Piña Colada

by HowDoIEvenBrony

1 - Dear Granny

A candle is shining on a pruney old bed, with a young filly laying asleep in it. Her older brother, Smoky, sits besides her and wakes her up. The small sienna colored room reassures Smoky that he's not crazy.

“Piña, it’s time for school.” His groggy voice cuts through her sleep, which strips her of her slumber. He can see the sleeplessness in her eyes, and he feels it too.

“But I’m so tired, Smoky!” She embraces him in a big, warm hug as she yawns.

"There, there. I'll give you another minute," he mutters as she feels the hugging warmth of the blanket, "I'll make us some breakfast." He heads towards the door, being wary of where he steps - as the wooden floor tends to creak.

As he steps into the main room, the effects of their mother’s night out are eminent. A couple of books are scattered on the floor, while several cups of half eaten instant noodles rest on the kitchen table. A stench of alcohol enters Smoky's nostrils, and he is forced to cover them.

Looks like she was hungry when she got home, huh?

Smoky clears the table from the bottles and does the dishes, as any responsible kid should do. He grabs the one-day-too-old cereal box from the drawer and scrunches at the smell of its contents.

“No bread? No milk? No nothing?”

Telling Piña that they would have to buy breakfast at the school again had become a routine, albeit easier to do than when it started. He pops out a plastic bag from the drawer and promptly cleans up the small and cheap kitchen. In with the rubber thingies, in with the tissues, and in goes the horribly smelling bottle of what Smoky reads as "Vodka".

A dried pool of cider resides on the table, and not even his hardest scrubbing with a brush and a handkerchief would get it off.

"Sorry mom, but I'll have to give that job to you," he mumbles to himself quietly, "you know those kinds of tricks."

---

The walk to school is luckily not too far. They’re used to walking, so it’s no problem. The only problem Smoky has with walking to school is the stares. The looks they get when they step out of their apartment - the apartment where Berry Punch lives.

Some ponies look at them in dismay, and others in disgust. A once great member of society getting addicted to cider and raising a kid or two is not everypony's cup-o-tea.

The large concrete school comes into view, and if it weren't for the yards in the front and the sports court in the back, the building would blend into the city surroundings.

“Remember, Piña, if those bullies come talking to you, just call for me and I’ll come to your rescue!” Smoky mutters heroically while emphasizing with his forehooves. He jumps through the air, showing off his ninja moves -

“You just have to do the WAPOW!” He punches into the air like a mad pony, and Piña Colada breaks into a hysterical laughter, almost falling onto her hind.

“You’re crazy,” she keeps on going. Ponies seem to be staring even more now, but the two foals don't seem to have a care in the world. They have each other.

As the elder colt and the younger filly enter the school grounds, they head to the cafeteria to eat all they can for the 3 bits their mother left in her pocket, and then split up to go to their classes. Smoky does his best job at not being clumsy in his trek to class, while also trying to avoid Ice Picker and his gang of bullies. Luckily, no bullies seem to be lurking behind him like they usually do.

He finds his classroom, and wonders why there is nopony inside, not even a teacher! A schedule on the wall suggests that they are supposed to be having physical education. Dammit! He was not prepared for this, and this means just one thing...

“Smoky, did you forget your training shorts again?” An angry voice speaks up as he enters the sports court. Before him stands his grumpy old PE teacher. Smoky’s ears droop, and before he can even mutter an excuse, he is interrupted.

“I regret to tell you you’re gonna have to go home and get your shorts, because today we’re playing hoofball,” he says with a stern look on his face. That kind of stern look that nopony can overrule, even if they try.

Smoky just turns around and walks across the not-so-empty sports field to head home, not even resisting. Everypony is chatting or warming up to the sound of music from a radio. The newly-cut-grass smelled wonderful, and everypony seems to be in a good mood. He keeps looking down, not even looking at his classmates. That is, until he hears some commotion.

By the corner of the field is a suspicious group of colts - a group which Smoky knows all too well. Oh well, he’ll have to walk around them it seems. He sighs and turns around, ready to walk home, until he hears something. Something he recognises, but he is not sure what it is. That is, until he hears a distant “wapow!”.

“Piña!” he yells, galloping towards them. He passes several playing ponies, but doesn’t care. Destination finally reached!

“Your mom forgot to give you lunch money again? Hah! Lucky I have a mom who cares, am I not?” Ice Picker grins, and the rest of the gang chuckles with him. In a circle, Ice Picker, Woody Forest, Smell and Gadget are surrounding Piña. With no means of escape, she does only what her brother told her to do. WAPOW!

One punch on Woody’s right shoulder did it for them. I’m gonna show her who’s in charge, and Ice raises his right hoof.

“You should not have done that!” But right as he is about to swing, he is abruptly stopped by Smoky. This gesture is not taken lightly.

“Why don’t you go pick on somepony your own size?” He yells, and jumps between Piña and Ice. Ice is a colt like many others. He has a clique, a group of friends, a family, is charming... but for some reason Smoky does not understand, he always picks on him and Piña.

“Well, I could start with you,” Ice hisses. “Your mother is a tramp!”

“You’re gonna wish you never said that! Here, take this!” Smoky launches Ice a punch right in the middle of his ugly white face, so he screams loudly. The teacher hears this and runs towards them.

