• Published 27th Apr 2014
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How Hard Could it Be? - Richardson



The Cutie Mark Crusaders need a Tutor, Celestia Needs a Vacation, and Luna needs some Respect. How Hard Could it Be?

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6.3

6.3

Scootaloo had accepted death. Sort of. It was just a kind of thing that some-pony did when the little test sled that was supposed to have been bolted down instead took off between their hooves to carry them a mile up into the skies and over the acres. It would have been nice to fly again, even if not under her own power. Instead, she was falling, except kinda with style after she cut herself free from the test seat. Of course, then instead of having the small problem of being strapped into a runaway cart powered by two pega-drives (air coils? Hay, she didn’t know what they were going to call their little air sucker-thingies which were scaled down versions of their apple cannons), she was falling through the air without anything at all to catch her, and not enough moisture in the dry altitudes to form a cloud to save herself. Crashing through a thin part of the tree canopy over a valley, she futilely held her hooves in front of her face as she shut her eyes and anticipated the ground coming up at her to squish her flat.

Funny. The ground smelled like apples and sounded like Princess Celestia and/or ‘Sunbeam’ laughing.

“I thought you wanted to fly, not fall.”

Blink. Blink. Scootaloo opened her eyes to find herself atop a pile of apples stacked high in front of Sunbeam, who laid up against the biggest apple tree she had ever seen in an odd way. The little pegasus looked around at the secluded grove, taking in the sights. What was she even doing here? Was she dead, was it some crazy apple-space where the secretly sentient farm put ponies in danger, was she abducted by alien ponies from another dimension brainwashing her to lead a super-secret assault to overthrow the princesses? Was-GAH!

Having heard every last bit of Scootaloo’s not-so-internal monologue, Sunbeam had deployed the patented Twilight Tussle Technique she had developed to break paranoid-circle speculation. She rubbed Scootaloo’s mane with a hoof until she was too busy fighting off a mad tickler intent on reducing her to a giggling pile of friendship to speculate in paranoia. Little squawks and chirps of protest were all that Scootaloo could manage as she was mercilessly tickled and booped with relentless fury until she fell backwards off of the piled apples to land on her back in the soft moss-covered ground. “Gah! Stoppit!”

A good, hard belly laugh escaped Sunbeam as she enjoyed the slight misfortune. “But you’re too cute not to love and tickle to happiness!”

“I’m not cute!” Scootaloo protested when she had rolled over back to her hooves, stomping one against the ground adorably. “I’m cool!” She preened, holding her head high in the air in the way Rainbow Dash had taught her.

“If you say so.” Sunbeam conceded, propping her chin up with her fore-hooves again. “Cutie Mark Crusader.” She taunted, instantly transforming Scootaloo’s proud grin into a pout with her emphasis on ‘cutie.’ It was a pity Scootaloo had shifted out of range so she couldn’t tussle that little purple mane again. Still, the pout made her coo with enjoyment as she patted the ground beside her. “Awww, c’mere.”

“Cutie just refers to the mark! A Crusader is who I am, and I shall not rest until I am the best!” Scootaloo came back, pointing her hoof to the skies above as she countered Sunbeam’s point. She had the strangest urge to quote some strange neighponese speech about piercing the heavens with her hoof, but that was just silly and stupid. She pierced the heavens with her pega-coils, not her hoof. Or would when they figured out how to control them. Hey, wait a second- “Miss Sunbeam?!? What are you doing here? Are you spying on us? I’m onto you!”

Well that was just baffling. What did she do to deserve suspicion? Sure, she was kind of stuck in a tree, but there was no reason to be rude! Looking left and right, she couldn’t really see anything else suspicious around her. “Uh, what are you talking about? I’m just… hanging around after I got hired.” She explained, tugging on her hooves though she didn’t think Scootaloo was paying attention. “Stick around. I could use some relief from my tree-mendous stress with some-pony to talk to.”

