John woke up remembering he was trying a new drink down at the bar before going black.
"I have got to stop trying all the new drinks, I can’t handle them!" he shouted out to no one in particular. As he opened his eyes, he was a bit confused, he expected to see his apartments cieling, not a clear blue sky with a few clouds.
'why am I not in my bed' he thought to himself as he got up, still feeling a bit sleepy. He tried looking around, and was a bit confused about the scenery.
"I have got to be dreaming, because that forest behind me is the Everfree forest" he looked around some more before almost screaming "and there is Ponyville!" he started to walk towards Ponyville, seeing as how he was a fan of the show, maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. He was however stopped by a blur of cyan flying past him, only inches from his head. "JESUS CHRIST!" he yelled as he looked behind him, only to see Rainbow Dash standing there, looking at him as if he was a threat. "Okay this dream is getting weird." he said out loud, Rainbow Dash just looked at him with a slightly confused face. They just looked at each other for a few moments until Rainbow Dash decided to ask him
"What are you? How can you talk? And why did you come out of the Everfree forest?" He looked at her with confusion in his eyes
"So I’m not dreaming? This is real?" he asked back, Rainbow Dash just looked at him, unsure of what to say.
"You came out of the Everfree forest, and a moving towards Ponyville. Give me one good reason not to attack you right now!" she said looking at him.
"Okay, but before that" he said looking at her with less confusion, "is Twilight around? She would love to ask some questions, if I’m not mistaken" Dash just moved closer to him.
"You know Twilight?" she asked.
"Not really, I just know much about this world, now is she around?" he said back
“I still don’t trust you, even IF you know twilight, I’m not just going to let you walk into ponyville.” Rainbow dash said, still looking like she was ready to fight.
“And I can understand that, but I can safely say, I don’t mean anypony any harm, otherwise I would have attacked you already.” He replied, in a calm tone.
“Maybe you are just waiting for the right time to attack me, or the other resident of ponyville, I’m not going to let you do that.” She said, looking like she was getting ready to attack.
“Calm down Rainbow Dash, I don’t want to hurt you, but I might have to if you attack me” he said back, getting into position to fight back.
“How do you know my name?” she said, looking a bit more confused.
“Well I know a lot about this world, and some of the ponies in it. Mostly the elements of harmony, and the cutie mark crusaders.”
“Wait, you know about the elements of harmony!?” she asked raising her voice a little.
“Yes I do, and I also know you are the fastest flyer in all of Equestria.” He said, looking as rainbow dash blushed a bit.
“Well at least you have that info correct, but I still don’t trust you enough to just let you walk away.” She said back, still blushing a bit.
“Well I’m not going to stay here all day, so either you attack me, or let me pass, either way I won't hold it against you.” he said, still standing ready to fight back.
“Okay, you asked for it creature, I won't hold back!” she said as she lunged towards him, hoping to catch him off guard. Unfortunately for her, he was ready. She tried to hit him with her front right hoof, which he barely dodged as he caught her hind left hoof, forced her to the ground, and held her down.
“I told you I might have to hurt you, now calm down before it might start to hurt.” He said with a calm tone.
“I won't hold back, I’m not just going to let you walk into ponyville, and possibly hurt my friends!” she said as she started to flap her wings, hitting John in the face, which forced him to let go. “You are not as tough as I though, or maybe you are just holding back?” she said, now hovering a bit above the ground.
“Well, like I said I don’t want to hurt you, but you might leave me no choice.” He said, getting a little mad.
“Come on, how bad can it be, you can’t even hold me down for more than 2 seconds.” She said laughing a bit
“Well, that was because I was trying not to hurt you, but how about you come down on the ground and we settle this? I won't hold back this time” he said, laughing a bit at the end as well.
“Oh so now you are getting serious, this is going to be fun.” She said, showing a small smile as she landed. John lunged forwards, grabbing her around the neck, but was met with her front left hoof in his stomach.
