"If you would not be forgotten as soon as you are dead, either write something worth reading or do things worth writing." -Benjamin Franklin
Rainbow Dash's stomach hurts and she is not happy about it. She refuses to go to the doctor because she knows that her friends must have a remedy.
She goes to Twilight first. Nothing. She then goes to Applejack. Still nothing. She goes to Pinkie. More nothing. She goes to Rarity. She wished she hadn't.
She then goes to Fluttershy and realizes what her problem is and knows how to fix it.
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Couple of spelling and grammar issues, and also really suffers from the "too much, too soon" problem. The individual scenes need to be expanded a bit, and a bit more seeding of Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy's relationship would've helped. It's fun, though, and enjoyable enough as a way to pass a few minutes.
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4267494 I read too fast. This took me a bit less than a minute.
This is way too short, way too fast and way too telley.
There were moments when you get the wrong tense, and I don't know if english is your first language or not, but you don't say "Rainbow Dash was awoken since very early", that is past tense being thrusted into present tense. If you'd read your stuff you would catch these.
This is way to short for the plot you are going for, you need to slow things down and get the emotion of the situation. How would our ponies really react to this situation, how might Rainbow really react if she found herself in love? She's got to go through the "It's a friend, and, I'm not a fillyfooler" before thinking "I want to get into bed with her" It's only logical.
Other than that it was okay, but if you get a firm grasp around grammar than it will become great.
4267695
I did read some bits more than once because I was thrown by the mixed-up tenses.
Thanks to all of you that commented. English is not my first language, so I am doing this as a way to learn. I will try to check the things you mentioned and try to improve in the next story I write
As for a first fic it is rather good.
The only thing i have to complain about is phasing and length, i recommend getting a proofreader or an editor they will help you get better.
~Tobben
Things were happening pretty quickly in this story. And did you seriously have the rest of Rainbow's friends spy on her. That is not a very "friendly" thing to do. It is not respectful. And too many of these romance stories have kissing as the first way of saying "I love you", instead of saying it. I highly doubt that someone would just instantly be okay with that. That would make me feel extremely uncomfortable and less interested in a relationship.
This story wasn't bad, and it was certainly cute, but it was RUSHED!
It had the pacing of a children's book, where everything happens quickly to keep the attention of a child's limited attention span. If every interaction with each of the ponies could have been dragged out at least a few more paragraphs, and if the interaction with Fluttershy could have been dragged out a bit too, it would have been quite good.
Overall, an awesome first attempt!
Good story, but it was a bit rushed. Nothing wrong with it besides that.
Is it bad that after reading this i am just feeling like I'm hugging a ball of fluff