The puns flew over Scootaloo’s head majestically. Like a chicken launched from a cannon, they soared. Sort of. It took a minute of staring at Sunbeam like she had lost her head before Scootaloo finally got the puns and frowned grumpily. “Really? That was horrible.”

“I just can’t help the fruit of my humor sometimes.” Sunbeam shrugged as best she could as Scootaloo booed her. “Please don’t leaf because I can’t help myself. I’m just rooted in my ways.” An apple bonked off of her head lightly as Scootaloo couldn’t take the pun-ishment anymore, making Sunbeam pout a little as she wondered if her sense of humor was miscalibrated. “No, really, I’m stuck. I was getting trained in applebucking for the job when something strange happened.”

Scootaloo shook her head in exasperation and started walking back to the clubhouse rather than putting up with some-pony talking gibberish. She’d have to talk with the girls (and Berry) about it when she got there. “Whatever. I don’t know why you’re spying on us, but-“

“Spying? This is the second time you’ve said that. I don’t think it means what you think it does.” Sunbeam scratched just behind her ears, wondering why Scootaloo was so insistent on ‘spying.’ She looked on as Scootaloo tracked towards the edge of the clearing beneath Old Fuji. “Wait, seriously! I’m working with the Apples because I need to! I’m just trying to lose weight and work off my middle!”

The little pegasus stopped at the edge of the clearing and looked back to see what Sunbeam was talking about, cocking an eyebrow cockily. “Working off your middle? What in the heck is that supposed to mean?”

Sloshing her belly was getting a lot of mileage for helping Sunbeam to explain her weight problem to ponies for some reason. It made them suddenly grow a little fearful each time. What was up with that, it wasn’t like she was going to eat them, only cakes and birthday cake-flavored pancakes had to worry about that. “You know, the slosh, the cake-batter bowl, the cider barrel, my extra-bouncy ball!” Scootaloo rightfully looked at her like she was insane. “I’m fat and working hard to be un-fat!”

Frowning more, Scootaloo rolled her eyes. “Un-fat? What the heck is that supposed to mean? Of course you’re fat!” She insensitively pointed out, stomping her hooves into the spongey mossy ground. “What in the heck does fat and un-fat have to do with working on a farm where your students do stuff?”

“Farm work is a lot of hard work?”

“You’re not the farmer type.” Scootaloo dismissed, starting to wonder why in the heck Sunbeam was trying to pose as a farmer.

An eyebrow furrowed in counter-query. “And how would you know my type?” Sunbeam inquired, finding the light banter refreshing compared to the wacky hijinks she had been getting subjected to and conspiracy theories about her weight.

“Well you’re-“Scootaloo stopped quietly, eyes narrowing as she glared at Sunbeam and shook her head slowly. Oh, no. She wouldn’t convince her to give up the spying secret that easily!

“I’m what?” Sunbeam snorted indignantly, starting to count off all the different possibilities on her hooves like Pinkie counting off variations of chimmy-cherries—Cherry-chongas?—or cupcakes. Mmm-no! No sweets! No delicious, fattening goodness, sweetly serenading her tummy! “Am I fat? Lazy? A book-ey pegasus? Soft and cushiony like a pillow and too tender to work with my hooves like a Canterlot noble?”

Passing a hurt look over to Scootaloo, Sunbeam pretended to pout lightly. “Aww, I’m hurt. I have a boo-boo. My poor hoovies got eaten.” And last, and most eloquently, the dreaded full-tongue raspberry. Truly, a most elegant response of a more civilized age to show Scootaloo how to properly accuse. Settling back down flat on the ground, she shimmied her tummy and barrel against the moss to form a form-fitting hollow for her to lay in, then rubbed the sides of her head with her hooves. “Seriously, though, I’m just working here for the sake of work, no matter how hard it gets.” Beat. “Once I get out of this tree.”

Stymied by the frank self-assessment, Scootaloo flumped her rump down against the ground and sat silently. Well, silent for all of ten seconds before her mouth ran off again. “You’re not spying on us?”

