Generations have past since the events now celebrated as Hearts Warming Eve, the land of ponies is at peace. The three tribes have settled their differences and had set about exploring and cultivating the land together.
Twilight Sparkle is one of the best recruits in the land, born from a family with a history of military success. She is capable of fighting and defending herself from any attack. Ready to join her mother and brother on the front lines. If only she hadn't be selected to be the princesses royal body guard.
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Base on the many pictures done by Earthsong9405.
Her Tumblr: http://earthsong9405.tumblr.com/
Her Deviantart: http://earthsong9405.deviantart.com/
Cover art belongs to her as well.
Chapters (3)
Well, apart from some niggling feeling that makes me think of another author here who's done the same thing you're doing already, this is a pretty good start.
At the very least, this promises to be longer than their stories. Let's see where this goes, shall we?
And I do hope you are successful in getting someone to go over this, and future chapters for you, it does need some cleaning.
4591901
Thanks for the review.
An from what I've seen most people are doing dabbles, one shots and short stories. No one has given any effort to a full story that I've come across. So I thought I would try my hand at it.
The good: You have a decent amount of buildup which is nice to see in this AU. There are a few mistakes but overall it is readable. Twilight's intent on not being chosen as a bodyguard in particular comes across nicely.
The gripes: Only a few hundred words in, I can already tell that I am not going to like Twilight very much. You've fallen prey to the trap of making the main character a Mary (or misery) Sue.
Some of the interactions feel forced or just very strange (The captain punishing Twilight in the manner he does is over the top and already makes me question his worth as a leader, while the apprentice in the blacksmith just comes across as flat and uninteresting)
The punishment itself is another thing. A pony can, without magic, comfortably carry up to 300 pounds, which is roughly their own body weight. They can drag about twice that. Ponies would literally kill themselves trying to carry or even drag a stone that weighs 5000 pounds (not to mention is being about the size of a truck)
There are a few more things here and there, like how Twilight only entered the training grounds when she was 4 years old while her mother and father basically lived there their whole lives, and the fact that Twilight is being matched with a complete newbie to spar against.
In summary: Some potential, marred by weak execution and a Mary Sue main character. I'm sorry, can't say I really enjoyed it.
Oh hey it's been a while
So I take it that Twilight will be badass in this story?
4652800
I'm gonna try, don't want to make her completely OOC. She still needs to have the little bit of adorkable we know and love.
This story reminds me of one that went on hiatus called true colors, so I'll give it a read ^_^
Okay, here's a few things about what I'm noticing for your work. I'll list them in order of decreasing annoyance.
1. I'm pretty sure "NightLight" needs a space before the second capital letter, in every instance you put his name.
2. The various masks that are mentioned in the story should probably be only called 'masks' when a character is referring to it. i.e. "This is the mask that I wear for those who I do not trust." In narrative, it would be better to describe what a 'guard' or 'royal' mask would resemble.
3. When you have a transition line (i.e. your ~[Flashback]~) after already implying that there will be a flashback in the previous paragraph, you don't need to point out it's a flashback in that transition line.
Beyond that, I think this is a decent chapter and I hope to see a change in both Twilight and the military in general in the coming chapters.
it's been a very good read so far, and I do hope to see it continued.
Great story! I really enjoyed reading it so far!
Just needed to read the summary to know tjat Twilight no matter hows she's trained she won't be able to trained enough to defend herself against Rarity. :P
Will this be updated soon?????