Ghastly Gorge
It was early morning celestia was just starting to raise the sun. Only one pony was awake it was the joyful party pony, Pinkie Pie but her mane was flat as if it were a popped balloon. She just finished sealing an envelope labeled 'Goodbye' and she left without a word.
After the sun rose Rainbow Dash headed to Sugar Cube Corner to see if Pinkie Pie was up. "Hey Mrs. Cake is Pinkie Pie here?" Asked Rainbow Dash.
"Well I think she’s here I haven't heard her leave, come to think of it I haven't heard her at all" Mrs. Cake said to Rainbow Dash "Well since your here can you go up there and check on her?"
"Sure thing" and with that Rainbow Dashed up the stairs (no pun intended). Rainbow opened Pinkie's door and yelled "Hey Pinkie you ready to go...' but she trailed off when she saw that Pinkie wasn't there. Rainbow noticed the envelope Pinkie's bed "Hey what's this" Dash said thinking out loud she opened the envelope and read it.
I have left and I’m not coming back I’m sorry especially to you Rainbow Dash that I cancelled our plans again for pulling pranks on Ponyville I’m heading out to Ghastly Gorge and I’m going to jump so I will no longer have to fake a smile don’t feel bad girls even if you had known I was sad you couldn’t have helped. I’ve lost friends each party I throw is to bury the sadness so at noon it will be goodbye cruel world friends and all
Your friend,
Pinkie Pie
"Oh no" Dash muttered as she looked out the window "No time to tell the others Noon's in a few minutes"
With that she was gone racing to Ghastly Gorge where the competitor was time and Rainbow Dash was losing. Just the gorge was in Dash's sight the sun reached its peak and Pinkie was about to jump so Rainbow Dash dived straight for the ground.
Sitting at the edge of Ghastly Gorge sat Pinkie Pie looking up at the sky and when the sun reached its peak she slid off the edge of the gorge to the rocks below and as she fell Pinkie saw a Rainbow charging straight down and said "Goodbye Rainbow Dash" and then she saw the sonic rainboom that which filled her with joy so long ago brought only deep sadness now.
Rainbow could now see Pinkie Pie and knew that she couldn’t save her but she didn’t stop she kept going if anything she would make sure that Pinkie knew someone cared about her. Rainbow Dash came so close but she wasn’t quick enough to save Pinkie Pie. Rainbow landed a few feet from where Pinkie hit the ground and walked over to Pinkie's lifeless body and knelt down crying and asked "Why did you do it Pinkie? Why?"
That night was the Funeral everyone but Rainbow Dash was there. After the funeral Fluttershy went to Rainbows cloud home "umm...rainbow dash are you here?" She said in a quiet voice
"Yes I'm here Fluttershy what is it?" Rainbow dash responded
"Well...umm...it’s just that me and the others wanted to know why you weren't at pinkie pie's funeral" fluttershy told her
"I couldn't handle seeing one my best friends put six feet under, Fluttershy whenever I’m ready for the goodbye I’ll go to her grave, okay but until then I want to be alone okay"
"Okay goodbye rainbow dash" Fluttershy turned around and started to leave but then stopped and turned to Rainbow Dash "oh... I twilight told me to give this to you" but rainbow dash had already covered up and gone to sleep so Fluttershy just set a box down next to Rainbow Dash's bed and left.
Rainbow Dash woke up and saw the box. Rainbow Picked up the box and when she saw what was its contents she burst into tears for the content was necklace with a balloon in the middle Pinkie Pie's element of harmony, laughter. She got out of bed she was ready to say the final goodbye she went to pinkies grave stone which read
I leave you now, my friend and all
Knowing full, your tears will fall
But give me a smile, as bright as can be
Through sorrow just smile, if only for me
Out
"Well Pinkie Pie you want a smile I'll try" Rainbow said "I'll miss you but you wouldn't me to mourn forever, would you?"
She asked as if she would receive an answer. Rainbow Dash smiled but she also cried "They say Goodbyes are never easy. Now I know what that really means. The final goodbyes are never easy, Pinkie Pie but I'll try... I can't do it, I’m sorry but I’m not ready"
Then Rainbow Dash heard a voice, the voice was Pinkie Pie's it told Rainbow Dash "It's Okay Dashie take your time and when you’re ready say goodbye but until then smile and spread some joy make others laugh because when you smile the world smiles back at you"
"Okay I will Pinkie" and with that Rainbow Dash flew away smiling ready to spread some joy she had a lot of work to do and she told herself she would not be lazy this time so she convinced the others to help her throw a farewell party to show that there was still joy left and because Rainbow Dash felt the only way she could say goodbye was a party. Everyone came to the party and had a great time and afterward Dash headed back to the grave stone and was ready to say good bye.
END
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please write more
3374001 Brain, why do you feel the need to correct all the grammar mistakes.
Seriously though this is the worst grammar I have ever seen in a story and it feels a bit rushed as well. Just so you know.
Yes it made it my first story dont be to harsh
3374027 thank you for bringing that to my attention im an ADHD child i cant keep my focus and english is my worst subject
3374034 is the description better now
3374205
Yes, It is better.
Ill try it, I guess...
3374346 SPOILER ALERT DAT
BRO SOME OF US HAVEN'T REACHED THE ENDING
3374160 I'm an ADHD child too. English is my most hated subject as well. But It's no excuse. If you want your story to be heard and appreciated you have to work harder. If it means so much to you, you will spend that extra hour, two, three hours, however long, to edit your story.
Just because we have ADHD doesn't mean we have to make it our excuse to not write well. It might be harder, but you know when you publish a fic that you tried your hardest and put your heart into it.
