P**7: Porkchop’s Probably Pretty Pointless Purple Pony Princess Problem

by Shark8

Chapter 4

Chapter 4

“Ok, ma’am, is there anything else you can tell us?” The police-pony asked, as he handed the poor mare another cup of hot coffee.

“Y-yes… h-he was n-naked!” Lyra cried, almost hysterical.

“And how do you know it was a he?” the other police-pony asked, using his unicorn magic to draw on his notepad.

“He was naked.” Lyra responded dryly.

“Ah, I see.” the police artist said, making a few alterations — a moment later flipping the pad for Lyra to examine. “How’s this?”

Lyra examined the picture a few moments before replying: “The eyes were smaller, more pig-like… and, well, he was bigger.”

“Bigger?” the artist echoed, unsure what she meant.

Blushing furiously, Lyra nodded… motioning downward on the picture the police artist had produced.

“Ah, I see.” He nodded.

After a few more alterations the picture was ready and, as the police artist closed the notebook Lyra interrupted.

“Um, could I have a copy?” She asked.

“Sure.” The artist nodded and, with a flash of his horn, the artist produced a copy for the green mare.

Lyra nodded, mumbled some thanks, folded the picture and put it in a pocket of her raincoat and left the police station.

A few moments passed before the other officer burst into laughter.

“Look, look!” He cried, taking off his hat, “I’m naked!”

The police artist gasped in mock shock and then looked down, examining his own body before gasping even louder.

“I’m naked, too!” He shrieked with as much hysteria as he could manage.

The two police ponies collapsed into a pile of laughter.

● ● ● ● ●

Ryoga woke early, before dawn, as he usually did when he was outdoors. If it was his campsite he would have started breakfast, tearing down the tent and packing up while it was cooking, so he could leave with the dawn... well, if he was going to move on from the campsite, obviously.

As it was, this equipment wasn’t his and he still needed to find his travel-pack… he thought it was somewhere near that Fluttershy’s house, and that was… South? West? North-East?

‘I haven’t a clue.’ Ryoga admitted to himself in defeat, before his stomach reminded him that he was hungry. ‘But, as long as I’m here…’

Ryoga picked up the pot that had been discarded when he’d turned into a pig last night. It was full of rainwater and so he just dumped a little, placed it on the fire-pit, and broke out some kindling.

After the water had heated up he doused himself and returned to his human form.

He happily made his way over to his fishing weir, and looked down in hopes of seeing a fish or three in the light of the breaking dawn; there were four fish… with a grin he pulled out one of the three spears he’d made last night and tossed it in.

And he was lucky, spearing one right off the bat. After about ten minutes he’d speared all four… not bad at all.

He made his way back and started the water boiling again as he started on cleaning and gutting the fish… it would have been hard to do if he hadn’t had a knife, but with the Baksai Tenketsu all he needed was a rock to make a knife… so he never was really without one unless he was separated from his pack and forced into his pig form.

Setting the water aside, he spit the fish and set them to cook.

Ryoga looked around and grinned: he was almost completely in his element here… aside from his lack of clothes or travel-pack.

A moment later and he was reminded that he hadn’t used the bathroom in a while, so he headed toward the treeline. (The obvious answer to your question is ‘yes’ — humans do shit in the woods in Equestria.)

After digging a ‘small’ hole to do his business in using his Bakusai Tenketsu he made his way back to the campsite… or tried to. Looking around frantically he couldn’t see the clearing with the tent in it or anything familiar.

It was off to the left, he was sure — he ran that way, knocking the occasional tree out of his way before he burst from the forest only to trip over his travel-pack, umbrella, and a thoroughly muddy set of clothes.

He quickly opened the pack and retrieved one of his spare outfits and put it on — ah, the clothes felt so good — then he stuffed the dirty old clothes into his ‘dirty clothes’ pouch, shouldered his pack, and took off, intent on making his way back to his own home.

● ● ● ● ●

Fluttershy exited her cottage, intent on feeding her furry friends, and even her non-furry friends. As she hauled the bag of feed out the door, she had a bit of a surprise: a strange creature was in the space between the forest’s edge and her land. It stood on its hind legs, like a bear might… only more naturally, more like Spike’s two-legged posture.

“Oh, hello there little guy.” Fluttershy spoke up, she always had been more comfortable around different animals than she had been around other ponies. Ironically she had to look up to see into the ‘little guy’s’ eyes, but then again she had a special spot in her heart for big intimidating-looking creatures like manticores and bears and so on.

“I wonder what you are?” She said aloud to herself, “I’ve never seen your sort of creature before…”

“I’m a human.” The creature replied, “I… well, my name’s Ryoga.”

Fluttershy stood there in shock, she hadn’t been expecting a reply but had gotten one anyway. For a few moments she tried to decide whether she should be frightened of the human or not… it certainly wasn’t helping that he was staring at her like that, or that he was moving toward her, or that he was reaching toward her… or that he was lifting the feed-sacks for her?

