"A hero is an ordinary individual who finds the strength to persevere and endure in spite of overwhelming obstacles."
~Christopher Reeve
The fate of Equestria is broken. one year ago, things were better. Power fell, and anarchy followed. Unfortunately, the elements of harmony are scattered, if even alive. This is the story of the mare that changed Equestria, and its savior, or its most valiant effort.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Not bad, so far!
Make sure to break up statements into new paragraphs. You do this better in the second chapter than in the first. I'd also say you should make the chapters longer, as in, chapters 1 and 2 could have been combined into one chapter.
For the dialog, it's petty good! Both characters feel about right. They sometimes stop and stay saying things a little abruptly, so make sure you imagine the character saying the line in your head, just to make sure it sounds like the way the character would talk.
Liking how brisk this pace is, so far. It's moving right along!
2706625 Thanks bro, I really appreciate it. I will take your advice to heart
!
I love it need more
....you....killed....Luna off.....how could you?
fc05.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/236/c/6/princess_luna_crying_by_90sigma-d5c88y5.png
Love the story so far though!!!
Love the story.
I want to see Flutters again. If you killed her off, you're a cupcake. 
Great story so far have been really enjoying it
... What is the creature planning?! What exactly are those creatures?
There are to many questions! 
Great story, by the way. 
Wall of text there.
You may want to separate different paragraphs so people know when the subject changes.
2857545 Yeah, I'm sorry, it gets more grammatically correct as the story proceeds. Thanks though!
EDIT: There I fixed it.
I think you did give up on the story you better make more chapters for me to believe that you did not give up
Dang I'm writing this form my phone I punched my computer screen and it broke then I punched my phone thanks