Twilight is disturbed by an odd visitor. Where's Pinkie? What in Equestria is happening to Ponyville? Why can't Twilight seem to do anything without injuring herself?
I've no idea what I'm doing.
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Jan, 2012
- offline last seen May 3rd, 2012
Mo-go
A thoroughly boring person wears this name. Love to write and do so frequently, but nothing good enough to post. One of these days...
Mo-go
Joined 7th Jan, 2012 ·
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A little story I plotted out roundabout November, I think, but never got around to turning into a legitimate story. Found out that it's going to be put so brutally out of place by an upcoming episode that I gave up on it for a while. I've now decided to see if I can get it completely written before the episode is aired.
So, this is new for me. I haven't published any of my work in... a longer stretch of time than I'd care to think. It's been a while since I've written any larger, cohesive works, too. And there's the added stress of a rapidly approaching deadline. I've decided to forego the usual amount of time I spend editing and rewriting (Indefinitely), in favor of hopes for some feedback. I really, really need feedback.
I've rewritten this chapter at least thrice, now, and it's never quite jibed with me. Trying to stay dry as I can, but it's a bit darker than I'd meant it to be because of that. Given the sopping narration I'd started with, I'm okay with being a bit dark.
Hope it's not too painful.
The story is good, but it seems a little rushed.
371929
Many thanks for commenting!
I was worried about that. Anything in particular that you feel I should expand upon, or is it just too short a chapter?
Peachy Pie approves.
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/d/d9/PeachyPie.png
Got my attention, and a track.
Chapter is fine, just read over some sentences, they could be improved to make the story flow s little more smoothly
Otherwise keep up the good work!
372733
I take it that's just the fanon name for the filly? I might have to use her, didn't know about her until now. And wook at her widdoe wo-wo bwades!
Thank you!
375562
I don't mean to press you, but if there's anything that stuck out as rough I'd be more than grateful if you would point it out. I'm awful at seeing that sort of flaw in my own stuff, especially when it's still pretty fresh.
Thanks again.
375702
It's actually her canon name, from the Talent Show episode.
375898
... Well, crap. That may cause some confusion.
I'd not remembered that scene. Hopefully no one else does.
What makes this even stranger is that one of the blind bags is named Peachy Pie too, but that's neither here nor there really. I like how the story is shaping up thus far though i'm not exactly sure how dark you plan to make it in the future.
If i have to pick anything to fuss about it's that you have a few too many passive sentences in your story. If at all possible, try to make everything you type that isn't dialogue an active sentence and as concise as possible.
Example:
Attending one of the carts was Applejack, proudly selling the literal fruits of her family's efforts on Sweet Apple Acres. There was rarely a slow sales day for Applejack, and today certainly wasn't one of them.
Applejack tended To her stand proudly selling the literal fruits of her family's labor at Sweet Apple Acres. Slow days were rare for the blonde pony's stall and today proved no different.
In this instance we lose a few unnecessary words, drop those nasty was and wasn't words, we avoid using Applejack twice in such close proximity, and we get to change "today certainly wasn't one of them." to "today proved no different." but we could also elect to use a more exotic word. "today proved no exception."
The more you play with it, the more you'll find it comes easier to you, but the one thing you should do is keep writing and reading. If you want to see what NOT to do, just read my oldest story. So much fail written into so many pages. I think the only reason i keep it up there is a reminder of how bad my writing was and still is at times.
Anyway, I'll be keeping my eye on this one.
Starlitomega/Starlitalpha
I'm so blasted tired right now. I've failed utterly. I thought I had until the twenty-ninth for the new episode to air, and all of this past week made certain that even then, finishing this would be a feat. I had no time for ponies until this morning, and a quick skim of EQD alerted me to the fact that the episode's left this story's entire punchline in tatters. I've not even seen it yet!
I'm torn as to whether I should even attempt to see this the rest of the way through. I've worked long enough on the next chapter that I'm almost pleased with it, and I really did like the concept the story revolved around, but now that a certain character has been revealed to be what it is in Canon... the joke just isn't as special.
Considering that only the blasted intro has been posted makes this seem like a whole lot of drama over a shallow story. Maybe it is. But I can't quite describe the feeling of having everything that's slowly been building itself in my mind over the last half-year being swept out from under me
453422
Thank you so much for your comment. I'm more than grateful for your time; sorry I hadn't read it until now.
Not so strange a thing, in fact: The name of the character and the cutie mark image are from that very blindbag toy.
The story's content was not meant to so much as flirt with anything truly grim; its tone, however, was meant to build itself into something more and more oppressive, and I didn't want people to expect everything to be light and goofy. Perhaps I should've rethought the tags.
Bless you a billion times for bringing that flaw in my style to light. It's exactly the sort of thing my lack of proper, formal education in writing has left me blind to. I'll not be forgetting this. I owe you.
And don't dare be ashamed of your earlier stuff! ApplePie was cute for what it was, even for all its faults. You've exploded past it in the last few months; I encourage you to try seeing that story as the meter of how far you've progressed in so short a time, not as a failure.
492177
Given your earlier comments, i can only assume that this is your only story underway at the moment. If this is true you need to rectify that immediately by starting more stories. No matter your vocation or hobby, sleep is death. Its always a good idea to have another story to fall back on when one story frustrates you.
Worst case scenario, when you get stuck on a story, go back to an earlier point in the story and either put the section in another pony's hooves, or add another pony and make them play off each other. Most of not all of my stories are making two ponies talk to each other and see what they do.
Thank you for your kind words on apple-pie. It was the first story i posted where i saw any inkling of potential in myself. I don't pretend to have all the answers, but if you'd like to, feel free to send any new stuff to me and i'd be happy to pre-read for you. I'll mostly be looking continuity, character flaws and passive sentences though. I'm still struggling with punctuation in regards to quotations myself so you may want to rely on someone else or yourself for that.
Whatever you do, don't give up on writing.
Starlitomega