“Ouch, that hurt you know” he said with his smile getting bigger, still holding around her neck.
“That was the plan, giving up” she said.
“Not anytime soon, but you might!” he said, as he lifted her up, and threw her towards the ground.
“This is really fun, you ok Dash?” John said as he looked at her just lying there.
“Ow, I thought you said you didn’t want to hurt me” she said, catching her breath.
“Yeah, but I did say I would not hold back this time” he said as he lend her a hand to get up.
“Well you have had plenty of opportunities to do some serious harm to me, yet you don’t, why won't you?” she asked John.
“I told you, I’m not here to hurt anypony, I actually don’t know why I’m here, the last thing I remember was going home from my local bar after trying a new drink” he said, sitting down on the grass.
“Wait, you are not from the Everfree forest?” she asked with confusion.
“No, I’m not even from this world, but I think twilight might have an idea what happened to me, since I woke up here.” He replied.
“well, let’s get going then, like you said, she must have a million questions about you and where you are from.” She said as she got up, and started to hover a little above the ground.
A few minutes later they arrived at the library, in the meantime he had found out how tall he was in comparison to the ponies. Rainbow dash, was only as high as his chest. So he was taller than the ponies, although he was still unsure about his size in comparison to Celestia or Luna, as they are Alicorns and larger than your average pony. Dash knocked on the door, and Twilight quickly replied
"Just a minute". The door swung open and Twilight walked out and saw Rainbow Dash floating outside. "Hello Rainbow Dash, what do you want? Let me guess, more Daring Do?" she asked with a small smile.
"No, not today, I found this Thing just outside the Everfree forest, and it wanted to talk with you" she said pointing her hoof at John. Twilight let out a small eep, as she looked at John.
"Don’t worry Twilight, I’m not here to hurt you, or any other pony for that matter" he said with a calm tone. She looked at him with a bit of confusion in her eyes.
“It only hurt me because I forced it to, so it can’t really be blamed for it."
"What are you?" she said.
"I’m a male human, or homo-sapiens if you want the scientific term" she looked at him with a big smile on her face.
"Oh wow, I have never seen or heard of a 'human' before, where are you from, what are you wearing, and how did you know my name? Oh I have so many questions to ask you" she said with an even bigger smile on her face.
"Yes I know that, but before that, don’t you think you should write to Princess Celestia about a new creature?" he said with a small smile, since he had seen the show.
"How did you know about the princess?" she asked him with confusion in her eyes again, but decided to write to the Princess anyway.
After a few minutes the Princess arrived in a bright flash outside the library, along with twenty royal guards. John went outside to meet with the princess, but was knocked into the ground by one of the guards. "Well that’s one way to say hello" he said sarcastically. The princess then noticed John and asked the guard to release him.
"I’m sorry for my guard’s behavior, I hope he did not hurt you" she said.
"No big deal , I was prepared for that" John said as he got up, then bowed to the Princess "it’s an honor to finally meet you Princess Celestia" he said before returning to a standing position. Shining Armor turned around, looked him in his eyes and said.
"If you hurt my little Twily, I’m going to hurt you so bad you wish you were dead!" John simply replied.
"I would not hurt Twilight, even if my own life was on the line, so back of Shining Armor" Celestia looked a bit confused and asked.
"How do you know about Shining Armor and Twilight Sparkle?" John looked at Celestia and replied.
"I know a lot about this world, more than you might think, but just so you can all feel safe, I would like to be taken into custody and put behind bars, just for a few days, this will also be a great way for me to adjust to this world"
"And why would I do that? you have done nothing wrong, or hurt anypony" Celestia said, John got a small smile on his lips.
"well i have hurt Rainbow Dash" he said. Celestia looked shocked. "now then, it is just for the other ponies to feel safer, and it is also a way for me to learn a bit more about this world 'and figure out how far the timeline has come', have no fear I will follow quietly and be a good prisoner for however long you decide, but I wish for you to put me in prison for at least 3 days. Just because I seem nice does not mean I was not sent here to kill somepony, that I was just acting nicely to get close to somepony, such as yourself Celestia" Celestia looked at John, still a bit confused by it all.
