“My my, you’re still at it? I’d’ve thought you would have this all wrapped up by now, being a big, powerful dragon and all.”
“Discord!” Spike shouted at the miniature draconequus that had just appeared on his shoulder, his eyes and claws still on the griffons attacking him, “What are you doing out here?! You know you’ve been barred from—”
“I’m not fighting,” Discord snapped, casually glancing at his talons as his legs and paw stuck to Spike’s neck and shoulder by suction cups. “Do you see me fighting? I don’t see me fighting.”
“Then what are you doing out here?!”
“I just thought I’d give you a little moral support. And I figured you’d like to know that Cotton is very happy to see you and Tia over there doing so well.”
“What?! How does she… you,” Spike deadpanned, smacking another griffon with his wing.
Discord smirked. “Gracious, you’re learning. Oh my, we can’t have that.”
As Spike slashed at two separate griffons with his claws, Discord pointed his own claw at a third griffon rushing into Spike’s unguarded side with his sword drawn. With a snap of his talons, Discord turned the sword into a bouquet of dandelions, and the griffon instead just thumped right into Spike’s scales, dazed. Spike quickly turned and slammed the griffon to the ground with a clenched fist.
“Discord…I’m warning you,” Spike growled.
“Yes, sir,” Discord responded, holding his tail up to his forehead in a salute before snapping his claw at another griffon down below.
Getting a quick glance at where Discord had pointed, Spike saw a drenched griffon running around with a bucket on its head. “I still consider dumping a bucket of water on their heads an unprovoked attack.”
“Oh please, you know he was going to come after you anyway. Consider it a premeditated defensive maneuver.”
With a huff, Spike responded, “Yes, yes, no nation ever attacks another nation. We all just defend ourselves. Vigorously.”
“I appreciate the distinction,” Discord said, whacking another approaching griffon with a pillow full of quacking ducks.
“Discord!”
“What? It was a down pillow!”
Spike couldn’t help but chuckle. “Only you would use a loophole like that. I’ll have to ask Luna and Celestia if they approve.”
“Oh please, like they would approve anything. They were no fun when I fought them over a millennium ago, either. I had to beat them the dull way.”
“What are you talking about?” Spike snorted, kicking a griffon into the stratosphere. “You lost to them, y’old drac.”
“I held my ground, thank you very much,” Discord retorted, forcefully breathing out a huge cloud of laughing gas at some approaching griffons, causing them to stop in midair and laugh uncontrollably before they started falling to the ground. “Even if said ground was five miles in the air and rotating on its w-axis.” Rolling his eyes, he conjured a little pond underneath them for the griffons to fall into so he could avoid a beratement.
Hearing the splash, Spike said, “Gave ‘em a little cushion, eh? I’d say you’ve gone soft in your old age, but you did spend a thousand years of them in stone.”
“You’re one to talk,” Discord scoffed. “You spent your first twenty years wearing frilly aprons and serving tea and cakes for your princess friends.” After watching Spike slam another griffon with his wing, he conjured an exact replica of the wing and ricocheted the griffon off to Trottingham.
“Like you never put on an apron and used a feather duster to the benefit of those princesses. Besides, those aprons were very slimming!” In the middle of their banter, Spike managed to get a look below them on the field. “Discord, as much fun as this is, if you really want to be useful, then go help them.” He pointed down at two armored unicorns with red crosses on their crests galloping toward the castle, each of them with two groaning soldiers hovering next to them.
Discord scowled. “Now why would I want to help cowards retreating from battle? If anything—”
“Those are the medics, Discord.”
Discord’s muzzle hung open in the middle of his sentence for a moment, then he pushed his jaw back upward to meet the rest of his face. After crossing his arms and grumbling for a moment, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “Okay, I guess I could do that.”
“Good. Get on it.” Spike took another quick look at the battlefield below, still slashing at griffons as they approached. “There are plenty of soldiers who need help.”
After scratching his chin a moment, Discord said, “Well then, time for a bit of a mass evacuation.”
After the suction cups on his legs and paw vanished, Discord floated in midair for a moment before he snapped both his claw and paw, releasing a blinding light. After all the remaining griffons and battling ponies rubbed the light out of their eyes and continued fighting, Spike looked down and saw that all the injured pony soldiers had teleported off the field.
