This is book 1 in the Forgotten Trilogy
Iron Smith has been living all by himself alone in a forgotten kingdom. The ponies in this town are confused as to why he doesn't want anyone to talk to him and why this strange Purple Alicorn has managed to convince him to let her in and talk to her about his past, what secrets is this pony hiding from the rest of the world? Iron Smith knows one thing, Some secrets he has kept are better kept unknown.
Special Thanks to ShinyGirantinaZ for being my proofreader and editor without you this story would not be nearly as great
Chapters (5)
Hmm, thoughts on chapter one.
1. Concept. I hope you flesh out his origin story and he isn't just another unexplainable event like in most stories like this.
You need a well thought out backstory for this concept or you will recieve hate. This is not an original idea, so you will need some great original content and creative storytelling to pull this off well and get out of your dislike pit.
2. Dialogue. The conversations are really jumbled, not well spaced, and terribly punctuated. Commas and their usage will benefit you greatly. Also, every time that a character says a new line of dialogue, you have to make it a new paragraph. It looks less daunting and is a better visual cue for conversation. Most of your aesthetic problems could be solved by getting an editor, there are lots of groups for those.
3. Transitions. Your story is currently an all bare-bones story. Put some meat on those bones! Add descriptions such as what his house looks like on the inside. Describe Celestia and Twilight's conversation. Flesh out his dislike of other ponies and maybe even hint at his past to keep the reader intrigued. This attention to detail is a major aspect of drawing in your reader and created an immersive story instead of a boring or confusing one. You have a lot of 'tell' going, now you need to 'show'.
4. Perspective. You jump perspective a couple times. This is a big no-no. Chose a character or point of view and stick with it to the end of the chapter, at the very least. If you do change your perspective, give the reader an obvious cue. This breaks immersion but is better than the confusion of working out whose perspective you are coming from.
That's all I have for now, though I think that this storywriting guide could really help you out.
Ezn's Storywriting Guide
(If that link doesn't work, it's because I am typing this on a mobile device and it sometimes screws stuff up. The link is also at the top of the first text section in the 'story edit' function.
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Hmm, rapid weather changes. Possible Windigos inclusion?
Just to let you know, when doing quotation marks you don't have to place them at the end of every sentence, nor do you have to place them before the period. A quotation should look like this:
"I honestly have no idea what to put in this example sentence. Oh well, I'm quite sure I'll think of something later."
Instead of:
"I honestly have no idea what to put in this example sentence". "Oh well, I'm sure I'll think of something later".
Also, the paragraphs can be single spaced, but it is often more aesthetically pleasing to double space between each paragraph change. This way, it is less of a 'wall of text' and it seems easier to read.
Other than that and a few random run on sentences that weren't that noticeable, this was a good chapter! I wonder what that council is about...
what im not liking about this is that even though its showing his memories its not including twilights reactions or inputs if i didnt remember the part from chapter one i would have forgotten she was even there
4104481 Just remember that Twilight is in a spell. I was thinking that maybe the spell could wear off and Iron Smith would have to cast it again. But apart from that do you like my fanfic?
4105773 i have liked the idea and i like this story i just like to see reactions in flash back type deals its a quirk of mine probably
4105885 Thank you for your input
Im glad to see people commenting on my story. I wish people would do it more often so i know what they think