Chapter 1 - I Hate Mondays
BEEP BEEP BEEP BEEP
"Ugh" I said as I smacked the side of my bed trying to find the alarm. Once I found it, I smacked the alarm so much that it broke but, it turned off.
"Wake Up!" my mother said as she came barging in.
"Five more minutes" I groaned.
"Your going to be late for school you know that?" She said while looking at my broken alarm clock. "That's the second one this MONTH!" She flared "Now get up this instant!" Then she trotted out of my room, slamming the door.
"Ughhhh, I hate Mondays", I uncovered myself from my thin bed sheets and I head towards the bathroom to wash up. I turn on the water. I let the water run down my hoof until the water become warm. I stepped into the shower and let the warmness of the water run through my fur and muscles. "Ah, the water feels so good," I groaned to myself then realized how loud I said that. The steaming hot water relaxed my whole body and made me cheer up. After I finished my hot shower, I dried myself. As I walked down the stairs, I adjusted my blue bands. I came to a kitchen smelling pancakes. Dame, Mom makes good smelling pancakes.
"You got about ten minutes to eat your breakfast or your going to be late, AGAIN!" yelled my mom." I made pancakes". She was cleaning dishes from the breakfast that she made.
I sat down at the table and started eating my pancakes. After decimating about ten pancakes, I opened my door to see Manehattan up and about. I closed the door and walked towards school. After about a fifteen minute trot, I got there and passed the gates.
I looked around the campus and saw the other students including Soul Chaser by her self in the shadows. Soul Chaser is my best friend. I've known her since we were fillies. She is one of the most prettiest earth pony mares in school that I know of. I still questioned why she hanged out with me...
" Why is she hanging in the shadows?" I thought to myself. "She loves sunshine and is into sports and all that gibberish".
I walk towards her. As am walking I noticed that her peach fur is very pale, like she never seen the sun pale, more pale than her normal peach color, like if the color was drained from her. I was concerned.
"Hey Soul Chaser". She didn't reply, didn't even look at me. "Are you ok?" I asked. "Your very pale, are you sick?". Same reaction, no reply. " Um, are you mad at me?". I was now started to really get worried.
"No" She said coldly.
"Oh that's good" I said in relief. "May I ask what is wrong with you?"
She doesn't move, but then she smiles, like out of a stupid question.
"Nothing is wrong with me" she said with delight.
Soul Chaser has never acted this way , since I've known her. Maybe she finally is changing or just doesn't want me to hang out with her since am basically a loner. She's my only friend. .
"In fact .... I feel FANTASTIC!" She said as she slowly raised her head to look at me.
What happened next threw my entire Monday off. She looked directly into my green eyes and my whole body froze, like a trance and as I stared into her bright pink eyes I saw them flash crimson red for a moment. Fear spread through out my body. What made it worse was when she smiled, long-razer sharp fangs were protruding out of her mouth. Was I imaging things?
"Ok then, see you after school." I said enthusiastic as I broke eye contact and quickly walked to my class.
After about seven hours of school work, the school bell rang and I took off towards my home. I opened the door and quickly went up the stairs to my room to do my homework but I feel asleep in the process of doing it. When I woke up I saw that it was dark outside. My mind recalled what happened today.
"What in the world was up with Soul Chaser today? First, she had fangs, why would she have her vampony costume on if Nightmare Night is two weeks away, it's a bit early to start dressing up. Maybe that wasn't a costume, but then that would defy me as insane as am very delusional as of the moment."
What Blue Spirit didn't noticed as he was thinking to himself was that a mare was watching him through the window with hungry demonic crimson eyes.....
"I really need to buy a new alarm clock" I thought to myself looking at the wreckage that was a alarm clock. "Still, what happened today and what I saw didn't seem fake to me, I wonder if I have pictures of vamponies in my library" I said getting up. I went to my book collection to see if I have anything that can help me find out what is wrong with Soul Chaser. I started looking for the books but I realize that I don't have any. "I got to get more books!" I said.
"Hmmmm, I wonder if the library has any books on this topic, I'll go tomorrow" but then I heard something bang my window. I turn my head to see the same eyes from today. Then it was gone. I ran to my window and opened it to find darkness and the night sky.
