One day a changeling named Dusk was given a duty from his queen. He was given the task to spy on twilight to make sure she would not damage the hive of changelings.
Unable to deny his queen he went on his task. What Dusk didn't relize is what relationship he would build with the princess of magic.
Page generated in 0.079 seconds
Total duration
1,077 users online
1,445,244 hits today, 1,960,719 yesterday
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
No spacing between paragraphs, missing capital letter in the description and terrible pacing. Congratulations! You win a dislike!
Thank you for the comment. I already fixed the indented paragraphs. I'm sorry if you were disappointed.
Well...i actually liked it and would like to see where you're going with this story. Yeah, there are a few grammar errors but that happens to everyone at some point. I would like to see more of your work so keep it up!
Well, to be honest...
The pacing is off, the grammar is sub-par, everything feels rushed, there's nothing actually interesting going on and your protagonist I would say is a Mary Sue.
I'm writing this in the middle of the night on a tablet, so I'll most likely come off as a massive douche, but bear with me.
Your protagonist, Dusk/Comet/Dust (I think the last one may have been a case of Mispeling Vyrus, but you never know), is poorly designed. There's just no way around this fact.
Dusk is a classic Mary Sue, with a lean towards the Relationship Sue. This means that not only is everything easy for him, and there's no real challenge, he's also a seemingly perfect partner for a canon character (in this case Twilight Sparkle). Dusk suffers the worst from having a very flat, dull, boring and uninspired personality, which turns him into an uninteresting character. Judging from the cover art, he also looks WAY too special to be a changeling drone, as all of those tend to be identical.
If I were you, I'd begin by throwing out the entire love thing between Dusk and Twilight, it merely feels like pointless author wish-fullfillment. Then sit down with Dusk and begin working on his character. Give him traits, strengths, weaknesses, a backstory etc... Just make him interesting, I doubt many want to read about "your kewl OC and his love for Twilight Sparkle".
This is Dementia Ravenmane signing off, hope you have a nice day and understand my criticism.
ok ... here are few things that bothered me.
1. Why would Chrysalis bother to talk with your OC personally ... chain of command ? She is freaking queen.
2. Changelings don't have mane. They are pretty much bold.
3. You are inconsistent with your OC description. First you tell me that he is some kind of a failure who scrubs the Hive then you want me to buy that Queen Chrysalis personally sends him on some high lvl mission. Like: WTF? Why!
4. Did this drone question authority of his Queen? He just casually and openly vocalized his opinion on his superior! Why wasn't he beheaded on the spot?
5. Why is Queen Chrysalis explaining her self to some low life drone!?
6. You need to spend much more time re reading and editing your story. Sorry dude.
7. "Celestia's law" ... seriously. Not to mention that he again openly undermined authority of his superior...
8. "...no that's way to creepy" I honestly laughed. He is tasked to SPY on someone and he bothers not do do it in creepy way. Not being a creepy bug is higher on priority list then mission success. No wonder he sucks in his job.
9. Why is he so knowledgeable about Ponyville? And how is it possible to first pass Rarity boutique and then go next to Fluttershy house? That would indicate that he was heading out of the Ponyville rather then in to the village.
10. Zero for originality. Sorry m8.
11. WHY does he bothers to lie about his name? Why would it make a difference? Who would bother if this drone would be named this or that its not like changelings are part of Equestrian society!
12. "how to teleports" ... some of your mistakes are really funny. Sorry.
13. Your OC is so inconsistent. He has some kind of inferiority complex? He thinks he is some "no-buggy" but in reality he is changeling version of James Bond ?
14. Your pacing is really, really bad. Shit happens, some dialog / some internal monologue, shit happens, dialog / monologue, shit happens again. No description, no explanation. Too much information through exposition! Give some context. Slow down and give reader time to invest some emotions into your character and his perils.
There is more but i was unable to read all because of ... reasons. One of them was that it begun to be painful to read.
Writing is craft as much as it is art. You need to skill up your Craft before you will be able to show us your art. Sorry.
Thank you for the flaws. I will try to fix them in the next chapter. I'm not the best story writer. It's at least a lot less flawed than my other story sadly. I do thank you all for your support. Thank you guys.
Also with the dusk and dust was my iPad going nuts. I was first writing this at three in the morning yesterday so I just didn't catch it. And also you guys aren't douches in any way, I asked to look for my flaws and you have and I'm grateful. I want to be a better writer and I can't do that until I know what I'm doing wrong. You guys aren't yelling or swearing at me you guys are telling me the facts what is wrong with my story. So again thanks for your cooperation and sorry if you felt that my story wanted your time I'll try harder on my next chapter.
Oh also...I'm sorry I sound like I'm hogging the comment section. With chrysalis telling this failure of a changeling to do a high level mission was on purpose. It will all be explained next chapter and I know the mane thing is wrong but I wanted to give the changeling some differentiation than the others. My protagonist is boring now but I think he would be more boring if he was pictured as a normal changeling. Plus he's mainly in his pony disguise for the story. As for the relationship I will drop it. Also as for the Mary Sue personality I was wrong I should've given him more character. Yes I know writing is an art and I'm not the best fanfic writer. Usually when you make art though you think your art is perfect but you need a mentor for that art to tell you your faults of the art. That's where I have you guys come in. Also I know that the changeling keeps changing his mind and I'm currently fixing that.