What if the power of four alicorns was not enough? What if Twilight and Tirek disappeared, leaving behind an Equestria without magic?
It has been seven years since the incident with Tirek and though they were saved initially from his tyranny, Equestria has been left to survive without magic. Weather is unpredictable, the sun and moon rise at their own time and the ponies are without their special talents.
Though the world is crumbling away at her hooves, Luna believes she has found a way to save Equestria. A blood Mage.
Editor: Lunalicorn
Cover art is mine.
Chapters (5)
She usually towers over the other ponies. I know what you mean... perhaps you should change it to 'no taller than the other ponies, now that she had no alicorn magic."
preserve = persevere
Cloudsdale...
@Vale Decem...
1. Well it looks like my critique (along with other comments) was erased with your revision. But that you did do a revision leads me to believe that my critique did get through for its intent & purpose. Chapter 2 is definitely much improved, though there is plenty more to be cleaned up, corrected, and worked upon for the better.
2. This one part was niggling at me past its read-through...
~ a. "Mane Six" is a label that fan community gave the six main pony characters. Within the cartoon, the circle of friends are more often referred to Elements of Harmony (as a whole). An alternative fan-label, accepted officially as well, are the "Element Bearers." But for whatever other labels, "Mane Six" is not something that should be used within this fan-fiction, and definitely not referred to in conversation.
~ b. Pinkie Pie can fulfill the role that Historical Comedic Icon Bob Hope (among many other famed names of the entertainment business of that era) did for the USO. The loss of her earth pony strength and endurance may slow her down physically, but it is Pinkie's indomitable & irrepressible spirit that makes her stand above other ponies as the Element of Laughter.
~ c. Also, a hostile blockade does not "guard", it "cuts off" or "interdicts" help/supplies.
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3. It is definitely an improvement for Celestia to view the ailing Equestria and her spirit-breaking burdens of duty as the consequences for her over-reliance upon Twilight Sparkle, rather than your original version of blaming Twilight and cursing Friendship. Celestia should blame no one but herself for her current purgatorial predicament, which is more accurate, believable, and tragic.
While the Season #4 finale was quite the epic battle between Princess Twilight vs. Tirek, it also fell victim to what is meme-termed Michael Bay Syndrome, lots of action, but lots of plot-hole stupidity.
It irked me at the glaring idiocy points of the episode, especially for Celestia...
~ a. We three alicorn princesses, with our centuries of experience, will transfer all our power to Princess Twilight, who has been an alicorn for all of one year.
~ b. [Celestia]: Don't tell your friends about the magic transfer. You know, your six (including Spike) best friends whom have repeatedly saved Equestria? Don't trust them.
~ c. We will entrust and hide our alicorn magic in Princess Twilight in hopes that Tirek will never learn of her existence. Except for the halls of giant stained glass windows depicting the last four years of Princess Twilight's life, including where she lives. Even my daughters were /facepalm-ing at that.
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4. Word Count & Descriptive Narration... Much improved with the word count with the revision, keep improving in that regard. You will find that higher Word Counts are actually easy to reach once you start working towards better Descriptive Narration. Always remember: the reader audience cannot see inside your head, so it is your Author's responsibility to paint a vivid and detailed picture/scene for the reader. But by the time you finish painting a scene or character in-depth & in clear detail, you will find that your Word Count has reached 2000+ for an "average" word-count per chapter.
5. Editor &/or Proofreader(s)... While I assume you read my critique, I will post the links again just in case since you definitely still need an Editor &/or Proofreader to go over your works and my critique post was deleted with the revision.
For finding an Editor & Proofreader(s) here on FiMfiction site itself...
~ a. Looking for Editors
~ b. The Proofreader Group
As the general rule for literary writing, you should only have a single Editor, but you can have multiple Proofreaders.
Hope this (continues) to help.
@Charelzzz
Thank you for catching that, I'll fix it in a sec.
Also, after their magic was taken, the princesss appeared very weak/tired. I was just implying Celestia was still weakened and not able to stand at full height. I should probably clarify that though.
Thank you!
they know twilight is in hell and they know shes alive the easiest answer should be to just go get her
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Ummmm, if it was that simple to get her, Blood Stone would not be needed and for him to get to Tarturus, something special is needed. (Spoilers)
As shinigami said, Equestria currently has no way to Tarturus.
4613195
Vale is right. You can't just go to Tarturus- if that were so, Tirek would have left thousands of years before.
4613904
Well, it cannot be "that" difficult to get to-&-from Tartarus in the MLP-verse. Basic-unicorn Twilight Sparkle did so when she returned Cerebrus back to his post during "It's About Time" episode (S02, Ep20) {One of my overall favorite episodes.}, and she did that in less than a day's travel to-&-from. Likewise, Tirek escaped Tartarus at his lowest, without magic.
Heck, even the mythological Tartarus was not that difficult either. The lyre musician Orpheus walked down to Tartarus through the Hades-realm in his bid to restore his dead wife to life, albeit unsuccessfully for the return trip out.
As the saying goes, "Getting to Hell is easy. Staying in Hell, even easier."
Little rough around the edges, pendrake72 has a lot of good advice.
For my part...
Ouch. Kinda butchered this bit. If you're going to write Ye Olde Luna it'd be good to learn some of the rules. I won't claim to be an expert by any means, but I do know that you've got the thee/thou bit a little wrong. Thou is used for the subject form, the direct 'you'... "You must learn" whereas thee is the object, "I can take you." Also, there is no "thy's" but rather "thine" is what you want. Something closer to:
Note: If this is Royal We Luna, then make sure she ALWAYS uses "We" and never "I". The Royal We is meant to be used in circumstances where Luna is representing all of Equestria, hence We. Also, the strikeout is on words that I suggest removing, plus I removed contractions. Luna's speech is very rigid and proper when she's talking like this, and she doesn't take 'shortcuts' with her words.
