I enjoy reading MLP fanfics, and I'm writing a little as well, I'm not the best, but i try to make something that is easy to read, and short enough for a quick ride :)
my first story!
John wakes up without his cieling above him, he was suprised to see what he saw, when he got up he saw he was in Equestria. He was a big fan of My Little Pony, and allways said if he could live in Equestria, he would. All his friends stopped seeing him much, so he didn't really have any real friends. This is his story of how his mysterious time in Equestria, made him realise what true friends are, and that anyone can become a hero, if they just do the right thing
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OK, a few things:
1) good start, got the major starting points done on a solid foundation
2) you need an editor, there is a huge amount of glaring mistakes that I'm surprised you missed
3) I would like to offer my services as an editor. Just throw me a PM if you're interested.
(nether like nor dislike personally. So i won't be giving a thumbs up or down)
Being a fairly new author myself I'll try not to be too judgmental but I do notice a few things.
positives
1)some interesting points were made, how far in the timeline they were being in question After seeing twilight (most definitive timeline marker in series so far) Just bear in mind that the revelations in the season 4 opener have strongly suggested the episodes are not released purely in chronological order. (a winter episode for both season 1 and 2, but only 1 year has passed by the beginning of season 4) so don't feel too bound by the release dates of the show.
2) for the level of detail you put in, you did seem to have a fairly decent concept of Rainbow Dash and her quickness to judge
negatives
so don't feel bad, but to pass on the advice of others "say less, do more"
1) The main character is a bit "Gary Stu" (masculine version of Mary Sue: A character that handles situations too perfectly to be interesting) and this is a guy that is supposed to have a hangover? Brony or not, that's a little bland.
2)the characters seem to almost be speaking their lines with minimal expression. I myself am struggling with this
3) You didn't follow through with Rainbow Dash's paranoia after building it up. She seemed to just drop it with no outside source causing her to do so. if any thing, him knowing twilight's name would have put her even more on the defensive.
3634442 but to make a point, my earliest attempts were not any better, it's not that you're bad, I see some potential in the writing methods, they just need to be refined with practice.
so don't get discouraged.
Yet another HiE Gary Stu. Probably self-insert. With atrocious grammar to boot.
Why? Just why?
3634473 to get out there and get started you....(refrains from trolling insults)...
every one has to start somewhere. if he makes say... half a dozen more stories just as bland with no improvement whatsoever... then ya, dog on him.
but his is his first.
3634486 Then he shouldn't be posting. It's an eyesore in itself.
I have the right to tell him this is shit because it is shit.
3634496 well i can not find a flaw in your statements save your vulgarity and stating opinion as fact.. As for your attitude: you sir are a troll and I refuse to respond to you any further, go ahead and rant.
but he has stirred something in me.... pesoen Message me if you need a hand. I can't offer much
but feel free to ask.
(just dont drag me into any clop stuff
{saw the sex tag} )
3634528 Huzzah. I am officially a troll.
I've been waiting for this moment. You have finally completed a mark on my checklist.
3634496 wow, really? this is my first story, pony related, my second story EVER online, you judge too quickly.
3634442 thanks for the positive, and sorry for forgetting his hangover
was too focused on getting the chapter long enough, and also forgot about Dash, might rewrite chapter one before realeasing chapter 2 so there is a little more action(dash doing something, and doubting John's intentions)
3634537 I beg to differ.
3634539 how so? im just trying to do something, because i had an idea. and as stated multiple times, both in comments and in the info chapter, its my first story on fimfiction. im used to autocorrect from word to help me with grammar(because im danish, the danish grammar sticks better than english, but i will get better over time)
3634528 what services do you offer, i might want to make use of them.
3634546 Beyond grammar, this idea is cliched and overused to hell. The line for making Mary Sue self-insert HiE fics has been passed long ago, yet fools continue to persist. This is absolutely no different than the plethora of others.
Of course, the storytelling is crap as well. The telling is off the the scale and into the sky. Your character is both a Mary Sue and a cardboard cut-out.
I would suggest keeping this to yourself. Then acquire good grammar and writing skills. And then try again.
3634546 Ill personal message you on that,
3634589 If only.
Oh Jesus Christ, it not only has the most cliche title for a HiE ever, it also has an incredibly cliche first chapter title. First chapters always seem to be titled either 'Arrival' or 'Awakening'. Something about those A words, I don't know.
I would suggest you take a look at some of the stories that have gone before this one. Someone added this fic to the Plan 9 group, so take a look at its folders and see some of the hundreds of other fics that share this general plot. Go to the HiE group and see how many stories have been written on the theme of 'average dude in Equestria, romances Element of Harmony'. This idea has been done much better, and at this point it's going to take a really good writer to put the concept across in a way that's actually believable and interesting to a jaded audience. Of course, that isn't what we have here. It's the same story I'm getting tired of seeing.
