Ch 20. Moving On
A week passed in Equestria, and life went on. Everypony was doing their best to adjust to the fact that their rulers, Celestia and Luna, were both gone forever.
Doctor Whooves ensured everypony that they didn’t have to worry about the day and the night. He told them that the sun and the earth and the moon would run themselves. Just because Celestia and Luna had the power to manipulate the day and the night didn’t mean it was necessary for them to. In fact, nature, in and of itself, didn’t need to be controlled at all. It needed to be cared for, of course, but not controlled. Prince Blueblood and his friends seemed to recall Discord telling them something about that about a year ago, and they thought it was odd that they seemed to have just glossed over that bit of important information.
In Celestia and Luna’s absence, their royal council of chief advisers took over running the government. Equestria, of course, would still need a new ruler to take the throne sooner or later, however. Everyone was extremely surprised when Prince Blueblood actually turned down the opportunity to take the throne for himself.
“Not too long ago, I probably would have leaped at the opportunity to be King,” Blueblood had said. “But I guess I’m wiser now. I know now that ruling requires a lot of responsibility, and you all know how I feel about that.”
Sadly, they all did.
Blueblood told them he instead wanted to become an artist. He loved art, but he had never considered it because it wasn’t his special talent. But now that he knew he could accomplish anything he wanted, he decided to practice being an artist, no matter how long it took him. Trixie offered to be his model, once he became a professional artist, so that he might “Capture her greatness on canvas!”
In the end, Princess Cadence ended up taking the throne. Turns out, in this corrected universe, she wasn’t ruling the Crystal Empire. The Crystal Empire already had its own crystal pony Empress, whom the Element Bearers and a team of Equestria’s soldiers had helped get her memory back, and retake her throne from Sombra, with the Elements of Harmony, back when the Crystal Empire had returned.
So Cadence was crowned the new Queen of Equestria. Turns out, in this universe, they had Queens ruling instead of Princesses.
Cadence also stopped using her love spell on ponies, after learning of all the trouble Celestia had caused by influencing ponies with magic, she realized how wrong it was. From then on, she decided she would help ponies with love by using her knowledge on the matter, and talking to them, rather then just simply casting spells on them. Even though magic was a useful tool, it was not the answer to everything.
Sunset Shimmer decided to leave Equestria with the Doctor in his TARDIS, becoming his new companion. Of course, she hadn’t actually given him much choice in the matter.
“Goodbye forever, Equestria!” she shouted. “I’m going on adventures in time and space with this handsome stallion!”
Her horn glowed and she suddenly started dragging Doctor Whooves behind her with her magic, towards the TARDIS.
“Hey! What the…!” the Doctor exclaimed in surprise as he was suddenly dragged across the ground against his will.
“Come on, time boy!” Sunset said. “You’re taking me to a spa on a planet made of diamonds!”
“OKAY! OKAY! JUST STOP DRAGGING ME!” the Doctor shouted. “I REALLY HATE MAGIC!”
Sunset hurled the Doctor through the TARDIS door with her magic and then she trotted in herself, slamming the door shut behind her. A few moments later, the mechanical droning of the TARDIS was heard, and the blue police box faded away.
Sunset Shimmer was never seen or heard from again.
So, seven days after the universe was saved, and Celestia and Luna had died, Trixie, Blueblood, Gilda, Lightning Dust, and Surprise were sitting around a small, fancy table outside a restaurant on the streets of Canterlot, enjoying some drinks and just hanging out, enjoying a bright, sunny day in the big, grand city. The others had all gone back to their own lives.
“Another wild adventure completed,” said Lightning Dust. “What should we do now?”
“I don’t know,” said Gilda with a shrug. “Something good? Something bad? A bit of both?”
“I don’t know about the rest of you, but I for one am adventured out!” said Blueblood.
“But I haven’t even gotten to go on any adventures yet!” complained Surprise.
“Oh, please!” said Trixie with a role of her eyes. “You went on plenty of adventures in the G1 series!”
“Oh, right!” said Surprise with a smile. Then she chuckled to herself. “Boy, that brings back memories. Nothing can stop the Smooze!”