With that said, this story does need a lot of help with its grammar and sentence structure. I'm an editor, and I'd like to help you. Will you let me help you?
Sob
3374412 thank you for your advise and i dont hate english i love that class im just no good at it i read the thing twice it seemed fine
3374412 and help would be great
3374522 i know how you feel i cried writing it
Let me just say something to the people giving negative feedback I dont give a sh*t so stfu
Fun fact Rainbow Dash is in the picture above the ear top cloud zoom in
3374780 you're welcome
oh, I guess I wasn't specific, derp, I love English. I love reading and analyzing the things we read and doing all sorts of fun projects, but when it comes to writing essays... I suck. So English hates me. I get that feeling, you love something so much, yet you just can't seem to do it.
hmm, you may have "story in my head" syndrome. In your head the story works out brilliantly, you can see how everything plays out perfectly. so when you write it, some important stuff that you already know gets left out. That's why when you go over it, it seems fine. you have to read what you write like you have no idea what it is.
Like I said, I'd love to help, but we need a starting point. Do you have a gmail account, where we could possibly share a gdoc? (so its easier to communicate and edit at the same time) Why don't you send me a private message.
3375852 look i indirecly borrowed stuff from othe fanfiction the loss of a friend is the reason http://www.deviantart.com/morelikethis/291357753 watch
3374013 i might
3379973 ok
3374346 thats not wrong i take great joy from seeing cupcakes
It's pretty good for your first time. However, you need to jump into the character. Do what they do. Think what they think. Feel what they feel. Look in their eyes. It makes the story more realistic and capturing. You don't have to take my advice if you don't want to, though. It's your story, after all. I think I might try my first story sometime soon. Keep writing more! I'll be waiting! DON'T LEAVE, PINKIE PIE!!!
3452635 despite my username im a sick minded bastard
3474458 i had an image like that in my head
3374205
*eye twitch*
i39.tinypic.com/24noen9.png
Guess who was just about to read the story..
3562900 dude i did not delete that comment i sware it wasnt me
3771998
..The ownly two people who CAN are you and me sooo
3772479 i leave my account logged on when i get on a computer so any one who got on this site on the same computer as me could have done it
Stuuuupid, this is so stuuuuupid, this is so stuuuuuuuupid, what in the fuuuuuck!
The amount of grammar and spelling mistakes made me sick to my stomach
. Get the editor and proofread you so desperately need.
4157871 i plan on it next time but you dont have to be such a dick
4153624 your a dick
4154835 i under stand that i have an editor now and yeah i am a prick to people who go out of their way to give hate comments
4159153
Sir, have you heard of a mythical concept known as English Class? Quite wonderful, really.
You don't care, so you're taking time out to call us all dicks?
Nice job there buddy.
I cried reading it. In fact, I cried for two days. It sucked so much it hurt my eyes.
3374412
3374412
Hands clapping so fucking loud for this! Well put.
So, I have a rule that if I down vote a story and dislike it, I usually explain why I did and give tips on how the writer can improve it. I was about to do so, when I saw that (a) some comments were deleted, and (b) these:
3374828
4159153
Listening to negative feedback is part of being a writer. People telling you what is wrong with a story is just as important as telling you what is good in it. Deleting there comments and "being a prick" proves that you don't care about improving in writing and just want someone to kiss your ass, and if that is so, then you are writing for the wrong reasons.
Anyways, I'm not going to bother putting why I down voted this since you'll just either delete the comment or ignore my opinion.
4162812 you misunderstand i am improving as we speak im writing another story and did you read sigmas comment if not do so now i dont like that kind of negative comments yours and insanitycorps are acceptable if someone goes out of there way to say something like sigma did then i get pissed off if someone is correcting me im ok with it
4164753
I know. I read Sigma's comments. I'm also a colleague of his on Rage Reviews, and while I am going to admit he could have put it more eloquently, he does have a point. This story is seriously flawed at the core level. Even if he was just trolling (which he isn't judging from past experience as well as a first hand reading of this fic), part of being a writer is just ignoring any insults thrown at your work and digging deep enough into them to salvage useful information.
That said, you've proven you're at least not hostile to the point of deletion of my comment, so I will give a short critique of the holes that I see that need patching.
First, there's the grammar. This is pretty erroneous on sentence structure and spelling, but others have mentioned that so I won't harp on it. Besides a good proof reading team will fix that.
Second, the pacing. This is so terribly rushed. Hell, the first paragraph alone could be a whole damned chapter if written well. If you don't take time to let your scenes breathe, then we don't have time for the characters or scenes to develop, and then we don't have any attachment to them, which makes the whole slog boring.
Third, characters. There is a lack of them. These characters are written so wrong relative to their canon personality. Take Pinkie for instance. Why is she sad? Well, it never directly says. It just says she didn't want to go on smiling, and for her to commit suicide, it has to be a far better reason than that. I said something related to this in the comments of the rage review.
That's about it that I can think of. I also understand that you are ADHD, and believe me, I feel you. I was much worse about it in my childhood, though I've learned to control my attention and hyperactivity. However, just because you have it doesn't give you a free pass for these errors. ADHD is surmountable and, if you really love to write, you will give the effort to overcome it and write well. Just keep fighting.
4159464
this is gonna be the highlight of my entire week now.
That is an awesome song, and I need I go buy it on iTunes now, thanks for showing it to me.
4162761
I feel so good about myself right now
4165235 ok if i deleted those comments it was an accident and im sorry im going to delete this story its just becoming a bad memory which is hurting my self esteem
3379986 good news your my favorite person so im going to tell you this im writing another story
4165382 ok and yay
4165391 just be patient
4165551 ok