With the downwards bob of her head, Sunbeam’s mane drifted down in front of an eye in an oddly familiar way, fluttering in the wind whispering about them. “Again with the spying claims. Why would I need to spy on you, when I already teach you? If I wanted to spy on you, I’d just ask Twilight to get Captain Bubbles to do it.” Odd, the way Scootaloo just bleated like a goat; what would she have to worry about with Captain Bubbles? It wasn’t like he would be out to steal her lollipops, he hated raw sugar even if he liked sweet stuff. “Are you okay?”

“Yep!” Scootaloo desperately replied as she hopped up like Pinkie on caffeine. “Totally fine, no problems at all!” Ponies would describe her hooves as being on fire if it wasn’t for the extra-damp ground. Smooth, Scootaloo, all the smooth.

Right, she couldn’t leave after that dismally horrible lying, or she’d be spotted out in a second. Sunbeam used to hold Dash’s and Applejack’s elements, right? She needed to distract her, she—ah-hah! Being an annoyingly obnoxious friend who was all over her would make her too busy trying to keep her from being awesomely cool, and she’d be too busy going ‘whoa’ all stiff-like like that one crazy movie about ponies being in a simulation! It was the perfect plan! Eh, save for her friends worrying about her zipping off into space; or going ‘splat’ on the ground; or punching a hole in reality to the plaid dimension of ultimate chaos; but it wasn’t like she was Rainbow Dash Awesome, no-pony had a perfect plan. “So you’re on the farm, working and getting dirty, just for getting thin?”

“I suppose I can’t get to be ‘Rainbow Danger Dash’ awesome, like you-“Oh crap, she could read thoughts, “-but like I said, I need to stop resembling a trampoline to Cloudsdale around my mid-, No! DON’T!” Sunbeam yelped in futility as Scootaloo took the cue, her hooves flailing in the air like the wind-swept branches of the orchard as she held them up to try and ward off the galloping foal before her jump up and down onto her. Gasping, Sunbeam’s yelp bounced from her lungs much like Scootaloo bounced from the soft dome of her belly: weakly, and with an anticlimactic finish that was just embarrassing. Squeaking, she wheezed a little more out. “Figure of speech.”

Scootaloo twitched, just a little.

After a brief rub of her poor, abused stomach—which had only wanted its daily cake that morning, or at least those nice cake pancakes—Sunbeam turned her attention to the foal who had delivered unto her four spots of sore pain and belly-ache. “Well, what did you think was going to happen? I was using exaggeration for comedic effect.” She spent her gaze upon Scootaloo’s twitching form, considering every last scuff of dirt within the coat, analyzing the exact ouchiness caused by the face-plant into the ground that Scootaloo was still bent in, considering just what madness had led her to bounce upon her like that. Right, enough of that. She poked Scootaloo in her exposed stomach for punctuation. “Like that. You could use with a bit more work yourself, since it seems that your stunts don’t do quite as much as you think to keep you fit.”

Assorted moans assembled themselves somewhere in the depths of Scootaloo’s chest as the wobbles of the poke transited her body. “So pain.” Her hind-hooves finally finished dangling in the air as the jiggles and joggles and jangling of tiny hooves unbalanced her at last and tipped her over to flip onto her back. Tiny whines escaped as Sunbeam not-at-all tenderly poked her soft belly. “You’re really just getting thin?” She wheezed quietly.

“Eeyup.”

“And you just happened to be exactly where I fell, just in time to catch me and save my life? Which totally wasn’t necessary, I would have been fine, by the way.” Scootaloo’s scoffs blustered and bluffed, trying not to reveal that she still trembled a little at the thought she might have gone splat. Nope, didn’t need to think of that. And no-pony was so awesome as to just so happen to be right where some-pony else was falling out of the skies, even Rainbow Dash wasn’t so awesome to be in the exact spot—she had to zip super-awesome-fast to them like Supermare.

