After Twilight Sparkle found that she loved bacon, she couldn't get enough of it. "More bacon!" she had said. "More!"
Twilight decided to throw away her responsibilities as a new princess so she could follow her new found dream of studying bacon and what made it so tasty. After realizing that studying bacon wasn't an ample way to bring in money for her family (herself and her bacon sculptures she molded out of... bacon...), she began to write and sell stories about bacon.
We were lucky enough to interview Twilight about her books.
RECORDED AT A PREVIOUS TIME
"Hello, Miss Sparkle."
"That's Mrs. Sparkle now!"
"You've married?"
"Yes. I've brought him here. Com on in, honey!"
*A creepy bacon-pony is wheeled in on a little red wagon*
"That is literally the scariest thing I've ever seen."
"What did you just say about my hubby?"
"I said he is the most handsome stallion I've ever seen. I'd marry him if-"
"If I wasn't already married to him?"
"-er.. Yes; let's go with that."
"You wanna sit down?"
"I'm already seated..."
"I was talking to Bacoon."
"Bacoon?"
"My husband."
"Oh."
"Go on; sit down!"
*Twilight pushes the bacon pony, which falls down onto the interviewer*
"Uh..."
"Yes?"
"Is, uh... Is this a formidable seat for your husband?"
"Why wouldn't it be?"
"Well... Let's proceed with the interview. I've heard that you are writing a series of books."
"You've heard correctly."
"Do you mind telling me a little bit about them?"
"What would you like to know?"
"What is the title of the series?"
"The series is called Why Are You so Tasty?"
"Is that question ever answered in one of the later books?"
"What question?"
"The title of the series."
"What about it?"
"It's a question..."
"My husband doesn't like you."
"Uh... Okay... Another question!"
"Splendid!"
"How many copies has your first book sold so far?"
"What?"
"Your first book. How many copies have you sold?"
"Uuuuhhhhh...."
Twilight Sparkle's book sold zero copies. Not even her closest friends bought it.
Since the book was Twilight's only plan for money, she ended up losing all of her money. She was evicted from the royal palace, and the only friend that allowed her to stay in their home was Fluttershy. Twilight got into Fluttershy's secret stash of stuff and almost killed herself by drinking at least 20 gallons of bacon grease.
"I wanted to taste bacon," Twilight had said. "Fluttershy forbade me from eating her solid bacon, so I decided to go for her liquid bacon."
Little did she know, bacon grease is disgusting.
"If I had known bacon grease was this disgusting, I would have only drank 10 gallons."
What Twilight didn't know was that the bacon grease was also restricted. Fluttershy did not take kindly to Twilight consuming 1/4 of her bacon grease stash. She kicked Twilight and her bacon husband out, but kept and ate the bacon filly.
Upon asking Fluttershy about her secret stash, she replied, "I could have sworn it was a secret."
Twilight was now homeless.
Imagine being homeless and having to go to you friend's funeral. That's exactly what Twilight had to do.
When they were lowering Rarity's casket into the ground, Twilight insisted that they should not bury her.
"Nopony ever said living in your friend's casket was against the law!" Twilight had said before occupying Rarity's casket.
Nopony listened to Twilight's demands, and they buried her along with Rarity.
Twilight's bacon husband lives with Fluttershy now.
"He cheated on Twilight with me around 15 times within the day she was living with me."
After Fluttershy discovered her love for bacon, she couldn't get enough of it.
At first, she went into denial. She was spotted leaving a bacon convention, and after she was asked what she was doing there, she replied, "I was there for the quiet atmosphere." After she was informed of the fact that the bacon convention happened to hold the world record for being the loudest convention ever, she said, and I quote, "Nobody will ever believe you! You'll never catch me, coppers!"
Fluttershy locked herself in her house for one week straight.
One of our mobile teams set up a campsite outside of her home. Their findings are as follows:
DAY 1
There are some weird noises coming from inside of Fluttershy's home. They sound like squealing pigs, but it has been confirmed there are in fact no pigs in or around the premises. We will continue to- holy crap, a pig just walked up to the campsite! It seems to be attracted to Fluttershy's house... Perhaps her squealing has a purpose after all.
The pig is now walking to the front door... The front door just opened... The pig has entered the building, I repeat, the pig has entered the building.
One of our team members has dressed up like a pig and is now walking up to the front door. It just opened up and- OH MY-
DAY 2
The team member from yesterday has been sent to the hospital due to the severe beating he got from Fluttershy. It is said that she knew he was a pig all along, and only opened up her door so she could beat him up. We have tried to get other ponies to dress up like a pig for more testing, but they all either refused to do so, faked their own deaths, or actually committed suicide on the spot.