"very well, you will be placed in prison until we decide to let you out again, now are you ready to be taken down by twenty guards?" she asked with a small smile on her lips before they jumped John and held I’m to the ground, as he passed out the last thing he saw was the small smile on Celestia's lips.
OK, a few things:
1) good start, got the major starting points done on a solid foundation
2) you need an editor, there is a huge amount of glaring mistakes that I'm surprised you missed
3) I would like to offer my services as an editor. Just throw me a PM if you're interested.
(nether like nor dislike personally. So i won't be giving a thumbs up or down)
Being a fairly new author myself I'll try not to be too judgmental but I do notice a few things.
positives
1)some interesting points were made, how far in the timeline they were being in question After seeing twilight (most definitive timeline marker in series so far) Just bear in mind that the revelations in the season 4 opener have strongly suggested the episodes are not released purely in chronological order. (a winter episode for both season 1 and 2, but only 1 year has passed by the beginning of season 4) so don't feel too bound by the release dates of the show.
2) for the level of detail you put in, you did seem to have a fairly decent concept of Rainbow Dash and her quickness to judge
negatives
1) The main character is a bit "Gary Stu" (masculine version of Mary Sue: A character that handles situations too perfectly to be interesting) and this is a guy that is supposed to have a hangover? Brony or not, that's a little bland.
2)the characters seem to almost be speaking their lines with minimal expression. I myself am struggling with this so don't feel bad, but to pass on the advice of others "say less, do more"
3) You didn't follow through with Rainbow Dash's paranoia after building it up. She seemed to just drop it with no outside source causing her to do so. if any thing, him knowing twilight's name would have put her even more on the defensive.
3634442 but to make a point, my earliest attempts were not any better, it's not that you're bad, I see some potential in the writing methods, they just need to be refined with practice.
so don't get discouraged.
Yet another HiE Gary Stu. Probably self-insert. With atrocious grammar to boot.
Why? Just why?
3634473 to get out there and get started you....(refrains from trolling insults)...
every one has to start somewhere. if he makes say... half a dozen more stories just as bland with no improvement whatsoever... then ya, dog on him. but his is his first.
3634486 Then he shouldn't be posting. It's an eyesore in itself.
I have the right to tell him this is shit because it is shit.
3634496 well i can not find a flaw in your statements save your vulgarity and stating opinion as fact.. As for your attitude: you sir are a troll and I refuse to respond to you any further, go ahead and rant.
but he has stirred something in me.... pesoen Message me if you need a hand. I can't offer much but feel free to ask.
(just dont drag me into any clop stuff {saw the sex tag} )
3634528 Huzzah. I am officially a troll.
I've been waiting for this moment. You have finally completed a mark on my checklist.
3634496 wow, really? this is my first story, pony related, my second story EVER online, you judge too quickly.
3634442 thanks for the positive, and sorry for forgetting his hangover
was too focused on getting the chapter long enough, and also forgot about Dash, might rewrite chapter one before realeasing chapter 2 so there is a little more action(dash doing something, and doubting John's intentions)
3634537 I beg to differ.
3634539 how so? im just trying to do something, because i had an idea. and as stated multiple times, both in comments and in the info chapter, its my first story on fimfiction. im used to autocorrect from word to help me with grammar(because im danish, the danish grammar sticks better than english, but i will get better over time)
3634528 what services do you offer, i might want to make use of them.
3634546 Beyond grammar, this idea is cliched and overused to hell. The line for making Mary Sue self-insert HiE fics has been passed long ago, yet fools continue to persist. This is absolutely no different than the plethora of others.
Of course, the storytelling is crap as well. The telling is off the the scale and into the sky. Your character is both a Mary Sue and a cardboard cut-out.