Ж
“Discord, not again!” Tasty Twist huffed as Discord popped into the kitchen for the second time, reaching for Cotton’s platter of cookies.
“I did not take them, it’s not true! It’s horseapples, I did not take them! I did not. Oh hi, Cotton,” Discord said before he grabbed an armload of cookies and vanished in a flash.
Cotton lifted herself from her forearms just in time to see the flash. “W-was that Uncle Discord?” she asked with a sniffle.
“Yes, it’s the second time he’s made off with some of your cookies,” Tasty Twist grumbled, pointing at the table-bowl the draconequus had created, which held a substantially smaller number of cookies than it did previously. “He just did it about three minutes ago.”
After a low growl, Cotton mumbled, “Dammit, Unc.” After wiping her nose with her hoof, she groaned. “Crap.” She walked back over to the sink and washed her hooves before she got ready to make more dough. Turning from the sink, she finished drying her hooves when Discord appeared again. “Unc, what’re you—”
She cut herself off as he reached for the cookies again.
“Unc! Don’t—”
“Cotton!” Discord gasped, holding his paw to his chest. As a frilly dress and a long, curly blond wig appeared on him, he put the back of his claw to his forehead. “What a dreadful thing to say!”
Cotton cocked a brow. “What—”
“I am not taking these cookies and imbuing them with healing spells for the medics to give to the injured soldiers in the repurposed ballroom! How dare you accuse me of such a terrible deed!” He then grabbed another armload of cookies and vanished.
Cotton stood with her bloodshot eyes glazed over, staring at the cookie bowl. “…Oh.” After a moment, she shook her head and let out a single chuckle. “That’s actually a really good idea. C’mon, Twist, let’s keep going.”
Tasty Twist nodded. “I feel bad for yelling at him now.”
Just then, they heard a terrifying roar from outside.
Ж
Putting up a shield in her aura to protect herself from the advancing griffons, Celestia turned around to see Spike plummeting to the ground, a harpoon sticking out of his left side between two thick armored plates.
“Spike!”
That single moment made her accidentally drop her shield, giving her griffon opponents an opportunity to strike. Wincing as she took a sword slice to her foreleg, she managed to put up another barrier spell and get a look back at Spike, but she found his descent had stopped just before he hit the ground; he had been caught by a giant stretcher made of taffy and bat wings. Celestia then found herself teleported down next to said stretcher, Discord hovering right above the ground in front of her.
“Discord! What are you doing out here?! We—”
“Take him,” Discord said sternly, pointing at Spike, who lay atop the stretcher. “Now. He’s not responding. You tend to him, I’ll take care of the rest. This is going to be the shortest war in Equestrian history.”
Celestia huffed. “Discord, we’ve told you—”
“I don’t care what you’ve told me,” Discord retorted, his brows furrowed. Celestia had no time to react before he continued, “Those birdbrains do not.
Hurt.
MY!
Celestia blanched as Discord planted his feet to the ground, literally fuming as he began rapidly growing in size and fearsome countenance, knocking aside griffons as he went, some of them bursting into flames as he pointed his talons at them before they fell to the ground in large plastic casings held closed by labels reading ‘Freshly Roasted, 10 bits.’ He then proceeded across the field, attacking any other griffon in sight. Before grasping Spike’s stretcher in her aura and rushing him to the castle, she flew up above the castle’s highest point as fast as she could and shouted in the Royal Canterlot Voice.
“All forces, Protocol Pandemonium! I repeat, Protocol Pandemonium!”
Oh Crap!!!
SH!T STORM INCOMING!!!!!
Oh no, there's 3 reasons you don't fuck with Equestria, and this is one of em! Also, I'm really hoping that Discord has something up his sleeve that can save Steadclaw, pierced through the heart, or not.
They done pressed the discord button. Shouldn't ha done that.
9640769
depends if the object used to pierce the heart was removed or not, theoretically if your hearts strong and you keep the object in you can survive up to thirty minutes.
Oh hi mark
9640758
In Discord's case, that might actually be more literal than expected.
On the other hand, I'm really surprised Spike got skewered. You'd think dragon scales would be better than that, short of some magic mcguffin.
