Chapter Twenty-Five - The Market is Overrated
“So, Sir Spike, what is it that you exactly do at the Canterlot Archives? You know, many of us ponies didn’t even know you were in the city for the longest time; you never stepped hoof—er, claw outside of the castle. You adopted a daughter, correct? Is that what made you finally bring yourself out into the open?”
Spike deadpanned at the pony sitting across from him. “You’re really going to bring up the fact that I stayed in the castle for decades again? And why’re you asking me questions you know the answers to?”
“I’m trying to make small talk, Spike. It’s common on dates, you know.”
Spike sighed. “Yeah, I know. This just isn’t exactly what I had in mind when Twilight said she would set me up on a blind date.”
“Believe me, Spike,” Celestia responded, “I’m as surprised as you are.”
“I’m home!” Cotton called from the main hall.
“In here, sweetie,” Spike called back with a distinct lack of enthusiasm.
Cotton made her way into the dining room. “Yo Dad, you sound like—” She found her father and aunt not at the main banquet table, but a small, round one with a white tablecloth and a votive with a single daffodil in the middle. “Uhh… what’s going on here?”
“Your aunt Twilight set us up on a ‘blind lunch date,’” Celestia replied, holding back a smirk.
Cotton did not possess such restraint. “Wait, you’re actually going through with this, Dad?” she giggled.
“I’m humoring my sister. And you, for that matter—in the literal sense, apparently,” Spike responded, as Cotton held her hooves to her muzzle.
“O… kay! Ha ha ha!” Cotton laughed. She suddenly drew in a sharp breath with a wide grin in an attempt to keep her mouth shut.
“What?” Spike deadpanned at her.
“Just… just…” Cotton couldn’t hold it any longer. “Make sure you get checked first!” she burst out, galloping out of the room towards the stairway.
Spike’s eyes widened before he put his claw to his face and shook his head. “I set myself up for that.” Celestia put her hoof to her muzzle and snickered, her face tinting just a bit red.
“…Unless Auntie Tia is still preserving her virtue!”
The tint deepened to a dark crimson as Celestia’s own eyes widened. Spike tilted his head and cocked a brow at her. “Yes, I set myself up for that as well…” she admitted.
Ж
“I feel like I should be turning this ‘date’ into an interrogation,” Spike growled.
“But this is the perfect ‘date’ environment! A full moon, the open sky, these bright stars, a patio venue—”
“And an alicorn that seems intent on helping my daughter and her boyfriend get in bed together,” he snarled. “Now I need Nightshade to cover for me if Twilight insists on continuing this on their study days. What’s with all the meddling?”
“We… We blame Cadenza. She is a terrible influence on Us,” Luna replied.
“Yeah, I’ll bet. Why don’t you get an early start on your dreamhopping, and I’ll think about not flambéing you for trying to help Steadclaw get lucky,” Spike said, narrowing his eyes at her.
“Umm… Yes, We shall do that,” Luna responded quickly, teleporting away in a flash.
Ж
“Good, now Twilight’s set me up with the other pony I wanted to fla—talk to.”
“Oh, come on, Spike. Cotton’s a big girl. If she wants to have a little action, you should let her. Take it from the princess who’s in her element,” Cadance responded with a wink.
“Don’t you wink at me! I do not condone what you’ve been—”
“Now Spike, listen to me,” Cadance interrupted him casually. “When a mare has her sights set on something she wants, she’s more than likely going to get it.” She leaned forward on the table and batted her eyelashes. “Especially when she’s in the right mood.”
Spike’s narrowed eyes widened. “Are you… flirting with me?”
Cadance rested her chin on her hooves and lifted her eyebrows. “What if I am?”
“…You do remember that you’re married to my brother, right?” Spike asked her.
“Oh, I know, and Shiney’s still a sweetheart, even if he does only have one or two marbles left rolling around up there. He’s just… not as able as he used to be. I can’t get a rise out of him without a little blue pill. After that, though, I—”
“THANK YOU FOR YOUR PATIENCE AND DISCRETION!” Spike shouted over her, before beating his wings and flying back into the castle from the courtyard where they had been sitting.
Cadance smirked. That should keep me out of his crosshairs for a while.
Ж
What in Equestria was Twilight thinking? Is she getting back at me for something?
“RUTHERFORD HAD INTERESTING COLLEGE EXPERIENCE!!”
“Rutherford, you do understand that you’re married to my niece, don’t you?” Spike asked him.
