A Fate/Zero crossover of sorts.
Equestria is dying, and always has been.
The whole world has been this way for a thousand years, ever since Princess Celestia sacrificed herself to bind the fallen Princess Luna. Year by year the soil turns barren, the oceans turn still, the sun glows colder, and civilization slowly crumbles. The pegasi have not controlled the weather for centuries. Soon, the unicorns will lack the strength to raise the sun each morning. The world will be bare of life in less than two centuries. Even the most powerful magical artifacts cannot halt the decline.
Until now.
An old power has resurfaced, and five ponies race to claim it. A young duke, desperate to save his city and reclaim his family honor. A bounty hunter who speaks to the earth. A scion of magical power. A purposeless prodigy. And a college dropout. They will raise powerful servants and fight for the Grail of Magic.
Dark factions plot on the horizons and strange beings peer in from outside places. One master of magic will claim the Grail. They will save the fading world... or rule its ashes.
Holy crap, that was a trip. This is the kind of story I think I'll need to come back to a few times before I get all the nuances. The different scenes dovetailed nicely, and the language used managed to set the apocalyptic mood without veering into cliche territory (for example, the "He had seen X [seasons]" is used a lot, but here you used it to segue into a world-building paragraph, which I haven't seen before). This is a fic even someone who has no idea what's being crossed over can enjoy
33.media.tumblr.com/ad8cae369e667b4819de651ca245152c/tumblr_mvylsvXyDl1skc54wo4_500.gif
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...that gif is hypnotic
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I hear the coconuts as I read.
I'm not familiar with the crossover, but this looks quite interesting on its own merits.
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That's what I'm aiming for
A strong start. It's obvious conditions are different for our favorite ponies in this timeline, what with Rarity and Blueblood being borderline lovers, Applejack estranged from her family, and Twilight being robotic and soldier-like. But at the same time, they still feel like their old selves: it's like trying a different flavor of the same brand you're used to. The Cherry Coke to the show's Coca-Cola. I like it.
As for the writing, it doesn't quite flow as naturally as some of your other stories. Take this moment for example:
This has Talking Head Syndrome all over it. Simple mistake, but easy to fix:
I hope this shapes up to be an amazing work. So much love has been given to it, and therefore to us the readers, and I want to see the climactic finish of this mad little contest.
5443910
Thanks! Some characters have changed more than others, generally as a result of a vastly different upbringing. 'Duke' Blueblood is everyone's second-favorite prince if he had to handle some actual responsibility in his life. Rather than being a nihilistic hedonist, he's desperate to live up to the heroic goals he sets himself. Sunset Shimmer is a magical prodigy with all of her academic interest, no guidance from Celestia, and a real outlet for her ambitions. Shining Armor is Shining Armor with a 2000% higher crime rate in his city and a drinking problem. The Apple clan turned to earth magic to save their land, and paid certain prices, so Applejack has a fairly wacky family. As for Twilight Sparkle... this is a world without a Rainboom. She turned out strange.
Ehh. No point adding additional tagging to the dialogue, as long as it's clear who's speaking. There might be pacing issues, but they can't be solved through adding ornamentation around the speech marks.
5443910
Grrrgh. Snarl. **bites claw** **fails saving throw, engages**
I'm gonna have to write a blog post about why avoiding "talking head syndrome" itself leads to bad writing, in the same way that people misapplying "Show, Don't Tell" end up with torturously tortuous prose. I read through the original dialogue without wincing, but this:
> Twilight paused, becoming a statue for a few seconds before she finally drew a breath.
… takes 15 words to tell you the exact same thing in three different ways.
A bare "Twilight paused" would probably be unobjectionable, and might be a modest improvement — except that it contradicts the quote. Is an explosive "What!" on the heels of a harsh piece of dialogue really so subtle that you can't picture the immediacy of Twilight's reaction?
Flinching so hard from "the ironclad rules of writing" that you overcorrect and fail in the other direction is a bad habit that takes many writers far too long to break.
5444019
~this is stuff i'd say except i explain stuff like a stoned Justin Long.
A fate crossover
can't wait to see the servents
I'm not familiar with the source material, but I'm sure you'll do it justice, Chuck. Just don't forget your other projects.
