How Hard Could it Be?

by Richardson

5.3

5.3

Despite her best efforts and several minutes of frantic wriggling, Luna could protest no further as she was unceremoniously dumped headlong into her sister’s bathtub in a great splash of water. Bath soaps were poured in after her, quickly frothing up into a bubbling tower of foam that buried the diarch of the night from sight. Coughs worked up from her throat as she struggled and fought her way back to the surface and flopped against the side of the tub, drenching a maid or two with the splashes of her flailing hooves. She struggled further to pull free of the tub, only to be pushed back into place as magic-gripped brushes went to work upon her coat.

“Calm down, princess! You lost fair and square!” One tried to protest as Luna dunked her in the water. The marble tiling squeaked beneath hooves as the puddles of water built up, splashes spraying droplets onto the golden yellow towels and against the stone mural Celestia had painstakingly assembled showing her and Luna lovingly embracing.

“Lost? Lost! I never agreed to your mad game!” Luna spluttered as she finally emerged from the sudsy mess, flopping halfway over the enamel-coated copper side of the tub tiredly. Panting with the trembling energy coursing through her veins, she looked up to the gathering of maids—of undercover guardsponies. They all carefully watched her for further signs of resistance or attack for a moment until Luna tiredly nodded for them to begin. She sighed with exhaustion and let her head hang low against the side of the tub between her forehooves as two of the soaked maids timidly approached and began scrubbing her mane. “No-pony told me of this ‘Game of Scrubs’ until the guard who served me well atop the tower. Did you all actually check to see why it stopped?”

“Uh-oh.” One quietly whispered as she realized that they might all be in trouble.

“Yes, I do believe that would be an excellent summary. About as bad as me outright foal-napping her to find out where her sister escaped to, wouldn’t you say, Honeydew?” Stiff Resistance smugly pointed out as he marched in through the doors. He had plenty of time to catch up with the maids, as they had been quite busy keeping Luna from escaping their grasp on the way over. Upon his back sat poor Tiberius, who moaned around his half-spherical belly and who was liberally dusted with a frosting of crumbs.

Stopping beside the head maid, ‘Honeydew,’ he let Tiberius roll from his back to flop atop a stack of soft and fluffy towels. “You did remember that you should have asked me first regarding security arrangements for coordination purposes, right, and honey?” He took off her helmet and gently nibbled at her ear in a show of affection.

“Yes, well, she didn’t mention any changes to the arrangements at her meals!” Honeydew protested as she blushed crimson. She brushed him off and into one of the speckled white walls before prancing a little in embarrassment at the display of affection before the princess. “How were we supposed to know she was uninformed?”

“Ask?” Luna quipped as hooves massaged the base of her ears. That was actually rather enjoyable, or at least tolerable to her poor, aching head. “My, uh—most enlighting and helpful—sister declined to mention your branch’s specifics, or that you were even guards.” Luna’s sarcasm was thick enough that she could probably whittle it into a fulcrum to lever her moon with as she sulked in the care of the ‘maids’. She wondered if it was too late to give the whole realm back and run to her moon. “Her transfer of power was completely unplanned. I found out about it less than a few minutes before you did. I’ve been tripping over every project and item of interest to her since she left three weeks ago since she never felt fit to inform me.”

Stiff Resistance fished within his armored saddlebags, picking out the tiny scroll Tiberius had written. His steps to Luna’s side mercifully blocked the beams of light starting to stream through the eastern stained glass window. “Yes, she did like to keep things relatively close to her chest. Speaking of neglected, here’s your little r—helper.” Resistance caught himself before he insulted the possum and carefully rolled him closer to his mistress. Further moans of discomfort rumbled from Tibbles as he feebly waved his paws in protest. “He ate most of the treats meant for the castle’s guard dogs out of my desk while he was waiting to report to me on Redcoat.”

Luna whined as she saw her pet, placating him with a soft hoof-rub to the head. “Oh, poor Tibbles.” She nudged him again with her nose as his towel rack was rolled a little closer, eliciting a coo of adoration and pity from several of the maids.

“Redcoat? He isn’t planning anything, is he?” Honeydew inquired as she directed a pair of maids to work on the base and span of Luna’s wings from the tubside. “His father was a brute, but he’s—“

“Cunning, tenacious, possibly stark raving mad?” Luna wryly mentioned as she cut her white and pink tormentor off. “Yes, I am aware. I met him just after the incident with Tirek.” Luna’s words degenerated into an incoherent series of mumbled moans as the work in her back started immediately soothing away her stress and pain. “I do need to talk with him again. Later, much later.” The slow slump of her wings repeatedly flicked the maids working on scrubbing and preening them with splashes of water from her primaries.