You don't mess with Discords friends.
Roasted 10 bits at EquestCo.
git me GIT EM GOOD!
So much for the political correct war we wanted
Break out the Apple tanks
General Apple Bloom "The oven mitts are off! Time for a real war"
169th Smores at your service
Dem birbs are dead
they broke the 13th commandment..... THOU SHALT NOT PISSTH OFF DISCORD, HE WILLTH FUCKTH THEE UP
Oh, you...
media.giphy.com/media/bTvKRBBaMmb04/giphy.gif
What about Steadclaw?
Oh no. DISCORD IS PISSED NOW!!!!
Here comes chaos.
That movie is terrible
Anytime I read about Discord doing something like this, I always imagine him as how he looked in PONY.MOV
Protocol Pandemonium?! Oh shitsnacks!
9640800 9640872 9640900
You have no idea how happy I am that people got that reference.
I actually haven't seen the movie (I did buy it, I just haven't watched it yet), but I did see The Disaster Artist.
Oh crap it is on
From comments, I see that line is a reference to The Room. On first reading it, I thought it was a Dr. Seuss joke.
All I will say is the griffons were lucky it was spike and not fluttershy they hurt, because this would be so much worse for them. (IK shy isn't in this because of time frame but my point still stands)
9640837
you have to remember, his scales have to be loose enough to allow him to move, so there is tiny gaps between them, hit that gap just right...…..
Griffon General: "Okay set the alarm to code brown, because I need to change my pants."
9640769
I'd argue there's a hell of a lot more than 4 reasons.
9641331
I said there were THREE reasons. Not four.
9641344 Doesn't change the fact I still think there's a hell of a lot more than 5 reasons.
9640953
I didn't really see it either, not the whole thing anyway. I saw the Nostalgia Critic review and the CinemaSins video
9641355
Name three that are on par with the Sun, the Moon, and a God of infinite power that doesn't have to follow the laws of reality. Because I feel like you can't GET better reasons than those three.
9641428
Well I said "there's a hell of a lot more than 4" (3 or 4 whatever) as in I feel like there's a lot more than just three, not "better than those three" as in those three aren't the best (cause they pretty much are).
But for more reasons we have:
Magical blue flowers that can cripple any army with a little crop dust off them over the battlefield.
The entrance to the darkest prison on the planet whose world conquering inmates were put there by Equestrian's.
Cataclysmic level dark spells that when pressed could be fell back on. (I.e. anything in Sombra's/Celestia's library)
Don't remember if she's in this story but Starlight Glimmer alone made a spell that could rewrite history.
Also the entirety of the reformed Changlings, the Dragon Lord's forces, etc.
If you've never read it I'd suggest looking up "A Letter to the Griffon Emperor on the Matter of War" It's hilarious and yes Celestia, Luna, and Discord are on the list.
I'm rather surprised Discord stayed it for so long. Then again you can probably blame at least part of the attack on the fact the Griffins knew they wouldn't have to face Discord
Now we see what happens when the Spirit of Chaos gets serious.
9641542
I'd like to add two potential reasons.
1: In times past, America attempted to make what can only be described as a "gay bomb", that would make anyone affected by it ridiculously randy to the point where any hole would have been a goal. This was back before some countries had women serving in them.
Cadence, as the Alicorn of Love could in theory produce a similar effect.
2: Every race has to have magic or be dependent on magical technology. Twilight, as the Alicorn of Magic, could shut down ALL magic in an area. If you are wondering how bad that could be, replace "magic" with "electricity" and apply to our world.
Fucking yeah! Going to be chicken on the menu to night.
The sad part is that Luna warned them about holding back. Unfortunately this is the result for do that in a war.
Hold on, Spike!
9643682
Don't forget Princess Sunset Shimmer, and SciTwi. Can bring over things that those peeps have no defense towards. And that's not counting 64+ years of technology.
While also adding the number of Alicorns to +2.
One who's a tech genius, like Twilight's a magic genius.
and
One who has Celestia's talent, but Luna's restraint.
This like code Corrupter from the Halo universe.
I love how he quoted Fluttershy.
Also jesus, those grifs are about to get wickety wacked.