I used to live in orphanage for unwanted kids, it was on and off, the foster parent's never wanted me. I never gotto make friends because of this. I got adopted & 1 of my brothers gone. Lifes great.
I dont really know if im normal or not....all that lies behing me are questions with no awnsers. I have no friends. Im all alone. Im abandoned. I only have one special gift i get once in a while. My grandmother. Her name is melody. She adopted my mother, so shes not my REAL grandmother. But i do love her. Im alot like her. But one day...she had to go. I hope shes happy....I may never be...But she still can.
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I am unfamilar with this strange word fist.
Please clarify.
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Fist- balling ones hand up, typically used for threatening violence.
What strange words you use. Fist, Hand. They sound like some sort of obscure weapon.
Ellipses: The Fanfiction
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ooops sorry lol thats suppose to be first not fist
You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...
Get an editor or at the very least a decent proofreader because letting errors run rampant in your description like this is a fast way to Oblivion. As your description is the very first piece of prose a potential reader sees, and the hook that gets them to click on the first chapter link, if it's got issues then many are gonna be turned off. In addition, throwing in the whole "My life sucks, I have no friends, etcetera, etcetera" spiel in there does nothing to help this become a better sadfic. If anything it makes people like me roll our eyes and say "Ugh, not another one." If she's got those issues they shouldn't be forced on us so blatantly, we should come to understand it in the story (as far as I know). For this reason sadfics are no easy thing to write so, cutting to the chase: by the end of the review I'll tell you to scrap it and try with an easier genre.
Other than that glaring bunch of errors, there's no category taggin abuse, chapter length is at a minimum, and while questionable the title works.
Onto the story!
Don't substitute indentations with six taps of the spacebar. In the story editor there's a indent button. Hit this to properly indent your story. In addition you can separate each paragraph with an extra stroke of the: 'enter/return' key (as I'm doing here).
That is neither a pony name nor is it properly capitalized. Pony names consist of a two-word combination of verbs, nouns, and adjectives (i.e. Rainbow (n) Dash (v)). Mizzoria is none of those things.
Ignoring the grammar, show more than tell. Telling us that it was a beautiful day fails in comparisons to showing us the sights, sounds, and smells of what your MC sees. Take this example:
More telling, less showing.
More showing, less telling.
See the difference? One of them is dull and lifeless, the other is interesting and lets you get a solid mental image of what's going on. Your job as a writer is to paint a picture for your readers to see. The more description of events through the use of showing, the better your story will ultimately be.
No. Lemme say that again: NO. Don't have alicorn OCs, ESPECIALLY when you're a newbie. Very little ever comes out of these characters unless in the form of parody, so just don't put them into your story.
Again, no. Vines aren't gonna work anywhere outside Hollywood and neither are simple sticks or pigeon feathers. If you wanna make a bow (for whatever reason) then that crap ain't gonna cut it. You need a really springy wood for the bow. Dry yew branches are some of the best. For a string, the only thing you're gonna find in the wild (that I remember at this time) is animal sinew. Tough, quality string will work but unless you're going to the local Home Depot you ain't gonna find any. For feathers, I hear goose feathers work the best. I can't remember what specifics you need for arrow shafts, but any strong and very straight wood should work. Arrowheads? Just sharpen the stick or use flaked stone and lash it on with any excess sinew.
I'll say it once more: show, don't tell.
If you've got humans in the story then you need human tags. Ponies haven't any shoes, televisions, or cars.
So, yeah.
There really wasn't any point in the story where I truly understood what the flying tits was going on. Like I said a while ago, all I can say is scrap this story and try again with help from an editor. Sadifcs are not easy to write so don't start with them. Start with one-shots. They're better for newbies to get their feet wet and an editor will be a massive help when it comes to learning the ropes. As well, be sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as you can. This'll help you even more to show you how other writers use their words to create their stories.
Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
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