All I know is I'm in ponyville. I know some ponies here, but I cant remember how... All I remember is a great magical flash, and Rainbow Dash. I know what my cutie mark's for, but I don't remember how I got it...
-story not in first/second person
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Prematurely faced fic..... But I'll give it a chance.
2691869 It's the first story i've ever written. And I would like some feedback on what I could do to make it better.
There's no backstory so far. You just went ahead and dropped the dude in Ponyville. And for him to teleport with out being a unicorn would really have rainbow suspicious about him.
I commend you for writing what you wanted but you lack details in your story and with out them people won't really pay attention to the fic.
2691926 the backstory is, he cant remember.
The reason rainbow wasn't supicous was because she assumed another unicorn teleported him, but the true reason will be explained in a later chapter.
2691888
The best advice I can give is to read EZN's guide. Pay particular attention to the bits on show vs tell, on self inserts and Mary Sues, and on the basics of conversation grammar.
Now, going to hit a few key points. Not sugar-coating it much. That isn't to be mean, but rather in the interests of clarity, helping you understand where the down votes come from, and saving me time. Your writing will improve with practice, and trust me, what I wrote when I was in high school had serious issues as well. That gets better with experience. That concludes the sugar-coating.
Right now, the story gives a bad initial impression. Before even reading it, I'm going in thinking that this is your typical first time and relatively young author fic. Pony creator cover image. Pony in question is your avatar. His name is your pen name (wasn't in the description, but is in the story). And, hey, look, a romance tag. So your typical self insert/wishfulfillment fic, in which you get to romance, from the looks of it, RD. Not the best subject matter. For the most part, people tend not to want to read about your dreams (barring second person clop fics anyway). So without even starting the story, I'm going in with negative assumptions about the quality thereof.
Inside the story, it is rather lacking in detail. That's the show vs tell issue. It also feels pretty unnatural in how things progress. RD never having met a fan, for example, is at odds with canon, but if this takes place before Sonic Rainboom, you don't establish that. And her conversation with Ninjastar doesn't feel natural. Slow it down. Add more. Make it feel like something that could happen.
The name of the character shouldn't be your pen name. And if you are going to use it, at least make it more pony-like. Ninja Star would be far more likely than Ninjastar, as far as pony names go.
You also need to proof-read. Just in your description there's a bunch of issues.
If I fix up the mistakes:
Your description is your first impression. If it is loaded with errors, then probably the story is as well. Which in this case it is. Missing apostrophes, failure to capitalize, and so on. If you do not care enough about your story to fix up such things, why should the readers care about your story? Don't get me wrong. Errors will slip through. But the easy stuff, like capitalizing names and the first letter of a sentence...
The description was meant to be in first person. This is not a solid romance fic. For the first few chapters, he's meeting the ponies. Ninjastar Is my O.C. name. Throughout the show there are single word names. Three of which are mane six ponies. As far as detail goes, I have come to just do it as it's done because it's always either too much for some people or to little for other people. As far as my description goes, only one of those "errors" is an actual problem to me. And the cover art is temporary until I get what im working on for it done.
You want constructive criticism? I think I can deal with this now. I'm fortified with lunch and I'm working on a cup of coffee. I should be able to get through this.
First of all, there's no backstory. Boom! We're introduced to Ninjastar.... (*sigh*)... really? His name is Ninjastar? You couldn't think of another name different than your own screenname? If this is a self-insert then I guess it makes sense but if it isn't then you're just being lazy. Also, please don't make him a Gary Stu. This story is bad enough as it is. Don't make it any worse.
There might be a reason why there's no backstory on you... I mean Ninjastar, but we the audience need something to work with. Give us a hint, a teaser, some shadowy figure in the background that is controlling all this or at least is responsible for sending him here.
You're setting up Chekhov's gun in a way that is too obvious. Those things on his hooves are obviously going to play a role later on otherwise you wouldn't have mentioned them so often. Keep stuff like that to a minimum and mention them in passing. Don't point them out for everybody to see and then effectively ruin the "surprise" later when they turn out to be just the thing they needed to solve the problem.
You don't remember how you got to Ponyville or anything important but you know who Rainbow Dash is, your name is Ninjastar and Sugarcube Corner makes awesome baked goods. That's some selective amnesia you have there. Again, if this is noteworthy to the plot give us something to work with.
Then the rest of it is pretty lame dialogue, a cliche party occurs, the only ponies there are the mane six, they each tell him what they do in the most obvious way and we're done.
This really needs a lot of work. Your spelling and grammar are off, you're missing capitals, lines break where they shouldn't and it's a big mess to read.
My suggestion is to either get an editor and proofreader. There are loads of them on this site.
Good luck.
2693609 I have a proofreader. One of the mods on the site. I don't like the line breaks like that either, but thats what I had to do to get it approved. The other crap you pointed out, I've already adressed.
