Blue Spirit is just a common everyday unicorn teenage pony, he doesn't have alot of friends, all he has is his best friend, Soul Chaser. To make thing worse, Soul doesn't even talk to him anymore! Everybody that he cares for leaves him.. What will he do?
One night he goes out on a stroll one night to find his Best Friend Soul walking towards the park... Why is she out this late?...........
This is going to be a POV of Spirit
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First Vampony Fimfiction and people might hate but I promise that I will try to make this a really good story and I will try to update constantly since I Hate stories that are not completed or that their on hiatus or never updated but promised for an Update...... I WILL Finish this story
Suggestions and Comments are welcomed! Good or bad!
I could not help but notice a few flaws with your text. Not to be rude, but you should look over the text a few times before publishing it. Apart from that, great story and keep writing. It seems like you have a good plot.
Okay. It's time for a ShadowFall review. No, not the "Everything Wrong with Series", because this story doesn't deserve such. But, this fiction could really use pointers about what is done wrong and how to make it better.
First off, the story gives a bad impression from the Pony Creator cover art plastered onto it, and the description that might as well have told more than half the dang story. I mean, when someone reads that this "average colt" gets a bad life so suddenly, and is announced in the description, it's really just a slap in the face to readers, considering that's the first thing they usually look at for a story, and many people actually judge a fiction for their cover art. But it isn't to say that good stories never have bad or just average cover art, many do. However, it's practically a sin to create a story image with the "Pony Generator". It's lazy, it's unoriginal, and it sets a bad look for your OC, as readers first see him as just some drawing on a paper.
Would you like to know what I like? I like to visualize the OC as I read the story, instead of finding my mind repeatedly go back to that Pony Generator creation.
It's just bad.
But really, though the description and the cover art do make what attracts readers, I will still read this story, because that's where I believe is the content. A video game can have bad graphics, but still be incredibly fun to play. I still play some for the much older games, such as Majora's Mask, because it's so fun for me, thought the graphic would make many people throw up.
So, let's see what this story has to offer.
REVIEW, BEGIN!
Okay. Right out of the bat, this story makes a terrible first impression. The dream is cut so short, hardly given description, it's overly cliche'd, and basically tries to make the audience sympathize with the character. Well, it fails to do so, since this whole "bad dream" thing was done so short and poorly.
What?! A nightmare like always?! What? I really can't believe that a character just said that. A much better choice would just be: Did you have another nightmare? If you really just acted out that sentence, as if she was talking to another living soul, it just makes her seem borderline to a jerk.
Okay, I noticed something. The punctuation in this story is very lacking. Sentences have missing periods, commas are forgotten in some locations, and it's a small error that is easy to fix.
Last time I checked, this story did not have a "Sex" tag on it. A character would practically never say this out loud. Have him think this instead of him moaning out loud. Do you know how awkward that would sound if your foster mom heard that coming from the bathroom?
Silly grammar, only larger punctuation like exclamation marks or question marks go at both ends of a sentence in Spanish.
Comma's missing, failed capitalization...
He suddenly comes to the conclusion she might be a vampony? That is a REALLY big assumption for anyone to make, and it seems you're trying to go for a character that finds logic in most things, no?
In all, this is just another dark OC fiction that has romantic elements in it, that offers very little innovation to story telling. Much work can be done with this, and this could be much better.
My final verdict is...
3.5/10
For:
-Painfully generic OC protagonist.
-Bad dream first impression.
-Numerous grammar mistakes from capitalization to punctuation.
-Bad dialogue
-Failure to incorporate proper "thought dialouge"
-Bad coverart and description
If the grammar mistakes were fixed and the cover art/description tuned, this would bump this up to a:
5.5/10
Much work can be done, and a much better story can be made.
And as always, good reading.
-ShadowFall
I like it I could be a great book with work right now 8/10
The plot is okay but the flow of your writting is a bit strange. You repeated yourself a lot and made miskates like 'the mare was watching him through the window with hunger eyes.' you either ment hungy or with hunger in her eyes. You could use a prereader or a beta of some sort. Over than that, good job. :)
You don't know the half of it, buddy.
4267236 Mostly all the stories I've read are incomplete... it's really annoying.....
4264132 Thanks for letting me know! I redesigned the story and took off the nightmare. I did major editing. Thanks for the comment!
4264045 Don't worry, I've fixed the grammar issues and the flaws. I also redesigned the story to make the beginning understandable. Thanks for the feedback!
4267236 I know you from somewhere...
4269725 Hey Fanged Rainbow, I just finished reading your story. I liked it! It may be a bit short but after reading the comments I decided to just focus on the story and not the length. Keep the story updated please!
4270077 that comment belongs on my story not yours!
4270513 Sorry I'll post a comment on your story!
This is getting good
I really enjoy this story, but you need to work on your grammar and spelling.
For example "Sou"... should be "Sou-" because it was interupted.
So what kind of pony is Soul Chaser? You never explicitly described this, so I'd like to know. Is she an earth pony, pegasus or unicorn?
4290528 Thanks for letting me know!
4292688 Soul Chaser is a Earth Pony Mare
4293464 Ah, thank you
Wow. This was better than expected. Keep up the good work!
4303117 Thanks!
Hey mike......u mad?
4360064 No, why you ask?
4377187 it....it was a joke......goddamnit mike.
btw like the story so far. 
4377712 Oh, I get it. Thanks by the way, i've been busy with school that I haven't been able to work on the story, I hope to get Chapter 3 by this weekend.
4397869 Take your time I'm in no rush. Its worth the wait anyway.
And if you need any help with it feel free to pm me, I have to much time on my hooves these days....side note, time is sticky.
4399367 I would love some help on the story, just, how do I PM you?
4402856 ...I frankly have no idea either...
4404109 *sigh* go to the user's page LOOK at their info box [contains name, bio, and ect.] find the green button that has a letter/package thing, CLICK it.
4423016 Thanks for letting me know but I found it right after I posted my comment.
Sorry everyone, am trying to get chapter three out but finals are coming up and its taking most of my time. I will try to get chapter three by at least the end of May.
when will the next update be?
4423016 I...
..I knew that....totally 
PFFT like common knowledge bro... *looks left and right then whispers* Thanks 
so...... im gussing vamponies in this fic hunt assassins creed style and free run infamus second sun (neon) style?
Can we have the third chapter now?
SLOW DOWN. Your rushing the story, and I think you need to think out and plan story before typing it up. I have a binder I keep with all my manuscripts in it, you should try something like that.
Other than that, I'm liking the story a lot. Keep up the good work :-)
Hows that end of May deadline coming along?
4945190
I just logged in to say the same thing XD
more please.
Will this story be updated?
5410179 Dunno, that's a good question!
5413358 is that sarcasm I since.
5414004 No, its not. I am updating the story as we speak. I say that the 3rd chapter is going to have more .... Detail
is this story dead?
Wow I'm actually surprised to see this updated
Awesome! another update.
Honestly, though, I thought t was another story that had updated...
Thumbs Ups!
6240086 Me to...
6240903 Eh?