“Well, I might not be ‘Super-Awesome-Fast, it seems I’m still more awesome than Rainbow Dash. I’ve been stuck here, remember?” Sunbeam confessed, pointing back to her entombed hooves with a bit of cringing embarrassment as Scootaloo’s head-tilt encapsulated the sheer strangeness of the sight. “Better question, are you okay? You’ve been asking around in circles, and I’m worried your landing might have bumped your head hard either after the bounce or your fall.” Grasping hooves nabbed at Scootaloo, missing as the foal teeter-tottered back to mesmerizedly stare at the strange sight. “Yes, I tried applebucking and the tree ate my hooves. Would you please come back so I can check you for head injuries?”

No such luck; for like a cat with yarn, so too did Scootaloo find the strange sight too interesting to sit still, hopping over and under Sunbeam’s legs and thwarting her efforts with adorable hyper-activeness and poking hooves. “Whoa! You really are stuck! I mean, that’s so weird! We used to crash into trees all the time and get covered in tree sap, but we never crashed into trees!” She marveled, poking at the legs with a hoof.

Snerk. Giggle.

Huh, that was funny. Scootaloo glanced side-long towards Sunbeam’s head; a vicious smile of a manticore-like predatory victory slowly curling there as she realized what had just happened. Little orange hoof poked the inside of a much larger orange thigh, jerking up it in tiny whorls of motion. The formerly tiny squiggles of amusement burst into a few squeaking giggles of ticklish laughter as Sunbeam fought her other true weakness. Alas, Scootaloo’s evil laugh was too squeaky to qualify for the Pan-Equestrian Mad Monster Contest, but it was more than enough to send chills into Sunbeam’s wings just before the assault began. “So, she does have a weakness!”

“Don’t you- EEEEEEEheHEHEHEHEHEEEEEE! Little-EEEhhHEHEHEEEE-evil! He-he! Help! Help! I’m being tickled to-augh!”

That strange tableau was what Scootaloo’s friends stumbled onto after a minute as they followed the strange sound of ringing peals of laughter echoing across the orchards. Sweetie Belle’s horn cut out as they creaked to a halt in their borrowed wagon and scooter; the light of her magic fading from the wheels of the haphazard contraptions as she put them to sleep and looked over Berry and Applebloom’s shoulders. “Um, I have no idea what’s going on anymore.” The other two nodded slowly, both saying nothing. Nope, not a single clue.

Scootaloo yelped falling down and under Sunbeam just as the giggled-senseless mare flopped downwards from her upwards arch in laughter to collapse on the foal. Tiny little kicking hooves stuck out from the big weight laying atop her, and Scootaloo’s muffled cries for help tickled against Sunbeam’s belly-button until her friends rushed over to slide her out from under Sunbeam. The great yank overbalanced them, and they all fell over into a great pile of apples, scattering the juicy fruit in every which direction and crushing enough to leave Applebloom a pulpy mess. Popping out of the pile of applesauce and groaning ponies, Scootaloo crowed with victory, grinning madly. “HAH! I knew she wasn’t perfect!”

“The hay ya talking ‘bout, Scoots? Did ya hit yet head on the way back down or something?” Applebloom grumbled as she sat up behind her wayward friend and tried in vain to shake the apple chunks off of her coat. Wait, she was forgetting something. She smacked Scootaloo on the back of the head, frowning in concern as she shouted at her. “And that was fer worrying us! Don’t ya do that to us again, flying off like that!” She shouted, before hugging Scootaloo and smearing her with her fresh applesauce. “Okay? Don’t do that again. Ah thought we lost ya.”

“Pft, do that? Nah, totally was the sled trying to run away with me. Which we’re gonna need a new one, because who knows-hurk!” Scootaloo’s blame-shifting was squeezed silent by a renewed hug from her earthy friend that was slowly turning her blue.

