FlutterDash

by fearanger

Chapter 1: Arrival

Rainbow was having the time of her life. Zipping around the sky and looking down onto the citizens of Ponyville. She had just finished up clearing up most of the clouds in the sky and all she wants to do now is relax. She drifts over to the closest cloud she can find and lowers down onto it, back facing the cloud, placing her right hind leg over her left one, and finally closing her eyes.

But that's when she forgot something. She forgot to go and talk to Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie about something. She could trust Pinkie with this because whatever you promised her, she would try her best to keep it as long as it doesn't cross the line and this doesn't even move an inch towards that line. She then heard the familiar giggly voice of Pinkie Pie and the Quiet yet beautiful voice of Fluttershy below her. She rolls onto her stomach and takes a peak over the edge of the cloud to stare down at the stalls that were already bustling with happy and cheerful customers.

Pinkie and Fluttershy were easy to pick out of the group of ponies. She realized that now or later on might be a good time. But what does she want to risk? Boredom? Or having nearly half of Ponyville finding out if she talks loud enough? Knowing herself, she likes to get things done as quick as possible so she flies over and being the show-off she is, does a loop-de-loop in the air before reaching her target.

"Hey there you two!" Pinkie stopped in her tracks and gave off a little smile while Fluttershy flinched at the rainbow maned Pegasus's sudden appearance along with shyly hiding herself behind her long pink mane. "So... what were you talking about just now?"

"Oh! We were just talking about Gilda. She just came here!" Rainbow couldn't believe her ears. Gilda Of all ponies visiting Ponyville after that embarrassing party?!

"What?! Why is she back here? Doe's she want come to cause a ruckus? Because I can give her one!" Said Rainbow as she stood on hind legs and punched the thin air three times.

"Uh... no actually. She just stopped by with some apologetic flowers at my Cottage. When I said "Thanks for the apology." She just frowned then left after giving me a smile that even I knew was fake." Rainbow found out what was going on. Both her a Gilda were... lesbians... and Gilda thought it was better to just come straight out with it most of the time, and this is what she was going to tell them. "Uh... okay. I have something to tell you two. Me and Gilda... we are sorta... well..."

"Cousins?" Said Fluttershy.

"Best friends forever and ever now?!" Blurted out Pinkie, attracting some attention around them.

"Shush! Not so loud Pinkie! And no, I haven't forgiven her yet. Anyway... wait, cousins? Why cousins Fluttershy?" Fluttershy blushed and hid her face again. "Ookay. Anyway, well. Me and Gilda... we... uh... sorta like mares." Pinkie froze in the spot and then jumped into the air letting out a huge gasp! Which attracted alot of attention.

"PINKIE! Be. Quiet! I just wanted to let that out since I know I can trust you two."

"But I don't!" Said a familiar voice. An all too familiar voice. It was Gilda! And one thing that was not good about this? She heard everything. Even the bit with the non-forgiveness. Gilda stormed up to Rainbow and got right up in her face. "I thought I trusted you not to tell anyone! And what do you do? You blurt it out to Stinkie Pie-"

"Hey!"

"And Flutterwimp!" Fluttershy was really hurt by this. She was used to it but she could tell that Gilda was very serious, and she doesn't like that. Rainbow saw this and was really angered by this.

"What the hay is all this for?! I just tell my closest friends a secret and you just get up straight in our faces and call us names! Y'know what? There is something really wrong with you! I thought you didn't want to come here? Besides, Fluttershy told me about those flowers you gave her. At first your nice but then you start calling her names?!" Gilda was confused and said something that was going though her mind right now.

"What? Those flowers were so that I could try and get along with Fluttershy even more than you love..... uh... did I just say that?" Rainbow was really ticked off now.

"Yeah, and look around you." Everyone was staring at Gilda and... started laughing their heads off! Everypony thought it was weird for a mare to like a mare but a female Griffin liking a mare? No way. But this just ticked off Gilda even more than Rainbow was right now.

"WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU LAUGHING AT?!" Yelled Gilda almost as loud as the royal canterlot voice. Everypony was frozen in fear just because of that outburst. "If you even shed a chuckle at me I'll... I'll... I'll rip your throat out!" Everypony was now shaking in fear, wide-eyed at the threats the enraged Griffin was forcing out of her mouth. She then turned back to Rainbow Dash, glared at her and whispered into her ear.

"Fluttershy is mine you stupid freak! If you know what's good for you, you are never going to see her again you got that?!" And with that, Gilda flew off. Rainbow couldn't believe her ears right now and was astonished. After Gilda left, Rainbow was left bemused once again.

