Station
One o'clock sharp, said the clock you were watching. There is not much else to look at. The destination display still displayed the name of your hometown in glowing letters. It's too misty and cloudy to see the midnight stars glowing. And you are all alone; there seems to be nobody else on the platform, maybe not even in the whole station.
Also, it's cold. Very cold. And it's silent. It really made you nervous. A bit strange, actually. This is not the first time you're waiting for the last night train back to your home. You do it every week, on the same day, on the same platform. Maybe it's for the fact that you really seem to be all alone this time, or maybe it's the thick mist that doesn't let you look very far. One thing is for sure though: The complete silence is most definitely unsettling. Now you really regret the fact that you forgot to charge your cellphone...
One hour and two minutes. Train arrives in twenty-three minutes. You decide to go for a little walk around the train station, hoping it will unnerve you somewhat. Maybe you'll find a vending machine.
Over at the other platform, you finally found a vending machine. You throw in a few coins, press on the button of your favorite drink, and hear it fall down where you could grab it. You look to the right while you were about to pull the drink out of the machine, and see three figures in black sitting on a bench over at the other side of the platform. They seem quite short. You stand up with your drink in your hand. The black cloths seem to be large ropes. There is also something off about the way they're sitting.
Curious as you are, you move in a little closer. A feeling of fear boils up, but you still move closer until you hear what they are whispering about...
"This rope is killing me!" The right one whispers with her boyish young voice. "Can I PLEASE take it off?"
"No, Rachelle." The middle one whispers back with a more female voice.
"And can we PLEASE drop those horrible nicknames now? There are no people around here anyway."
"As long as we are here, we're not save. Even dropping our real names can be dangerous. We're not unknown here, and you know what will happen if we're exposed."
"Yeah yeah, capture and dissection and all that..."
"Right. So we'll have to keep our ropes and our nicknames for now. When we're in the train and it's moving, it's okay to use our real names and talk about our...'country'. Okay?"
"Okay, 'Tara'..."
These voices sound awfully familiar to you, but you can't quite place it, partially because it was so muffled. That you could make out what they were saying was a wonder in itself. You also can't get around the fact that they are sitting so weirdly. Especially the left and right one are sitting really stiff and seem to have problems being upright.
The left one looks a little to the left, exposing a part of it's face. You see that it's head is not formed normally. And there seem to be something off with it's skin color.
They're not human, you think. They just can't be, you went on. But what are they then? And how did they learn to speak perfect English?
You want to get closer. You want to know what they are. But what if they are hostile? They could be. What if they have weapons? They could have those. Are they what you think they are? They might actually be.
Then, they all turned their heads to the right, where one big light came from the mist. All these 'creatures', for the lack of a better name, seem to have the same abnormality. Although the middle one seems to have something resembling a horn on her head. The big light reveals itself to be a steam locomotive that appears to be recently painted black. It drove by a little too fast, causing a gust of wind to blow off the black capes of the 'creatures' sitting there.
Your heart skipped a beat.
You recognize them.
From right to left, you see a blue skinned girl with rainbow colored hair...
...a purple girl with a pink streak in her hair and a horn...
...and a yellow skinned girl covered with pink hair.
And you now know for sure that they weren't human...
They are ponies, My Little Ponies...
Time stopped. Your dream just came true. Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle and Fluttershy, right in front of your eyes. Is this real? Are you hallucinating? How did they get here? Is Equestria real? Did everything in the cartoon really happen? All kinds of thoughts are flying though your head...
...But you have no time to answer them. The sound of the bottle you apparently dropped, made a sound on it's impact...
...Which made the ponies look behind them, straight into your eyes.
Cellphone. Photos. Now.
As you moved your hand to your pocket, you suddenly remember. Empty... And while you were moving your hand, the ponies dropped the ropes and made a run. Your instinct takes over...
Run.
They are quite fast, but that was to be expected from ponies. What you didn't expect is that you can actually hold up with them. Twilight screamed...
"Pinkie, our cover has been blown! Keep the train moving! Rainbow, take me and fly onto the end of the train. Fluttershy, you save yourself!"
You started to wear out. Your breathing heaved. You see a rainbow flying and grabbing Twilight. You're in grabbing distance of Fluttershy. She looks back at you, her fear reflecting your fear. She takes off, and instantly your instinct kicks in again, and makes you grab her legs. She let out a loud squick, while you were blinded by the harsh wind that came from her heavily beating wings...
"GUYS! HELP!" She screech while you are keeping her from taking off.
