My mysterious life.

by pinkis cupcake

First things first...I guess..

I sat on a bed. This is mine right? I close my eyes and try to remember my life...Sigh....i...cant remember much. Just myself lying on my bed. Why can i not remember anything? Ok...Ok...focuse mizzoria... FOCUS! I use to go to school. I went for...two years? I guess thats normal...i mean im only seven...or...six? GUH! Why am i so stupid! Moving on. I didnt know my birthday, or what one was until i was about...five or six. I like to adventure.

I rack my brain. Nothing. I hear a song in the back of my head, i cannot make out the words but the song is very...nice. I open my eyes and look out my huge window with a smile. Its a beatiful day today. Im not smiling anymore. I want to be happy but for some reason i... I just cannot. Sigh. I stand up and walk out of the house. I slowly walk around, making sure to be aware of my surroundings. For some reason i dont seem to reconize this place. I walk to a fence and open it. I sigh and stick my head up, when i open my eyes and the first thing i see is a tree. I tilt my head to the side. Words invade my head and it starts to hurt a tad bit. MANGO PEACH PEAR ORANGE PATATO ORANGE! Thats it! Its a Orange tree. I start to walk- oops, i made a mistake, its a grapefriut. That word is funny in my mouth. Grape friut. Grapefruit. Grape fruit.
" Guh rape friut."i shove a hoove in my mouth. I can talk!? ' NO DUH . Everypony can. im forgetful. hmm....sounds fimiliar. The fruit of a grape. Grape : a ovalish friut purple and green, it hads seeds. Facehoove. No duh you useless...what am i? Im a...alicorn...? yes thats it. I have a white coat and deep black hair. My eyes are....green. Wait.. how do i know that? I dont think i...oh wait yes i have. I looked in a mirror before. I remember looking into it standing proud and tall with proud broud smile. I though, ' Im amazing!'

I smile and a tear streams down face. I walk across the streat. There are houses, but nopony is there. At all.... I cross the street into an opening and stop. There are different size and shaped sticks and twigs. I look up and see vines all over the metal fences. I pick up a curved twig and walk to the fence on my left. I grab a vine and it brakes. CRAP! I try about tree more times and FINALLY!!!!

The vine is now tied to the curved twig, no wait, its a stick, sticks are bigger. Like streats and roads. Ok so i now have a bow. I need a arrow. So then. First things first. I grab a couple twigs and feathers- wait, were did the bird feathers come from? I scan the area and some pigents are walking around. I catch a glace of a red robbin. Pretty. I put my hoove down on the long im sitting on and when i look at it im holding a knife. I start making triangle shapes and making the twigs a little bit more smooth. I tie the triangles to the stick, although it took a while. I try to stich a feather in the twig... CRAPPPP!! The point bends and the feathers ruined. I take the knife and rapidly jab holes in the twigs. Ok good. I take the feathers and...perfect! I know how acess to bows and arrows. I pull a arrow back and aim at the fenche then let go. Fail. Agin. Fail. Then. Hit. I retrieve the three arrows.

Next thing i know im at my house watching t.v. on a couch. Wheres my bow and arrows? Why am i no longer pissed off? Why was i in the first place? Where are my shoes? Where did these chips come from? I dont ask myself these questions. I dont care. I go to the bathroom and i feel really tired.

I wake up and dont remember going into my bedroom. I guess thats just what usally happens. I dont have blankets. What are blankets? Its like someones taking my memmories away because they dont want me to remember. Always like this isn't it? I sit up in bed and walk to the fridge. Whats a fridge? Aww agin? Its like i have to learn these things, or relearn? I opened the big white door infront of me. Nothing good. Why was i even looking in the fridge? AHA! Gotcha bitch! I know what a fridge is! But sireously, im not even hungry. What ever. I cant really remember what happened after.

I dont remember if it was along time or only a little from whats happening now. Memmories are flashing through my head. In the memmory im in a car sitting quietly. I have a seatbelt on. Im expretionless. Next memory im crying with a terrified look on my face. The next memmories are me hitting my head on a car by accedent. "ow" " oops" "crud" " OOOWWWW FRICK" I would say. " NOOO!" I shrieked as i attempted to exit the car with groceries, knowing what was going to happen agin. " PLEASE!!..please...it..it hurts so much..every thing hurst me...please." i contined thinking it would help. I hit my head so hard i dropped the grocheries. " OWWW..." i whined. Sorry journal, but i dont think you want to hear about me hitting my head for a while longer. The car must really hate me. Sight. When the memmories stop i gasp. My eye's water a little. NO! No...no those...they..those...they.. they...cannot be mine. Deep breaths come on now. I snap out of the...whatever was happening.
" Mizzoria are you ok?" My mother said with a smile. Be happy youre sister birthday is going to be soon!"

" OMIGOSH! really! Im so happy! " I said to her in a cherrie voice, smmiling deeply. I feel good for my sister. She loves birthdays.