“So where are Jet Set and Upper Crust?” asked Lightning Dust. “I thought, since they live in Canterlot, they’d be with us.”
“I believe they went to see their Doctor about Upper Crust’s pregnancy,” said Blueblood.
“Hey, any of you wanna start making bets on whether it’s a filly or a colt?” asked Gilda. “Five bits says it’s a filly!”
Trixie shook her head, and then looked at Lightning Dust. “So how are things going becoming a Wonderbolt, Lightning Dust?”
“It’s not easy,” said Lightning Dust, “especially due to the fact that I’m still on Spitfire’s bad side, but I’m gradually working my way back up.”
“HEY, YOU!”
They all turned their heads at the sudden nearby angry shout. To their dismay, they saw the white unicorn stallion, Shining Armor, standing on the other side of the brick paved street, glaring at them. He started walking over to them.
Oh, great. What does he want? Blueblood thought to himself with a groan.
Shining Armor stopped in front of their table. “I hope you’re all happy!” he said angrily.
The five friends looked at each other, confused, and then looked back at Shining Armor.
“What do you want?” Gilda said to him in annoyance.
Shining Armor continued to glare daggers at them. “Why couldn’t you all have just left well enough alone?”
They were taken aback by the guard pony’s statement.
Shining Armor continued. “We were happy! Everypony was happy the way things were! Queen Celestia gave us hope! She made us all feel special and safe! What right did any of you have to take that away! If you had all just trusted Celestia, and not stuck your noses where they didn’t belong, Celestia and Luna would still be alive, and everypony would still be happy! But you jerks had to go and ruin everything!”
They stared at Shining Armor in shock. They couldn’t believe what they were hearing.
“WHAT?!” exclaimed Blueblood. “You’re saying that we should have just let everything go on as it was!? You’d really rather have stayed ignorant to the truth?”
“Why not?!” said Shining Armor. “We were better off the way things were!”
Trixie remembered an old saying she had once heard. Ignorance is bliss. She guessed this was one of those cases.
“Not only that, Twilight is in terrible shape! Her friends contacted Cadence and I, and they say she’s locked herself in her bedroom and hasn’t come out in days! She’s devastated! Finding out the truth about Celestia, the pony she’s looked up to and idolized her whole life, as well as Celestia and Luna’s horrible deaths, have caused her to just shut down! You’ve crushed everything she lived for! And now everypony in Equestria is also uncertain and scared! So I just hope your all happy and proud of yourselves! Cadence and I are going to go see Twilight today, and see if we can help her! Not that any of you care!”
Shining Armor turned away from them and trotted away.
After he was gone, the group of friends returned to their drinks.
“Poor, Twilight,” said Surprise in concern as she looked down at her sarsaparilla. “But I suppose this would hit her pretty hard.”
“That Shining Armor’s wrong though,” said Gilda. “Everyone needed to know the truth. If they can’t handle it, then… that’s they’re problem. They’re just gonna have to!” She picked up her own sarsaparilla and began sipping it through the straw.
“Yeah,” said Surprise. “But still, I feel sorry for Twilight. We should go and see her too!”
They all stared at Surprise in… surprise.
“Why?” said Trixie, making a disgusted face. “We don’t like her, remember?”
“You guys don’t like her,” said Surprise. “I, on the other hoof, like everypony!”
“Then you go see her then!” said Lightning Dust. “I don’t give a flying feather!”
Surprise looked around at her four friends at the table as they sipped their drinks. It was clear none of them liked Twilight, or any of her friends, so none of them would want to go cheer her up. She thought to herself how she could possibly get them to go with her to see her then. She knew she had to think of something clever.
Finally, an idea came to her. “You know… Twilight is probably more miserable then she has ever been before. Are you seriously telling me that you want to pass up a chance to see that?”
Trixie’s ears twitched at that, and she looked at Surprise. She couldn’t deny that that was an intriguing thought. Twilight and her friends had always been the ones who always won and succeeded at everything they did, and it had always irritated the crap out of her. This could be her one and only chance to see one of them after things had, for once, not turned out so great for them in the end. Even if this wasn’t something even she would mock someone about, it was too tempting an opportunity to pass up! Besides, she could still pretend to be nice to Twilight.