On a side note, I love the idea of wishes as the driving force behind a story's conflict. I had an idea for a story once (an FO:E fic, but whatevs), about a team of five ponies who discovered a megaspell capable of granting a single wish, but in order for it to work, two ponies had to agree on the wish. The meat of the story would be the dynamic between them as they attempted to get home with their prize.
Somehow that turned into my Skyrim crossover, which only resembled it in that a wish spell was the central MacGuffin. Huh.
Anyway, keep up the writing. It's great to see you back in my feed so often.
Huh, only five master/servant pairs? Berserker and Rider feel left out...
This AU looks to be...depressing, but it should be an interesting take on Equestria if certain events hadn't happened. There is a special place in my heart for settings where 'hope' is a concept people laugh at.
And Granny Smith's our Zouken expo...not sure if I should be laughing or bracing myself for what is to come.
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Oh ye of little faith...
5446641 OH, now I think I see your game you crafty devil...
5446627
Granny Zouken was actually Chuck's idea, even if he credits me with characterization in this. And it is awesome. (Also, not entirely intentional if I remember right- we just noticed about halfway through the material we've got in backlog that she turned out to basically be the Zouken expy.)
Pity about the change of voice actors for Saber. I wonder if they'll be releasing a version of the visual novel with Saber's voice redone?
Goddamn, the Apple family is the pony Matou equivalent? Holy mother of god, that's horrifying. I really can't swear enough to convey how horrifying that is. Poor Applebloom.
I would imagine Twilight getting Star Swirl if she performs the ritual without a relic to direct the Grail's choice... but she's already a great mage (although looking at Blueblood and Rarity, it looks like the standards for magic are a bit... low). While she would reach amazing levels of power and knowledge if she had the legend there himself to teach her, from a strategic viewpoint it would be better for her to get a more physical Servant to protect her while she focuses on her spells. However, her cold, robotic behavior is worrying. Hopefully she gets a Servant who could wear away at that.
And pardon my ignorance, but what does 'EIS' stand for?
Well, Rider would be a little difficult for ponies, and I can easily understand why the ponies behind the war would want to avoid a class with as many downsides as Berserker. Although somepony screwing around with the Grail to summon a 6th Servant is a big possibility.
Star Swirl is an obvious choice for Caster, but then again so is Clover. Either could have other skills enough to fit into another class (I recall in particular Mr. anything-but-Caster Heracles. Starswirl is pretty much the best non-alicorn magician we know of, so putting him in Caster might be as game-breakingly overpowered as Berserker Heracles (I'd name Gilgamesh, but... frankly, I don't think it matters much what class he would have been. As long as he possess the Gate of Babylon and Ea, he's broke as shit). Then again, between the pegasi weather-working and the demonstration of earth pony magic, unicorns aren't the only ones who would qualify for Caster.
Shooting magic lasers might be enough to count for Archer's ranged combat, which opens up... well, pretty much any unicorn for the position.
Sombra would likely fit as Caster or Assassin... he's sorta-almost dead, and if the world is screwed over by Celestia's death enough he might have died for real.
Princess Platinum... we don't know enough, but she may fit as Saber (if unicorn nobility got the same education Europeans did) or (if going by my favorite fanfic of Equestrian history) Assassin.
Commander Hurricane is most likely Saber, Lancer, or Archer. Pansy... we just don't know enough about to make a statement over, but she was still military. The same goes for all the historic Wonderbolts we got to see. We know the Wonderbolts can cut things with their wings--is that enough to count as Saber?
I'd stick Puddinghead in Assassin, because I really can't think of any the whacko would actually fit in. Smart Cookie... don't know enough.
We have no idea if Scorpan is alive or not, so nothing there... if the Olden Pony or Headless Horse ever actually existed, even if not the way folklore remembers them, they could still be summoned.
The Holy Grail cannot summon full-fledged divinities. I'm not certain if alicorns are gods here, but I think it is close enough that the Holy Grail would not call forth Celestia. She has the benefit of being amazingly old and having the longest and most famed legend--even if she weren't an alicorn, that alone would put her above other Servants (at least, if you follow the same "that which is closest to the Origin is a superior existence" rule of the Nasuverse). But also in Equestria, her own nation, the seat of her power, and where she is most famed? That gives another serious stat boost.
Of course, this is all under the assumption that you're using established figures from known history.
Would I be correct in assuming that the Holy Grail presented here lacks the pony-equivalent to the taint of Angra Mainyu? That would cross out Sombra, in that case.
