Dawn, brother and adopted son to Princess Celestia, was captured and cursed by Luna the night she turned against Celestia, hoping to create the immortal pony. As Luna was banished to the moon, Dusk fled the city as his mind suggested. He later found that there was a side-effect to the magic: it had created another pony in the process. His sister, Dusk, was created, and was cursed herself, only able to walk the world during night, while she resides in Dawn's mind during the day as an observer from his point of view. The story starts a short time before Luna's re-awakening, with events taking place all around Equestria. This story will be updated as I think up the story line and have time to write. This is usually updated weekly, most of the time on Fridays or Saturdays...
275624
Where do you see the errors, mostly in the prologue, or in the first couple chapters?
It's the quotations, isn't it?
Aside from the drama, I will be sure to watch my grammar a bit more. I'll be picking up one or two pre-readers from my school's brony group that are willing to help me out.
To all (of you three), thank you for the support, I hope to keep my release schedule and improve upon the story, both storyline and grammar-wise. I guarantee you, the story is far from over!
An excellent beginning :) I'll be following this with avid interest :D I find your choice of timeframe particularly intriguing. Most fic starts after the return, but having it right before is a very interesting point to have made.
When are they gonna meet celestia
too much suspense
D'awwwwww
You guys are in for a good Chapter 5 tomorrow...
280017
want more chapter
Man is this addicting
Keep at it sir
285212
Looks like the comment bug got to ya...
I can't wait till the story reaches "the point"
292565
The "point" where Dawn get's his sandwich?
lol, certain comments were removed after I removed the prologues...whoops!
Well, personally, I'm kinda happy those chapters are gone...they really didn't fit in much with the rest of the writing...
It's reaching "a point" man I can't wait! Keep at it
MOAR
Ha! When I her eyes turned blood red I assumed she was going to go dark pinkie on them
Very interesting choice of time, because if you play it right, you'll be able to play this directly into canon, like a between the scenes piece. Can't wait for more :D
Listen, Dawn. I know you're lonely, but remember our goal. You don't want to see her crumble into ashes before you. I can't have you in that hole again.
Since its Dusks thought, should be italicized no? Just a quick thing I noticed :)
Edit: Luna split off, looking for the pink... Shouldn't be luna
296012
Noted and fixed!
^_^ Also, your timing is impeccable lol. Had just caught up on last chapter when this one popped up :D
MWAHAHAHA! MISTRESS LUNA WILL ENSHROUD EQUESTRIA IN GLORIOUS NIGH-
...
Err, I mean... No, don't do that Luna! Apparently evil is a bad thing.
Liking where this is going. Very much. But Our Glorious Queen of The Night would never harm one of her beloved subjects! It must be an imposter! The Lunar Republic will not stand for this blasphemy! I must track this story further. For, eh... research purposes. Tracking blasphemers, that's it.
...
That sounds believable, right?
more cliffhangers
ugh
Owned Luna. Owned.
NO! MY GLORIOUS GUEEN! ARE YOU INJURED?
...
I let my crazy side overcome me last night, and now I'm only encouraging him. I think I'm allergic to cliffhangers, and that's what brings him out...
My posts will only get more incoherent from here, I'm afraid. Keep up the good work.
icanhascheezburger.files.wordpress.com/2010/03/funny-pictures-cat-has-writers-block.jpg
I made this chapter a bit longer than usual because you won't be getting them daily anymore...don't worry, all the new ones will be this long (or possibly longer
)
Yay :D Lovin it. The thought had crossed my mind from when he tried to kill himself how he was seeming to miss the whole point of being immortal, and looks like I was right. Quick healing from impossibly bad injuries is a part of him :D Wonder if she's already back in his head, maybe strengthening his recovery?
Gj for now
Keep at it please
You lied to me about the hiatus! I am okay with this, though. At least it wasn't a Pinkie Promise, you'd be a dead man
Keep up the good work!
310121
I never said how long the hiatus was going to be for
Note: Edited Chapter 10: Changed instances of Ditzy to Dinky...
I could've left it
, but meh, wanted to somewhat stick to the median fanon...
I expected Celestia to come
Me too 331224
Anyway good chapter nonetheless
29.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lltzgnHi5F1qzib3wo1_400.jpg that's a nice chapter you got there!
Have staches!
331224
myfacewhen.net/uploads/55-oh-you.jpg
Wow. 1st chapter and their already doing something they can be executed for. Tracking this!