………………
A few hours later, Trixie, Surprise, and Blueblood were knocking on the front door of Ponyville library.
“I can’t believe you dragged me back here,” Blueblood said to Trixie in irritation as they stood outside the Ponyville library. He had not cared to come back to this country town. Neither had Gilda and Lightning Dust, but because Trixie had wanted to go, Blueblood was forced to accompany her since he was her boyfriend, and she told him he had to.
On the other side of the door, they heard hoofsteps approaching, and then the door opened up, revealing none other than Rarity standing there.
Rarity scowled at them when she saw who it was. “What do you want?”
“We heard Twilight wasn’t feeling so well, so we came to cheer her up,” said Trixie, doing her best to fake a concerned face.
Rarity’s scowl intensified. “You honestly expect me to believe that?”
Then Blueblood spoke. “Actually, I’m only here because Trixie wanted to come here, and I’m her boyfriend, so that means I had to go with her,” he said with a groan.
Surprise facehoofed. Now they would never get in.
Rarity looked at Trixie. “Really, Trixie, why in the wide wide world of Equestria are you dating that jerk? Even YOU could do better than HIM! I assure you, dear, he’s nothing but a royal pain who doesn’t care about anypony but himself!”
“I beg your pardon!” Blueblood shot back angrily at the white marshmallow standing in front of him.
Trixie simply turned to Blueblood and placed a hoof on his chest to calm him. “Don’t listen to her, sweetie,” she said to him calmly. “Trixie knows you’re not really like that… anymore.”
Blueblood gave her a look when she said ‘anymore’, but he shrugged and calmed down.
Trixie continued speaking. “Also, sweetie, Trixie is thirsty. This hot dry country air has made her parched.”
Blueblood nodded in agreement. “I know what you mean. I could go for a drink myself.”
Trixie just continued to look up at him expectantly.
After a few seconds, Blueblood understood. “Oh! Um… I’ll just go and get us some drinks then.”
Trixie smiled. “Thank you, sweetheart,” she said, rubbing her hoof under his chin affectionately.
Blueblood sighed and walked off away from the library to buy them some drinks.
Trixie turned back to Rarity, whose mouth was gaping open from what she had just seen. Trixie smirked triumphantly. “You just need to know how to break a stallion. AND TRIXIE IS THE GREATEST AT BREAKING STALLIONS!”
Suddenly they heard someone yelling inside the library, and Rarity turned around and ran back into the house. Trixie and Surprise both shrugged and quickly followed after her into the library.
They walked to what they assumed was the door to Twilight’s bedroom. All the rest of Twilight’s friends, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Spike, Shining Armor and Cadence were all standing outside the door. Their expressions changed to shock and anger when they saw Trixie, and Surprise approaching behind Rarity.
“Hey! What are you doing here?” growled Rainbow Dash at them, leaping into the air and hovering in one spot with her wings.
Rarity turned around and looked surprised to see Trixie and Surprise behind her. “Hey! I didn’t invite you in!”
“I heard Twilight was upset, so I want to cheer her up,” said Surprise, flashing them all an innocent smile.
“And what about her?” yelled Applejack, pointing at Trixie with her hoof.
“Oh… Trixie came to see her too,” said Trixie, remembering to fake a concerned expression.
At that moment, they all heard Twilight’s voice coming from behind the door.
“Go away! All of you! I’m not in the mood!” They could hear Twilight sobbing.
They all turned back to the door. “Twily, please come out!” Shining Armor pleaded. “You’ve been in there for days!”
“We’re your friends, Twilight!” Fluttershy said. “Let us help you!”
“Leave me alone!” they heard Twilight sob.
Trixie growled in annoyance. “This is taking too long!” she said. “Trixie doesn’t have all day!” Trixie’s horn glowed. Before anyone realized what she was doing, Trixie blasted the door to Twilight’s bedroom with a spell. The blast knocked the door down off its hinges, and it fell flat on the floor inside Twilight’s bedroom.
Everyone stared at Trixie in shock at what she had just done. She, however, looked completely unconcerned by her actions.
