- Member Since 19th Dec, 2013
- offline last seen Jul 17th, 2022
TheColorGreen
A Christian pegasister from somewhere in the western United States. Currently writing an epic fantasy novel and trying to figure out how to incorporate Sweetcream Scoops into a story.
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I feel as if this would've been slightly better if it were in past tense rather then present. Maybe that just a personal preference. I dunno. I just feel as if that would be right for the story.
3674012
That's odd, because I was going to put it in the past tense, since that's how I usually write, but it ended up this way because I felt it would be better.
To each his own, I guess.
I feel that this needs expanding on. Many things in this are mentioned once, not more, and this makes the whole thing feel disjointed. Stories that give little information tend to lead the readers to guess - this gives the impression that there isn't anything to guess, somehow.
The premise of the story is not bad, however. With some changes to structure it could be a good story.
I would perhaps split this into three parts, each revealing more of the past and some of the developments, maybe from the points of view of the different characters. Then I would probably put it in past tense, and add a last chapter in the present tense with the redemption.
I think, overall, this shows promise. I'm gonna read your other story, see how that is. I hope this was helpful.
Not bad. Personaly id like to know. What hat happen to ponyvile
.an how the fire started an the manticore what happened there as well.
I'm so... Confused...
Seriously, I think you need to explain more. It's really hard to feel anything for the charecters in the story if I don't know what's going on. What happened in Ponyville? How is it Twilight's fault? Was Pinkie blind? Did she lose a hoof? What happened with the manticore? Why is RD angry with Twilight one second and completely forgiving the next? Did Twilight try to kill herself? What happened with Fluttershy?
There are just so many things I can't understand, and it's really distracting me from the story.
I think I would of really liked the story if I knew what was going on.
Cool! :D
This really doesn't explain itself well. there are many Questions still to be asked.
?