We have since then removed the insanely sharp cutlery from our equipment box.
DAY 3
There is smoke rising out of the chimney, and the smell of bacon is permeating the air. A team of 3 ponies has just been invited inside of the house through the use of our top-of-the-line tin can telephone. They are approaching the house... The door just opened... They are walking inside... The eagle has landed.
The smoke has stopped coming out of the chimney. There are no screams coming from the house so far. That's a good sign.
The sun is now setting, and Alpha Team has just been released from the house. They will be briefed immediately. I just heard one of them say "Bacon. Bacon everywhere." One of them was sent to the hospital due to severe beating.
DAY 4
There is more squealing coming from inside of Fluttershy's house. Again, we believe that this sound is originating from Fluttershy and not a pig. We have assumed that the pig that entered her house on day one was instantly turned into bacon upon entry.
The squealing has not stopped for four hours, and has even gotten louder.
The squealing has finally stopped.
DAY 5
Nothing happened today.
DAY 6
There are so many pigs surrounding us right now. They came out of nowhere. Two of our team members have gone missing. If you find this log of events, but not me, please tell my wife and kids that I love them, and that daddy had to go get murdered by pigs.
The pigs are making a single file line in front of Fluttershy's door... They are now being led inside of her house. There is so much oinking! Make it stop!
Three hours have gone by, and there are still so many pigs going inside of Fluttershy's house. How can they all fit!? I can hear Fluttershy singing a song about how the pigs are going to be made into bacon and that she can't wait to eat every single one of them.
MAKE THE OINKING STOP!!!!
The door just closed. The pigs are going away now. The oinking stopped. I am now free from the torture that was pigs.
DAY 7
Twilight Sparkle just walked up to Fluttershy's house with a bacon stallion and bacon filly in a wagon... She has just knocked on the door.
"Go away!"
"Fluttershy, it's me, Twilight!"
"... Fluttershy's not here right now, Mrs. Sparkle."
"Fluttershy! I just got evicted from the royal palace and nopony else wants me in their house! My choices now are either living with you or living in a box."
"I hope you can find a box big enough for you."
"WHAT!?!?"
"You heard me!"
"I have my bacon family with me! Don't insult me in front of them!"
"Did you just say bacon family?"
"Yes."
The door just opened up.
"Get in. Now."
Twilight is now walking inside of Fluttershy's house with her wagon full of bacon family in tow.
"Hey Fluttershy, where did you get all of this bacon grease?"
"I made a lot of bacon the other day. Wait, did you find my secret stash of bacon grease?"
"... No..."
"Good."
"Let's say I happen to stumble upon it one day... Could I drink it all?"
"You can't have any of my bacon."
"I'm talking about the grease, though."
"None of my bacon is for you."
"But the grease..."
"Shut up!"
"Okay!"
"Promise you won't tell anypony about this Bacoon?"
"..."
"Good."
FIVE MINUTES LATER
"Hey Bacoon, hows abouts we DO IT AGAIN! YEAH!"
"..."
"You best not make any noise this time, 'else Twilight might awaken an' find us."
"..." (If Bacoon was a living stallion, he would have probably questioned the fact that Fluttershy had just put on some kind of weird accent in her previous dialogue. He would have also probably said something along the lines of "Get away from me, you scary yellow pegasus pony. You are literally the scariest thing I've ever seen, and I've seen Twilight eat bacon. You've been nothing but rude to me and my wife, and you've been eyeballing our little filly whenever she was in the same room with you. I'd rather live in a box than with you, so now I think it's time to bid you adieu. Take that rhyme, yo!")
"Hey Fluttershy! I'm your singing telegram, and I'm here to say-"
"Could you just SHUT UP, Pinkie Pie!?!?"
"Okay, okay! I'm here to tell you and Twilight that Rarity is dead, and we're having her funeral soon."
"How soon."
"Now."
"Twilight! Twilight! Come on! We've gotta go to Rarity's funeral! Twilight!! could you hold on one second?"
"Sure."
"TWILIGHT!!! GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! WE'RE LEAVING TO GO TO RARITY'S FUNERAL RIGHT NOW!"
We were lucky enough to get a front row seat at Fluttershy and Bacoon's wedding.
"Bacoon, do you take Fluttershy to be your lawfully wedded wife?"
"..." (If Bacoon were an actual stallion, he would have probably threw up on the spot and then proceeded to say "Oh HELL NO!")
"And Fluttershy, do you take Bacoon to be your... Bacon husband?"
"I do."
"You may now kiss the bride, you bacon freak. Why did I even agree to do this?! I'm not even a priest! This is the most messed up thing I've ever seen!"