Looking into the room, they could see Twilight sitting up on her bed, looking surprised to see that her door had just been blasted off its hinges. Her eyes were red, like she had been crying a lot recently. There were a bunch of used tissues lying all over the floor.
“OH MY GOSH!” Twilight shouted. “YOU ACTUALLY JUST DESTROYED MY BEDROOM DOOR! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU ALL…” Twilight then noticed Trixie standing amongst her friends. She scowled at the azure unicorn angrily. “What the hay are you doing here?”
“Trixie and Surprise wanted to cheer you up,” said Trixie as she and the rest of them began entering Twilight’s room. She looked back behind her for the white Pegasus mare, but didn’t see her anywhere. “Hey! Where did Surprise go?”
Suddenly, Surprise popped up from behind the other side of Twilight’s bed. “SURPRISE!” she shouted, causing a startled Twilight to scream and leap up off of her bed in fright, and land back on her bed with a bounce.
“Did I cheer you up?” Surprise asked the purple unicorn, who was holding her hoof to her chest and taking deep breaths.
Twilight gaped at her. “NO!” she shouted angrily. “YOU NEARLY GAVE ME A HEART ATTACK!”
Surprise huffed in disappointment. “Well then I’M all out of ideas!” she said, and then walked out from behind Twilight's bed with a frown.
“My gosh! You look terrible!” Trixie said as she stared up at Twilight. The purple unicorn really did look a mess and unkempt. Her fur coat was unkempt and her mane and tail were messy. And from a slight smell, they guessed Twilight hadn’t bathed recently either. Trixie actually felt a twinge of pity for Twilight. She hadn’t realized Twilight was this bad. She immediately felt a bit guilty for her original reasons for coming here.
They all walked up to Twilight’s bed.
“Twilight, I’m sorry,” said Cadence. “I know you were really close to Celestia, and Luna too. I was close to them too, and I know the death of ponies you care about isn’t easy, but you can’t just lock yourself away for the rest of your life!”
Twilight sniffed. “I appreciate it, Cadence, but you don’t understand! Its more then just that! I had put all my faith in Queen Celestia. I looked up to her! I idolized her! She was everything to me! And now, to find out that she wasn’t the great and wonderful pony I thought she was, and knowing that the one pony who I looked to for guidance and wisdom, who gave me a secure path to follow in life, is gone forever, I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with my life now!” Twilight broke down again, and flopped back down on her bed on her back. “What am I supposed to do without her? All I’ve ever wanted was to make her proud of me! I have NOTHING to live for anymore!” Then she screamed, startling everyone in the room. “SOMEPONY, TELL ME WHAT TO DO!!!” Twilight rolled over onto her belly and buried her face in her pillow. She began to cry some more.
Everyone in the room stared at her, feeling awkward about being in a room with a bunch of other ponies, watching a crying mare.
Trixie, however, was processing everything she had just heard Twilight say, and as she began to understand, she slowly became angry, angry at the purple mare crying her eyes out on the bed in front of her. She no longer felt sorry for Twilight. Eventually, Trixie couldn’t hold her anger in anymore, and she walked up to the edge of the bed. “Sparkle?” she said through gritted teeth.
Twilight pulled her head out of her damp pillow and looked up at the azure unicorn.
Trixie raised her forehoof up above her head, and then brought it down and smacked Twilight as hard as she could on the side of the purple unicorn's face.
Everyone in the room gasped in shock at what Trixie had just done. Twilight looked up at Trixie in shock as she pressed one of her hooves against her bruising cheek.
Trixie glared down at Twilight furiously. “You really piss me off, Sparkle! You know that?” Trixie shouted angrily, so much so that she forgot to speak in the third person. “You’ve had everything given to you on a silver platter your entire life, while I’ve had to struggle for everything I have! You were born with unnatural magical power, born into a well-connected, well-off family, and then just given the opportunity to study magic under Celestia herself after she saw how powerful you were! You have so much talent, and knowledge, and power, and connections! You could do anything you wanted to do, but all you ever cared about was just making Celestia happy, doing whatever you thought would please her! And now that she’s gone, you don’t know what to do with yourself. YOU’RE PATHETIC!”