“Much later?” Honeydew asked with a hint of worry. “We’re hurrying because you have a court appointment in an hour.” The maids looked up from their tasks to Luna, often leaning over one another to look at their princess.

“Push it back. Nothing before noon.” Luna moaned as she let her head hang lower from her exhaustion.

“Princess, uh, you really need to attend—“

“After. Noon. I’m well aware of the importance of my first commoner’s court.” Unf. Why did she ever drink that unholy swill? “I drank something I shouldn’t have while attending to the security and safety of the kingdom. To pay for my stupidity, I have been awake, sick, and miserable all night and morning. ‘Tis why I ran rather than face the wrath of this day.” Luna moaned afterwards softly, continuing to let the maids massage and scrub her down. Little whimpers of tired pain squeaked out moment by moment as she dealt with her lingering pain.

Or they might be from Tiberius, she couldn’t tell with the lightheaded pulsating fugue her head was within.
Honeydew started to protest before Resistance barred her muzzle with his leg as he caught the twitch of Honeydew’s eyes. Knowing that she could be as much a stickler for a schedule as Kibitz--the seneschal--was, he took his arm away slowly, glad that the light protective fabric kept her from nibbling on him. Her fangs were pretty sharp, he didn’t need any more love-bites than necessary. “I know, you were thinking she was screwing with you. She hadn’t been briefed. My fault, I thought you had checked. You had plenty of time at her meals. Spin some story about her having spent all night banishing the knowledge of some nameless unspeakable evil from every-pony’s minds that could have taken over their bodies through a spell upon knowledge, and that she collapsed this morning after single-hoofedly tracking the thing down and kicking it until extra-dead. It’ll make every-pony appreciate her more.”

Honeydew hissed into his ear, rubbing her relatively lightly feathered wings against his helmet to wordlessly condemn him. “She can’t lie!”

“She ISN’T lying. I may be stretching the truth a little, and she can’t say a word on the matter yae or nay due to the nature of the threat. And it screws with Redcoat. Stop worrying so much.” Resistance grinned cheekily, lips squeaking against his teeth as he stretched his smile wide and waggled his eyebrows at Honeydew.

Luna slowly raised her head up again so that she could sprawl over the towel rack her companion was on. No, she wanted nothing to do with their plan. Sighing as a pair of hooves worked at the space between her ears and up to the bottom of her horn with utmost care, her idle hooves slowly scratched at Tiberius’s sides as Honeydew and Stiff Resistance bickered. Poor, stuffed Tiberius, moaning like she was.

Wait, she needed to do something, what was—oh. “Tonight, we need to discuss a little more with you concerning your clandestine service.” She groaned out, pointing at the head maiden.

“Yes, ma’am.”

Luna pulled her accusing hoof back to press at the pain bouncing about the front of her brain. “We—ugh—I have few issues with the idea of your ‘Game of Scrubs.’ Just the timing of them, and a few other things.” The squee of five particularly pleased maids was like an array of icepicks gently knitting the alicorn’s brain into a twisted scarf. She smacked her other fore-hoof against the copper tub to stop the racket before it drove her mad.

“I will lay down terms for the method and madness of the games, however. Later. Much later. Until those terms are worked out and the crisis of succession fully laid to rest, no more.” She sternly finished, glaring through her bangs at the maids before her, who all nodded rapidly at her disappointment. One passed the word out into the hall and the group beyond as a quiet chorus of, “Yes, ma’am,” worked its way through the group.

“Also, I use my own chamber baths, not my sister’s overgrown cooking kettle that she likes.” The dark alicorn complained as she tried to stretch out her legs in the oversized ‘tub’ without avail. The copper and enamel fixture was rather small, even with her relatively diminutive and properly sleek form when compared to her sister’s.
She flinched a little as Stiff Resistance moved away from the stained glass window, letting the sun’s baleful glare trickle through the patchwork of colored glass shards a few hoof-lengths behind him. Granted, the bright purple ray of light shining through Twilight’s glass butt on the window was rather obnoxious, but the subject material itself was still just as quietly offensive in its reminded to her as the day Celestia had put it in. The little pictorial narrative of Twilight kicking her flank dredged up memories best left buried. She didn’t even want to think about the way that the crazed array of light was reflecting off of the polished white marble tiling back into her eyes. Oww. No more light.

Hoof-claps clopped just in front of her eyes, catching her attention back from her inward pain-filled reflections. Augh, that was loud. Wha—Honeydew carefully poked her nose again to get her attention after she had been tuned out. “Princess, we—um, don’t exactly know where they are.” She reluctantly admitted.

“My tower room. It has a nice tub of blue-streaked black marble. One that isn’t made for cooking alicorns, like my sister’s taste in ‘tubs.’ I use the scents of the seaside and the flowers of the night in the meadows after summer storms instead of this—“ Sniff, Sniff, “—lavender and lemon swill my sister is so fond of.” Luna stuck her tongue out, snorting to get the strength of the oil’s scent from her nose after unwisely sniffing at the nearest oil bottle.

