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Rainbow Dash

After Rainbow Dash found out that she loved bacon, she couldn't get enough of it.

"Wonderbolts? Ha! If they had bacon, maybe..." Rainbow Dash had reportedly said. "Bacon is where the party's at!"

Rainbow Dash quit her day job to chase a life of bacon parties.

"I decided that bacon was more important than anything else in the world, so I decided to drop everything and party!"

Along with the bacon parties came a life of bacon crime for Rainbow Dash. At first, she began to lash out at her friends.

"She threatened to eat Bacoon," Twilight told one of our reporters, "and then she did. This here is Bacoon 2.0."

Our reporter talked with Rarity, who said, "Rainbow Dash doesn't completely understand what bacon is. Her blindness in this sense may bring her to a poor end. She may end up eating a pony just to see if they taste like bacon."

Rarity died the day after her interview.

When Rainbow Dash started attending bacon parties, she was introduced to what the underground drug-runners refer to as 'bacon bits.' The instructions for bacon bits are as follows:

1. Inhale through nose

2. ???

3. Profit

Nopony knows what happens if you inhale bacon bits through anything else.

Rainbow Dash became addicted to bacon bits. She began to lash out at her friends (as stated earlier), but then began to commit crimes to get her hooves on bacon bits.

"Where's the bacon at!?" she would scream in a pony's face before breaking their legs.

Rainbow Dash recently attended a bacon bits anonymous group, where she found an author to write her story.

"I don't know why I agreed to write this," said the author, who asked us to keep his name a secret for the time being. "You'll know my name when the story is published."

The author worked with Rainbow Dash to make sure that the book was as true as possible.

"There's no way any of this is true," the author said to us.

The author's story is below.

Rainbow Dash's Secret Life of Bacon

by JerryTheHouseGhost

Rainbow Dash woke up and threw her sheets across the room.

"Sheets are for losers!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She then got up and lit her bed on fire. "I don't have time for sleep when bacon bits are calling my name!"

The super-fast mare jumped out of her window and landed on her neighbor, who died on impact. "Why'd you die!? Are you Rarity or something!?" Rainbow Dash ate the dead carcass for breakfast then went on her merry way to a bacon party.

When she arrived at the house the party was being held at, she kicked down the door. "Where's all the bacon at!?"

Pinkie Pie looked over at her. "Oh shit! Da big RD is in da house!"

"Yeeeep, it's me all right! Yo, Pinkie!"

"Yo, baby! What's up, Dashtastic J!?"

"Oh Pink-Legs, you know what I'm here for!"

"You got dat right, homie! It's in the basement, dog meat!"

"Thanks!"

"No problem, G!"

Rainbow Dash flew through the door to the basement and broke every stair falling down. There, in the middle of the basement, was just what Rainbow Dash had gotten from the Bacon Rewards Program.

"Awh yeah! Time to go get me some Bacon Bits!"

Rainbow Dash left Pinkie Pie's house and put on sunglasses. While she was slowly walking away, Pinkie's house exploded. "Cool ponies don't look at explosions."

The fastest pony in Equestria broke her own world record for fastest speed-walking to the town hall. "The bacon bits will be mine!" Rainbow Dash put C4 on the floor and blasted it open. "Just like mom used to make!"

She flew down the hole and into the secret bacon vault underneath the town hall. Being the smartest pony ever, she knew that the vault door would require two ponies to press two buttons to open it, each at opposite sides of the hallway. "This is why I brought the button-presser: the device that was made just to press buttons." She placed the button-presser over the button on the left side of the hallway, then walked to the other side. "I'm always right," said Rainbow Dash as she pressed the button.

The vault opened up, and in the center of an empty room stood a pedestal with a jar of bacon bits on it. "Bingo," said Rainbow Dash. She casually walked to the bacon bits and picked them up. "I have you now!"

As Rainbow Dash was leaving the vault, she heard a voice behind her. "Stop right where you are!"

Rainbow Dash turned around and shot the pony in the face. "No, you stop right where you are! Hahahahaha!"

The End

Are you kidding me, Rainbow Dash!? There is no way that was true at all! Never have me write you a story ever again. EVER!

Rainbow Dash is still in bacon rehab to this day.

Since she has no money after quitting her job, she is asking for donations so she can pay her rehab bills.

"Give me your money."

Author's Note:

Storyception!? Sorry that this story is so freakin' weird!
If you liked this chapter, feel free to give me every compliment you can think of.
Here's another song: