Brony For Life! wanna play ps3 with me my psn is IAmEpicNinja wanna skype my skype name is Lil_Baby_Ninja
Soarin is emotionally destroyed when the love of his life gets put in an irreversible coma from one of the airshow stunts.
Meanwhile Fleetfoot is focused on finding love.
This is my first story, constructive criticism will be appreciated.
Editor; Rogueunicorn
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Very good for the first chapter can't wait for more.
Some of the characters could use fleshing out (more depth). Also 'fwell' shouldn't have the 'f' in it. Looking forward to more.
4693263 Thanks
and ok i will keep that in mind thanks.
Question is it Spitfire that goes into the coma?
i want to watch him and rd go
thumbs down for lesbieisem... sorry its just that i don't like that kinda stuff and you could of done without it to make for a better story
4707593 yes it is
4711785 im sorry to hear that. Im sure a lot of others will disagree but whatever floats your boat i guess. I can't please everyone.
There were a few errors, but still a good read.
4711530 Haha not really what i had in mind. I have other plans for RD
Nice setup, and great showing instead of telling in the first few paragraphs.
Couple things I noticed, since you asked for constructive criticism:
Does this story take place on Earth? Also, it's a bit flow-breaking to have the word 'drink' appear twice in the same sentence.
'Are' should be 'were' to keep your tenses consistent.
Quick style note: Not a huge deal, but indenting new paragraphs and putting in a line break is redundant. I prefer just having a line break for online stories myself, but it's really up to you.
Lastly, you should give this another proofread. There are a few other misspelled words, missing quotation marks, and a little weird grammar. The editing groups I've worked with were a great resource.
Looking forward to reading the rest! Soarin' is best pony. :soarinsmirk:
Soarin's not much of a romantic, is he?
I actually kinda like the proposal method - it shows how comfortable Soarin' and Spitfire are with each other. My one gripe with it is that it feels rushed, and I'd recommend taking some more time with that scene to show us what kind of emotions the two of them are going through.
4962083 It was rushed because I kinda wanted to get it done asap so I could get on with other things.
In december I will be writing a sequal, which will go into the lives of both of them before the accident, and I will be giing into more detail of RD and Fleetfoot.
And thanks for the feedback.
Just read it and I gotta agree with Vivid Syntax when I say:
I mean geez dude, you were going good there and ya blew it. I'm actually breaking a precedent and giving you a 'thumbs down' vote.
5039647 Ok i am starting to re write it because as i said before i rushed it towards the end because i was starting college and i wanted to finish it so i didn't have to leave it too long that i would forget all about it. also there was a few other reasons that i rushed it, but i'm not going into detail.
But other that that, thanks for the feedback.