“Yes, ma’am. We will do some experimentation for best effect during your court period.” She gestured to her yeoman to write it down for her to review later. “I’ll make sure to sweep your rooms for surveillance of all forms and potential secret passages, magical or not.”

Luna tiredly glanced at her, feeling the burn of her tired muscles and the poking knead of massaging hooves working upwards from her shoulder blades. Given that the maids had finally broken through the spells protecting her room, there was probably no stopping them. She could at least lay down ground rules, she supposed. “Send only your most careful, and consider wisely before touching any object other than my bed. Most items there are fragile inherently, or are priceless antiques from before my long departure, or gifts from my friends and most valuable of all to me.”

“Yes, ma’am. I will make sure they keep the cleaning to a mini—friends?” Honeydew’s lament grew strange as she realized what Luna had mentioned.

The alicorn grumbled at the insensitive moment of shock. “Yes.” She counted off mentally and with hoof-taps against the outer copper hull of the tub as she went through the list in her head. “Twelve of them. Perhaps more if things go well.” Her weak magic grabbed Stiff Resistance and slid him back to where he had been standing as she grew tired of her sister’s orb. “No, you may not clean them as well. They would be most upset by—Maiden Raiders pillaging them from their homes to scrub them into sudsy messes.”

Resistance trembled as he watched Honeydew’s muzzle scrunch down into a squiggled frown. Best not to laugh. “I wouldn’t.” Luna and Honeydew looked at him. “Mind getting pillaged. My honey-bunny can do that any day.” As he giggled, Honeydew poked her yeoman, and Resistance found himself rapidly hogtied up. “Honey?”

As Luna mumbled a groan from the deepest part of her chest at her borrowed guard captain’s antics, she allowed herself to be shifted halfway out of the tub so that her lower back and rump could be scrubbed. “I don’t see what is so surprising. My therapy involves many friends to keep me grounded.”

“Alright, that was insensitive of me.” Honeydew slowly pushed Stiff Resistance over so he laid sideways, then sat on his relatively soft belly beyond his armor’s chest plates. As Luna nuzzled her pet again, she pushed the towel-rack with a hoof to better position it for her liege. “So, you were saying something about Redcoat?” She asked Resistance, tickling his ear with a hoof.

Luna glanced over the side of the towel rack, looking down at Stiff Resistance giggling and trying to intertwine his wrapped up legs with Honeydew’s own. “Is she cleared?”

“Huh—wha--?” Resistance blushed and stammered as Honeydew tweaked his ear to snap him out of his giggling and mesmerized state. “For what?”

“National security matters.” Luna acridly snarked as her magic quietly cut his bonds.

“Oh. Yes. Why wouldn’t she be as the head of the secret detail?” Resistance hastily cleared up for Luna as he wriggled out from under Honeydew’s pink tail and wrapped a wing around her. “Unless she forgot to mention something to me.”

Glance. Glance. Sigh. Here she went again. “Are you two married?”

“YES!”

Well, there was that, she supposed. Luna’s eyebrows wriggled through her emotional shifts as she pondered the implications. She had a sneaking feeling that she knew why her sister had quit the game. “Was Cadenza the last captain of the maids?”

“Yes?” Honeydew confirmed.

Yes, that would explain a great deal indeed. She had seen the studies on Cadenza and her scores for the officer’s academy; she had wondered at the time why they even existed. Her sister must have had her plus-sized rump spanked off by the alicorn of love. Maybe. Most likely. “Joyful.” She tiredly moaned.

“I know!” Honeydew cheered.

Sighing, Luna rubbed the base of her horn in exasperation. “Are your maidens cleared to know what you are allowed to?”

Without a word spoken, the maids set down their instruments and left off in their ministrations. Luna let herself sink back and down into the hot waters of the bath until she rested up to her chin in the drifts of bubbles and lapping water. “So tell me, Captain. What is he up to?”

Blushing a little more at getting caught nuzzling Honeydew’s neck—again—Stiff Resistance sat fully upright and unrolled the tiny scroll from Tiberius’s spying on a dry patch of tiling. “The duke has a rather large number of scouts in the badlands and to the south of our borders. His correspondence is unclear, but indicates that he may be looking for changelings.” He began as the last of the maids shut the door behind herself. Honeydew hummed to herself in puzzlement as he continued. “He is also coordinating with several prominent researchers who are known for experimenting with changeling magics.”

“A traitor?” Luna inquired as she mulled over the information.