Twilight just continued to stare up at Trixie in shock, frozen at the azure mare’s words.
“What in tarnation do ya’ll think you’re doing?” Applejack yelled at Trixie.
Trixie looked back at the orange farm pony. “I’m talking some sense into her thick head!” the azure mare retorted. “She clearly needs it!” She looked back at Twilight. “All you’re life, you’ve always just been completely happy letting Celestia decide your entire life for you, haven’t you? Whatever Celestia wanted for you, you just went along with it, just because you wanted to please her! YOU MAKE ME SICK! I, on the other hoof, know exactly what I want to do with my life! I have plans! I have dreams! I have ambitions, and I’m going to achieve them no matter what, and I will not settle for anything less! I don’t care what anypony else tries to tell me what I should do with my life. I don’t care about just pleasing somepony else! I do with my life what I want to do with my life! No pony decides my life except me!”
Unknown to any of them, someone was listening in on their conversation just outside the room.
“You want to know what you should do, Sparkle?” Trixie continued shouting. “Okay! Here’s what you should do! You should look deep down inside yourself and figure out whatever it is YOU want to do with your life, AND THEN YOU SHOULD GET UP OFF OF YOUR SORRY ASS, AND GO OUT AND DO IT!”
“Um… excuse me…”
Everyone looked back behind them, and saw a yellow unicorn stallion standing in the doorway of the bedroom. It was Comet Tail.
He spoke again. “Um… sorry if I’m interrupting anything, but I wanted to borrow a library book. The front door was opened, so I just came in, and I heard shouting back here. Is everything okay?”
“Trixie was just leaving!” Trixie said. She turned to Surprise, who was staring at her with a gaping mouth. “Come on! Lets go!”
Trixie walked out of the room. Surprise hesitated and looked back at Twilight. “Sorry about Trixie. She has a really short temper. I hope you feel better.” And then she turned and followed Trixie out.
“Ah, don’t listen to that Trixie, sugarcube,” Applejack said to Twilight as soon as Trixie and Surprise had left. “She doesn’t know what she’s talking about!”
Twilight, however, was deep in thought. What if Trixie was right?
“Well, I agree with Trixie on one thing,” said Comet Tail, causing everyone to stare at him. “Sorry, I couldn’t help but over hear the conversation. You could do SO much, Twilight! You’ve saved Equestria a bunch of times! You’re great at magic, you’re great at science, you’re super organized, even if you can go a tad overboard sometimes.”
“Understatement of the century,” muttered Spike, causing everyone to give him a glare.
“Anyway,” Comet continued, “what I’m saying is, you’re an incredible pony! You could do anything you wanted with your life! Heck, before you came along, hardly any pony even knew this town HAD a library!”
“Really?” said Twilight, shocked.
“Yeah. Everypony just thought it was a funny looking tree in the middle of town,” Comet said with a shrug.
Twilight looked at her friends. “Is that true?”
Her friends all looked embarrassed. “Guilty,” said Rainbow Dash, and the others all nodded sheepishly in agreement.
Twilight looked up at him and gave him a small smile. “Thanks. By the way… who are you?”
“I’m Comet Tail,” he said, a little disappointed she didn’t know who he was, but happy to see she was smiling again, having known she had been feeling bad these past few days. He really liked her smile. It was one of the main things that attracted him to her. Secretly, part of the reason he had come to the library today was to see how Twilight was doing.
“Nice to meet you, Comet Tail,” Twilight responded.
Comet blushed. “We’ve actually met before,” said Comet, awkwardly scratching the back of his head with his hoof. “A couple of times.”
“Oh! We have?” Twilight asked in surprise.
“Yeah, although I suppose I never properly introduced myself,” he said sheepishly.
………………
Trixie walked out of the library, still in a bad mood from her talk with Twilight. Blueblood had just arrived outside, levitating a pair of cups of iced lemonade next to him.
“Trixie, I bought us some lemonade,” he said when he saw them coming out of the library. He must have then noticed the disgruntled look on her face because he added, in a concerned voice, “What’s going on?”
Without a word, Trixie simply walked past him, grabbing one of the cups with her magic, and began drinking it through the straw.