"What in the world" I said..... I need to see a therapist. I think am insane now. I closed the window and went to my bed. The second I got into my bed I fell asleep not knowing what the next days are going to bring.
I could not help but notice a few flaws with your text. Not to be rude, but you should look over the text a few times before publishing it. Apart from that, great story and keep writing. It seems like you have a good plot.
Okay. It's time for a ShadowFall review. No, not the "Everything Wrong with Series", because this story doesn't deserve such. But, this fiction could really use pointers about what is done wrong and how to make it better.
First off, the story gives a bad impression from the Pony Creator cover art plastered onto it, and the description that might as well have told more than half the dang story. I mean, when someone reads that this "average colt" gets a bad life so suddenly, and is announced in the description, it's really just a slap in the face to readers, considering that's the first thing they usually look at for a story, and many people actually judge a fiction for their cover art. But it isn't to say that good stories never have bad or just average cover art, many do. However, it's practically a sin to create a story image with the "Pony Generator". It's lazy, it's unoriginal, and it sets a bad look for your OC, as readers first see him as just some drawing on a paper.
Would you like to know what I like? I like to visualize the OC as I read the story, instead of finding my mind repeatedly go back to that Pony Generator creation.
It's just bad.
But really, though the description and the cover art do make what attracts readers, I will still read this story, because that's where I believe is the content. A video game can have bad graphics, but still be incredibly fun to play. I still play some for the much older games, such as Majora's Mask, because it's so fun for me, thought the graphic would make many people throw up.
So, let's see what this story has to offer.
REVIEW, BEGIN!
Okay. Right out of the bat, this story makes a terrible first impression. The dream is cut so short, hardly given description, it's overly cliche'd, and basically tries to make the audience sympathize with the character. Well, it fails to do so, since this whole "bad dream" thing was done so short and poorly.
What?! A nightmare like always?! What? I really can't believe that a character just said that. A much better choice would just be: Did you have another nightmare? If you really just acted out that sentence, as if she was talking to another living soul, it just makes her seem borderline to a jerk.
Okay, I noticed something. The punctuation in this story is very lacking. Sentences have missing periods, commas are forgotten in some locations, and it's a small error that is easy to fix.
Last time I checked, this story did not have a "Sex" tag on it. A character would practically never say this out loud. Have him think this instead of him moaning out loud. Do you know how awkward that would sound if your foster mom heard that coming from the bathroom?
Silly grammar, only larger punctuation like exclamation marks or question marks go at both ends of a sentence in Spanish.
Comma's missing, failed capitalization...
He suddenly comes to the conclusion she might be a vampony? That is a REALLY big assumption for anyone to make, and it seems you're trying to go for a character that finds logic in most things, no?
In all, this is just another dark OC fiction that has romantic elements in it, that offers very little innovation to story telling. Much work can be done with this, and this could be much better.
My final verdict is...
3.5/10
For:
-Painfully generic OC protagonist.
-Bad dream first impression.
-Numerous grammar mistakes from capitalization to punctuation.
-Bad dialogue
-Failure to incorporate proper "thought dialouge"
-Bad coverart and description
If the grammar mistakes were fixed and the cover art/description tuned, this would bump this up to a:
5.5/10
Much work can be done, and a much better story can be made.
And as always, good reading.
-ShadowFall
I like it I could be a great book with work right now 8/10
The plot is okay but the flow of your writting is a bit strange. You repeated yourself a lot and made miskates like 'the mare was watching him through the window with hunger eyes.' you either ment hungy or with hunger in her eyes. You could use a prereader or a beta of some sort. Over than that, good job. :)
You don't know the half of it, buddy.
4267236 Mostly all the stories I've read are incomplete... it's really annoying.....
4264132 Thanks for letting me know! I redesigned the story and took off the nightmare. I did major editing. Thanks for the comment!
4264045 Don't worry, I've fixed the grammar issues and the flaws. I also redesigned the story to make the beginning understandable. Thanks for the feedback!
4267236 I know you from somewhere...
4269725 Hey Fanged Rainbow, I just finished reading your story. I liked it! It may be a bit short but after reading the comments I decided to just focus on the story and not the length. Keep the story updated please!
4270077 that comment belongs on my story not yours!
4270513 Sorry I'll post a comment on your story!