Playing along with a hooded stranger sends Gerald to live in Equestria. The only question is: why? Choosing to stay in Equestria rather than go back to his old life, Gerald adapts to his new life with his new family.
Chapters (3)
- Member Since 6th Nov, 2013
- offline last seen May 12th, 2023
bonejar69
like most things that i like, my friends bribed me into watching it. and now, seeing how many stories they write (not exactly mlp stories), i must now make a contribution to the community
bonejar69
Joined 6th Nov, 2013 ·
Offline
Also LikedSimilarAuthor
- StormHoof32 · 19k words · 210 6 · 3.3k views
- Honored Service · 98k words · 1,390 91 · 21k views
- DiscordsAdvocate · 49k words · 146 8 · 3.8k views
- HAZESHIFT · 216k words · 1,253 138 · 27k views
- Jimbob · 74k words · 370 34 · 8.1k views
- Mr Curious Writer · 349k words · 318 28 · 12k views
- Commander_Pensword · 2.8m words · 551 69 · 20k views
- Alphadud · 81k words · 383 45 · 8k views
Featured In1
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Join our SubscribeStar to remove these adverts!
Stats
Page generated in 0.063 seconds
Total duration
674 users online
775,713 hits today, 2,073,628 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Ok, the MC is unrelatable and uninterresting.
We don't know anything about him, he don't care about being in a new world, being the only human here, and being talked by mythical talking beast.
He don't struggle at anything, everyone love him right from the start, Celestia don't give a fuck about his presence, and ...
WTF ? The guy is in Equestria for one hour, tell them a pseudo-sob story and they all want to be his familly ? You really need to work about the cradibility of the story, and the pacing, it's way too fast and improbable.
>mfw human is taken from home and dumped in Equestria by mysterious hooded figure
>mfw human has no reaction beyond "lolwat"
>mfw romance tag
>mfw complete in 5k words
No. No no no no NO!. I'm sorry good sir, I usually try to refrain from being rude when commenting, but this shit right here? No. Infinite quantities of no. Unless you are the God of Literature, you can't write a believable romance in so few words.
The MC shows not even the bear minimum of a personality (the soulless automaton must be vanquished!). He isn't the least bit bothered by some dude in a hood asking about how he felt about the world. Hell, if someone told me they were sending me to another one, I'd easily mistake that as some euphemism for killing me. In other words, I'd flip the fuck out.
The first contact (which is one of my favorite parts in HiEs) is so rushed I gave myself whiplash while reading. Neither Twilight nor our protagonist show any of surprise or fear towards this mysterious being before them. They just accept it. Like, what the fuck even? Very unbecoming of a scientist, Twi. I am disappoint.
Sorry, I'd go into more details on why this story pisses in my cereal in seven different flavors (do you even know what that tastes like? Seven different kinds of piss?), but I have class in about thirty-minutes. My advice? Read. Either it's fanfiction, or published novels, read some quality stuff. Take pointers and whatnot, and try again.
I usually take offense at criticism but seeing as how I expected this to be, oh how shall I say it? TOTAL CRAP! I can sit back, laugh, and be like "lol I needs better writing skills" and then put the lessons I learned into the next one and the next one and the next one until I finally make something that makes people 'round the world smile. I thank you for criticism and I do promise to apply it in future stories and possibly rewrite this one