“You’re welcome,” said Blueblood in annoyance with a role of his eyes. “Is everything all right?”
Trixie stopped and looked back at him, and sighed. “Yeah, everything’s fine,” she said. “Come on. Lets go home.”
Blueblood looked at her in confusion. “But we just got here!”
“Yes, but Trixie is done here. Besides, Trixie knows you don’t want to be here, so why are you complaining?” She walked up to Blueblood and kissed him on the cheek. “Come on. When we get home you can practice drawing Trixie like one of your French mares,” she said mischievously, flashing him a smile before she turned and started walking away.
Blueblood continued to stare at Trixie for a few more seconds, but then, finally, he shrugged and started walking away from the library with her and Surprise, making their way back towards the train station.
...................
Epilogue
Trixie continued to train and practice and study with her magic, and, after many years, she eventually became a truly powerful unicorn, eventually mastering even teleportation to the point where she could do it with ease.
Prince Blueblood, after years of practice, eventually did become a talented and successful artist. His favorite subject was his beloved Trixie.
Lightning Dust eventually achieved her dream of becoming a Wonderbolt, as did her friends Gilda, Dumbbell, Hoops, and Score.
About eleven months after their space adventure (which is the average gestation period for horses), Upper Crust gave birth to a baby filly. As soon as she and Jet Set looked upon their newborn daughter, all their initial fears of parenthood just seemed to melt away.
Twilight, after taking Trixie’s advice, decided to do something with her life. In fact, she did a lot of things. She became a teacher in magic at a unicorn’s magic school, and eventually the headmaster. She also became a top ranking officer in the magic division of Equestria’s military. And she also became the head of the Equestrian department of magical science and development. And she eventually also became one of Queen Cadence’s chief advisers in the field of magic.
Comet Tail worked up the courage to finally ask Twilight out on a date. Long story short, it went well.
Flim and Flam eventually became successful cider salesponies.
And Iron Will is still doing what he’s always done.
And so they all moved on with their lives, taking with them the lessons they had learned on their adventure, that everyone, no matter who or what they are, has the power and the right to choose their own paths in life, and no matter what others might say, every individual has the potential to accomplish whatever their heart desires. All one needs to do is make the choice, and put forth the effort, to do so. There is no predetermined destiny for any of us. Life is all about making choices, so we should try to make the best ones we can.
The End
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So, I liked Equestrian Knights. It wasn’t perfect, mind you; there were a number of spelling errors, I think the number of characters in the story should’ve been cut down, and it probably went on a little longer than necessary. But on the whole, it was a pretty good story with a lot of good humor that earned a place in my Favorites. I mention this because I realize I never left a comment saying I liked the story on its story page, so I figured I might as well do that here. So I was interested in a sequel, though unfortunately it fell into the trap of me putting it on “Read It Later” and then forgetting about it. But I rediscovered it very recently, and luckily this had recently finished by that point. So I just read through the whole thing.
Unfortunately, I thought this one was a significant step down (I also thought To Boldly Flee was a big step down from Suburban Knights; not sure if that’s a coincidence or not). I kind of wish I had been reading along while it was published, because there’s a whole lot of comments I had about it along the way.
Now, I didn’t watch all of To Boldly Flee. I saw I think the first two videos and was kind of bored with it and never finished it. So maybe some things I’m criticizing are from To Boldly Flee, though in that case maybe that’s a sign it should have been adjusted for this story. At any rate, I’m going to try to review this story as its own entity.
I’ll start with what I think is the biggest and most blatant problem with the story: Celestia’s representation. She seems really out of character. And I can’t even really say it works as a parody because it doesn’t seem to be actually parodying anything about her. If I was trying to parody Celestia in a non-AU fic, I’d do something like make fun of her general uselessness in a crisis, not by forcing her into this weird role of wanting to brainwash everyone. It’s not an exaggeration, it’s not a deconstruction, it’s just a blatant changing of character.
But at least this might have worked if it were suitably played for comedy, which unfortunately it isn’t (on the contrary, it’s treated quite seriously). But even more problematic and almost impossible to play for comedy is the forced retcon that Celestia inadvertently created the Changelings when trying to force friendship onto the flutterponies and then brainwashed Luna into becoming Nightmare Moon to cover it up. That’s actually some pretty serious and dark stuff.