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"Talking Head Syndrome" is very much a matter of personal opinion. A lot of story-writing advice from authors promotes it, as with properly-written characters you shouldn't need a name attached to every (or every other) snippet of dialogue. There wasn't any confusion here.
Obviously, overuse of this is bad--some descriptors are just needed--but until that point it isn't a flaw in his writing.
5447305
OMG A MASSIVE COMMENT THIS IS AWESOME!
Yup. Even better, our current notes say that Granny Smith is actually one of the nicer matriarchs of the Apple clan.
As for Apple Bloom, AJ and Mac got it worse than she will. Mac got a ton of shit for not having the aptitude for pony magecraft, and Applejack got the worst of it because there was no-one to prepare her except Granny and her now-deceased parents.
No rainboom in this world, so Twilight's absurd magical potential was never really unlocked, with a variety of consequences. She's still a prodigy, however. I won't spoil the strategy for Twilight and Sunset, as that will come up in chapter three.
Also, the EIS is the Equestrian Intelligence Service.
Or Archer. It takes a bit more than just lasers to qualify, but Star Swirl's grasp of firmament manipulation qualifies him.
Normally, the Equestrian Grail could not call forth divinities. However, it could call forth pre-apotheosis Luna/Celestia.
This one had a 'taint' from inception, due to the involvement of non-pony mages and what is considered a 'heroic' figure. Historical assholes abound!
I don't like this "Seer Council". You know who I do like? This Blueblood... Polaris, I'll call him. I also like Sunset and Twilight. This Apple Family outright terrifies me!
What happened to Celestia?
Alright, so five Servants, five official factions. That leaves 2 Servants. The Apple family seems likely to take one... So who gets the other?
Ugh. I mean, Granny still comes off Capital E Evil, but now I really understand why. If this Grail can grant wishes, why hasn't anyone tried to stop this before?
Good gods man, I'm fucking hooked. Moving off the tracking list.
And into my heart.
Comrade! Grab the vodka! Celebration is to have, yes!
Hope? What is that? Haven't seen any around these parts in over fifty years...
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Vodka is for dirty russes. The good ponies of Ponyville love their poteen!
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It disappeared at the same time as belt-onions and little pictures of bumblebees on the one-bit piece.
5447842
It grants limited wishes. Still a more powerful spell than one hundred archmages working in concert could cook up by far, but it has its parameters. If you try to make a wish that goes past these parameters, it dilutes the strength of it in various ways. You need a correct way to channel the wish to get something truly powerful from it.
5450871 Okay, that makes sense.
Well, Sunset certainly has a ruthless side. Would she really have killed Trixie?
Alright, so we have a confirmed Servant. Nightmare Moon(or, I'm more inclined to think, Luna) is Archer. I'm also in flux about AJ's Servant. Before, I assumed she'd summon Berserker. Now I wonder if she might summon Saber instead.
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Oh, Nightmare Moon isn't Archer. They just really don't want anyone else to summon Nightmare Moon...
In both of their minds, Sunset has already killed Trixie. It's the middle of winter, and Trixie now has no job, no food, no income and no home. Life is cruel.
5450991 Sorry for the bother and the confusion. As for Trixie... Ugh. This world really needs fixed. Well, at least Twilght and Sunset are working to fix things, right?
5447305
just FYI, and I'm still trying to decide if it's worth it to essentially publish notes and data entries we can't make part of the fic proper for space/silly reasons under the pretext of an El-Melloi-esque failure of a Canterlot noble's history of magical clans and groups so this may get fleshed out more later someday? My headcanon as Chuck and I drafted the ideas that went into these first few chapters was that the Equestrian Grail is less like the Great Grail of Fuyuki's wars and more like the Moon Cell from Fate/Extra. It has different scopes and limits as to what it's 'able' to summon from the outset, regardless of 'taint'.
Though like the Moon Cell, that also doesn't mean it's completely immune from being monkeyed around with.
In Which Best Pony Threatens to Burn Worst Pony
5452320 I hope you don't mean Trixie.
5452061 It would be a good idea (although I'm biased in that I quite like learning about those facts that just can't be naturally explained in-story), and loyal to the Fate end of the source material. I'm pretty certain that somewhere around half of what we know about the Nasuverse comes from Type Moon's various interviews and side materials.
