• Member Since 17th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen July 9th

Lord of Nothing


I'm pretty uninteresting. I also can't write or draw, but I do both anyway.

T

A stallion wakes up in a room with no idea who or even where he is. However, he soon meets an equally lost mare, and the two head off together in search of anything that can help them figure out who they might have been.


Pre-read by the always wonderful Jet Howitzer and Permanganate; these guys are great, and I love them for putting up with me. Any help/criticism you all have to offer is greatly appreciated.

Chapters (2)
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Comments ( 9 )

Moar. I demand Moar.

Why are more people not reading this? What the hell... Time to flex my literary muscle.

6197825

Thank you very, very much, dude/dudette.

I thought I had changed this to "On Hiatus" a while back, but I guess I did not, and I'll use that advice for the non-dialogue in future chapters, whenever they finally trickle out.

Goodness, somepony’s a touch paranoid. But a character quirk such as that definitely makes the protagonist stand out, and that’s a good thing. As you said in the group thread, the amnesia idea has been done and overdone plenty of times before, but I rather like what you’ve written regardless. Maybe it’s because this amnesiac doesn’t have those “fleeting glimpses of something incredibly important”, maybe it’s because he recognizes that such a thing is more prone to fiction than reality, or perhaps even because of his paranoid personality—more likely, it’s a combination of all three. :twilightsmile:
This is when I toss out my two bits in edit suggestions. Please don’t take them the wrong way, as many a writer on this site seems to do; I’m just trying to be helpful. Feel free to ignore them all—they are only suggestions, after all. :raritywink:

Once more, I woke up, though this time to the sound of somewhat muffled knocking.

At the beginning of the story, the way you phrased the first sentence allowed for the past tense of woke. Here, however, the tense should remain the same as the rest of the sentence, and the story as a whole—in the present. So, instead of woke, it should be wake.

… until a discharge is heard.

This is a rather plain way to describe a sudden and no doubt startling explosion of sound and energy. The sentence that follows this is also flat and not terribly engaging. Something’s finally happening, but it feels like it’s being expressed in that dry monotone the history teacher uses in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off.

… so as to not out up a fight…

This is extremely awkward. There are at least three prepositions there in a row, and the way they’re arranged doesn’t help matters. Perhaps just simplify this to something like, “so as not to start a fight”, or “so as not to start up a fight” if you still want to use up. However you choose to revise it, don’t split the infinitive (“to” + verb); that should only be done sparingly, if at all.

… and my head just bounced up…

Another accidental tense shift, easily fixed.

… and instead tales a deep breath…

Typo: take, not tale

… my mouth is saying yes and taking one of her outstretched hooves in my own.

I would suggest adding an I’m in there between and and taking. Without it, the sentence starts out stating that he’s taking her hooves in his mouth, which I’m fairly certain isn’t the intention. :raritywink:

… and I find that "Out" is…

Since it’s in the middle of the sentence and not a proper name, out should be lowercase.

… as my dark space from which I'd just come from.

Redundant use of from. Since you already used it in “from which,” it doesn’t belong at the end of the sentence as well.

The only other thing that really stuck out to me was the sudden switch from a philosophical perspective to paranoid when Blue shows up. By themselves, there’s nothing wrong with either one, but jumping from one to the other like that is inconsistent and it throws the reader out of the story, which isn’t something any writer wants to do. I’d suggest finding a way to either transition smoothly between the two, or incorporate some of the paranoia into the philosophical half of the story, and vice versa.

That’s all I got this time! Can’t wait to read the next part! :twilightsmile:

Okay, I’m officially invested in these characters and what’s going on. Wastelands, weaponry, amnesia, poorly imagined names that the characters recognize as poorly imagined—what’s not to love? I’ll definitely be keeping up with this one. Expect a follow shortly after this comment’s posted! Can’t wait for the next chapter! :pinkiehappy:
On to the obligatory editing suggestions!

… staring on in disbelief…

There’s really no need for on here, it’s just an extra preposition.

It's lifeless, but far away from empty…

I’d say the away here is also unnecessary, as far isn’t really describing distance. If you’d still prefer something besides “far from empty”, you could substitute it for something like “a far cry from empty” instead.

… lays off maybe a mile or so away…

The use of off as well as away is redundant. Pick one and omit the other.

… she lets out a yell of her own…

A yell of what, exactly, that would then facilitate the means by which the protagonist reaches the “ground in a cloud of dust”?

… as if a humongous structure had finally began to settle.

Tense inconsistency again—should be begun when paired with had

… rises up from within me…

I believe I covered the +3 prepositions in a row thing in my last comment. :raritywink:

… why would I be anymore able…

Anymore should be any more in this instance.

… whatever happened to lie out further?