2693835
Having a proofreader is good. Actually listening to them and making the changes they've requested is better. Of if they missed certain things then they're not doing their job.
As for the line breaks you mean to tell me that this:
was intentional and needed to be done this way for your story to be accepted? Sorry, but I'm calling bullsh*t on that. If they requested you put random white lines in the middle of freaking sentences then you have to be misunderstanding what they said. Nobody would ask you to do this unless they were specifically messing with you.
What's more is right now you're deflecting. You asked for constructive crit and instead of listening and trying to see where you went wrong, you're saying beyond that there's no problem with your story. That's the kind of attitude that will not win you any fans on this site.
My suggestion is to retool this, rework it with an editor and then republish it when you have the chance.
2693835 The problem is that you haven't addressed them IN THE STORY, where you SHOULD be addressing them.
"Addressing" may or may not mean "fixing" in this context.
2693534
That description being in first person is fine. The errors in it (and other than dropping the contraction, they are errors) is not fine. When people see things like don't spelled dont and Rainbow Dash not properly capitalized, it makes them less likely to read your story, and it means they go in expecting the worst.
For the romance bit, it is tagged as romance. That means romance plays a key part. Now, there's nothing wrong with that. It is, however, part of the stereo-typical self-insert story They usually have the hook up with their pony waifu. And that's what that section is aiming at, that the impression the story gives is of being the typical self insert. Again, this means people go in looking for the worst.
Personally, I don't have an issue with the pony creator. It is a handy way for people to design a pony. And ideally, they then do what it sounds like you're doing, which is to turn the design over to an actual artist to add the nuances and character that the pony creator cannot. However, the pony creator art is one of the stereotypical things that go with a poorly written story. And often the pony in the picture will be non-standard pony colors (not pastels, earth tones, or white).
All of that is about the first impression. That's why I keep talking about the stereotypical things. When you create a good impression, people are more willing to give your story a chance. But if you start out creating a bad one, people will go in looking for other issues. You've already lost a portion of their suspension of disbelief before they have even started the story proper.
For pony names, Rarity and Applejack are both single words. Fluttershy is a made up one. If
youyour OC were called Shuriken, okay, one word is fine. But he isn't. He's named after ninja stars, and so, like Apple Bloom and Rainbow Dash, two words. That's how pony names work. Mind you, you'd be better off if your OC's name wasn't your handle. But even with it being so, making it slightly less of a match will improve things. It makes it look slightly less like a self insert.For detail, I'm not saying you need to go into purple prose territory, but you want more detail than you have. That's why everyone who has commented so far has brought it up.
You asked for tips on how to improve, and so I pointed out some issues. Right now, you've got 15 down votes out of 46 views. That's bad, especially given the nature of this site, where people are really generous when it comes to how they view fics. That means there are serious issues. Read Ezn's guide, then re-read it, and listen to what people are saying. It might hurt a bit (but then, so does a bunch of down votes), but if you learn from it, it'll make your next story better.
2693890 I know there's problems with it, and I asked ONE person for help, not everyone.
2693951 You, I like. For some reason, your comment didnt seem to be trying to bash me into the ground, therefore, I am more likely to listen to you. The mispelling of don't is the only other unintentional thing in there. He is not named after Ninja Stars. The name was originaly created for a warriorcats roleplay, as ninjastep, and then I became a leader and the name became ninjastar. People said it fit me, so it stuck. As far as detail goes, I'm already increasing it somewhat for my next chapter. As for votes, I don't reall care about that. I have 2 upvotes so that means two people enjoyed it. That makes me happy.
2694017
Yup yup. Being happy with what you're writing is the important part. I know I write mostly about an unpopular pony because that's what makes me happy (and because there's so much unexplored potential there), even though I could get more views if I wrote about the ones that more people like.
I do recommend reading Ezn's guide, if you haven't. There's a lot of good advice packed into it, with useful examples, in a relatively small amount of space. Makes it very handy for the novice writer. One stop shopping!
2694090 And the other issue I haven't addressed is the backstory. I was planning on explaining it in later chapters, but I think I'll just devote the next chapter to explaining how he got there.
So, here's what I have to critique based on first impressions.
-Pony creator image. That's already a heavy loss as that use as a cover for OC stories has been done to death.
-Design of OC. Okay, even if Pony Creator didn't justify a lot, the design of your OC does, because it's uncreative. Black and white color design? Boring, and overused. And it's clear that the mane, tail and body shape are the same as Rainbow Dash's, showing that you spent little time in developing your OC.
-Cutie mark. A pony's cutie mark is what defines his or her special talent. What they do best; it typically decides your career or your personality. However, Tao has absolutely nothing to do with this character.