4682747
Remember, Cerberus guards the gate- which is just another place in Equestria, not Tarturus itself.
Also, that was Greek Mythology. The people who believed a magical person named Zeus made it rain. Do you really think they were that smart?
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Thanks for the advice- I'll try to edit any of those mistakes out
This is stupid. It's pretty much proven Tirek was only in Canterlot, Ponyville, Appleloosa, and Cloudsdale. If the magic really wasn't given back, most of Equestria would still have it. It's a stupid concept to think all of Equestria was sucked.
Also, Vinyl never lost her magic. Make note of this fact.
4695041
While the rudeness is not appreciated, I'm going to ignore it.
1: Although Tirek was only shown going to the place you listed, the scene was a montage and does not mean that's the only places Tirek and discord went.
2: I have no idea what you're talking about with Vinyl
3: This is labeled as AU, so the story is not intended to be accurate.
4717158
First off, my apologies for the rudeness. Second, every stage of Tirek's "evolution" was shown, meaning we saw everypony he got. Third, perhaps you could have it mentioned that Vinyl was one of a hooffull of ponies that avoided Tirek, and is either looked up to or resented for this fact. And fourth, the reason I don't like this story is because I hate Tirek.
@Vale Decem...
1. Glad to see you are still working upon this fan-fiction. While I am not actively following your story via Favorites {No malice, just personal preference.}, I do stop by when I see it on the Latest Updates list.
2. Which is a good thing too. I have to point out that you are both overdoing and butchering the Ye Olde English for Princess Luna's speech patterns. At most, you should be using only one word/phrase of Ye Olde English (thou, thy, thine, etc.) in a sentence, or even every other sentence. Also, avoid contractions ("do not" vs. "don't) when speaking for royalty as well as use of Ye Olde English. If you watch scenes with not only Princess Luna, but also Princess Celestia, both alicorn sisters avoid using contractions.
The best guideline for writing Ye Olde English speech patterns comes from comic-book legend Stan Lee, when talking about writing the archaic speech patterns of Marvel's Thor.
Keep it simple. Keep it concise. And most of all, keep it clear to the readers.
Hope this continues to help.
4729138
I don't have Vale's opinion on this- but his Editor, I'll have to deny half of your help.
Speaking with one Old English word a sentence is... strange. Sort of like this:
"I gusta pastel" -Half English, half Spanish.
Although, again: I personally would deny this information but have to speak to Vale about it.
Thanks for the opinion,
Luna.
4729601
Except you are not using two different languages (spanish/english) here, you are using the same one (english/english), just different temporal dialects.
Again, it is about clarity in the speaking lines whilst showing Princess Luna's older speech pattern, not saturating it with nothing but Ye Olde English.
exerpted...
revised & refined...
See the difference? Less use, simpler and more clarified, and does not sound like Princess Luna is trying to shove Ye Olde English down the readers' throats with every word.
If you think I am wrong, go watch Luna Eclipsed episode again (or read the episode transcript), or other speaking scenes with Princess Luna. Besides the deliberate comedic points, how much does Princess Luna use the Ye Olde English?
Alternatively, you can read up on Marvel Comics' Thor and see how the Prince of Thunder speaks when talking to both the Midgard mortals as well as his fellow Asgardians.
4729731
I think you should just stop. Why are you wasting your time, editing Ye Old English, when no one is listening? Get your own story and edit that. I'm really, really not in the mood.
4844727
I had stopped here at this fan-fiction with earnest critique comments, freely offered advice, and canon-example guidance, and because I thought the story-premise was interesting and reached out a friendly hand to help pitch-in a few bits to help improve the fan-fiction itself.
In truth, I had completely forgotten about this fan-fiction after my last comment, and I certainly would not have taken any offense for not taking my critique &/or freely offered advice/guidance if simply ignored.
And that is all you had to do for this issue to be dropped without so much as a ripple: Nothing. No reply, no derision, no reaction. You could have gone on your merry editorial way and I would have very likely never given this another thought.
But no, instead you decided to make an attack at me because you say you are "not in the mood," which more says to me that you ARE "in a mood" from having made such a comment-attack.
So here is a last bit of earnest advice: If you want your pond to stay smooth, quiet, and clean...?
Then do not throw rocks.
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@Vale Decem...
I am sorry that your Editor feels such vitriol by my comments. I earnestly meant well by you with my comments & critiques; as I said, I thought you had a good story-premise. But I have no interest in causing &/or engaging in more conflict, so I will Let It Go at this point.
I wish you well with the rest of your fan-fiction, Vale Decem.
4853341
I'm really sorry about that last comment.
Even if I wanted too, I've NEVER been one to take advice, so that's one side to it... but my life's been a little rough lately. I'm one of those people who doesn't show emotion freely, and I need to buy a punching bag. Whenever I'm mad at someone, I usually play videogames and listen to music for three hours, but that time, I unleashed it at you. Sorry.
Then there's the other part. I've been really depressed lately... good friends are trying to help me get through that, but it still just adds on to that anger thing I have. I guess my traits don't add up together well, now, do they?
Again, I'm really, really sorry. You don't have to reply to this comment. Just hate me, or forget about me.... that'll be okay.