“What’s going on here? Is it you again, Smoky?” The teacher gives him the stare. A stare that Smoky knows the meaning of all too well.

And with that, he is sent home with Piña. What a great start to the day! At least he can bring her, because it is not liable for the teacher to send her home alone.

---

Being back home meant a couple of things.

For one, it meant explaining why to their mother when she wakes up, and when she wakes up after a cider-night, she’s inthat mood. Second, it means cleaning the mess she created the night before, which is not always easy with sticky cider on the table and weird rubber rings on the floor.

They do not even speak together, that’s how well they know this routine. Picking up the litter, getting rid of the trash bag, and finally cleaning the floor. At least the mother did not ever dare to touch their room, which is a positive. Smoky can’t say the same about the stallions she keeps bringing home, though.

After cleaning up and scavenging the house for any food items, Smoky has an idea. He gives Piña some of her toys to play with, and brings forth his pen and paper.

”Dear Granny,

“I am writing to you about my mother,
Whom I am not to keen about at this time.
She has been off her medications for a few weeks now,
And it seems we are beginning to have more frequent problems with her.

“I would love to ask, can Piña and I st-”

He is interrupted by the groggy voice of his mother.

“What are you two doing home at this time?”

Author's Note:

Thanks for reading the first chapter of this story!
What do you think?

Also, are the short paragraphs too short? I mean, pls tell me if it's annoying or something :>

Comments

[EverfreePony]

Hmm, interesting beginning you have there The bullying part in the school could have been executed in a little more original way, but I agree that such a situation is quite prone to happening with this form of social background. Still, I want to see how these foals get out of this.

However, there is one thing that in my opinion drags this concept down - and from your Author's Note, I think you are aware of that as well. It's a lack of description or as you call it, 'short paragraphs'. Due to this, you are neglecting to build this story's atmosphere and thus throwing away the best tool for hooking the reader. Head below for some examples of parts that could have been done better or those that would deserve more elaboration. The principles demonstrated below can be applied to any part of a story.

He decides to let her sleep for another minute - he’s going to make some breakfast.

Don't tell it to the reader, show it instead through Smoky's actions and dialogue, for example:
"Okay sister, another minute. I'll make you breakfast." He chuckled, draping a blanked over her little body. He headed back to the door, planting his hooves carefully on the creaky wooden floor. He turned in the door, watching the filly already snoring away happily. With a sigh, he descended the stairs to the kitchen. (I tend to write in past tense, a mere stylistic choice)

As he is cleaning up the mess their mother had created, Smoky puts a glass of water beside her bed.

Again, describe the mess on the floor and his method of cleaning it. What was there on the floor? Empty bottles? Broken bottles? Empty barrels? Those rubber things? Dirty dishes? Overturned chairs? Spleshed of cider? Did he have to go around carefully in order to avoid glass shards in his hooves? Were his hooves sticking to the ground? Did his scrubbing brush do nothing with the splashes on the ground? And many similar questions you should ask yourself and answer in the description (not all of course) and you can also let the character react to those. For example: Weaving his way through the mess, Smoky picked up one bottle still half-full of the amber liquid. The spicy stench from the bottle nearly knocked him over, forcing him to gag.
The rule I follow here is to imagine myself standing in the characters place, imagining all they can see, smell, hear or feel.

“You’re crazy,” she keeps on going. Smoky joins Piña in her laugh.

Until that last word, we even didn't know she was laughing. Better mention it somewhere before, no?

Everypony is chatting or warming up to the sound of the girl’s singing.

Which girl is singing? Why? It's written like we should know it. Also, is this happening in the gym? Hoofball field? A school corridor? Give us some background!

Smoky launches Ice a punch right in the middle of his ugly white face, so he screams loudly.

Remember that action scenes require faster pacing to work and to build the tension. Faster pace is usually achieved by using short sentences, long just a few words if possible (not possible everytime though). The action sequence should also last for some time - the one sentence you have there doesn't really adhere to those rules, now does it?
Again, imagine what the fight might consist of - flaring nostrils, hooves pawing, glares flaring anything that looks angry or determined, really. Just remember to put it in a sequence of shorter sentences.

And that's all I wanted to say. If you have any additional questions, feel free to drop me a comment or a PM.

[The Phantom Joker]

Had to be done.

[HowDoIEvenBrony]

8307897
Hey, thanks for your comment! I'm grateful you took the time to help me, as I've never really figured out that "showing through actions" thingy. Your comment is hopefully sure to help me greatly in my writing endeavor, so I just want to say "acknowledged!"

I have some things planned for these two little foals, however right now I'll focus on editing this story to add the depth and athmosphere you were talking about.

[EverfreePony]

8310533
You're welcome, glad I could help!
Yeah, the term of "show instead of tell" is thrown around a lot without proper explanation, often doing more harm than good...

Anyway, if you need something editing-wise or just want to chat, I'm willing to help. Seeing you are European (Assuming you live in Denmark, not Greenland) as well, chances are I'll get back to you swiftly.

[HowDoIEvenBrony]

8308559
~if you like piña coladas~

[Speedy Silverstreak]

Please continue this story

[Speedy Silverstreak]

8317600
Update