Velocity is a normal buck in middle school, protective of his friends and looking for young mares. What he didn`t expect was to be bitten and turn into a bat pony. Also, be betrayed by his friends...
Velocity is a normal buck in middle school, protective of his friends and looking for young mares What he didn`t expect was to be bitten and turn into a bat pony. Also, be betrayed by his friends...
All comments containing negative language will be deleted. Others who have nothing nice to say will be blocked. We`re all bronies, and that means Love and Tolerance, Right?
Chapters (3)
You have caught ma' curiosity. I am liking this so far, now i'm gonna go join you in the corner and cry.
Cool, there`s some fruit punch in a bowl and some cookies...
Alright! Since Deep is going to be out for a couple of days, he told me to write the next chapter! He gave me the rough draft and it will be posted tomorrow!
Also, next chapter of Destiny: Equestria coming out soon!
And maybe, a sequel to Hmm...Oh...Just...Uh...Being Me...
Anthony`s in the house!
Alright, I`m about to leave for my trip and I see THREE dislikes. Really guys, do you feel you should dislike, just because it`s not as good as Fallout: Equestria or Past Sins.
Anyway, I`ll be gone for a couple of days, because I`m going to the fabulous LAS PEGASUS!
Alright, you guys! There`s the next chapter! It seems a bit much, but hay, they`ve been friends since kindergarten, so yeah.
Next chapter tomorrow! What will happen to Velocity with the mysterious pony who bit him stalking him? What will happen to Velocity`s friendship with The Cutie Mark Crusaders? Find out tomorrow!
Also, do you have a Xbox One? And have Titan Fall or Battlefield 4? Well, game with the writers! Message VirtueOrVice to play!
Square root of 4? If it's not 2 than what is it?
2x2=4
2^2=2x2
Square root of 4=2
4217968 Ah, that`s the point. I trolled you...
I don`t have many friends...
Alright, just gotta account to comment! This story is awesome! It reminds me of the Golden Armor! Will you let me edit with you?!
4223826 I`m pretty sure Deep wouldn`t mind. Sure!
Welcome aboard!
Deep`s gonna kill me...
4223840 Yay!
Alrighty, this is my review, so take everything with a moment of thought and a grain of salt. I tend to be quite blatant.
I have a one thing that is in my thoughts now that I have read this chapter: What the heck just happened? Your OC was at school, he got invited to a sleepover with his friends the CMC but he dreads it for some reason, he is a typical angsty uncaring kid and this aspect is use excessively, his day passes with really weird timing, and then he suddenly hates the idea of the sleepover without a given reason. I'll start with your character, and then work down the list.
Your OC, Velocity, is waaay overplayed. I understood that he could not possibly give one further buck about his school within the first sentence, but you continued to hammer home an already delivered point for the rest of the chapter. By the end of the chapter, he no longer felt like a believable, impatient teenager, and instead reminded me more of an angsty, rude, callous, spoiled twat who needs a good smack on the head. You probably were just trying to add good character development, but instead you over-accentuated his impatience and unconcern so much that it made me as a reader dislike him. I realize that this is could be taken as an opinion, but it really does get in the way of the rest of your story. Unless the reader is supposed to dislike a character, having them over-accentuated is rarely a good thing.
Okay, now onto the use of the sleepover. This could be a good mechanic, especially if you tried to play with some tension concerning a guy at an all girl sleepover, but instead it comes up dry and flat. You introduce the sleepover quite suddenly, though this could be excused due to the fact that most things in between classes at a school are on a tight schedule, but don't give the reader any time after the concept is introduced to understand the importance of the sleepover. It seems to be important from the way that Velocity reacts to it, but (aside from Velocity's frustratingly vague thoughts) the reader has no information about why the heck this sleepover is so important. The text says that it was stupid to accept the sleepover, but it never says why, or even links any emotional reaction about it to Velocity. This gets even worse when the sleepover is mentioned again, with your character emotionlessly pondering why Scoots sounded seductive when the audience was never given any evidence of this. To the reader, all Scootaloo said was "Hey, you ready for the sleepover?", but apparently there was something seductive happening there.
This is a problem because it leaves any emotion out of your story. When someone reads a story, they don't read it to hear some guy you made up spewing random information at the audience. Readers want to be immersed in the story, to feel what the character feels and to be invested in the character's thoughts and actions. What you have made is an emotionless and un-immersive piece, and there is only this simple reason why. Many people will phrase this as "Show, don't tell". Your problem is that you tell the reader everything, but never take the time to show why everything you are presenting is important, and why the reader should care.
Lastly, I found your pacing to be confusing. This is a more minor detail, but could be used to make your story better all the same. Your character is in class, and then suddenly class is over. Then he is in the hallway, and it only feels as if a few seconds of story have passed when the bell for being late to the next class rings. After that, it feels as if only a few minutes have passed when a full hour of class goes by. This wouldn't really be fixed by adding more detail, but by instead changing the detail that you already have to convey a longer period of time. This aspect could also benefit from "showing" and not "telling".
All and all, it seems like an interesting idea, but not one that I would be interested enough in to read further. This is mostly because I don't typically enjoy romances, and that is where this story seems to be going. I also find it quite off-putting that your next chapter has the weird and out of place label of "Mature" next to it. I'll have to check again, but I don't think that you are supposed to put a mature chapter on a teen story, especially due to the big gap between the content of both and that fact that both have specific, individual tags. Oh well, if it didn't bug the moderators then I don't really have much ground to complain. Good luck on your writing anyways.
Cheers.
looking good please continue
You had ma curiosity...but now you have ma attention.
(Eh...eh jango reference anyone.)
Go on
4224997 Alright, since I`m back from my trip, I`ll respond to your review.
(Note) Constructive critism is always welcomed.
Yes, the pacing is a bit fast and Velocity`s personality DOES change. The sleepover was important, changing his characterization a bit. I will revise the story today, along with a new chapter...
Cheers, to you as well.
Season 1 is over! It`s a week thing, next week Season 2 will be out and it will be longer!
Anyway, new story coming out soon!
New chapter of Destiny: Equestria!
And maybe, if you guys want, a sequel to "Hmm...Oh...Just...Uh...Being Me.
Thank all of you for the support and thank you Followers!
the end leaves too much exposed for us to ask about?was that the plan?to confuse us? if so, congrats. it worked.