“Uh, so what’chya doing here, Miss Sunbeam?” Sweetie Belle asked the hundred ton dancing pony of a question in the clearing. Who was technically neither a hundred tons, nor doing much of any dancing with the back-ache her awkward position was imparting on her.

“Oh, just hanging around.” She sighed, resting her head on her chin once more in resignation. “Got hired on to lose weight; got Granny Smith to teach me how to applebuck; got eaten by the tree, though it doesn’t seem to want seconds.” Sunbeam awkwardly scooted around so she could tap her stuck legs, letting her new companions see the endless well of her failure. A bit more boggling took place as they tried to figure out what they were looking at. “No, I’m not here to spy on you, like Scootaloo kept asking of me. Just losing weight, ask Berry.”

“Hey, I want no part of this madness! Shoo! Shoo madness!” Berry made impotent shooing gestures in Sunbeam’s general direction. No mercy would come when it was time for the adorably mad revolution if he wished no part in it.

“Say, where’d all these here apples come from? Ole’ Fuji ain’t born fruit in years!”

“Look up.”

“What? Whoa.” Applebloom stopped talking as she looked up. The endless cornucopias of apple varieties were the stuff her sister’s strange dreams were made of that one time Luna had shown them to her, ladening down the branches with a harvest the likes of which she had never seen in the orchards. She had never seen Ole’ Fuji blooming, let alone any tree ever with so much fruit. “The-that ain’t possible! She don’t bear like that! She don’t bloom like that, no tree does!”

“Aww, I don’t know about that. There’s one great big apple bloom right in front of me, ready to be a big bounty of joy.” Sunbeam complimented right before slipping on a partially crushed apple to crack her chin against the ground. “But getting me out would be nicer.”

Berry pointed back to the cart. “We’ve got a Scootaloo, some rope, and a wheeled vehicle. A little bit of engineering ought to get you free. At worse, we’ll have to do a bit of chipping and cutting to-“ He never got a chance to finish as a little yellow hoof yanked him down by the earth; an action followed swiftly and mercilessly by Applebloom hopping onto his head as she yelled.

“Ain’t no-pony cutting on Ole’ Fuji! It’s super-bad luck if ya do!” She wobbled about, holding on like a seal atop a rolling iceberg as Berry tried to climb to his hooves, clutching his ears as she planted her hooves in his back. “No-pony, ya hear!?”

Scootaloo’s fore-hooves ground into her face as she wondered if all of Equestria was as insane, or if it was just her luck. “Then how exactly are we supposed to get her out of the tree?”

“Ah don’t know how, but-“

BONK! BONK! The bickering foals heads sounded awfully hollow as Sweetie Belle bounced apples off of them whilst lighting her horn. “GIRLS! I could just sing to it.”

Now just about every-pony’s hooves slapped against their faces, save for poor smushed Berry. “Right, right. Ah forgot.”

Sea greenish hooves nabbed Applebloom and tickled her off of Berry’s head as he tired of his yellow hat; the sea-pony plopped her on the moist moss in front of him and leaned his weight onto her through his forelegs and elbows. “Both ideas, then? Sweetie sings, Scootaloo scoots? Applebloom tries to make sure Sunbeam doesn’t turn into a sun noodle?”

Sunbeam gulped a little as she remembered the old punishment of the racks and how her situation resembled it. The group sprang into action before she could protest, grabbing up her forelegs and tying a loop of the rope around them and up around her barrel, then over to Scootaloo’s scooter. The daredevil foal had her helmet on in a swish of motion, quickly signaling to Sweetie Belle to get ready as her wings buzzed up to speed. Sweetie burst into her wordless song as loudly as she could, closing her eyes to focus on the intent of her spell as the wood around Sunbeam’s hooves glowed green with her energies. Cracking with motion, the line yanked tight as Scootaloo took off straight ahead, pulling Sunbeam up off the ground as it played out and pulled taut.

