post celestial civil war ... [data courruption] Void NO FURTHER DATA.
A broken land, a shattered dream – only lingering ashes and faded memories hold the Dimension Walker back from despair. Its most recent effort at a new beginning was shattered after a foolish apprentice prematurely enacts a war that will destroy the world. So, in leaving the world, what will be found in the next universe? Will it be a paradise? Or a nightmare? Only the tides of time shall tell.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I have to say this is very good for your first fan fiction. I just have one suggestion. How about explaining a little bit about what is going on and why the leader was leaving. But I do enjoy the discriptivness.
316892 thanks for the compliment, note to self do not leave the people suspicious
of what was going on exactly in the story.
anyway which would you rather see a chapter explaning what happened to the group that was left behind or have it smply explaned in the next chapter?
your choice for now unless other people wish to join in with their thoughts eh?
cheers
anyway
317369 There should be a chapter about what happens to them. I know you don't want people to get suspicious about whats going on, but its good to have background on why things are happening. If you know what I mean
317464 understood but that chapter will not be in equestria so it'll probably be somewhere in the middle of the next few chapters before i make the one explaning what happens to the group and exactly why the creature had to leave. next chapter might be interesting might not
anyway I hope to get the next chapter finished sometime this week hopefully tonight if i can get away with it lol.
317506 Ok!
I especially enjoyed the dialect. Very old fashioned. Tried writing like that but failed miserably.
It seems to work for you! 
Keep it up
from the mention of the Kreegan I assume this is somewhat of a Might and Magic crossover? if so it's Erathia not Erothia and if you don't mind me asking is the POV character from the Heroes universe or the just Might and Magic universe? another thing is that your archaic speech is quite off grammatically, I would suggest looking at the conjugations of German since it is quite similar for many words
398598
thanks for letting me know. but really i'm not really well taught on german words think you could help a little on that, and you are right about the might and magic universe yes he's traveled through that one and quite a few others I just cant believe
'Erathia' I got the name wrong 
fixing it wright away. o and as for the words if you have any better ideas for them plz send.
I just hope to figure out how to make sensable working runic commands and such.
now to work on the next chapter
thanks for the insight!
398647 http://www.cambridgeclarion.org/gremple/german.verb.conjugation.html this link should help you with it, your main problem is the conjugation of the verbs
398718
says the page does not exist. alright gonna have to search for it manually
stupid verbs http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d7LeVgyJAok&feature=related.
Hello, Xaldon. I saw this and thought I would give it my two cents.
You're at 12,000 words. You're really serious about this, I can tell. You've put a fair bit of time into making this, and I imagine you want it to be as good as possible. That said, I could extend a few pointers to you, since you said this was your first attempt at fanfiction.
1) The author's notes at the beginnings or ends of the chapters. Personally, I've never condoned author's notes, as they can appear unprofessional, and more importantly, they disrupt the reading experience. That's one of the most important things to bear in mind while writing: Don't remind the reader that they're reading a story. Ideally, the reader is so engrossed in the story that they forget it's just text on a page or computer screen. Anything that reminds them where they really are is bad, because it breaks the immersion and they have to work to get themselves back in again. For this reason, stories should easy to just pick up and start reading. Author's notes get in the way of that. If you absolutely must include the notes, then I would put it in the long summary, especially since its approximately the same message every time and doesn't need to be repeated.
2) Spelling and grammar. This goes hand in hand with the breaking the immersion I mentioned above. Writing that has spelling errors or difficult-to-parse grammar runs the risk of distracting the reader. We want the reader to be focusing on the story, not on how words are spelled or how sentences are arranged. I know that often it can be difficult to spot the mistakes in one's own writing; people point out mistakes I've made in my stories all the time. It's difficult to eradicate them all. But since other people are more likely to notice these errors, it's important to have an editor of proofreader. (For example, I have about four friends that proofread all of my chapters before I upload them to fimfiction. Even the five of us working together aren't able to catch everything, but the input of four other people will always make writing better and will never make it worse. I would strongly encourage you to have someone, particularly another writer, to proofread your chapters for you.
3) It's a crossover, I think? Some googling revealed that the names of some of your characters match names from "Heroes of Might and Magic." I am not familiar with those games, so I don't know if you're using them for inspiration or not. However, if your story is a crossover, it is not clearly identified as such. There is a tag for that you can use. When I started reading the story, I was very confused because you used a lot of terms that weren't being described or elaborated on. Being cryptic is fine, but being obfuscating and vague results in confusion, not intrigue. Intrigue is good. Confusion is not. Don't assume your reader knows what you're talking about. (If the reader isn't supposed to know what you're talking about, then tread carefully and make sure what you've written is intriguing instead of confusing. Feel free to ask your proofreaders about it. They're good for more than just grammar; they're a second opinion.
4) You have a character named after your account name. I'm not saying anything about the character Xaldon, but if he has that name, lots of people are going to assume he's a Mary Sue without giving him a second glance.
I wish you the best of luck with this story. I know you care about it and have put a lot of effort into it, but as it stands it has multiple factors weighing it down and discouraging readers from getting into it. I strongly suggest you take the above points into consideration.