Synth Sense was your normal aspiring DJ. Losing gigs to famous ponies, getting minimum wage, all in all a pretty rough life. That is, until he rams into somepony else, somepony with the same cover as him, a pair of shades.
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Countpony
Joined 22nd Feb, 2012 ·
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Hmmm somewhat funny Five mostaches
That was funny and nice.
I will 1-up the guy above with 7 moustaches
AND 2 yays
253006
252947
thanks to the both of you. I suggest you read my other stories.
Octavia: What the? Crushed by a pile of chariots? Ohhhhhhhhh the nerve of these authors.
253127
Hey, a chariot accident is better than saying that she was brutally raped and murdered!
253006 YOU TRYING TO COMPETE? 10 MUSTACHE!
AND! 5 yays!
I really liked the story, but I'll be honest. The grammar took away from it a bit. If you wait a day or two and then read it aloud it really helps catch all the little errors. With a little work and cleaning up this could become one of the best things I've ever read.
253127
I thought it said carrots.. lol.
The thoughts and actual speech were combined at some points, it was a little weird to be honest.
I honestly couldn't finish this. It's a complete mess.
You put far too much story into this. This is a one-shot, not a literary epic. You can't just squeeze in all this junk and expect it to work. Too much forced drama and Octavia's death just feels pointless and serves as a means of forcing in unnecessary drama and even further boosting your OC. It almost feels like it's a means of subtly expressing your distaste of the Vinyl/Tavi ship.
Not that I'm saying you do, but that's what it feels like.
Also, I may have stopped around half-way through, but your OC feels like a sue. Oh, and he has the worst story of all time about how he got his cutie mark. Absolutely pathetic to the point of not even being laughably pathetic. I actually groaned and face-hoofed at it. It was that bad.
Your story is a grammatical nightmare. Honestly, please get a pre-reader before you post anything else. Preferably one with a good grasp of spelling and grammar...and a lot of patience.
Have twenty Twilights face-hoofing.
It is a great concept, but the execution is a little sub-par. I like the story, I really do. But the thoughts in the speech, grammar mistakes, and somewhat cliched ending left me a little bereft. With a little more work, this could be a great story. No thumbs up or down however that'll just stay a moot point for me. I will award three mustaches however!
253307:Alright lets go.
11 Moustaches,8Yays AND4 Pinkie Smiles
How DARE you speak of Octavia like this!
263821
thanks, no really, i was just waiting for another harmful comment.
254154 15 STACHE AND 8 DERPYS
254154 15 STACHE AND 8 DERPYS
MAKE THAT 7 DERPYS
293203: Barely Online?
20 Moustaches, 10 Yays, 5 Rainbow Laughs AND 4 Pinkie Smiles, 3 Eeyups
AND a picture.
3.bp.blogspot.com/-SqHhi6nVt8g/TuENJZcIMnI/AAAAAAAABcA/VzbNgyb-luY/s400/mlp_omg.jpg
wuts with the face wars? ITZ OVER 9000!
Sweet!