And this brings us to a much bigger issue this causes. All this contrasts way too much with the whacky crazy comedy that’s in the rest of the story. It is possible to combine comedy with seriousness, but that’s generally with more typical comedy, not the kind of off the wall comedy this story frequently indulges in, which makes the far more serious parts feel completely out of place. Too many times when I read what could have been a funny joke, it fell flat because of the serious nature of other parts of the story. And then the whole thing gets a kind of bittersweet ending with Celestia and Luna getting killed at the end, again in way too much contrast to the craziness of the comedy. This sort of dark content doesn’t work in a story where you have crazy comedy like Sunset becoming convinced she’s Winry from FMA or the computer somehow requiring you know French to make it work or where the main McGuffin is actually called a "plot hole."
Equestrian Knights worked because it was a zany comedy the whole way through. Yes, it took a more serious turn towards the end, but even then I don’t remember it ever getting so serious it worked against itself. Nor did it basically rewrite a character’s personality just to make them the villain. This story, on the other hand, really hurt itself with the dissonance.
I really didn’t get what the purpose of changing Celestia’s character so dramatically was. Was it to make there be an antagonist? You could’ve used another villain; heck, if there weren't any good ones left, you could bring back Sombra and/or Chrysalis from the previous story. Okay, fine, they died in the previous story, but they could’ve been revived somehow. They could’ve easily taken the role of the antagonists (instead of forced friendship they could’ve just been trying to use the power of the plot hole to take over the world) with little trouble. So why write a character in such an OOC fashion and unbalance the story’s tone just to make Celestia the antagonist?
Apparently the reason for this is, according to the author’s note in the final chapter:
The phrasing is a little unclear here; I’m not sure if you’re saying you wanted Celestia revealed for the corrupt ruler she is because you think she’s a corrupt ruler in the show or if you just don’t like her character and thus wanted to see her revealed as a corrupt ruler.
If it’s the former, the story doesn’t really do that. It just makes her act different than she did in the show and throws in a bunch of completely invented backstory to make her unlikable. That’s not a demonstration of her being corrupt in the show; that’s just changing her character. If it’s the latter, then it’s still not good because it’s just turning a character into someone else just because you don’t like them.
And that decision REALLY harmed the story. Even ignoring the fact that I find the representation problematic in and of itself, it also caused the problematic tonal shifts I made reference to, having an adverse effect on the story in total. I really can’t stress enough just how much I felt this hurt the story.
Even if you absolutely needed to have Celestia be the antagonist, there’s much better ways to go about it than the story did. You could’ve made her be obsessed with friendship and getting along to humorously absurd levels and play it all for laughs rather than drama. Think the Buddy Bears in Garfield & Friends. That would be a lot more funny and fit in with the rest of the story rather than the all-too-serious characterization and plot she was used for.
I still think it would have been best for the story if you used a different antagonist entirely, but even if you had to have it be Celestia, it could’ve been done much better.
There were some other suggestions/commenrts I had. This is where I wish I had read along and could’ve made note of them in multiple comments rather than lumping them all together, but…
Rarity getting Blueblood put under house arrest didn’t really make much sense. It could have worked if this simply took place after The Best Night Ever, but this being a sequel to Equestrian Knights (in which Blueblood saves Rarity) makes her actions implausible. The only reason it seems to be there is because that was in To Boldly Flee, but while it made some sense there, it doesn’t make sense here because it’s so forced. And then that plot point doesn’t really even amount to much of anything, making me even more confused as to its inclusion.
The gag with everyone pointing out plot holes late in the story worked at first, but it just went on for too long. This also had the problem of meaning you had to come up with more alleged plot holes, and some of them seemed to be pretty big stretches to me and could’ve easily been answered. If the weaker ones were cut, it would’ve been improved and also been more funny due to not belaboring the point.