I would suggest keeping this to yourself. Then acquire good grammar and writing skills. And then try again.
3634546 Ill personal message you on that,
A dollar for every time I see shit like this.
3634589 If only.
Oh Jesus Christ, it not only has the most cliche title for a HiE ever, it also has an incredibly cliche first chapter title. First chapters always seem to be titled either 'Arrival' or 'Awakening'. Something about those A words, I don't know.
I would suggest you take a look at some of the stories that have gone before this one. Someone added this fic to the Plan 9 group, so take a look at its folders and see some of the hundreds of other fics that share this general plot. Go to the HiE group and see how many stories have been written on the theme of 'average dude in Equestria, romances Element of Harmony'. This idea has been done much better, and at this point it's going to take a really good writer to put the concept across in a way that's actually believable and interesting to a jaded audience. Of course, that isn't what we have here. It's the same story I'm getting tired of seeing.
3634921 well since this is my first story about the subject, of course it starts as any other before me. but i have a few twist's planned for the next few chapters, a small rewrite of the first chapter due to me forgetting a few details and other minor tweaks. i cannot promise something completely unique, as only an experienced writer would know how to do it. but to me, at least its a start, the first try so to speak. i wont complain about people saying it sucks, it just tells me i need to work harder on it. and using an overused setting is the best way to start, as you can get a feel for how things are done, and if your lucky they are done right. as i can tell by the many comments, i have grammatical issues, and a few memory f*ckups on my part(making a good buildup of dash then just dropping it), but thats to be expected of a first timer. so please for all who read this, keep up the comments, tell me what is wrong, and what is right so i can make it better. give me the input i am missing, the cupcake to my pinkie, if you will.
i cant make any promises, but i will try my best to make it more unique, and grammatically correct.
3634971
Hmm, for starters, always capitalise the start of sentences. Really simple stuff, I mean, the shift key is right there for the love of Celestia. Oh, and introduce your protagonist in-story, rather than in the middle of a protracted author's note. You'll find it makes for a more rounded character if you have to introduce them within the narrative, as it forces you to learn to cut the information you give away in the first chapters down to a core of interesting material. That way, you can grab the reader's attention with the depth of character you hint at and then slowly add information over the chapters so that it slowly accumulates into a well developed character.
Other things... John seems to mentally adapt to the idea of physically being in Equestria very quickly, after his initial shock. Too quickly, in my opinion. It's a common problem in this sort of fic, although John is actually less robotic than many of his counterparts, who often express no emotion whatsoever. So at least that's something. The speech tags in the conversation between John and Celestia are very confusing, and I have no idea if Shining Armor is actually present or if that's simply John imitating Shining for some reason. It's really hard to say, because your general grammatical skills aren't too great, and the dialogue tags are really weirdly laid out. Oh, and don't write numbers numerically. Write them out as a word, so '20' becomes 'twenty', because using numbers in narrative looks messy and awkward.
Small, niggling details. How are Dash and John speaking the same language? What makes Dash assume he's male, if he's wearing clothes, and she's never seen a creature like him before? Why is the relatively chill Shining Armor behaving like a half-braindead military grunt? Oh, and tense shifts from past to present and back to past in a couple of places, which looks really awkward.
Little things, but mostly you need to capitalise the beginnings of sentences, capitalise your 'I' pronouns and fix up the occasional tense shifts.
3635033 ok, thank you for cutting it out for me, i really appreciate it as it will help me become better, by learning what im doing wrong, hopefully i will get much better at this, or more people are just gonna hate the story for my small mistakes. also a few places i forgot where i was going, therefore the way dash knows this is actually a really great question. as well as how quickly she just complies with John because he said Twilight's name, mistakes on my part because i was making the first part of the story, then jumped back being sleepy and tried to finish it.
so again, thank you for pointing out my mistakes, i will try to fix them though not now, i have a few job interviews with my name on them for the next few days. but it should be fixed by the weekend.