“Let me help with this.” Ryoga said, “I used to work on a couple of farms and ranches…”

True to his word Ryoga fed the animals, and very quickly and efficiently, too. Probably due to the monkey-like hands he deftly used — they were amazingly dextrous, and the way Ryoga used them almost made her envious because the whole feeding process was done in a quarter of the time it normally took.

“Why, thank you Ryoga.” Fluttershy said happily, smiling at the sudden amount of free time she had. “Um, is there anything I can do for you?”

“Well, I am a little lost… so if you have a map you’re not using…” Ryoga was cut off by his stomach growling, “and maybe a bite to eat.”

“Oh, are you saying you haven’t had breakfast yet?” Fluttershy was a bit ashamed of herself, she was supposed to be the Element of Kindness and she’d totally forgotten to ask about her guest.

“No… I made some breakfast, but then I got lost.” Ryoga admitted in an embarrassed tone.

— — — — —

After breakfast, Fluttershy produced a map for her guest and walked along with him for a while along his journey — the places that he told here about sounded like they were far, far away and it seemed like Ryoga could use a little company.

“Thank you so much.” Ryoga said, looking up from the map with a huge smile.

It was probably the eighth or ninth time the human had expressed his gratitude. Something about it made Fluttershy think that kindness was a fairly rare element in his life, which made her feel sad — he seemed like a kind, gentle, and generally decent guy.

“Well, I have to be going.” Fluttershy said, having noticed the position of the sun, it wasn’t all that late but she did have plans with Rarity for today. “I hope you have a good trip, Ryoga.”

The human grinned in response, “It’s better than most so far! Thanks for all your help.”

● ● ● ● ●

When Spike awoke to the smell of cooking food he was happy for only an instant, looking around he couldn’t find Porkchop anywhere. A sense of dread came over him as he kept looking all around the tent, the campsite, the clearing itself.

He even woke the Cutie Mark Crusaders, albeit unintentionally, with his near-panicked search.

“Hey, Spike, what’s going on?” Scootaloo asked, crawling out of the tent.

“Yeah, what’s the problem?” Sweetie Belle echoed her concern.

“I-I can’t find Porkchop anywhere!” Spike sobbed, tears flowing down his cheeks even as the smell of burning fish filled the air.

Author's Note:

I'm working on another MLP-crossover comedy which I plan on completing before I post it up, so it might be a while before I update this story.
(Hopefully before the end of next week.)

Comments

[Twilight_Shimmer]

4700516 I mean looks at it, no real major carnivorous threats to worry about, nice people and a relatively stress free environment On another hoof why am I suddenly picturing Ryouga becoming a protector of Fluttershy.

No idea how my comment got here when i replied to a reply to my comment on chapter 4 but eanyways, chapter 5 was a blast though I do feel sorry for spike

[Shark8]

4700689
Because of this last chapter?
Because Ryoga has a pretty good sense of honor?
Because Ryoga's awesome?

[Twilight_Shimmer]

4700700 I see Ryouga protective of her for multiple reasons, Fluttershy's kindness will touch his heart, and her cuteness will put him under her spell figuratively speaking

[Stoneificaunt]

4700719 Till he starts fighting Ranma then it's back to the insanity and yelling of prepare to die

[Twilight_Shimmer]

4721344 This is assuming Ranma shows up in Equestria

[Shark8]

4726520
Honestly? ...because I completely forgot until chapter three or so.

[Shark8]

4763463
You're right; and I made a checklist for them all. /
-- I messed up the Checklist!

(I'll try'n remember to post a corrected version along with the next chapter. Thanks for the catch.)

[HB_DS2013]

4700689 It's plausible.

[Twilight_Shimmer]

5529402 Besides Flutters would just give Ranma and Ryoga the stare if they did try and fight, and it would make them both feel as if they had disappointed the most important person/pony ever. XD

[Shark8]

5696372
Thank you.
(I put Porkchop for the humor and, also, so I could get another P-word into the title.)

[Shark8]

5831297
Quite true.
I have a bit of a programming background and in several languages I've used the ** notation is used... of course ^ is also used in some of them, too. So I basically just picked one and ran with it. Below is a list from wikipedia which gives some languages that fall into either camp:

x ^ y: BASIC, J, MATLAB, R, Microsoft Excel, TeX, TI-BASIC, bc, Haskell, Lua, ASP
x ** y: Ada, Bash, COBOL, CoffeeScript, Fortran, FoxPro, Gnuplot, OCaml, F#, Perl, PHP, PL/I, Python, Rexx, Ruby, SAS, Seed7, Tcl, ABAP, Mercury, Haskell, Turing, VHDL

(Haskell appears twice because one is an integer exponentiation and the other floating-point).