I mentioned how in Equestrian Knights, a problem was the overly large cast. That’s also a problem here. I think it really should have been cut down. I don’t really know why Iron Will was around; he worked fine as a gag when he didn’t want to come, and that bit with the play was funny. But then he gets brought along later and… I don’t really remember him doing much of anything. So why bring him when you gave an explanation for him not coming? I also can’t think offhand of anything Flim or Flam really contributed. Jet Set and Upper Crust at least did have a story of sorts (the pregnancy), but honestly that was so irrelevant to anything else in the story I think they could have been left out too. Speaking of problems I had with Equestrian Knights that apply here as well, I feel this story should have been a bit shorter than it was as well. And it probably could've used an editor due to a number of typos, but it wasn't too bad in that area.
There were some other comments I had I had, but this is probably too long as it is so I'll try to wrap things up.
Now, for as much as I’ve criticized, it isn’t all bad; some of the jokes were pretty funny, if unfortunately neutered due to the tonal shifts. But the bottom line is that what I think hurt this story a lot is the problematic contrast between the off the wall humor and the rather dramatic and sometimes rather dark plot. And a huge source for that is Celestia’s characterization. I know that said characterization was apparently the reason you wrote this story, but the basic result in my eyes was that an extremely promising story suffered from forcing it in.
5342746 Thank you for your comment. I really appreciate your input. I always look forward to comments that really analyze and critique my work. They're so much more interesting than just plain 'This is great' or 'Awesome job' comments.
I know I have a lot of spelling errors. I try to go back and correct them all, but I still end up missing quite a bit. Sorry about that. I'd get an editor, but I don't know where to find one.
I do agree with you on some things. I was trying to make the story comical while also trying to convey some serious messages to the readers, but I guess I just don't really know how to balance it well. Guess that's something I'll have to figure out for future stories.
Rarity getting Blueblood under house arrest was intended to be another anomaly created by the plot hole. The plot hole was what caused Rarity to become obsessed with getting vengeance on Blueblood, and was inspired by many fanfics I've read where Rarity is uncharacteristically obsessed with wanting to get vengeance on Blueblood. I tried to drop subtle hints of this fact throughout the story, like in the part where the characters were listing off things that didn't make sense:
But I guess I didn't make it clear enough. My apologies.
As for making Celestia the antagonist, you are correct that my personal dislike for the character is a big part of the reason why I chose to make Celestia the villain in this story. I suppose I might have made her a bit out of character, but my intention was to make it that the way Princess Celestia acts on the show is all just an act she puts on while in public, and secretly she is the monster she is in this story when none of her subjects are looking, much like Father Cornello from Fullmetal Alchemist, one of my inspirations for this story.
But honestly, I really do believe Celestia would cast spells on ponies to make them friendly with each other, and my reason for believing this is because she is perfectly okay with Princess Cadence doing pretty much the exact same thing on the show, only with love instead of friendship. And this was always something that bugged me ever since I watched that episode 'A Canterlot Wedding'. Using magic to effect someone's state of mind without their consent, even if your intentions are good, is just wrong, and anyone who would allow that is also in the wrong.
Also, have we ever seen Celestia be a good sister to Luna on the show? After Luna got back from the moon, Celestia apparently never filled Luna in about modern Equestria, and just let Luna go out in public on Nightmare Night without knowing times have changed. I'm convinced Celestia is a terrible sister, and I think there's a possibility Celestia might not have told the truth about the whole Nightmare Moon thing, seeing as she locked Luna away for a thousand years when clearly the elements could have just simply turned her back to normal instead.
Like I said, I always wanted to write a story where Celestia gets taken down a peg, but perhaps you are right and there could have been better ways of making Celestia the antagonist. However I'm unfamiliar with the Buddy Bears from Garfield & Friends. I never really watched that show. But personally I'm satisfied with my way, and whether Celestia is corrupt, or just lazy and useless, either way I think Equestria will be better off without Celestia sitting on the throne.
I suppose I could have cut down the number of plot holes characters pointed out a bit. It's just, being a bit of a critic myself, things that don't make sense in a story drive me nuts, and I personally believe that the most important thing in any story is the plot making sense while still being entertaining. But I suppose you're right. I could have shortened the list.
Thank you again for your review of my story, and I look forward to hearing from you again in my future fanfics.