“YAKS VERY OPEN-MINDED IN NEW PROGRESSIVE AGE!!”
“I’m sure you are,” Spike responded. He put a claw to his face and shook his head. I don’t know which is more awkward: being seduced by my sister-in-law, or hearing my yak nephew tell me he’s… open-minded.
“WHY DRAGON UNCLE LOOK UNCOMFORTABLE??”
Ж
“Ack! What’s this green stuff in my salad?”
“…That’s lettuce, Shining,” Spike responded.
“…Oh. Then what’s this little blue candy doing in here?”
Ж
Spike sat in the corner of Canterlot Memorial Gardens, a blanket spread out before him. After the gate to the gardens opened, he spotted an older mare walking toward him.
“Spike! How is everything? Is something the matter with Cotton? Last I heard from either of you, she was perfectly—”
“Everything is fine, Mother Matron,” Spike said with a small smile. “Cotton is doing quite well.”
Mother Matron sighed with relief. “That’s good to hear. When Princess Twilight contacted me and asked that I meet you here, I got worried.” She looked at the blanket laid out before her, with glowing crystals holding down the corners. She cocked a brow and asked, “If I may, what is this setup all about?”
Spike let out his own sigh. “My sister has been encouraging me to date again. She thought it would be best to ask somepony I already knew.”
Matron grimaced for a moment. “Uh, Spike… I may not wear my habit in my day-to-day life, but ponies address me as Mother Matron for a reason.”
Spike’s eyes widened for a moment before he covered his face with a claw.
Sweet Celestia, my sister set me up with a NUN. This is officially the bottom of the barrel, it can’t get worse than this!
Ж
A knock sounded on the door to Spike’s room. “Uh… Spike? We’re, uh… we’re done studying. So, well, here I am.”
Spike opened his bedroom door with a smile. “Well, Steadclaw, it looks like I can trust you to keep your word. Good. Come on in.”
Steadclaw walked through the giant double doors to find an elegant table setup, complete with a tablecloth, flower bouquet, and candles. “Uhhh… Spike? What’s this?”
Firmly shutting his door behind him, Spike replied, “We’re having a little date tonight, Steadclaw. I want to see how you treat my daughter when you take her out. Given what I’ve heard, you’ve set the bar pretty high. I want to see nothing less than your best. Sit,” he finished, gesturing to the single chair set up in front of the table.
As Spike moved back to the other end of the table, he lay down on his stomach and propped his head up to keep himself somewhere near Steadclaw’s eye level, while the tiercel shakily sat down in the offered chair. “Ummm…” Steadclaw began.
Spike cocked a brow and smirked. “Well? Go on.”
Steadclaw fidgeted in his chair. “Uh, Spike, I’m really uncomfortable with this.”
Letting out a snort, Spike replied, “Steadclaw, I’ve just put up with a week of uncomfortable dates. You can deal with it for one night.”
Ж
Spike lay outside an outdoor cafe in front of a table, taking up the entire patio. His date was 15 minutes late. Finally, a bright red pegasus mare with a long, black mane came up to the table.
“So, I hear you’re lookin’ for a date, honey,” she said to him.
“Yes, I am,” Spike responded. “Did the Princess talk to you about it?”
The mare leaned toward him and leered at him. “Sure, we can do a bit of princess roleplay, if that’s how you want it. For a stallion your size, though, it’ll be three-hundred bits an hour.”
Spike’s eyes bulged. With a beat of his wings, he soared into the air back toward the castle.
“NNNOPE!”
Ж
Once again sitting in the Canterlot Memorial Gardens, Spike looked at the pony sitting across from him. “Who’s watching the kids? You’re supposed to be helping them study!”
Twilight sighed. “They said they were all pretty confident about their science exam tomorrow. They have… flashcards,” she said as she looked down in dejection. “Nightshade is making sure they actually use them while I’m out with you.” Her mood lightened a bit with her next thought. “Speaking of which, your date with her last night must have gone pretty well. She couldn’t stop laughing when I asked her about it.”
After a moment, Spike narrowed his eyes at nobody. “Next time I see that mare, I’m going to find out what bat tastes like.”
Twilight waved a hoof at him. “Now Spike, she is watching the kids for us, so don’t be too rough with her.”
After his eyes widened for a moment, Spike closed them and shook his head. After opening them again, he glanced out toward the gates of the park, finding a fairly large number of ponies looking through the bars at him and Twilight with interest.