Resistance shook his head, unaware that his brow was slowly furrowing and betraying his own confusion. “Not according to these notes. Apparently, these expeditions began the day after the throne was passed to you. From what Tiberius transcribed from private documents, he may be attempting to curry favor by providing useful information and new changeling detection spells.”

“Good Tibbles.” Luna tiredly praised, rubbing her pet with the side of her horn until he squeaked a final time and passed out. “So, he seeks to force a change, possibly through confronting a dire foe of Equestria. He molds my image by putting the credit on the throne, and gains favor for his part in the act.” She concluded, tilting her head back; he didn’t know that her Night Guard was already operating in several changeling population centers and dealing with particularly problematic individuals. “Monitor him, ensure that they do not replace him.” That he might be useful went unsaid.

“And he profits from being the one to provide the tools to be tough on defense?” Resistance inquired as he put the remaining puzzle pieces together, getting a nod from Luna.

“Well, if he wants to change your image, why not preempt him?” Honeydew suggested timidly, fiddling with her forehooves in front of herself.

“Meaning?”

“Well, strike up some project, see a different percentage of commoners to nobles per day compared to your sister. Um, get out more to deal with the people? Maybe a suit and a less, uh, imposing crown?” Honeydew proposed, slowly shifting back from her husband’s side to the service cart, where she had an old sketch from Rarity of Ponyvile that depicted a nice business suit for Princess Celestia. “It would make you seem more modern-minded and professional with the right mane-do?”

“Modern-minded?” Luna rumbled darkly.

Eep. “Well, uh, your sister never really put on clothes, or got into modern events, or kept up with current trends in music and in the public. So, why not dress up for court a little more? Not super fancy, but just a little bit and go out a bit; make yourself known to the ponies more often?” Honeydew proposed quietly, halfway hiding behind her husband who wanted no part of being an equine shield.

Luna lit her horn, wincing as the draw of power reverberated in her pounding head. Honeydew floated up from behind her armored compatriot and drifted over to the alicorn of the night. Wincing, she cringed a little as Luna reached up with a wet hoof; she expected the worst as the alicorn grimaced and scowled. Pet. Pet. Pet.

What?

“Good idea, maid commander. Uh, it is maid commander, ri—Ow! Ow, ow, ow, oooh, my he-“ Flop. Honeydew dropped to the ground as Luna slumped into an unconscious heap of misery. Soft snores slowly sawed their way from the alicorn as she finally got the sleep she had so desired.

Stiff Resistance poked his wife in the ribs as she stood up, then pointed to Luna. “You’re putting her back.”

Comments

[Omega Delta]

[Arcane Howitzer]

"How were we supposed to know she was uniformed?"

The uniform should have been a clue, except she wasn't wearing one.

[SeventhBrony]

Woona best pony

[YsmirDragon]

5644514 I think she was refering to Cadence

[Arcane Howitzer]

5644633
No, she was referring to Luna being uninformed, but the author used the (remarkably similar) word uniformed by accident.

[Richardson]

5644730

Don't know what you're talking about. [/Blatant Lies while fixing it]

[FanOfMostEverything]

Ah, politics. I can see why Celestia was desperate to escape them. Still, Luna distinguishing herself from her sister in as many ways as she can is a good idea. That's her biggest issue right now; ponies expect her to be Celestia. She needs to state that she isn't through every available channel.

Looking forward to more. Especially whatever's brewing in the Badlands.

[Just Some Toast]

wouldn’t you say, Honeydew?”

Honeydew?"

Honeydew? As in Honeydew

[Hobbestc]

Lots of Luna in these last chapters. I love it.

[Richardson]

5645112

Nah, the carnivorous plant that sticks its victims to it and slowly digests them alive in the open air.

[OmniFox]

Glad that Tiberius is getting notice.

[Twilight_Shimmer]

Loved the update, keep it up!

[Glazius]

So, Princess Cadance was some kind of badass ninja maid who shipped half the palace with the other half?

Yeah, that fits.

[Anyne]

5644583 Canon Luna had no problems with it, Fanon Luna does

[swyrl]

5645112 as in Honeydew, the melon.

[Nealend86]

5645521 I thought that was the sundew, Honeydew is a very delicious melon.

[Richardson]

5655884

Well, yes. She is also sweet and delicious according to Stiff Resistance. I will leave it up to your imagination as to how he discovered her taste.

[TheGreatEater]

That was cute. It's nice to finally get some Luna chapters.

[Magical Trevor]

5647297 I'm thinking it's more of a 'just' the captains that she worried/cared about, so that there wouldn't be potential leakage of important information vital to Equestria, etc.

[Ebony Gryphon]

5668383
Honeydew to Stiff one night:

"Pretend this is Zebrecia... and I'm a free buffet."

The next morning scuttlebutt amongst the staff was that Stiff Resistance was part giraffe