Pony Tails

by Jonah Fun

Six

Daisy approached Rose who sat in the clearing beside Horseshoe pond. The moonlight glistened off the water, and the great oak tree towered over all, looking formidable and unopposed. The night's air was clean, and silence was only averted by Rose's gentle sobbing. She was on her knees, hunched over the playing cards that she had taken with her. When Daisy saw them she realized why rose was crying; many of the cards were bent and torn in places, a couple of which had been fully ripped in two.
"Rose?" though she said it softly, and had a warm smile on her face, Rose still snapped her head round to see Daisy and started to panic.
"I-I did a-a bad thing and yo-you told to c-come here if i did-"

"Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, Calm down okay?" She once again had clasped the sides of Daisy's face. She wasn't trying to make her voice sound as motherly as it was, it just came out that way. " Now don't you worry about the cards. i can fix them." She lied. "Come over here, away from them." The pair moved closer to the tree, Rose being led by Daisy all the way. "Sit down" Said Daisy. Rose did so, eyes still sodden. Daisy looked at the glistening water. A thought popped into her brain.

"Rose, look what i got for you." She unzipped her bag and pulled out the notebook. Rose's eyes lit up and she hungrily snatched the notebook off her, and she began scurrying through the pages to make things better. Daisy didn't mind the girl's rudeness. She got up, and walked to the water of the pond. She cupped her hands and submerged them, before bringing them back out again, She took a deep breath, and drank all the water that lay in her hands.

And the memories came flooding back.

The Space-country, the orphange, the men in black, being taken away, meeting Rose, her training, her briefing, The language lessons, her failed escape attempt, the memory loss serum...

Everything that she wanted came to her except comfort. For, what did it matter that they were being surveyed along with five other children? What did it matter that human's needed a new home? What did it matter that she had tried to escape? Nothing could save Rose. Not anymore.

Daisy heard voices in the distance. Her time was running out. She must have taken some time remembering everything. Rose sat quietly with her book, still sniffling every now and again. Daisy walked over to her bag, unzipped it, then hesitated before turning to Rose.
"Rose, you understand everything I do is for your own good, right?"
"Yes, Daisy." The voices began to get louder
"And you understand that what you did at the barn was wrong, right?"
"Yes, Daisy."
"So you must never question my judgement again, right?"
"Yes, Daisy." Daisy sighed, and got up. She put her right hand to her face, covering her eyes. The voices were right on top of them now
"Okay... Okay." She took a deep a breath and hauled her left hand up, pointing the gun that she held to the back Rose's head.
"Then I forgive you." She fired.
Rose fell over her notebook and lay down on her belly, her leg's bent, her eyes closed. Dead, The crowd of horses appeared and collectively stared at her, and then at the killer.

Daisy herself was frozen in place, in disbelief. The only part of her moved was her tears that trickled down her face.
The orange horse looked at the frozen girl and realized how much the dead alien had meant to the other. Almost like her love for Applebloom. Because of this, for a single moment, the orange horse pitied the creature. The next moment she was in shock, as the girl had suddenly shot herself through the head. Blood pooled out of the two dead aliens, and a silent minute passed. The crowd eventually started disbanding and going back to their own respective homes, mumbling as they did so. Twilight and Applejack stood there alone with their thoughts as the moonlight glistened on the enchanted waters of horseshoe pond and ponies trotted past them tiredly. A raven who was here earlier in the day flew overhead, excited to feed her 3 young hatchlings of whom she had kept waiting. Applejack broke the trance;
"So who in the name of Equestria is gonna bury these things?"

Comments

[Theater Critic]

Uh... This fanfic is pretty bad.

[Peppermint]

2881389
Agreed, It's like a Wall-of-Text

2881412
This.
Never use numerals in a story unless absolutely needed, just write out the word.
It only takes a bit longer.

[Jonah Fun]

2881556
Yeah, i get that a lot.
The bastard part, that is.

[bahatumay]

I get the Of Mice and Men reference.
Still didn't like it much, though.
Also, a dark tag manslaughter, technical murder and suicide? might fit well.

[Jonah Fun]

Fair play.
You might be right about the dark tag.

[XANA]

Pain of flesh beings is amusing to me.

[I am not a Dalek]

I'm here because of Authors Helping Authors and also you reviewed my story so I did the same back.

Name of Story: Pony Tails

Grammar score out of 10: 5 (sorry, you missed punctuation and it's a great wall of text...)

Pros:

It was a good idea
I liked the OMAM reference
You got the right you're and yours (You're brill for that!XD)

Cons:

Wall of text! Really hard to read! Create a new line for each paragraph also when there is a new speaker do the same.
You didn't go into enough detail with Apple Bloom's death, or AJ finding Apple Bloom. You should have built up to it more.
I would have liked to have thought that the Ponies would have accepted the humans more and not called them "Things..."