Glancing around at all the spying eyes, Spike shifted uncomfortably. Leaning forward, he asked, “Twilight, I understand wanting ponies to see me out and about, but do you think we could… move this somewhere a little more private?”
Twilight blushed. “Spike, I’m flattered, but… I don’t think I’m prepared to practice that part with you.”
Promptly rising from his seat, Spike turned around and smashed his head into a tree.
Ж
“Really?” the elderly mare sitting across from Spike at the outdoor cafe asked him. “Not that it isn’t nice to see you, Spike, but a date with your sister-in-law?”
Spike snorted. “Sweetie Belle, I’ve dated my other sister-in-law, my nephew, and even my own brother and sister. At this point, there’s only one line I haven’t crossed, and given that I almost did, I really don’t want to talk about it.”
Ж
Once again sitting on the patio of the outdoor cafe, Spike winced as an unknown beige unicorn mare with a teal mane approached him. “Hello, Spike.”
Once his simmering anxiety subsided after being addressed by his name, another thought came to him. “Uh, do I know you?” He kept his voice low, hoping not to cause any distress from the other patrons, like he had done the last time a random mare had approached him at this location.
“Oh come now, Spike. Don’t you recognize me?” The mare suddenly engulfed herself in green flames, revealing her true form from her hooves to her horn as she let out a maniacal laugh. The cafe patrons and employees all screamed and scattered, leaving the establishment empty, except Spike and his ‘date.’ After looking around for a moment, Chrysalis chuckled. “Still got it.”
Ж
“Thanks for the drop-off, Steadclaw! Tell your mom I said hi!” Cotton called over her shoulder as she closed the main hall door.
“Will do!”
Cotton let out a long, happy sigh. “Ahh, now THAT’S the way to end the school year. How could I put it… A bit of… sincerity, a bit of serenity, and a bit of stupidity!” she laughed. “Geez, that movie was dumber than ‘Oblivious’! I think…” She shrugged, then walked into the dining room and found her father sitting at the table, slumped over a bowl of gems. “Hey, Dad! Who was the lucky mare tonight?” she giggled.
“Keen Kifaliff,” he said through his chewing.
Cotton cocked a brow at him. “Who?”
Spike swallowed first, then repeated, “Queen Chrysalis.”
“Woah!” Cotton cried. “She came all the way from the Badlands?”
“Eyyup,” Spike replied, before grabbing another clawful of gems and shoving them in his mouth.
When he didn’t continue, Cotton waved her hoof in a circular motion. “Soooo? How’d it go?”
Spike swallowed his gems first, then answered, “I’m going to wait until you finish college to ‘go back on the market.’ It’s overrated anyway.”
Since there are many things I could say but won’t—most of them revolving around the fact that almost this whole thing is Crystal Moose’s fault 
—I really only have two notes I am going to make:
1) Yes, I know Rutherford is technically Spike’s nephew-in-law, but it just sounded too annoying to actually have it written. 
2) Moral of this chapter: Twilight is a terrible matchmaker. 
Stats
Page generated in 0.031 seconds
Total duration
668 users online
925,345 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
I am honestly thinking Twilight is trolling poor Spike.
8146642 no she took dating advice from Cadence and passed it on to Spike.
8146642 Most definitely, though it's nice to see that Chryssi only wishes to scare the ponies now.. and was open minded enough to actually come to a date with the dragon brother of one of her enemies at said enemies request.
8146679
Careful—this is an alt-U. Chrysalis isn't an enemy here (anymore). She signed a treaty with the princesses so that changelings could integrate into Equestrian society, hence the presence of Buzz and Flicka Ring in Upper Canterlot High (along with unnamed others). The transformation in the S6 finale never happened, so the changelings are still in their black, chitinous forms, and Thorax is the ambassador, not the new king.
Just in case it needed clarification.
But you're correct in saying that Chrysalis doesn't have any interest in conquest here.
8146679
It must have been a tuesday.
Oh c'mon. Princess Ember is the obvious choice.
8146694
Actually, it was a Thursday.
That is a great fic, though.
8146705
Which is exactly why she isn't there.
8146708
That was a good fic XD. I look forward to seeing your next chapter
. Although maybe Twilight's problem was that she was looking in Equestria. Her other Twilight and Sunset Shimmer are Alicorns. Bringing SciTwilicorn wouldn't be incest, and Shimmy Shakicorn would be hot (although maybe a little too hot to handle 
.).