Well, it appears Polaris is shooting to get Saber, as Sunset and Twilight aim for Archer and Caster. Assuming they actually get the right Class, that leaves Berserker, Lancer, Assassin, and Rider.
I'm torn. While I like Polaris, and want him to succeed in his goals, I don't really want him to win. I mean, he and Applejack mean well, but they're just a bit shortsighted, comparatively speaking. Canterlot won't collapse this winter? The Apple family can produce enough food for the town not to die this generation? I can understand why they think such victories would be worth killing for, and why they would think this is all they could hope for. But Sunset and Twilight are the only ones of the four we've seen so far who can offer a way to make things better for everyone.
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I'm holding out hope that we'll see the My Little Pony half of the crossover kick into high gear as Twilight and the other members of the Mane Six start meeting, and start cross-weaving the "Friendship is Magic" premise into the "World is Screwed" one.
(It's got plenty of potential either way, so I won't be crushed if it hews closer to the source crossover, but there's just something fundamentally awesome about the sincerity of MLP's core premise.)
And Trixie is (probably) Weaver...
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Actually, Applejack has a very similar goal to Twilight and Sunset: both of them want to stop the slow drain of life that's happening to Equestria, they just have two different ways of going about it. Applejack seeks to heal the land so it can sustain everything, and Sunset seeks to sustain the heavens so they can sustain everything.
I'll also note that Twilight is kinda just folllowing orders out of lack of anything better to do...
Guess I was right to wonder if everyone would get the Servant they wanted. Unless, of course, that somehow isn't the one for Archer. Sunset, for all her noble goals, has shown herself a ruthless streak; compared to what she's been shown to be willing to do, lying to Twilight would be chump change, if she thought she had a good reason for it. Also, was not expecting Trixie to show up again. ...Okay, the fact she's tagged should have tipped me off, I'll admit. Can't wait for more!
GENESIS IS CHAPTER FORBIDDEN!
I find it fascinating the Element of Honesty is in league with Changelings... you know, creatures all about deceit and subterfuge.
And Rainbow Dash is here.
Shit just got 20% cooler.
Confirmed, Trixie is Weaver, and damn...this AU you've created is depressing...
Let me guess; have they gone all Pegasopolis on everypony?
Servant Confirmed! Class: Assassin. Name: "Sour Apple"(Possibly Chrysalis?).
Sadly, I lack a means to translate this(old english?), and my Google-Fu is weak. What exactly does this mean?
Sorry RD. As far as my research shows, Assassin has always been an odd Servant.
Alright, we have 5 confirmed Masters(Polaris, Sunset, Applejack, Twilight, and Trixie), and one confirmed Servant("Sour Apple"). I figure Gilda will be one of the Masters; not sure about lucky number 7. Awesome as always, and can't wait for more!
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Aye, she may not be the element bearer this time round, but she's still Applejack and she has... similar compulsions to AJ!Prime. Ones that are linked to her 'magic'. There's a reason she said she couldn't use criminals for a dangerous ritual, not didn't want to.
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Don't worry, the story will have a suitably bittersweet ending I promise :P
5464581
Not quite. It'll get covered more when we look at Fluttershy in detail, but suffice to say there's a reason RD and Flutters live in Ponyville in this timeline.
Word for word, it's 'What, earth mother!' but highly grammatically and syntactically dubious.
5465801 Ah, thank you.
That's actually a lot worse than what I thought.
It appears Applejack and Twilight operate on decidedly different wavelengths. They're both seeking something; I have a hunch that whatever it is for one, it's probably the same for the others.
Ooh Fate/Zero was an excellent choice for crossover! Especially with people not familiar with the franchise. Though I'm intrigued about how summoning is going to work if it's based off Fate/Extra, since I haven't played it.
I still recall with fondness how well you captured the spirit of Burn Notice in your other crossover. I can't wait to see how you handle the clashing themes that MLP, Nasu, and Urobuchi embed into their works. I'm already enjoying what little we have about the characters shaped in a world after Celestia's "passing".
Apple family as a powerful and thriving Matou clan. People are talking about Granny being scary but she appears much more put together than Zouken. A Zouken who had not forgotten why he pursued the Grail. I imagine we'll be hearing about Granny's experience in the previous war eventually.
