The next morning, BD and Angie had some Fruit Loops from the cereal cabinet along with some nice cold orange juice. They had just woken up about ten minutes ago and were waiting excitedly for the season 5 premiere of My Little Pony. Season 4 was one of the best seasons so they were really looking forward to the next one.
"The premier is at 10:30 so we only have to wait another five to ten minutes." Angie said while looking at the schedule of the Hub channel.
"Good, I'm happy that we didn't have to wait as long for season 5 as we did for season 4."
"Yeah, ditto."
A couple minutes later, the glorious sound of the intro could be heard all over the house as Angie and BD sang along. And then something weird happened, a pony that looked oddly like a dementor, chanted something strange like a summoning spell. The TV screen then suddenly faded to black and the two girls lost consciousness right where they were sitting.
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When they woke up, BD and Angelica found themselves in a dark forest where very little light leaked through the dark green leaves of the trees.
"Ugh, where are we? And how come I don't remember coming here." Angie said, while her eyes adjusted to the dim light.
"I don't know either," replied BD, "Why don't we get up and find out?”
"Okay, let's go."
Angie stood up, but she immediately fell back down.
"That’s weird, I can’t stand up for some reason."
"Me neither." BD said, while she attempted to stand up, too.
Angie looked over at her friend and saw that she looked different, she was pure white with dark and light blue hair.
"Woah, BD, your hair! It's-"
"It's what?!" BD gave a concerning look, but stopped and stared back at her friend. "You should see yourself!"
"Okay. How about we try to stand up again and we’ll find a mirror to see what we look like." Angie suggested.
"Sounds good to me, this forest is starting to really creep me out!"
So they both tried countless times just to stand up and walk, after a while, they got it down and were able to finally move.
"Hey look, there are some twinkling lights over there!" BD called out.
"Yeah, I see them too!"
"Let's go that way and see what is making the twinkling lights."
So they both started to walk to where the lights were, even though it was hard because they now had four legs instead of two.
As they wobbled on, the twinkling lights got closer and brighter.
"What is that?" Angie asked as a creature, dark blue in color, strode closer and closer to them.
"Is anypony there?" A strong and deep female voice called out from the darkness.
"Y-yes, there is my friend and I! W-we are lost and want to know where we are!" stammered Angie.
"You are in the land of Equestria and if you desire guidance, I can show you the way to the nearest town!"
"Did you hear that, she said that we are in Equestria! We must have been sucked into the TV during the premier." BD said.
“But that’s impossible,” cried Angie, “it’s just a kid's show on TV!”
"Hello, art thou still there?" The voice cried out again.
“Yes, we are still here!” Angie said.
Then, all of a sudden an unicorn, with wings and the hair of the night sky, walked up to them.
"Hello, my name is Princess Luna, sister to Princess Celestia."
"Oh my gosh it's Luna!" Angie whispered in excitement to BD.
"I know." BD whispered in reply.
"The nearest town is Ponyville, it is a very nice place, the ponies are kind and willing to help those in need." Luna offered.
"Okay, thank you." BD and Angie thanked the lunar princess simultaneously.
“But we’ll need a place to stay at.”
"There is one pony in particular who would probably be glad to share her home for a few days." Luna smiled.
"Okay, thanks again." Angie thanked again.
“Art thou ready then?” Luna asked.
“Yes!” the friends said together.
Luna giggled, and started walking towards Ponyville with the two friends right behind her.
Every author has at least one weakness, and yours are inexperience and haste. You're obviously new here. It's clear that you were so eager to get your first story up that you didn't actually put much thought into it. The result is the most generic pony fanfic I have ever seen. A little tip: the "Human in Equestria" (HiE) genre is so overdone that only a skilled author can actually pull it off well.
You really should take the time to read other stories before trying to write your own. This gives you an idea of what you should do. You don't learn to drive well without ever seeing a car in motion, so you shouldn't expect to write well without reading first. You should also read this site's convenient writing guide (Click here), which explains most of the rules and nuances of writing that you'll need to know.
I apologize if I seem harsh. It's important to learn these things early and quickly, to "nip it in the bud", so to speak. On the bright side, your spelling and grammar are amazing. Few newbies have such a good grasp on them.
4558245
It's a bit vague for now but it will get better as the chapters go on. Your criticism is noted, respected, and is going to definitely going to be a big help for the story.
4558983
It's not that it's vague, your story lacks substance. It's also moving at warp speed but I'll chalk that up to inexperience and a desire to get it out there as soon as possible.
First of all your chapters are woefully short. I always suggest that they be at least 1200 words. Your first "chapter" is only 269 words and tells us absolutely nothing. There's nothing there to engage the readers or give us a reason to want to read any further.
The second chapter is longer but again there is a severe lack of anything resembling an actual plot. Froot loops and orange juice? Does any of that have any point? You could take it out and it wouldn't affect the storyline in any way.
My suggestion is to read other fanfics, well rated ones especially, to see what makes them so popular.