"Your mother is a tramp," Ice hisses. "You're gonna wish you never said that! Here, take this!" Smoky launches Ice a punch right in the middle of his face, so he screams loudly. The teacher runs back towards them. "What's going on here? Is it you again, Smoky?"
Smoky and his little sister Piña Colada are living alone with their mother. They're forced to be independent, because their mother is an alcoholic. Smoky is the elder sibling, and takes - as with almost every other case of families with abuse - too much responsibility.
The family's situation evolves dramatically, and violent things happen. Smoky has to go through a whole lot, but there are some good things about it.
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Rated teen for a bit of foul language. That, and the mother is an alcoholic.
Hmm, interesting beginning you have there
The bullying part in the school could have been executed in a little more original way, but I agree that such a situation is quite prone to happening with this form of social background. Still, I want to see how these foals get out of this.
However, there is one thing that in my opinion drags this concept down - and from your Author's Note, I think you are aware of that as well. It's a lack of description or as you call it, 'short paragraphs'. Due to this, you are neglecting to build this story's atmosphere and thus throwing away the best tool for hooking the reader. Head below for some examples of parts that could have been done better or those that would deserve more elaboration. The principles demonstrated below can be applied to any part of a story.
Don't tell it to the reader, show it instead through Smoky's actions and dialogue, for example:
"Okay sister, another minute. I'll make you breakfast." He chuckled, draping a blanked over her little body. He headed back to the door, planting his hooves carefully on the creaky wooden floor. He turned in the door, watching the filly already snoring away happily. With a sigh, he descended the stairs to the kitchen. (I tend to write in past tense, a mere stylistic choice)
Again, describe the mess on the floor and his method of cleaning it. What was there on the floor? Empty bottles? Broken bottles? Empty barrels? Those rubber things? Dirty dishes? Overturned chairs? Spleshed of cider? Did he have to go around carefully in order to avoid glass shards in his hooves? Were his hooves sticking to the ground? Did his scrubbing brush do nothing with the splashes on the ground? And many similar questions you should ask yourself and answer in the description (not all of course) and you can also let the character react to those. For example: Weaving his way through the mess, Smoky picked up one bottle still half-full of the amber liquid. The spicy stench from the bottle nearly knocked him over, forcing him to gag.
The rule I follow here is to imagine myself standing in the characters place, imagining all they can see, smell, hear or feel.
Until that last word, we even didn't know she was laughing. Better mention it somewhere before, no?
Which girl is singing? Why? It's written like we should know it. Also, is this happening in the gym? Hoofball field? A school corridor? Give us some background!
Remember that action scenes require faster pacing to work and to build the tension. Faster pace is usually achieved by using short sentences, long just a few words if possible (not possible everytime though). The action sequence should also last for some time - the one sentence you have there doesn't really adhere to those rules, now does it?
Again, imagine what the fight might consist of - flaring nostrils, hooves pawing, glares flaring anything that looks angry or determined, really. Just remember to put it in a sequence of shorter sentences.
And that's all I wanted to say. If you have any additional questions, feel free to drop me a comment or a PM.
Had to be done.
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Hey, thanks for your comment! I'm grateful you took the time to help me, as I've never really figured out that "showing through actions" thingy. Your comment is hopefully sure to help me greatly in my writing endeavor, so I just want to say "acknowledged!"
I have some things planned for these two little foals, however right now I'll focus on editing this story to add the depth and athmosphere you were talking about.
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You're welcome, glad I could help!
Yeah, the term of "show instead of tell" is thrown around a lot without proper explanation, often doing more harm than good...
Anyway, if you need something editing-wise or just want to chat, I'm willing to help. Seeing you are European (Assuming you live in Denmark, not Greenland) as well, chances are I'll get back to you swiftly.
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~if you like piña coladas~
Please continue this story
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Update