"That was way past uncool." But then, something went on in her mind. 'Did gilda mention me in that sentence?' thought Rainbow. She looked around saw that ponies were looking at her mumbling the same related topic.

"Did that Griffin mention that rainbow-maned Pegasus?"

"Rainbow can't be a lesbian right?"

"Could she really like mares?" Scootaloo then walked up to Rainbow and she feared the worst.

"Rainbow? Did that Griffin say that you... like mares?" Rainbow Dash couldn't take much more of this and she lept into the air to hide.

"Rainbow Dash wait!" Yelled Fluttershy as she followed after her. Meanwhile, Pinkie was thinking about something.

'Rainbow? Really? Hm... I wonder if she'll ask me out!' Thought pinkie as she gleefully hopped along the street.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Fluttershy was doing her best trying to find Rainbow Dash but knowing her, she would be hiding in one of the many clouds surrounding her.

"Rainbow Dash! Where are you?" Said Fluttershy, talking to the clouds around her.

"leave me alone..." Said a faint voice coming from behind Fluttershy. She turned around and saw a glimpse of color coming from a cloud. Fluttershy landed on the cloud softly so that she didn't land too hard on her friends back if she could.

"Please, can you come out and talk to me?"

"No! Your probably gonna laugh at me like they did to Gilda!" Fluttershy didn't know what to say. Her best friend accused her of laughing at her!

"Rainbow Dash. I'm your best friend and I would never laugh at someone, I laugh with someone which is a nice thing. Please come out of that cloud please?" Rainbow peeked through the cloud to meet Fluttershy's pleading eyes and she complied not wanting to upset her. "Rainbow, is it true that your a... filly fooler?" Rainbow's eyes went wide.

"Fluttershy, I don't really like that name." Scolded Rainbow Dash before figuring out who she was scolding. "*sigh* I guess you could say that..." Fluttershy was pondering this and it hit her.

"Wait... Do you like me?" Rainbow nodded. "How long was this?" Rainbow Dash knew this was going to come up sooner or later so she decided she should come out with it.

"Well, it all started when we met... I was always bullied due to my rainbow mane and tail and everyone called me names that were mostly mean. In the middle of the day when I saw you getting bullied as well, I just had to go and help you. And after that it like something snapped inside of me. When I scared them off, I knew we were going to be the closest friend. But later that day when your father came to pick you up, he said he didn't want me anywhere near you..."

*flashback*

"And I don't want you anywhere near my little butterfly! Just wait for your parents right here and don't go anywhere near her!" Scolded Fluttershy's father. Rainbow was scared out of her wits and maybe for the first time felt a tear coming on.

"But dad! She's my friend! I can trust her. She even fended off those bullies that annoy me so much!"

"That just gives me more reasons to keep her away from you. Because one, she is obviously a filly fooler! Two, she is dangerous and three, she will corrupt your mind if you hang out around her!"

"Dangerous? But I just told those mean bullies to stay away from her!" Rainbow started sobbing now.

"No. I don't trust you! Like how my long lost ancestor didn't trust the suits of armor that decorated his mansion. C'mon Fluttershy, we're leaving!" Said Fluttershy's dad while yanking her away from her hair. Fluttershy has had enough.

"DAD STOP!" He was now petrified by his daughters defiance. He let go of her mane and stared at her with wide and angered eyes.

"Stop? You want me to stop keeping you safe?! YOU WANT ME TO KEEP MY ONLY DAUGHTER SAFE FROM THIS LITTLE WHORE THAT IS STANDING RIGHT HERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A OF SELFISH BITCH YOUR BEING RIGHT NOW?!" Fluttershy's dad was furious beyond question.

"No, your being selfish. No wait, your being over-protective! You don't let me go outside, you never let me talk about fun things and whenever I come back to talk to you and mum about those bullies, you always cut her off when she suggests to get help! All you say to me is fight back at them but our family are pacifists and you don't even teach any fighting in the first place!"

"So... all you care about is your mother? What if I killed her?!" Fluttershy gasped.

"H-h-how could you?! Why would you say that?! Besides, she says I'm going to have a younger brother after a while!"

"Another reason to end her pitiful existence. Just another weak little bitch to take care of. Find your own way home!" And with that, he flew off with a great speed.

"Come back you chicken!" Yelled Rainbow as she picked up a rock and piffed it at her father. It hit him right in his wing and caused him to fall.

"Okay. That is it! You are such a dead little fucker!" Yelled her father as he ran after Fluttershy thinking it was her. He aimed a hoof right at her face. But before it connected, a snap was heard. Not from Fluttershy though, Rainbow jumped in the way and took the hit straight in the stomach sending her flying into Fluttershy and hurtling them back.

