• Member Since 17th Jul, 2014
  • offline last seen Sep 14th, 2014


A friendly guy who draws as well but wants to give story making a go...........................................................................................


SolarFlash is a timid pony mostly scared of other pony's. He left the big city to get away from prying eyes because of his history with his split personality.Though things get worse when a rainbow maned pony doesn't leave him alone.

And after putting his friend to near death.

Will he keep the other half from getting loose or will he hurt the pony's around him?

Don't bother reading in need of serious fixing.

Chapters (3)
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Comments ( 37 )


1. First off, I bear no malice towards you, so keep that in mind when reading this comment.

2. That being said, from your title, to your story summary, to your chapter titles, they are full of Technical Writing errors (spelling, grammar, format, case-lettering, etc.). Just the opening views of this will wave off potential readers from actually reading your chapters.

Always remember: You can have the greatest story idea in the world, but if your Technical Writing is poor, your story is dead before it is finished being read.

3. When writing a fan-fiction, or any literary writing really, it is highly advisable to have an Editior &/or Proofreader(s) backing you up.

For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group

As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.

4. In terms of Storytelling, it is generally unsafe waters (metaphorically speaking) when using a self-insert OC, potential readers naturally wave off when seeing such things. Also, if your OC is "SolarFlash" from your profile name, you may as well separate the words into a "proper" pony name (Solar Flash).

Problem 1: Self-Insert
Your first story shouldn't be one of them. If you write another story, maybe try doing a one-shot for a canon character. Maybe do a comedic slice of life story where Twilight tries to buy a book, but shenanigans ensue.

Problem 2: Alicorn OC
Many people don't like them and it's understandable, as they are often seen as Mary Sue/Gary Stu author avatar-type characters. There are exceptions where the alicorn OC is written well.

Problem 3: Spelling, punctuation, structuring and grammar
You tend to forget to capitalize letters when they're the first word of a sentence.
You forget to add periods at the end of a sentence and commas when breaking up a sentence.
Don't use spaces to align text, that's what the alignment functions are for if you're using Google Drive/Docs.
Don't use dashes/underscores to make a horizontal rule, that's what the hr tag is for.
Add extra line breaks between characters.
When writing a new paragraph, indent it using the "tab" button, as exampled with this sentence.
Be consistent with tenses, most stories are written with a past tense.
Learn to recognize plurals, possessives and conjunctions, I.E: there, they're (conjunction of they and are) and their (possessive); pony's (depending on context, possessive or conjunction) and ponies (plural)
Emphasize emotions using bold and italicized words. It's also good to use italics when a character is thinking.

Problem 4: Pacing
You're trying to cram a lot into less than a thousand words. Don't. Draw it out longer, it's okay to write chapters that are over a thousand words long and is recommended. I suggest outlining everything before you start writing: the overall story; individual chapters; characters; so on.

I hope my suggestions help.

Ok first


I cannot begin to tell you how many writing errors I saw in a measly three hundred words. First of all you don't capitalize pegasus. I think I may just PM you the edited version so I don't take half an hour typing the errors and plot mistakes in this first chapter.

So I'll mostly be typing the mistakes you made just in this chapter,

First is that one of them is an ALICORN. Don't ever do that, it's not right and I cannot begin on how many people will dislike it just because of that. Two is you don't put DeathWish it's Deathwish or Death Wish. Third, have you ever heard of spell check? It's this magical thing that let's you know if you're doing it wrong, obviously you turned it off or completly ignored it thinking "I don't need it that's for amateur writers." Fourth, three hundred words! No...just..NO. I see this to much in new books where they make a few hundred words per chapter. have about twenty of them and it turns out to be a few thousand words total.

I'm not sure if you're going to cancel this,rewrite it or think of a new story, but I'll be glad to look over anything you might have.

Till the next one


Actually if you're using pegasus to reference the species (common noun), there's no need to capitalize it, only when used as a proper noun should it be capitalized. Unless there are exceptions I'm not aware of.

1.Love the picture.
2.Alicorn thing I will correct.
3.The names gonna correct as well.
4.The capitalisation thing comes from spell check it corrects me when I'm not looking.
5.The 300 hundreds is so you know what they look like.

And spell check I use frequently because of my dyslexia
Much appreciated for your wise words of advice

Welcome, self-insert writer #374,950. Please be prepared for incoming hate.

I read the first sentence. Then, I died of cancer.

Well then Sir I hope it hurt

I couldn't be happier

>Author's name is SolarFlash.
>MC's name is SolarFlash


This so edgy that you can slice Diamonds with it.:raritydespair:

4714541 <<<This is why I love this guy.

Yes criticism from someone who would most likely shout at me.
This is going to be funny


Criticism from more experienced authors is still criticism and criticism helps.

I spent the time reading it laughing
edgy this edgy that constant edgy like I didn't realise

So I take it that you're one of those "writers" who thinks their shit doesn't stink, even when the majority tells you it does. :ajbemused:

I know its shit sorta expected it.
As for the way I react thats how I deal with people giving me hate its better than giving in and getting all depressed

That's better than a couple of writers I keep an eye on.

Well, at least that's a good attitude to have.

Thanks! Couldn't reply immediately since I was visiting some peeps. Anyways, I hope you learned from this story and all the comments. My advice would be to undergo a major rewrite it or try something new. I would gladly help you if you wanted me to.:pinkiehappy:

Till the next one


There will be major rewrite or a new story in time.
Right now I enjoying the hate

Great...I think. Anyways if you want an editor or me to just look over or help just tell me.

I'd be willing to help out too. The more eyes, the better.

A tour of the rainbow factory is in order. :rainbowlaugh:

I'm glad you got a laugh out of it. I try to keep them more on the funny side for entertainment purposes otherwise people tend to skip over the review. It's good to see you're looking at doing some rewrites to fix the story rather than just abandoning it. Best of luck in the future.:twilightsmile:

Didn't expect encouragement let alone help.
This is brand new to me.

I always wanted to go to the rainbow factoy would you mind accompanying me.

Whenever you think you're ready, PM me.

Well remember, you've got me and sbloom here to help as editors if you want. At least if you want to for me, I'm not sure about sbloom.

Till the next one


The more the merrier, don't you think? Besides, I don't have much to do.

Alright, I figured I'd post a bit of advice for your first story.

-Don't write an OC, especially a self insert.
-Read a lot of good stories and note how they are structured.
-Come up with a decent plot.
-If you can't spell well, get a proofreader of course.
-Make the character interactions meaningful to the plot and character development. Don't just throw in characters for the hell of it.
-Make sure your story is good when you post it.

I refuse to tour potential places of employment. I would, however, be more then willing to provide a map and directions. :pinkiehappy:

sorta gathered the self insert and the alicorn was a bad idea

That would be very helpful would like to know where I'm going

It is the place for you, guaranteed. It's a scream. :rainbowlaugh:

You don't have to sugar coat it. I'm all ready sold

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