You know, I'd find it hilarious if Princess Ember flew in for a visit, found out Spike was 'dating', got the definition of 'date' out of Twilight, and then told him that his giving her the Scepter at the Gauntlet of Fire technically betrothed them...and she was just very open minded about his time with Rarity.
I just realized this but isn't spike still like 20 feet tall, that would be like dating a human who's as tall as a lampost, everyone of those mares must truly be openminded.
8147093 maybe they all belive size is important.
Dasher I'm not so sure Twilight is a horrible match maker or the next trollestia after this chapter, Though I could have actually seen coming out of the sweetie bell date at least compared to the others
i would like to see what would happen to spike on date with mares he doesnt have any form of relation with. dealing with mare who want him for his satus to thrill seakers. Maybe even a female yak XP
You accidentally a word.
Go to church
8147539
Thank you!
8147543
NOT MY IDEA! BLAME THE MOOSE!
8147651
You enabled it.
8147733
If you mean Cady's segment, that was also his idea. If you mean the fact that I decided to actually include them at all, then yes, I plead guilty.
whelp, i'm glad twilights a terrible matchmaker, at least she's keeping spike from possibly making a mistake he'll live to regret. (don't get me wrong your writing was top shelf as ever and i look forward to the next chapter, but understand my fear here is to how spike well feel waking up in seven hundred years and looking back on his daughters relationship. i look forward to seeing what you have ins tore with optimism). honestly at this point i'm sure rarities ghost is sitting unseen giving him withering glares at this point.
8147748
The date with Shining
8147925
Oh no, I got that. I was just wondering in terms of the enabling, whether you meant Cadance's date leading to the extended joke in Shining's (both Moose's idea), or the fact that I actually included both segments in the story at all (obviously my doing).
8147955
The enabling of moose and his shenanigans
8147957
Ah. Well, this was originally his story, so if he puts in a request/suggestion for something, I usually humor him, no matter how ludicrous the suggestion may be.
8147962
Ah. Fair enough.
8147965
I have to admit, though, "Go to church" made me lmao.
Come now Spike, Chrysalis even started the date off with a laugh. Could have at least tried. Thou art not as amusing as thou hast been.
... Apologies if I just butchered that last line.
8153341
The difference is that that means, "You're not as funny as you used to be." 
Actually, that was just right!
And yes, he really should have given Chrysalis a chance, but there was only one drama queen that he was equipped to handle, and she was likely screaming that very thing at Chrysalis.
I think the dating problem has only two solutions:
1) Spike will skin an alicorn. Bookworms are evolved to getting beaten up by having bendy bones, fear of stones and muscules that will never tire. Oh, and superpony regeneration in case of Twily.
2) Twilight will exhaust the list of known ponies and Spike finally have a chance to hit it off with Ember once he finishes rasing Cotton.
Weeellllll.... Maybe Cotton will visit the Dragonlands. Meeting a dragon, possibly son of Ember might be fun.
8146689 Having Rutherford go on a date with Spike was great; having him then go on a date with Shinning, even better; then having Shinning talk about the "blue candy" was the best!
Well done sir, well done...
I choose to believe that Twi is setting him up with these horrible choices on purpose so when she sets him up with Steadclaw's mom it's the perfect date.
Loved everything about this chapter, especially, the moments when he was paired with an Alicorn, Steadclaw, the escort mare, and Chrysalis.
My preferred choices are, Celestia and Chrysalis!
8279418
Well what do you do when you see a camel.
8279458
...
I'm not sure if this is a genuine inquiry or the beginning of a riddle, nor how it ties in to the previous comment.
Inquiry: Befriend it.
Riddle: ...Hump it? ...I'm a terrible person.
8279489 Edit: Oh dammit, you were referencing the previous chapter! No wonder I missed that.
(Leaving the other answers to remind myself of my stupidity)
8279476
You're no fun anymore.
8279476
I was quoting the video where I will throw you under a camel.
8281252
Yeah, I got it. I was being an idiot. Mah bad.
My guess is methodical scientific progression.
...and also trolling.
That little bit with Shining was the best.
So what did Spike to to Twilight to deserve this?
9346567
One of lives great questions.
I'm getting the impression Senile Armor is afraid of the color green.
A C K
I officially love you more, Twilight.
Go on, Twilight, troll Spike more. Make him feel uncomfortable. My merriment demands it.
10024065
i.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/757/622/dff.gif