Twilight from an intelligence agency? I'm worried, Chuck. I'm not sure I can handle Twilight as a Kotomine Kirei expy. Then again, an interpretation of Kirei as someone capable of redemption would be awesome
... I think I have a running theme here of assuming that you're using MLP to show a lighter shade of Fate/Zero. I'd better keep reading instead of making an ass of myself.
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YES! A BIG COMMENT! I love big comments and I cannot lie. If you leave more, i will love you even further.
They're 'thriving' in the land and safety sense, rather than the magical sense. Magic-wise, they're considered insular freaks by the rest of the mage community.
Granny Smith is.. she's a strange one, let's put it that way. It has to do with the source of her (and the rest of the Apple clan's) magic, so I won't spoil it here.
She's a close expy, but not quite an expy expy. She's not quite Kirei the same way that Applejack isn't quite Kiritsugu, and Sunset Shimmer isn't quite Kayneth/Tokiomi, and Trixie isn't quite--okay, Trixie is totally Waver Velvet. I will however say that redemption is possible for Twilight, and is fact one of her principle motivations. Any more than that would be spoilers
Fair warning: I'm doing this crossover because I like the 'tragic' strains of Fate/Zero. My last dark crossover had a lot of grimderp but not much feels. Expect a far heavier level of feels in this story.
Been a while since a fic inspired me to re-watch canon episodes. I think I've figured out why the Grail Ritual was conceived. Funny what crazy conclusions ponies come to without wise guidance
I love how you've preserved the Master/Servant conflicts so far. Applejack and Chrysalis is inspired. Similar skill-sets but different execution. There isn't enough info about Chrysalis' motivations to make a conclusion, so I'll be looking forward to developments. I just hope that AJ isn't... corruptible.
Wait... what did AJ use as a catalyst? Did she pull a Rin and just go for something convenient? I find it hard to believe that she didn't plan something.
I can see the Fate/Zero characters, but they're all jumbled around and its creating something interesting! At first, I was a little miffed at how exact the adaption of the "analyzing the dossiers" parts were, but I've come to realize that they served their purpose: I am thoroughly curious about what drives AJ and why Twi feels so empty and purposeless. I want more, but I can already see how tough this is. 16000 words in and the stage isn't even set.
How much more accessible than Nasu's work are you making this? I want to go on and on about some stuff, but a good chunk of the story relies on the audience's frame of mind, so I'm worried about spoilers.
5483111
Heh. Not intentional on my part, but a nice touch nonetheless.
Oh man, Master/Servant conflicts... I'm not even getting started where that comes from.
RE: Applejack. She's bound more by pragmatism than conscience, and this has to do with her particular brand of magic. Not quite a spoiler, since her ruthlessness is already showcased in the first chapter, and she hints at being otherwise bound during the summoning ritual.
As for motivations, let's just say that they both value family very highly.
It's not going to pop up in this story (though it might in a sidefic full of details that Scarlet and I are considering), and it isn't particularly plot relevant, so I'll just say here: she used a petrified clutch of changeling eggs.
Most of the Masters are heavily built around Fate/Zero counterparts, though mixed-up as you say. The Servants aren't, though.
How do you mean by accessible? Also, I would LOVE it if you went on and on about some stuff. Please go right ahead.
Twilight is Kirei?! Oh boy.
So Sunset and Twilight are wrong about NMM summoning as Assassin, Applejack already has that servant, and considering rage and jealousy are a big part of her character, I expect her to be Berserker so here's the lineup so far:
Saber - Princess Platinum, Polaris
Archer - Celestia (?), Twilight
Lancer -
Assassin - Changelings/Chrysalis, Applejack
Rider -
Berserker - Nightmare Moon, Trixie
Caster - Star Swirl the Bearded (?), Sunset Shimmer
We've heard of a couple more potential groups that could field a Master, but no other characters that we know personally yet...
5492802
You've got four of five classes right, and four of five names right.
I'll also note that Blueblood and Rarity are not trying to summon Princess Platinum, they're trying to summon Prince Platinum III, her grandson.
But otherwise, keen eyes
5493218 And if this Platinum III doesn't turn out to be a mare (a male Saber? HERSEY!) then I'm quitting... just kidding
5492802 The only real issue I have is with Trixie as Berserker's Master. Sunset says
Trixie, on the other hand, stole her Catalyst from Sunset's room.
That's awesome, Twilight!
So they expect to summon a pre-Ascension Celestia as Archer.
Interesting. Does she means he just needs to prove himself worthy, or something else...