- Member Since 21st Jul, 2014
- offline last seen Aug 13th, 2014
comrade_brony
Long time fan, first time poster
comrade_brony
Joined 21st Jul, 2014 ·
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I think you need an editor, and you need to really work on that description.
It's too ambiguous, and since it's a sidestory to another fanfiction, you really need to make it clear on what you're doing. You say a Stable "based on the Elements of Harmony". What doe that mean? It looks like the Elements? Are ponies divided into six groups based on the virtue they represent?
If you're going to talk about it in the description, you need to DESCRIBE IT. Otherwise, take that detail out and save it for the story itself.
HOLY CRAP! THERE'S A MINIATURE RAINBOW DASH RUNNING THROUGHOUT YOUR BODY?
HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE?
Apparently glasses are cool enough, that when you put them on, you can say you "equipped" them.
I have to second Winter Storm, not only is the description ambiguous, put it takes away some of the tension too. Your description should give us information about the story, yes, but not about any twists or secrets. If you do such a thing, be at least a bit more vague, like "One morning, her whole life is turned upside down/everything she knew came crushing onto her." don't already tell us the ponies in the stable are going to die, left alone who's responsible for that.
Long story short: Don't tell us that much in the description and if you do, don't be too obvious.
Also those two parts
are exactly the same, yet you feature it twice in your description. Don't do that.
And edit(or), meaning getting a few spaces in between your paragraphs, is also good. Like this:
You did it that way later on:
That's good.
And now for the actual story:
- I really didn't like your Nelson Mandela quote, because... why? First Nelson Mandela doesn't exist in the pony world and second: why? At least it's not Nietzsche, too many people think something becomes a piece of literature as soon as they put Nietzsche in front of it. That doesn't mean I think bad of Nietzsche, Mandela or you, the quote's just really out of place.
- I find the RPG elements a bit distracting: such as the 7% Food and 25% hydration. Not to mention the stats at the end. This is a story, no, I repeat, no RPG. You don't gain anything from making it look like one, except for... no, you don't get anything.
- When you get text messages, the terminal text or something that is read in the story, make the stuff italic. Just looks much better and separates the book/audio message/whatever from your narration.
- Don't use special characters like "#" or "200" in your narration. Instead of "generator #2" do "the second generator" and instead of "200" do "two hundred".
- what really might throw off many FoE-fans is that Twilight is willingly involved in a stable. The Ministry Mares of the original didn't knew anything about the special stables, let alone worked with Stable-Tec, furthermore ST set up a trap for the Ministry Mares (didn't work, but worth a shot). And your version of Twilight and her experiment is evil without reason. There's nothing to gain from killing everypony when there're supplies for 150 years in the stable. They would move out once they would run out of food, everypony would be happy (relatively).
- the perk and stats again:
You've already got your own horizontal line /)(\, you could do more with that, but it's enough. Use it to separate your footnote from the rest of the text and then highlight special parts of your perk:
Make the perk's name bold and the description maybe italic (this second part is optional; do it only when you give some kind of humorous description of the perk)
All in all, like this:
The striked through parts should be dropped, they serve no real purpose and just ruin the feeling of the story. The perk-thing done by Kkat was RPG-like enough, don't overdo it.
4729142
Wow, this is the kind of feedback I was hoping for! Thank you for the honest feedback!
I had already altered the description, but I think it turned out worse, and I left some of the copy in there on accident, that I will straighten out right away.
I had not realized there was a problem with the formatting, and will get right on that. I think part of the problem there was switching between open office, google docs, and fimfiction. Also, I am sure there is user error. I will definitely make those changes soon.
I hesitated on including the Nelson Mandela quote, but it had inspired me, so I included it. However, based upon your opinion, I am convinced my original inclination was the correct one.
Also, I will take your suggestion to tone down the RPG elements and italicize others (great point there). They won't disappear entirely, I am far too much of an Fallout fan to go without. (I have been following fallout since 1998). Also, the food and hydration bit was a one off detail that probably won't reappear in any great detail.
I should have picked up on the special characters thing in editing, argh! Good catch.
Regarding Twilight Sparkle and involvement in the Stables: I knew this would throw some people off, which is why I am trying to get chapter two out ASAP. I originally planned to release one and two at the same time, but got antsy.
You are correct, how could Twilight Sparkle have control of a stable? How could she do something so horrible? Did she have direct control over the operation? Did she know what was going to happen? Why would she do such a thing? How can she be so terrible? To that I must say: Spoilers. You are asking the right questions and looking the premise of the book straight in the face.
4728138 I can't believe I missed that. I play far too many RPG's for that. Also, Dash is awesome
4730391
It's not an error, just the way of copying stuff. I went to write my story via editor on FIMfiction. Or do paragraphs in Office and copy them into the editor. But it shouldn't big deal to correct the spacing afterwards.
I know that problem using Office too.
I would suggest a description like this:
That's vague enough to be a description. Nothings spoiled and it shows the setting. But make sure you actually remove the struck through sentences (On author copied my suggestion with all correction/suggestions in parentheses, it was weird.)
Small Frame: +1 Agility, but you suffer 25% extra damage to limbs.
In other words, phuhck logic; you'll move faster if you're weaker.
4730772 haha, it's a real perk from the game. I follow fallout logic, which isn't much.
4730440
FYI, I took your suggestions to heart and ran with them. Thanks for the awesome input!
I suggest you take out either the xover or the AU tag.
4737447
Oh, why? I was trying to be accurate. Are these tags not used for FOE side stories?
4737472
The "Fallout Equestria" in your title already says: "alternate universe" and "crossover". If you keep those tags, it might suggest an alternate universe of FoE, and to be fair, those often turn out pretty bad, because they taint the FoE elements with facts given by oneself. And then it simply isn't FoE anymore.
So some people might be confused by your tags, see/saw that Twilight Sparkle is involved with a stable and then think it is another AU-FoE with an author trying to trick the readers with the tilte to gain views for their own kind of story.
Or something like that, personally they don't bother me.
I'm not saying you are such a person and I don't point my finger at anyone.
4740192