Canterlot: The greatest city in Equestria. This is what many ponies will tell you... but there is more to Canterlot than meets the eye. Beneath the stunning and perfect cover, darker forces are at play. A string of murders throughout the city have caught the attention of a young detective mare whose highest priority in life is to put guilty ponies behind bars. But this case is more complicated than she expected, and only gets worse when she meets the grotesque pegasus stallion named Zombi. But is he friend... or foe?
Rated Teen for harsh language and gore.
Chapters (9)
I have already read this, and it's incredible, it put's mine to shame
Nicely written, now I have to decide which is better. This, or Discharge's story... And the winner is... Pause for dramatic effect... a tie. This could be better than Discharge's, but i will give it a few more chapters before I make my decision.
I honestly was not expecting any positive feedback! Thanks. ^^
Intriguing...I'll be keeping track of this
Thank you ^//^
"We can't arrest someone solely on the grounds that they're creepy."
..."Hey, you know that guy we've got in holding?"
"The creepy one?"
"Better let him go."
Apparently Fact has never heard that >.< But she's crrrazy desperate!
Awesome story, keep on writing.
533243 Thanks for the encouragement!
Hmm, perplexing...I have no idea what to think right now.
Ooh... That's an interesting response. Well, I hope you come to enjoy it ^^'.
I know it's terrible.
I enjoyed it, quite a bit actually. Keep on writing!
Yay! So I'm doing SOMETHING right
Not bad at all. I rather have enjoyed this. Well worth a thumbs up! Also first!
799060 aww thanks ^\\^ I really appreciate it!
The romance felt rather forced. I think what you were going for was that they were stressed and in their need to relieve their tension they opened up to each other and gave into their feelings, but the situation (in my humble opinion) calls for mourning, not romance. Remember, these two just lost a lot friends to some very grisly deaths, and from the way you worded it they seemed like very close friends. Not to mention that Fact Finder and Hot Pursuit watched it happen. I don't think either of them would be in a mood for romance. An important thing to keep in mind when writing romance is that timing is everything. This would have been a fantastic moment to show the beginnings of a romance between Fact Finder and Hot Pursuit. In my opinion, you should have used this chapter to show them finding comfort in each other's presence in the wake of the night's events. I think this particular romance scene shouldn't have happened for another 8-10 chapters.
Also, it would help if you added a space between each paragraph, and even more importantly don't put one character's action line on another character's speaking line. For example:
"Y-you mean all this... was deliberate!?" Zombi snorted at the officer, clearly amused by his shock.
This is confusing. It took me a couple of looks to catch that Hot Pursuit was speaking. What it comes off of initially is Zombi speaking, and we don't know why he's saying what he's saying.
Other than that, keep up the good work! I like how you've portrayed Zombi as a villain. It's always neat to see a seemingly innocent character trick the protagonist into trusting him/her, and then showing their true colors in such a dark way. I'm especially curious as to how he killed the first victim of the night without being anywhere near her at the time (I think it was a her, it's been a while since I read this chapter, not sure why I waited to critique it until now). You have definitely sparked my interest, and I look forward to reading the next chapter when I can get to it!
Keep on writing, Zombi!
804194 I'll admit that looking at it now, it does look kinda forced ^^' Thank for the advice! I am still a novice but I hope to improve with all your help. All will be explained soon enough!
Multiple Personality Disorder wouldn't explain his apparent ability to be in two places at once.
No it doesn't does it? *Shifty eyes*
No, it doesn't XD
Step 1: A traumatize and outlandish little colt during its early foalhood.
Step 2: Make him look at himself as a monster all alone by himself.
Step 3: ???
Step 4: Dead Ponies... Dead Ponies Everywhere...
Step 5: Trust and Mistrust? Wait... didn't that mean mare, Speedy, just barged in and saw what everyone in their right mind would consider to be the "Killer?"
Step 6: UPCOMING ANSWERS IN THE NEXT CHAPTER (perhaps?)
All sums up to an awesome chapter and an author that really needs to stop keeping me always at the edge of my SEAT!!!