Fluttershy starts kissing Bacoon.
"Holy crap! Why!? How is this even legal!? Why didn't you get an actual priest!? Why me!? What did I do to deserve this!? Somepony tell me what I did! I don't even live here! I just woke up in an alleyway and this yellow FREAK was telling me I was gonna be the priest at a wedding! Where am I, even!?"
After Rainbow Dash found out that she loved bacon, she couldn't get enough of it.
"Wonderbolts? Ha! If they had bacon, maybe..." Rainbow Dash had reportedly said. "Bacon is where the party's at!"
Rainbow Dash quit her day job to chase a life of bacon parties.
"I decided that bacon was more important than anything else in the world, so I decided to drop everything and party!"
Along with the bacon parties came a life of bacon crime for Rainbow Dash. At first, she began to lash out at her friends.
"She threatened to eat Bacoon," Twilight told one of our reporters, "and then she did. This here is Bacoon 2.0."
Our reporter talked with Rarity, who said, "Rainbow Dash doesn't completely understand what bacon is. Her blindness in this sense may bring her to a poor end. She may end up eating a pony just to see if they taste like bacon."
Rarity died the day after her interview.
When Rainbow Dash started attending bacon parties, she was introduced to what the underground drug-runners refer to as 'bacon bits.' The instructions for bacon bits are as follows:
1. Inhale through nose
2. ???
3. Profit
Nopony knows what happens if you inhale bacon bits through anything else.
Rainbow Dash became addicted to bacon bits. She began to lash out at her friends (as stated earlier), but then began to commit crimes to get her hooves on bacon bits.
"Where's the bacon at!?" she would scream in a pony's face before breaking their legs.
Rainbow Dash recently attended a bacon bits anonymous group, where she found an author to write her story.
"I don't know why I agreed to write this," said the author, who asked us to keep his name a secret for the time being. "You'll know my name when the story is published."
The author worked with Rainbow Dash to make sure that the book was as true as possible.
"There's no way any of this is true," the author said to us.
The author's story is below.
Rainbow Dash's Secret Life of Bacon
by JerryTheHouseGhost
Rainbow Dash woke up and threw her sheets across the room.
"Sheets are for losers!" yelled Rainbow Dash. She then got up and lit her bed on fire. "I don't have time for sleep when bacon bits are calling my name!"
The super-fast mare jumped out of her window and landed on her neighbor, who died on impact. "Why'd you die!? Are you Rarity or something!?" Rainbow Dash ate the dead carcass for breakfast then went on her merry way to a bacon party.
When she arrived at the house the party was being held at, she kicked down the door. "Where's all the bacon at!?"
Pinkie Pie looked over at her. "Oh shit! Da big RD is in da house!"
"Yeeeep, it's me all right! Yo, Pinkie!"
"Yo, baby! What's up, Dashtastic J!?"
"Oh Pink-Legs, you know what I'm here for!"
"You got dat right, homie! It's in the basement, dog meat!"
"Thanks!"
"No problem, G!"
Rainbow Dash flew through the door to the basement and broke every stair falling down. There, in the middle of the basement, was just what Rainbow Dash had gotten from the Bacon Rewards Program.
"Awh yeah! Time to go get me some Bacon Bits!"
Rainbow Dash left Pinkie Pie's house and put on sunglasses. While she was slowly walking away, Pinkie's house exploded. "Cool ponies don't look at explosions."
The fastest pony in Equestria broke her own world record for fastest speed-walking to the town hall. "The bacon bits will be mine!" Rainbow Dash put C4 on the floor and blasted it open. "Just like mom used to make!"
She flew down the hole and into the secret bacon vault underneath the town hall. Being the smartest pony ever, she knew that the vault door would require two ponies to press two buttons to open it, each at opposite sides of the hallway. "This is why I brought the button-presser: the device that was made just to press buttons." She placed the button-presser over the button on the left side of the hallway, then walked to the other side. "I'm always right," said Rainbow Dash as she pressed the button.
The vault opened up, and in the center of an empty room stood a pedestal with a jar of bacon bits on it. "Bingo," said Rainbow Dash. She casually walked to the bacon bits and picked them up. "I have you now!"
As Rainbow Dash was leaving the vault, she heard a voice behind her. "Stop right where you are!"
Rainbow Dash turned around and shot the pony in the face. "No, you stop right where you are! Hahahahaha!"
The End
Are you kidding me, Rainbow Dash!? There is no way that was true at all! Never have me write you a story ever again. EVER!
Rainbow Dash is still in bacon rehab to this day.
Since she has no money after quitting her job, she is asking for donations so she can pay her rehab bills.