Well, a couple...i dont evven know what, later i was sitting with a girl. Her name was anna. She was ten.
" Im only eleven " i said to my white earthpony friend with a Dark brown mane. Her eyes were brown. She looked like she was hiding something, like she had been throught alot. Let me tell you journal, i didn't really notice it until quite a while later. OH!, also it was around a year later from when the fridge thing happened. P.s. the fridge only had a little bit of bread, eggs, pickles, and...i think thats all.

Author's Note:

So....yea...thats about it for the first chapter.

Comments

[The Cardboard Box]

Fist things First...

I am unfamilar with this strange word fist.
Please clarify.

[Normal]

4537528
Fist- balling ones hand up, typically used for threatening violence.

[The Cardboard Box]

What strange words you use. Fist, Hand. They sound like some sort of obscure weapon.

[ChromeMyriad]

Ellipses: The Fanfiction

[pinkis cupcake]

4537620
4537528
4537633
ooops sorry lol thats suppose to be first not fist

[Warren Peace]

You qualify for a Warren Peace review. Prepare yourself...

[Warren Peace]

I dont don't really know if im I'm normal or not....all that lies behing behind me are questions with no awnsers answers. I have no friends. Im I'm all alone. Im I'm abandoned. I only have one special gift i I get once in a while. My grandmother. Her name is melody Melody. She adopted my mother, so shes not my REAL grandmother. But i I do love her. Im I'm alot like her. But one day...she had to go. I hope shes she's happy....I may never be...But she still can.

Get an editor or at the very least a decent proofreader because letting errors run rampant in your description like this is a fast way to Oblivion. As your description is the very first piece of prose a potential reader sees, and the hook that gets them to click on the first chapter link, if it's got issues then many are gonna be turned off. In addition, throwing in the whole "My life sucks, I have no friends, etcetera, etcetera" spiel in there does nothing to help this become a better sadfic. If anything it makes people like me roll our eyes and say "Ugh, not another one." If she's got those issues they shouldn't be forced on us so blatantly, we should come to understand it in the story (as far as I know). For this reason sadfics are no easy thing to write so, cutting to the chase: by the end of the review I'll tell you to scrap it and try with an easier genre.

Other than that glaring bunch of errors, there's no category taggin abuse, chapter length is at a minimum, and while questionable the title works.

Onto the story!

[Formatting]

Don't substitute indentations with six taps of the spacebar. In the story editor there's a indent button. Hit this to properly indent your story. In addition you can separate each paragraph with an extra stroke of the: 'enter/return' key (as I'm doing here).

mizzoria Mizzoria

That is neither a pony name nor is it properly capitalized. Pony names consist of a two-word combination of verbs, nouns, and adjectives (i.e. Rainbow (n) Dash (v)). Mizzoria is none of those things.

Its It's a beatiful beautiful day today.

Ignoring the grammar, show more than tell. Telling us that it was a beautiful day fails in comparisons to showing us the sights, sounds, and smells of what your MC sees. Take this example:

Something hit his wing very hard, breaking some of the bones. It hurt so much that it made him cry.

More telling, less showing.

There was a rush of air as something flew at him, striking his wing with a sickening crunch of bone. He gave a pained cry, squeezing his eyes closed against a sudden torrent of warm tears as the injured appendage throbbed with pain.

More showing, less telling.

See the difference? One of them is dull and lifeless, the other is interesting and lets you get a solid mental image of what's going on. Your job as a writer is to paint a picture for your readers to see. The more description of events through the use of showing, the better your story will ultimately be.

Im I'm a...alicorn...? yes thats Yes that's it.

No. Lemme say that again: NO. Don't have alicorn OCs, ESPECIALLY when you're a newbie. Very little ever comes out of these characters unless in the form of parody, so just don't put them into your story.

[Making a bow scene]

Again, no. Vines aren't gonna work anywhere outside Hollywood and neither are simple sticks or pigeon feathers. If you wanna make a bow (for whatever reason) then that crap ain't gonna cut it. You need a really springy wood for the bow. Dry yew branches are some of the best. For a string, the only thing you're gonna find in the wild (that I remember at this time) is animal sinew. Tough, quality string will work but unless you're going to the local Home Depot you ain't gonna find any. For feathers, I hear goose feathers work the best. I can't remember what specifics you need for arrow shafts, but any strong and very straight wood should work. Arrowheads? Just sharpen the stick or use flaked stone and lash it on with any excess sinew.

Fail. Agin Again. Fail. Then. Hit.

I'll say it once more: show, don't tell.

Where are my shoes?

If you've got humans in the story then you need human tags. Ponies haven't any shoes, televisions, or cars.

So, yeah.

There really wasn't any point in the story where I truly understood what the flying tits was going on. Like I said a while ago, all I can say is scrap this story and try again with help from an editor. Sadifcs are not easy to write so don't start with them. Start with one-shots. They're better for newbies to get their feet wet and an editor will be a massive help when it comes to learning the ropes. As well, be sure to read, read, READ as much good fiction as you can. This'll help you even more to show you how other writers use their words to create their stories.

Questions or concerns? PM me. Otherwise good luck and farewell...
/)