3634921 well since this is my first story about the subject, of course it starts as any other before me. but i have a few twist's planned for the next few chapters, a small rewrite of the first chapter due to me forgetting a few details and other minor tweaks. i cannot promise something completely unique, as only an experienced writer would know how to do it. but to me, at least its a start, the first try so to speak. i wont complain about people saying it sucks, it just tells me i need to work harder on it. and using an overused setting is the best way to start, as you can get a feel for how things are done, and if your lucky they are done right. as i can tell by the many comments, i have grammatical issues, and a few memory f*ckups on my part(making a good buildup of dash then just dropping it), but thats to be expected of a first timer. so please for all who read this, keep up the comments, tell me what is wrong, and what is right so i can make it better. give me the input i am missing, the cupcake to my pinkie, if you will.
i cant make any promises, but i will try my best to make it more unique, and grammatically correct.
3634971
Hmm, for starters, always capitalise the start of sentences. Really simple stuff, I mean, the shift key is right there for the love of Celestia. Oh, and introduce your protagonist in-story, rather than in the middle of a protracted author's note. You'll find it makes for a more rounded character if you have to introduce them within the narrative, as it forces you to learn to cut the information you give away in the first chapters down to a core of interesting material. That way, you can grab the reader's attention with the depth of character you hint at and then slowly add information over the chapters so that it slowly accumulates into a well developed character.
Other things... John seems to mentally adapt to the idea of physically being in Equestria very quickly, after his initial shock. Too quickly, in my opinion. It's a common problem in this sort of fic, although John is actually less robotic than many of his counterparts, who often express no emotion whatsoever. So at least that's something. The speech tags in the conversation between John and Celestia are very confusing, and I have no idea if Shining Armor is actually present or if that's simply John imitating Shining for some reason. It's really hard to say, because your general grammatical skills aren't too great, and the dialogue tags are really weirdly laid out. Oh, and don't write numbers numerically. Write them out as a word, so '20' becomes 'twenty', because using numbers in narrative looks messy and awkward.
Small, niggling details. How are Dash and John speaking the same language? What makes Dash assume he's male, if he's wearing clothes, and she's never seen a creature like him before? Why is the relatively chill Shining Armor behaving like a half-braindead military grunt? Oh, and tense shifts from past to present and back to past in a couple of places, which looks really awkward.
Little things, but mostly you need to capitalise the beginnings of sentences, capitalise your 'I' pronouns and fix up the occasional tense shifts.
3635033 ok, thank you for cutting it out for me, i really appreciate it as it will help me become better, by learning what im doing wrong, hopefully i will get much better at this, or more people are just gonna hate the story for my small mistakes. also a few places i forgot where i was going, therefore the way dash knows this is actually a really great question. as well as how quickly she just complies with John because he said Twilight's name, mistakes on my part because i was making the first part of the story, then jumped back being sleepy and tried to finish it.
so again, thank you for pointing out my mistakes, i will try to fix them though not now, i have a few job interviews with my name on them for the next few days. but it should be fixed by the weekend.
l.wigflip.com/s5M5E5wj/roflbot.jpg
No offense bro, but that typo.
3674353 none taken, like i said constructive critisism is ok. + i should have seen that, will fix as soon as im at home again.
The thing I am noticing is there doesn't seem to be anything leading to anything. This seems to be a near documentary. I'm not saying every story needs some hardship to overcome or some epic save the world thing. But the story doesn't seem to have any major direction or any thing that pulls a reader in, making them ask questions like 'what's gonna happen next?' or 'why did they do that?'.
A story that is made for entertainment value needs to engage the audience. Once again you don't necessarily need short-cuts like overwhelming odds, personal struggles or epic dangers, but try to think about what the audience might be thinking as they read the story you're portraying. (
, 
, 
, 
, 
) Guide and stimulate their thoughts, don't just come out and say it flat.
( flat can be used a little, when you need that particular 'effect', but it is like bland food, a little bland can be useful in dishes when you need to not have flavor distracting from something else like texture, but must be handled carefully)
3848121 i know, but im having some writers block, and a bit of stress from my new work, and i still dont know yet where im going to take it. but as soon as i know, it will be clearly shown in the story, but i expect to have a direction before chapter ten. so hopefully i will make it to chapter ten before something happens(IE me getting teleported to equestria
)
3853908 if you want anyone, aside from people bribed to read it, to read it. you want to grab their attention by the second chapter at the very latest. even then you still need to at least perk their curiosity before the end of chapter 1.
chapter 10... im sorry but too little to late, maybe when you get there you can re work your old chapters to build up to the event you havent thought of yet, but... if the story begins at chapter 10 and nothing is added at the start... it's gonna die.
3853961 ok i will, thank you for the support and criticism. hopefully i will be better next time around, but this story is still going to continue for as long as i can. and work out as many bugs and mistakes as i can.