The Beginings of SolarFlash

by SolarFlash

The other side

There something's in life pony's regret for SolarFlash this is everything.

Dear Sister where are you?
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

SolarFlash's POV
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
SolarFlash has appeared in a dark and most deepest part of his mind there's nothing around the only sound being a deep laughter coming from nowhere.

"Get away, Get out" He shouted "Get out of my head"

"Is that anyway to talk to yourself" says a calm deep voice "You should be welcoming me"

"For what ruining my life"

"I believe, I've made your life.....more fun"

"Killing other's is not fun "

"I'm not sure your actions show that"
an image started to appear in the air "T..That.....That wasn't me" a tear had rolled down Solar face as he looked at the image.
The words" In flames they burn" had started to echo before a deep laughter accompanied them.
"How do you feel" the voice said sarcastically.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Everypony else's POV
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
The friends were panicking trying to come up with a idea that could save them.

"Metal Knock him out quickly" DeathWish said rushing to hold down Solar

"Hurry up Metal" Infinite says holding back the crowd of pony's

"But" Heavy Metal being hesitant

"Just do it" they shouted

"I'm sorry Solar" but just before hitting him a rainbow manned Pegasus had knocked him out.

"You don't just hit him what sort of friends are you" she complained.
"friends that are trying to save your flank" Infinite shouted
At that moment DeathWish was flung against the wall knocking him out.
Infinite being the only one left that could help was then punched square in the face by a red hooved causing him to fall on the floor being trampled by everyone rushing past.

The rainbow Pegasus started to walk towards him.Stopping when she heard him say "You should be welcoming me"
confused. She got closer to him reaching her hoof out to see if he was all right. Just then he had combusted the fire covering his body.

From inside he was talking. She only managed to hear some words of what he had said "I believe" and " more fun"
after those words he had come out the fire a completely different colour. now being orange skinned, his mane more spiked and coloured like fire, His neck had a ring of fire around it, His wings completely covered with fire, His hooves on fire as well.

Twilight immediately moved the Pegasus away from him as he swung his hoof missing her by a centimetre.
"What was that for" the Pegasus shouted
he responded by trying to hit her again.
"I will hurt you if you if you keep doing that"
he responded again by trying to hit her.
"You asked for it" She hit him across his face he didn't flinch at all
"I'm not sure your actions show that"
He then swung again but stopping right before her face.
"T...That.....That wasn't me" a timid voice said, a tear rolling down his face.
He then fell on the floor passed out muttering "in flames they burn" over and over.

____________________________________________________________________________________________________________

3 Days later
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________
"He's waking up" is all he heard.
"Give him space Dash" a kind voice said.
"How do you feel" Another voice said sarcastically this was immediately followed by what sounded like a slapping noise.
"Infinite don't make jokes straight away" a heavy voice said "give him time at least"
"pinkie why'd you slap me" Infinite said slightly annoyed
SolarFlash had finally opened his eyes to see what was happening. Standing in the room were 8 pony's talking to each other.
Infinite talking to Pinkie, Heavy Metal talking to Twilight, three pony's in the corner talking, one being a unicorn with white skin and indigo mane and tail the other being a earth pony with orange skin and blonde mane and tail and the last being a Pegasus with yellow skin and a long pink mane and tail.
"Because Dashie told me to silly" bouncing as she said them.
looking to his right he saw the rainbow Pegasus looking at him not knowing who she was since his vision was a bit blurry.
"CalmBreeze" he whispered
Infinite and Heavy Metal reacted this and both said "Sorry, it's not her Solar" with remorse in their voice's
Right then his vision cleared to reveal who it was. He at that moment panicked and tried his hardest to hide.
Not being able to hide he eventually decided to hide behind his hooves to get away from it.
"Who's CalmBreeze" the pony's asked looking at Infinite and Heavy Metal.
Heavy Metal sighed "It's his sister"
"Solar acc" Infinite stop because of the hoof in his mouth.
"Infinite, Solar will tell them when he's ready" Heavy Metal said annoyed by his friend.
"but why Metal" Infinite asked
"Because it's up to Solar whether he tells them or not" Heavy Metal Implied
Solar getting out from his position asked "Where's DeathWish"

The room fall silent.
"He's in the next room" the Pegasus beside him whispered
"Why" he asked generally concerned
"He took a nasty hit" twilight said sadly
"I did it again didn't I" he said as started to understand the situation till
"Um..Sugarcube, there's no easy way to say this. But the doctor's reckon he might not wake up" the orange earth pony said lowering the Stetson on her head.
As the information sunk in Solar started to shift of the bed he was on, headed to the window next to the rainbow Pegasus opened it and disappeared before anyone could say anything.
"Well he's gone" Infinite said slightly depressed then he got slapped.
"What was that for" more annoyed then he was before. Pinkie replied with "because its fun" she started trying different ways to hit him
"um... where's rainbow" A shy voice said.

They all looked at the window
"she better not question him" said Heavy Metal

I still see there face's

there

face's

of

pain.....

Comments

[pendrake72]

@SolarFlash...

1. First off, I bear no malice towards you, so keep that in mind when reading this comment.

2. That being said, from your title, to your story summary, to your chapter titles, they are full of Technical Writing errors (spelling, grammar, format, case-lettering, etc.). Just the opening views of this will wave off potential readers from actually reading your chapters.

Always remember: You can have the greatest story idea in the world, but if your Technical Writing is poor, your story is dead before it is finished being read.
/

3. When writing a fan-fiction, or any literary writing really, it is highly advisable to have an Editior &/or Proofreader(s) backing you up.