Notes Section:

For Apple Bloom's death it didn't really seem as sad as it should have. In OMAM, Steinbeck used Animal Imagery and Biblical References to present Curley's wife's death and also Lennie's, however, you did end it where it all began which is what happened in OMAM... If you did base this on Steinbeck's work, maybe look at his techniques for inspiration... You should have also built up Apple Bloom's character when she was trying to befriend Rose. (Sorry, I had to study this novel A LOT in the past two years...)
I, myself, don't really like Dark Fics to be quite honest so I'm sorry if I haven't given you the best review. You did have good ideas but it moved quite quickly and you left the question of who the humans were and how they ended up there unanswered. (Also, the first part of the last chapter had no capatalised "I's" and you missed out a few full-stops (If you're American I mean "Periods")

Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my other stories, considering you've already looked at Trapped

[Jonah Fun]

2929051
Don't be scared of walls, they're static and are extremely unlikely to topple on you and kill you.
But seriously, thanks for the feedback (and the like)

You have a point about the lack of build up, I'll be sure to try and practice it in other stories of mine.

I'm British too, Full stops are lovely

About the acceptance of humans: I think I gave both sides of the arguement. You have Twilight, who is trying to accept and get used to the aliens, and Applejack who, while realizing they haven't done any harm, (before chapter 5) still doesn't trust them due to not knowing much about them.

I agree with you, the scene where AJ finds her sister did not come out as it should've at all, at least the sad elements of it.

I think it's less of a reference more of a homage to OMAM, Though this is way inferior. (right there with you on the studying front; thank god for the holidays!)

I'll read through it again and make Grammar checks. Thanks again for the feedback!

I won't read Free to Fly until it's finished, though. I only read complete fics, personal preference. I look forward to it very much!

[I am not a Dalek]

2929126 I finished my GSCE's last month and had the exam on OMAM, It's still all in my head at the moment... Sorry!
I'm not too sure when Free To Fly is going to finish to be honest, but I do have that oneshot as well!
I agree with you about the waiting til a fic is finished because it's a shame when the author stops writing it, but if the fic is still being frequently updated I read it!

Maybe you can do a rewrite of this fiction and go into more detail? That may possibly work better on your behalf?

[Jonah Fun]

2929180
One day, maybe.
For now i want to work on other, more light-hearted stuff.
Ever read The Cardturner? Same guy who wrote Holes wrote that. I want to do a story about Twilight and chess, and somehow make the reader interested in the game while still telling an interesting story. Plus I got a lot of other ideas too, Eventually once I become a better author I'll revisit this.

You're comment about my usage of your and you're is very much appreciated.

[I am not a Dalek]

2929387 Ah, Holes! I remember my year 6 teacher reading that to us! It was great! We read SO much in year 6!

Indeed, well whenever you have the chance you should! What year are you in now, by time you've done your GCSE's and everything you're definitely going to be a better author!

(I'm a grammar Nazi XD It was nice to see you got that right!)

[Jonah Fun]

2929409
Year 10 continues this summer.
However, we have already done an essay about how sympathy or dislike was created for Curley's wife, and a creative assessment that was a monolouge of one a character, existing or not, and I did one for Curley's wife that my teacher says is going to get top marks.

An example of writing Fan-Fics being a useful skill in life?

[I am not a Dalek]

2929447 Wait, so you're going into year 10? Or into year 11? If you're doing the latter, you were the lucky year, the last to take exams early XD

Ah, We did a controlled assessment about Curley's Wife and her relationships with the other ranch members... Didn't do amazingly in that because I'm better at Lit XD
For my Lit CA we did Porphyria's Lover, The Laboratory and MacBeths presentation of Relationships and Romance (I think) I got an A* in that one XD My only A* in English XD
Ohh! For my creative monologue, it was based on the "If you prick us do we not bleed" from king lear I think, and I wrote about a feotus about to be aborted, kinda sad but I was in year 9 and was SO proud of it XD

And indeed! Fanfic has helped me with English I suppose, especially with essay writing

[Jonah Fun]

2929477
Alas, I am the former. Basically my school puts us up a year late in the second term of summer, so it's not completely alien when you get back.
Seriously though, read the Cardturner. The book'll make you want to play bridge like a PRO.

[I am not a Dalek]

2929500 Ah, unlucky! I took my RS a year early, and my core science so I had less exams than you well... I'm also one of the last ones to take A Levels...

[Jonah Fun]

Government are Scraping A-levels? Idiots. They're never satisfied.

[Dimentio]

I'm here because of Authors Helping Authors and I promised to get to it eventually!(sorry for the delay)

Name of Story: Pony Tails

Grammar score out of 10:7 (occasional error, but it was definitely better than a lot of stories I see on this site. Regardless, you really need to type out the numbers instead of just using '2'.)

Pros:
I didn't expect the Of Mice and Men turn of events towards the last few chapters
grammar was fair, you definitely put some effort in.
Beginning and end were good.

Cons:
It was kind of a wall of text (I know you've heard that a lot)
There wasn't much build-up, neither Rose nor Daisy got much development throughout the story. (Didn't really have time to in seven chapters)
It was a bit shorter than I'd have liked.
Middle of the story was kind of lacking.

Notes Section:
Frankly? I liked the story, but it could have been better (granted most stories can say that)
Main areas that need improvement would have to be the way characters react to one-another and the pacing of the story.

There's the review, hope you like it! (and sorry again for the delay...and the relatively short review. My schedule is still less than favorable.)

[Jonah Fun]

3246504
Hey, You got it out in the end. Thanks for the view. and the review

[Dimentio]

3247162 now I just have to rewrite my own story...which your review has already helped with.(only thirteen chapters to go!)