Mind is racing. Heart is about to explode. You don't know what to do. Let her go? Try to pin her to the ground? Say that you're a big fan? Will they understand? No, they wouldn't. You should let her go. But you don't want to! Why not? You don't know! Let her go you idiot! No...
Tears. You feel tears welling up underneath your eyes. You really want to go to Equestria. You really wanted to escape this world. Who doesn't? You've seen that the ponies are real, the land must be real too. You can't let this chance slip by...
But you just can't go with them. Certainly not this way. You're only hurting Fluttershy by pressing your nails in her so deeply. And she's not strong or courages enough to lift you off anyway. Only thing she wants from you is to let her go...
You lose your grip, and let her go.
Suddenly, you feel something hard stomping into the right side of your stomach. Shortly followed by a feeling that you crashed with your left side on something concrete. You could capture a glimpse of Rainbow Dash picking up Fluttershy and flying towards the train. Pain. Psychical and mental pain. You can't hold it back anymore. Tears started to flow freely. Your mind was all over the place. You replayed the whole ordeal in your head from start to finish. You really saw it happen. It did really happened...
...But nobody will believe you, and that's the worst part...
...Or is it?
As you clear away the last tears in your eyes, you look up at the clock hanging above the platform. One twenty-five... You look over to the other platform, and indeed, there was your train, driving away...
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Constructive criticism: The way you word things needs a little work. Placement of certain words can change the whole mood of a scene and even make what you say come across differently. Also, look out for grammar mistakes.
However, second person stories are incredibly difficult to do well, so kudos to you on a job well done.
371157
Thanks X3. Could you give some examples of the grammar mistakes I made?
371170 said the clock you were watching at.
Said the clock you were watching would have been adequate, the "at" makes the sentence awkward. (my opinion on the awkward part)
371170 Oh and the tense is a little confusing, I can't tell if it's progressively happening or it already happened...
but that's about all that needs work. It's an interesting story.
371181
Those small things...
Thanks. I'm aware that I make this kind of grammar mistakes quite often.
371170 One final thing before I stop being nitpicky
last error that stuck out to me while i read
You instinct took over, as you started running too.
should be "your"
371199 it's okay, grammar is only one part of a story, the concept of the story is really what matters. Second person stories are also difficult to write (I've tried)
This is incredibly true.
After something like this, I would be devastated.
Really.
371207
It's cool. I'm not bitter about it or anything. ;3
And I think this is about the only 'good' second person fic I have in me.
I like the concept, but there are some problems with word placement and spelling which hinders your story.
For example, "One o'clock sharp, said the clock you were watching at." The word 'at' at the end of the sentence is unnecessary.
One spelling error that I caught was, "Psychical en mental pain." where 'en' should be 'and.'
There were other things besides this, so you should read it over again and edit a little. Otherwise I liked the story. Hope I helped.
371249
Ahh crap! The Dutch side of my brain took over again D:
And the first mistake was already fixed ;3
Yeah, you helped. Thanks.
371192
Aaaaaaaaaand tried to fix the tense.
I keep making mistakes with this. This is always the first commentary I got when I turned in things at school X3
371381 Tense is possibly the most annoying part of writing, I've had my ups and downs with it. Hope you are able to fix it!
Aww... Not quite a touching enough ending...
This seems to have trolled me. Nopony loved anypony in this...
That might just be an opinion style. The story seems well-written, as far as I can tell.
I WUD RELIZE DAT I HAD MIGK AN I USE MY MIGK TO GRAP TEH TRAYN AN FLI OVA TO IT! Then I go to Equestria!
*Lightbulb* IDEEEAAAA
371533
You made me realize a factual flaw in my fic...
Fixed X3
Hey, I have a solid Idea for an ending(s) and was wandering, since I suck at Second person, if I was able to change the perspective to first person. (Oh and upload the ending as my own story)
This is very interesting! I would love it you could make a followup story to this!
371829
Ok, tell me when it's done :3
371875
I've got an idea for one, but I don't know if it will pass the rules here, because it would be fully focused on the second person, with only references to ponies.
373484
if not, you could make a blog post to a google docs link or something. fanfiction.net might work as well.
DOOOOOOOOOOODE!
The End Of The Line
If this was me?
Follow them back to wherever they go to get to Equestria. Then tell every single brony about how to get there.
Then kick Rainbow Dash and force her to read "Cupcakes", all while screaming "YOU DESERVE IT!", then leave them to the bronies trying to get at them while riding away on a train.