For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group

As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
/

4. In terms of Storytelling, it is generally unsafe waters (metaphorically speaking) when using a self-insert OC, potential readers naturally wave off when seeing such things. Also, if your OC is "SolarFlash" from your profile name, you may as well separate the words into a "proper" pony name (Solar Flash).

[sbloom85]

Problem 1: Self-Insert
Your first story shouldn't be one of them. If you write another story, maybe try doing a one-shot for a canon character. Maybe do a comedic slice of life story where Twilight tries to buy a book, but shenanigans ensue.

Problem 2: Alicorn OC
Many people don't like them and it's understandable, as they are often seen as Mary Sue/Gary Stu author avatar-type characters. There are exceptions where the alicorn OC is written well.

Problem 3: Spelling, punctuation, structuring and grammar
You tend to forget to capitalize letters when they're the first word of a sentence.
You forget to add periods at the end of a sentence and commas when breaking up a sentence.
Don't use spaces to align text, that's what the alignment functions are for if you're using Google Drive/Docs.
Don't use dashes/underscores to make a horizontal rule, that's what the hr tag is for.
Add extra line breaks between characters.
When writing a new paragraph, indent it using the "tab" button, as exampled with this sentence.
Be consistent with tenses, most stories are written with a past tense.
Learn to recognize plurals, possessives and conjunctions, I.E: there, they're (conjunction of they and are) and their (possessive); pony's (depending on context, possessive or conjunction) and ponies (plural)
Emphasize emotions using bold and italicized words. It's also good to use italics when a character is thinking.

Problem 4: Pacing
You're trying to cram a lot into less than a thousand words. Don't. Draw it out longer, it's okay to write chapters that are over a thousand words long and is recommended. I suggest outlining everything before you start writing: the overall story; individual chapters; characters; so on.

I hope my suggestions help.

[sbloom85]

4714479
Actually if you're using pegasus to reference the species (common noun), there's no need to capitalize it, only when used as a proper noun should it be capitalized. Unless there are exceptions I'm not aware of.

[fastnbulbous]

enter:script
Welcome, self-insert writer #374,950. Please be prepared for incoming hate.
/script

[JDLENL]

I read the first sentence. Then, I died of cancer.

[SolarFlash]

4715030
Well then Sir I hope it hurt

[SolarFlash]

4714994
I couldn't be happier

[KaBar42]

>Author's name is SolarFlash.
>MC's name is SolarFlash

img.pandawhale.com/76748-Gladiator-thumbs-down-gif-b5MO.gif

[KaBar42]

Also, someone reviewed this story.

[Manes]

4714541 <<<This is why I love this guy.

[SolarFlash]

4715199
Yes criticism from someone who would most likely shout at me.
This is going to be funny

[KaBar42]

4715249

Criticism from more experienced authors is still criticism and criticism helps.

[SolarFlash]

4715255
I spent the time reading it laughing
edgy this edgy that constant edgy like I didn't realise

[sbloom85]

4715335
So I take it that you're one of those "writers" who thinks their shit doesn't stink, even when the majority tells you it does.

[SolarFlash]

4715399
I know its shit sorta expected it.
As for the way I react thats how I deal with people giving me hate its better than giving in and getting all depressed

[sbloom85]

4715456
That's better than a couple of writers I keep an eye on.

[Lord Destrustor]

4715456
Well, at least that's a good attitude to have.

[ShadowblazeCR]

4714937
Thanks! Couldn't reply immediately since I was visiting some peeps. Anyways, I hope you learned from this story and all the comments. My advice would be to undergo a major rewrite it or try something new. I would gladly help you if you wanted me to.

Till the next one

-R

[SolarFlash]

4715519
There will be major rewrite or a new story in time.
Right now I enjoying the hate

[ShadowblazeCR]

4715572
Great...I think. Anyways if you want an editor or me to just look over or help just tell me.

[sbloom85]

4715572
I'd be willing to help out too. The more eyes, the better.

[Cathius]

A tour of the rainbow factory is in order.

[SolarFlash]

4715666
4715637
Didn't expect encouragement let alone help.
This is brand new to me.

[SolarFlash]

4715814
I always wanted to go to the rainbow factoy would you mind accompanying me.

[sbloom85]

4715955
Whenever you think you're ready, PM me.

[ShadowblazeCR]

4715955
Well remember, you've got me and sbloom here to help as editors if you want. At least if you want to for me, I'm not sure about sbloom.

Till the next one

-R

[sbloom85]

4715978
The more the merrier, don't you think? Besides, I don't have much to do.

[fastnbulbous]

Alright, I figured I'd post a bit of advice for your first story.

-Don't write an OC, especially a self insert.
-Read a lot of good stories and note how they are structured.
-Come up with a decent plot.
-If you can't spell well, get a proofreader of course.
-Make the character interactions meaningful to the plot and character development. Don't just throw in characters for the hell of it.
-Make sure your story is good when you post it.

[Cathius]

I refuse to tour potential places of employment. I would, however, be more then willing to provide a map and directions.

[SolarFlash]

4716390
sorta gathered the self insert and the alicorn was a bad idea

[SolarFlash]

4716652
That would be very helpful would like to know where I'm going

[Cathius]

It is the place for you, guaranteed. It's a scream.

[SolarFlash]

4728531
You don't have to sugar coat it. I'm all ready sold