Letting out a strangled yelp from the pain of the yank, Sunbeam started wriggling her hind-hooves, hoping to get free before something dislocated—or worse. Pain built up as the line jerked from Scootaloo bouncing on the end again; a yell of pain and a need to just teleport out already danced in her head as she was stretched out to the point she couldn’t move anymore. She could feel her wings flapping and stretching outwards in reflex to get her away from the pain; she could hear the yelps from Berry and Applebloom as they were buffeted from her sides; could hear Sweetie Belle singing out louder, saying something she couldn’t make out over the pops of her joins as some kind of slime started coldly coating her legs.

And then she was suddenly flying like a kite.

The pop of her hooves slipping free from Old Fuji echoed through the orchard like the thunder of artillery, rolling through the tree tops. Her wings snapped steady, catching the airflow, cupping it, yanking it around her and pulling her up into a glide from the speed of Scootaloo’s passage pulling her along. Sighing in relief as she wriggled her poor hind-hooves, she kicked in the air in celebration and reveled in her returned freedom; good to be able to kick back and-mmm.

She looked down as she followed up on a mental thread and gazed upon Scootaloo buzzing her determined little wings as fast as she could. Well now, she couldn’t have that, could she? A proper knight of the realm deserved a thanks from the fair maiden; and a deliverance of the little knight’s dream, something she could accomplish most easily. With owl-like silence she swooped down at the little Pegasus, nabbing her right off the scooter with yanking hooves and a sharp nip to cut the line before cradling her tight so they could swoop back up into the cloudless skies.

With Scootaloo nestled tight between cradling legs and a warm, soft chest, Sunbeam gleefully kissed the bridge of Scootaloo’s muzzle, whispering into the holes on her helmet conspiratorially. “My, my! Oh, my hero who has saved me from the dastardly tree! I think she deserves a reward for her gallant efforts, like a bit of flying, perhaps?”

“Really?” Scootaloo fan-filly squealed for a second as the thought of being carried away by a princess in disguise struck her. Wait, no, she was supposed to be stoic and not reveal that she knew, or Sunbeam would know that she knew and a bad comedy routine would start. “Uh, I mean, sure! I wanna see how you fly!” She stretched out her own wings, fluttering them as a strange funny feeling fluttered in her chest.

“Hang on! Here we go!” The two spent a great deal of time in the air that day, to the disconcertion of their friends; a veritable airshow that pushed Sunbeam to her limits and even eventually attracted Rainbow Dash to meet the acrobat muscling into her cool pony slot. Eventually, when the apples were all picked up, and all the tricks and techniques were shown, they would settle back down to the ground to rest and talk about what had happened to Old Fuji and what it all meant for Sunbeam’s employment.

But that came later.

Author's Note:

*The Flying Hoof Kung-Tickle style. Very deadly, very painful death as you laugh yourself to death. Only the most fearsome of warriors can use it with a straight face and succeed, chief amongst them Princess Celestia. Many Twilights were tickled mad to wring that information from her...

*Your Sunbeam does not double as a Happy Fun Ball. Despite that, do not Bounce Upon the Happy Fun Sunbeam, do not Taunt the Happy Fun Sunbeam, do not Cover the Happy Fun Sunbeam in Treesap, do not Turn your Happy Fun Sunbeam Plaid, especially Do Not Poke your Happy Fun Sunbeam in the Middle. The Happy Fun Sunbeam wants to be your Friend, and might maybe want to adopt you.

*All ageless beings of ultimate might must have a weakness. For Twilight, a good book can snap her out of the angriest rant, a passionate kiss can bliss out Cadance, and wubs sooth the soul of the night. But Celestia? If you don't have a good cake, two hooves and a chance to tickle her lower belly works wonders. A veritable stoic pillar of strength, so long as you ignore the giggles and the wriggles.

*Later, ponies would describe the sight of Scootaloo and Sunbeam flying together like 'essence of Pinkie Pie'. Pinkie herself randomly developed diabetus and fell over from a sugar overdose after looking in the general direction of the farm for several seconds.