Hi, my name is Jacob Lee. My life up until 7 months ago was pretty normal. Than I decided to buy some weird voodoo doll thing. Nothing big, but my friends were kinda encouraging me to buy it even though the vendor said it was "cursed." Like a bunch of teenagers would believe something like that. Maybe if they weren't selling it this wouldn't have happened. Well because of that dumb purchase, I am now in Equestria. And I'm a pegasus. Could have been worse, I guess. I could have just died instead.
Chapters (1)
Unfortunately, we're not that lucky.
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ZING! Somebody is going to need some ice for that burn.
You summarise what looks like a better story with your introductory exposition, in order to rush to the mind numbing drabness of 'OC doing cliche OC stuff' that makes up the filler in most peoples' HiE transformation stories. I've read high quality, genuinely interesting Slice of Life fics, including one featuring Pinkie watching paint dry, and another with Tony Stark going to Target with Pepper Potts. This is not one of those fics. This is the pony equivalent of anime filler episodes, and as such I feel it needs... life, honestly. It's not just that there's nothing to grab my attention, the opening exposition just kills my interest entirely and is followed by the same damn 'Omg, OC can do/nearly do Sonic Rainboom!' shtick we see so often from poorly realised OC pegasi.
You need to write an opening that doesn't include massive blocks of exposition, and if you absolutely have to include that, it needs to be really damn good. As in, the character doing the exposition needs to absolutely bleed through from the page, and make the reader care about the events with their unique voice. It's like movie voiceovers. You get someone like Samual L Jackson or Jeremy Irons to read it, because they have charisma the comes through via the text. Your characters need that charisma, if they're going to exposit at length. Other than that, OCs attempting rainbooms casually is so incredibly cliche now. Can you come up with some better interests for your OC that don't hedge in on RD's turf so much? Also, his explanation for his transformation sucks hardcore. As in, it's the mother of all Dei-ex-machina, followed by a collective shrug and him getting shunted off to Ponyville. It's not in the slightest bit believable, which kills any interest that survived the tidal wave of concentrated beigeness that is the introduction. There's just... nothing. The story opens, exposits at breathtaking speed over some stuff I'd rather read about, and then dumps the pacing in a tar pit. Notice how the chapter seems to end for no particular reason. Stuff happens and then the chapter ends.
People on my chat finally managed to sum it up in a way I can't, because I'm incredibly tired right now: lack of compelling narrative. Write a more interesting plot idea, please.
Edit: It strikes me that you should have continued this until you reached a more natural point to cut the chapter, and laid the groundwork for the beginning of a plot along the way. As it is, it's difficult to discern the point of these events in light of you robbing the story of all drama via too much exposition. There's no plot, because the scene feels half-done and completely disconnected from the events of the exposition. If you told me the pegasus in the latter half was a different pegasus from the one in the introduction, I would have no problem believing that. Something needs to happen, and it needs to put the characters in an interesting situation or state. Normally the arrival of a human will do this just fine, but you've already glossed over that, so give your readers a reason to care.
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Or, you know, you could have made all that exposition part of the story. Make a narrative out of it instead of a list of stuff that happened.
Stop right there.
...damn it.
You know what would be nice here? A reason why. And if it's a holiday, how about telling us what it's called and what it celebrates?
I think you left off the end of.
Don't care.
Boy, if I had a nickel for every time a self-insert OC had a sudden, inexplicable mood swing...
And? You're closing on that? You should have either stopped your chapter just before your protagonist arrived at the bakery, or (better yet) extended it so there could be an actual conversation with Pinkie Pie.
3525254 Oh my fuck...that profile pic.
Reminds me of my reaction to this story.
Looking at my post now that I've had some sleep, and Jesus fuck was my post a rambling, incoherent mess compared to my usual output. TL;DR: your plot is dull; you exposit too much to make anything interesting; your OC is a cardboard cutout; it's riddled with OC cliches; lastly, you cut the chapter at a random and unnatural point, making the narrative seem baffling and without a coherent meaning. Stuff happens, and we don't know why we should care.
Meh, cliché and boring.
The MC is a bland shell, my toaster look more alive than him.