Two things:
I’m not sure why, mechanically speaking, but the to lie out seems awkward and incorrect to me. Feel free to ignore this, I suppose, but I’d suggest revising to something less awkward, perhaps along the lines of: “… whatever happened to lie in wait farther out?”
Which brings me to my second point: When describing a physical distance, farther should be used, not further (unless you’re of British nationality, in which case the further would be correct).

… so I try and avoid making contact…

A preposition, not a conjunction, should be used here between try and avoid. To “try and avoid” is to negate the act of trying, as one has clearly succeeded in the evasion, in which case try has no place in the sentence at all. To “try to avoid” is to make the attempt at evasion; whether or not it is successful will be described later in the sentence or following sentences. I think I spotted one of these in the last chapter, but I couldn’t find it again to add to my comment on that one. I’d advise going back to check for that when you do your other revisions/editing.

Celestia above, it's like…

So he can’t remember anything beyond the general identities of the surrounding objects, scenery, etc., but he remembers Celestia? (This also applies to his use of Goddess later.)

She repositions, laying down from her upright position…

Two things:
First, the use of reposition and position in such close proximity, while not the exact same word, are nevertheless so closely related that it sounds repetitive. Perhaps visit a thesaurus—or Thesaurus.com, which is what I use—to find another word or way to describe the “upright position”, if not omitting this prepositional phrase entirely, which would be fine as well.
Second, I’ve noticed that you keep switching between lay and lie without much distinguishing qualifiers behind the reasoning. There is a difference, but it’s a confusing one. That’s why I’ve bookmarked a specific page just for this for my own use; perhaps you’ll find it helpful as well: http://www.verbix.com/webverbix/English/lay.html

… and, uh...then...oh…

A space should follow every ellipsis [“…”]. This occurs a few other times throughout the story, but I’ll leave those for you to find.

… she chimes again.

The verb chimes doesn’t work well in this context all by its lonesome. Add an in after it to keep it company. :twilightsmile:

… and she just tilts her head and asks "Yes?", almost as if she were making fun of me for finally understanding.

Two things here:
First, a comma should always follow the verb initiating dialogue—in this case, asks. So shift that comma after the dialogue to its proper place instead.
Second, having that clause—or phrase, or whatever the grammar books call it—tacked on after the dialogue is awkward and would be better written as either part of the sentence preceding the dialogue or its own sentence entirely.

Blue clears her throat, probably getting ready to go back to what she was originally going to say.

"Now, do you know why I gave myself that name?"

Since the dialogue also belongs to Blue, it should be combined with the previous paragraph. Only start a new paragraph for dialogue when someone new starts speaking. This happens a couple of times throughout the story as well, so, again, I’ll leave you to find the others. (This applies to all those times you write Gray’s silent gesture-responses, such as nods, because they are still responses by a separate character from Blue.)

Gears were turning faster than I thought they could inside my head.

What was Blue trying to say? That we both blacked out…

Both of these paragraphs are describing Gray’s thoughts, so they should be a single paragraph. This also happens a number of times—you know the drill. :raritywink:

… no other choice beside her and dying alone…

Beside should be besides, in this instance.

… make our way even further out…

Distance = farther, not further thing again (unless, of course, you live across the Pond).

Two last things I noticed throughout the entire story—both chapters—are that you really love long sentences and semi-colons. As someone who tends to write long sentences without realizing it until afterward, as well as using semi-colons way too often and likely in incorrect places, I know how easy it is to just go with it and not give them much notice—until someone else points them out, anyway.
Concerning the long sentences, I’d advise giving your writing some variety. Put in some short sentences when things get dicey or something unexpected happens. There’s nothing wrong with shorter sentences. Regarding the overabundant semi-colons, I’d advise taking them out completely and, while revising, only put them back in where they are most needed, which isn’t terribly often. I’ve had a time teaching myself this, as can be witnessed by all the crazy semi-colons in my earlier, as yet unrevised stories, so I do understand this point. I’ll just say that it doesn’t matter if they crop up while you’re writing, but you must be vigilant for them while proofreading/editing/revising so that you can rectify the matter before clicking “publish”. :twilightsmile:

And I apologize for my lengthy comments. :twilightblush: Thanks for putting up with them.

Gah! Crap. Sorry, one last thing: Why is there an I in the title? It seems rather out of place.

6198138 6198380

Thank you very, very much! Like, seriously, these two comments are all I could have ever asked from any comment/user ever! I will go back and make all of those changes and corrections as soon as possible, and, like, seriously, you're now my favorite person here.



6198387

The I is there because, before it ended up taking me sixty or so weeks to really get the next chapter rolling, the idea was that there would be multiple parts where Blue and Gray walk around outside, making the chapters be "Ouside I", "Outside II", "Outside III", and so on and so forth, just so that I wouldn't have to try and come up with individual chapter names for each time they just walk around.

It's lazy, I know.

6198536 Aw, thanks. :twilightsmile: Glad to be of help!
Regarding the chapter title: No, that's a great idea! At least I think so, anyway. Stick with it!

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