*reality*

"And when I awoke in the hospital and you told me that your father was locked up for child abuse and attempted murder, I just felt so sorry for you... I just wanted to come even closer to you than I ever was and when we became BFF's I knew we could only get closer from there and... I just hope that... you know..." Before Rainbow could finish, Fluttershy pulled her into a quick and passionate kiss on the lips, backed away instantly and came back in to hug her.

"Of course..." A tear rolled down her cheek. "... Just please don't... do that again!"

"What? Keep you safe?" Said Rainbow Dash in a deep voice imitating Fluttershy's dad. Fluttershy looked Rainbow in the eye and they both shared a heart-felt laugh...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Gilda was flying through the sky back to Cloudsdale feeling rejected but was in heavy thought about something.

"If Fluttershy won't be with me... then nobody can... Rainbow Dash... I am COMING FOR YOU!!!" Gilda yelled into the air complete with a maniacal laughter...

~*To be continued*~

*facts*

Pinkie is taking things the wrong way and is getting in over her head. She has liked Rainbow since they met and thinks they have a chance together if she was a lesbian. And since she is, she thinks she is an insta-marefriend with her. Big mistake!

Butterfly is Flutterfloat's (Fluttershy's dad) nickname for Fluttershy.

Gilda doesn't know Rainbow Dash is Fluttershy's marefriend but since she is closer to Fluttershy than anyone else she suspects Rainbow to try and get to her. Plus, she has wanted revenge on Rainbow Dash ever since she left last time.

Comments

[PatRoison]

An interesting story with a back story that I would like to read more of. Look forward to the next chapter.

[Lois]

I really enjoyed reading this story, please write more chapters!

[jimmyrustler]

good so far. waiting for more.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

I suppose I should have expected this when I looked for shipping stories.

Your first paragraph is way too damn long. Break up those walls of text. Take at least three fair-sized paragraphs to set the mood before you dive into events. Let us experience the flow of things, don't just have a nonstop stream of dialogue. Don't rush the exposition. Don't rush Gilda's actual appearance. Just don't rush things in general.

Learn to properly attribute your dialogue. The following paragraph, for example, is incorrect.

"Stop? You want me to stop keeping you safe?! YOU WANT ME TO KEEP MY ONLY DAUGHTER SAFE FROM THIS LITTLE WHORE THAT IS STANDING RIGHT HERE?! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH A OF SELFISH BITCH YOUR BEING RIGHT NOW?!" Fluttershy was furious beyond question.

Deer god, that's awful. When you follow an otherwise-unattributed quotation with a statement of what a character is doing or how they're feeling, the reader automatically assumes that the character identified in the latter statement is the character saying the quote. And here you've only compounded it; you've given Fluttershy an emotion that matches that expressed in the quote, making it seem even MORE like she's the one speaking.

And drop your spellcheck in favor of a proofreader. A spellcheck won't tell you the difference between "your" and "you're", "too" and "to", "their" and "there".

I'm sorry. I want to like this. There aren't enough good Flutterdash fics. But this isn't good. This is bad. This is very, very bad.

[fearanger]

491277 wow... Um... Well sorry it's just... *sigh* I please people but there are just people who... Why do I make these to find out that I'm going to get a bad comment on the first chapter? But your comment is just harsh. I never get a chance with these so with that part with her dad I did it during the night! I was sleepy, tired and when I try to fit something in earlier in the day some things just don't come out right! I'm serious here... You could have done without the insults...

[Little Jackie Papercut]

491324
...

Sorry. I didn't mean to be quite that harsh. I was just kind of irritated because, well, there seems to be a trend of Flutterdash stories looking better at first glance than they turn out to be. And I tire of seeing empty praise for stories with obvious flaws, it makes me feel like I'm the only one interested in writers being made that extra bit self-aware in order to improve. So ultimately when I started typing up little things I found disappointing about this story, I found I couldn't stop, so I went a bit overboard. I'm not trying to say it's irretrievable and I'm not saying you shouldn't try. This could still be a good story, I just don't think it's there yet.

I don't want you to think I'm calling you a bad writer. I don't think anyone can make that judgement based on the quality of a chapter, It should be made, if at all, based on someone's effort and willingness to take advice and improve.