Twice now today. I checked out fimfic, saw a tracked chapter update, and arrived to find I was the first view there
. I need to get a life, I am glued to my F5 key...
Dun dun duuuuun :) This'll be an interesting reunion, to say the least. Not to mention the eventual reunion with them and the harmonized Luna.
GOD
DAMN IT
MOTHER
CLIFFHANGERS
Z;OORYHZYJREFGBUHZ8IDRNJ
What IS his cutiemark anyway
Gah, I hate cliffhangers. It's a good chapter though.
Since you said you didn't make an image for Dawn or Dusk, I wanted to see if I could make Dawn(more or less because I was board and had nothing better to do)
So if you wanna take a look at what I interpret Dawn to look like here's his code
3O400P7210EDEDEDFFC49D002002664B56O1838404000000N1D8C741CCB3371D107F3FCC004CB2
Since you never gave a hair color I just matched Prince Blueblood's style(although I feel that is probaly not right)
I didn't make Dusk since she is pro trade to look like Luna
359402
Just throwing something back, He did look a bit too slender, although I haven't really characterized him enough for mane color.
Try out 3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N1D8C741CCB3371D107F3FCC004CB2 when you get the chance, although the changes aren't much...
359456
yea that does look better
but it seems "you're" not even sure what his mane color is,If your ok with me doing this might I suggest some other color variations:
Whiteish
3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N1E2E3E3EAEBEB1D107F3FCC004CB2
Black
3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N10C0C0C0000001D107F3FCC004CB2
Red
3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N1770C0C9100001D107F3FCC004CB2
Blue(This one I feel looks pretty good)
3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N100023815163A1D107F3FCC004CB2
(I looked up "Dawn" then used a pallete I found)
3L2N1L7210E8E8E8FEC59E002002664B56O1838404000000N1CCBE25D391391D107F3FCC004CB2
359723
Besides "you're", the color variations do help. Here's my opinion on them:
White:
Thing is, his coat is white to start with, so at that point, he looks very transparent. Wouldn't really go with that one...
Black:
I do see some potential in this mane color.
Red:
Nothing against the color, but I don't think it really reflects Dawn's character.
Blue:
I also see potential in this color.
Blonde:
Ah, the mane coloring has it's drawbacks and potential. It's potential is that the coloring helps to show the relation between him and Celestia. Unfortunately, the color is used a lot for royalty, so it would've attracted unwanted attention to Dawn.
I'll think it over a bit, but I'll probably write a few more chapters before characterization starts to kick in.
351044
I've thought of that for some time, and I think it's like Celestia's, but with some variation...I'd sketch it if I could, and I'll prob make an attempt at some time, along with Dusk's...but there's an answer for now.
EDIT: How does this look?
dl.dropbox.com/u/8331343/Dawn%27s%20Cutie%20Mark%20R1.PNG
Original image courtesy BlackGryph0n
361015
Yea I thought the White and Red versions weren't that great
I also thought the black and blue(ha, black and blue) were good
I believe Blue would work the best tho since black kinda stands out to much
plus I think Blue works nicely since it would seem to stand out less(after all,the white ponys in the show have blue or purple variations, and they look great!)
Don't read unless you want spoilers/already read the story
A small note to the readers: The Luna seen in this chapter is the Luna before the Season 2 character development episode (just a fyi)...
"before you cast the spell on Luna" II believe should be Dusk
"Why did you run away the night Luna cursed you?" Luna asked." As this should be Celestia
396136
Fixed!
396143 ^_^ Glad to help. Though, you might want to go in and detail the reactions on Celestia's part, and Dawns. It seems to lose the dramatic tension immediately that you've been building up since the beginning without giving the emotional release necessary. Also, wouldn't Luna remember him being alive, since she (as NNM) attacked him and sent him to the hospital in the first place? IMHO of course.
396310
Well, similar to Dusk and Dawn, Luna has two personas: Luna, and Nightmare Moon...Luna could've been blind at that point, and I think I was referring to a different context; alive from the night that she cursed him...
396325 Fair enough. Still worth mentioning that NNM was in complete control that night or something? Would also alleviate a bit of Dawns tension due to her nearly destroying Dusk previously. I know she said that that was nightmare and not her, but clarifying that she was completely isolated from those actions would make the sudden acceptance Dawn shows much smoother.