I write a lot of stoies at the same time so I can try to avoid writer's block I will try to update as soon as possible when writing my stories. You can make cover art for any of my stories.
One morning, while two girls watch the newest episodes of MLP, when they get sucked into the land of Equestria, where they try to figure out how to get home, while having the adventure of a lifetime and make some new friends.
(This is a collab with a very close friend of mine.)
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Every author has at least one weakness, and yours are inexperience and haste. You're obviously new here. It's clear that you were so eager to get your first story up that you didn't actually put much thought into it. The result is the most generic pony fanfic I have ever seen. A little tip: the "Human in Equestria" (HiE) genre is so overdone that only a skilled author can actually pull it off well.
You really should take the time to read other stories before trying to write your own. This gives you an idea of what you should do. You don't learn to drive well without ever seeing a car in motion, so you shouldn't expect to write well without reading first. You should also read this site's convenient writing guide (Click here), which explains most of the rules and nuances of writing that you'll need to know.
I apologize if I seem harsh. It's important to learn these things early and quickly, to "nip it in the bud", so to speak. On the bright side, your spelling and grammar are amazing. Few newbies have such a good grasp on them.
4558245
It's a bit vague for now but it will get better as the chapters go on. Your criticism is noted, respected, and is going to definitely going to be a big help for the story.
4558983
It's not that it's vague, your story lacks substance. It's also moving at warp speed but I'll chalk that up to inexperience and a desire to get it out there as soon as possible.
First of all your chapters are woefully short. I always suggest that they be at least 1200 words. Your first "chapter" is only 269 words and tells us absolutely nothing. There's nothing there to engage the readers or give us a reason to want to read any further.
The second chapter is longer but again there is a severe lack of anything resembling an actual plot. Froot loops and orange juice? Does any of that have any point? You could take it out and it wouldn't affect the storyline in any way.
My suggestion is to read other fanfics, well rated ones especially, to see what makes them so popular.
Good job!
4594273
Thank you!
Excellent! Just brilliant!
4596963
Thanks!