[fearanger]

491930 Well... it's okay... That happens with me sometimes when someone who really gets on my nerves at school *coughjackcough* and they WILL NOT stop pestering me! They just never leave me alone. And I call them my friends? I only say their my friends so they don't annoy me even more than how they are now. But yeah, I'll just try to find the faults you pointed out and try to fix them. ... Actually... your were doing a good job in proof reading there! If I make you my proof reader can you promise not to go overboard? No offense. Also, about Gilda's appearance... I was thinking of having her being the sneaky type and just popping up out of nowhere. Yeah my mind works in strange ways.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

492007
How would that work, exactly? Does the site have a system for it or are you thinking of just sending things to me to look at?

I'd be glad to help, either way, as much as I can.

[fearanger]

492081 Well there is a way where you get a password and get someone to use it when you notify them of a chapter being done but I use private messaging. I copy the chapter that I'm done with then I send it to you, you tell me the flaws I fix the chapter then send it to you and see if it needs anything else done.

[KazesLittleHelper]

If I may offer some constructive criticism, you really REALLY need to pick a tense and stick with it. Switching back and forth between past (Rainbow was having the time of her life.) and present (She drifts over to the closest cloud) is really distracting.

[fearanger]

492101 Yeah... sorry about that. I can have trouble with choosing between tense because to me, some words in certain tenses sound like they are from the same tense.

[Little Jackie Papercut]

I think maybe I should take a moment to elaborate on what I meant about the constant stream of dialogue, because I don't know if the way I put it before was very helpful.

After the first long paragraph, nearly every paragraph starts with a sentence in quotation marks. It gives the whole thing a feeling of sameishness, and projects the illusion that all that's happening is characters talking, even though that's not true. You should include some paragraphs of descriptions or actions, but aside from that, you could actually improve it quite a bit by just reorganizing a few paragraphs so that the dialogue comes at the end of the paragraph instead of the beginning..

[fearanger]

492900 Hm... I understand what your saying but for some reason I can't find anyway to improve it. Not saying I'm lazy! I'm just saying that I don't know how I could improve it without making a big mess I have to clean up later! I'm pathetic aren't I?

[Little Jackie Papercut]

494754
Not sure if I can help you there... maybe the best thing to do would be to move on to the next chapter and try to do your best with that, and maybe once you've got a few to look over you'll see some things you can do with the first.

[fearanger]

500061 well, I was thinking of making him overprotective, easily provoked and as a grumpy old bum. Plus, he can get really over his head! But that time he was drunk. I was thinking of something else happen involving him in the future.

[Fircoal]

Eh, Gilda and Fluttershy's dad's characterization seems really off and to extreme levels...

[fearanger]

503237 My mind works in STRANGE. WAYS. O.O

[RedGamer8]

Really nice. Make another chapter. Godspeed and goodluck.

[fearanger]

545113 Thanks man. I get really distracted easily so I can't focus on certain things sometimes.

[FlutterDashy]

iambrony.steeph.tp-radio.de/mlp/gif/f0swtw.gif
MOAR!!!

[FlutterDashy]

505176 heh, mine too VERY WIERD 0_0

[fearanger]

599567 your mind crazy sometimes? Huh... Anyway, once I do the first chapters of three upcoming stories, I'll get the next chapter up. So many distractions! And RPG maker VX ACE doesn't help much either...

[JellyDrivex64]

Me wantz.... MORE!

[fearanger]

700371 I know... I have alot of stuff to do (including school) so I'm pretty caught up...

[JellyDrivex64]

701637 well now its...SUMMER! unless you like in EU...MOUSTACHE POWA!

[fearanger]

703327 I'm in Australia and get this? No Summer off! WHAT THE HELL?! Luckily if it's too hot we get off of school. (WHICH IS ALMOST NEVER GODDAMMIT! Australia is pretty weird. ) Also, MOUSTACHE!!! X3

[JellyDrivex64]

704397 ya here in pennsylvania (a state of USA) it's fucking COLD!!! And now it goes to be over 80 which is hot here and I like my house at 62 degrees and... mustache

[fearanger]

706665 CHEESE! FO- wait a minute... MUSTACHES! FOR EVERYONE!

[Wumz]

The flashback was..... wut. But please. Give.Me.Moar.

[fearanger]

995596 I'll try to! I get preoccupied easily. And thanks for faving! X3

[Cynderfall]

MOAR!! Um... If that's not to much trouble...

[fearanger]

1552726 I'll try to if I can convince myself.

[Hej]

Moarrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

[CrystalCupquake]

This is so AWESOME!

[PonyCrescendo]

Yay this is amazing!! please write more!!

[Comrade_Soviet]

Ah yes another dead fic

[Princess Starflight]

Aww man. It's dead. It was good while it lasted