The latter of the three is my main problem. You don't really influence anything really related to Daoism so there's no reason for Yin and Yang to be your cutie mark. Yin and Yang by themselves are a symbol to display how two opposites correlate with each other (i.e. Male and Female, the Sun and the Moon, Light and Darkness, etc.).
Since your character doesn't really display any of these traits, there really isn't a reason to put it there and all it shows is that you put no work into creating your pony.
As an example, I will use my own (Which was never implemented in any of my stories; I don't usually put OC's in literature spare my original works):
His name is Chad Souffle (Yeah, I know, kinda...iffy (But if we can have a pony named "Donut Joe" then I suppose anything is passable)), his passion is cooking and his specialty is sauces; i.e. he's a sauce maker or saucer. He is from Mareis (My invented pun which I think is generally accepted as the pony pun term for "Paris"), and came to Ponyville to work and further perfect his skills as a saucer, and to give it to others to show them his distinct, more foreign tastes.
He's generally shy and a bit asocial. He's easily spooked and stutters when nervous (Which you could say happens to the poor bloke quite a lot). He moves very swiftly due to the hast of working in the kitchen in busy restaurants in his hometown and also speaks very quickly, which accommodates him working in hectic situations. He's easy to please and is tolerant of others. His cutie mark is of that of a saucepan. He has a brown coat with a mud-brown mane, and he's a bit young. He is a unicorn; which helps him manipulate various bottles and cooking utensils eloquently and effectively.
Try to create or look for a checklist/guide to help you create your OC, to make sure that they're colored decently, have unique personalities and character traits, and can fit in well with the canon flow of FiM.
I hope this helps in preventing you from creating another catastrophe like this one.
Also, as this is a self-insert and that your name is "ninjastar," I'm going to assume that you've taken an interest to Chinese/Japanese culture. This is inexcusable for what you've done, however.
Yin and Yang are not symbols of those countries, they are, in fact, an icon of Dao/Taoism (I would say it's a religious one, but Taoism is also more of a set of ideals; not dissimilar to Buddhism or Confucianism). Research certain things a little before you do ultimately stupid things.
2694476 The yin yang symbol represents peace and harmony. Thats why it's hes cutie mark. And I already explained where his name comes from. The extent of my interest in Japanese/Chinese culture is soul eater and black butler.
2694641
I've done extensive research onto this and I have come to understand that they don't necessarily represent peace and harmony in the sense you display it as. They represent how two opposites balance each other out like Male and Female, Sun and Moon, Heaven and Hell (Even though I myself don't believe in the latter of those two, but that's just an interjection), and so on and how them canceling each other out to reach stalemate keeps something in balance.
The unbalancing of Yin and Yang or its complete absence represent disharmony and chaos.
In that sense, you were correcting me on something that I was both explaining anyways and which was already right to begin with.
EDIT: Also, as a little fact, when pronouncing Yin and Yang (Or Yin-Yang, as most say), "Yang" is actually pronounced "Yahng" or "Yong," not like "Yayng."
2694667 Balance IS harmony. I've done my own bit of research, and as with everything, It all depends on were you go for your information.
2694705
That's what I've been saying the entire time.
That is besides the point, though.
Your OC's character doesn't even seem to really reflect that, and you also didn't need to make your character a black and white clone of Rainbow Dash (Referring to color, hair, and body shape), nor did you need to give him the anklets that the princesses wear or use your pen name for him. If I was an Equestrian and heard a name like "Ninjastar," I'd probably be pretty confused.
So it's not really the implementation of Tao, it's more or less how your poor design choices and how they revolve around that implementation work.
2694733 No, the entire time you've been saying I know nothing about a subject and you know everything about it.
2694754 I have already explained the origin of the name. Before that, I was yinyangninja and If I kept that, you'd be driving this even harder. You have seen one chapter of my character. With the possible exception of fluttershy, nopony reflects their talent 24/7. Twilight doesn't run around dong magic all the time, rarity isn't always making dresses, applejack doesn't always do farmwork, etc. Yes he does need the anklets. They are of importance to the story. The reason his mane and tail are the same as Rainbow Dashs is because I didn't like ant of the other manes. Why the black and white color scheme? Because he was originally designed to be the pony grim reapers apprentice.
2694798
I'm not saying any of the ponies had to do their jobs 24/7. I'm saying that that's their specialty. "Keeping things in balance" is not a talent or personality; as that's what the Elements of Harmony already do.
If you don't like any of the other mane/tail designs, make your own or at least make things seem different.
Look, I'm ending this conversation here: You didn't make a good OC and you didn't make a good story to explain him. That's all that can be said.
2694830 Do you not read the previous comments? My OC was created for a specific purpose. He was created perfectly for that part. When that part was over, I decided to do something else with him. I use the pony creator for posing. Just because you think my OC sucks, doesn't mean he does. I didn't create him simply to please you, and I sure as hell won't be changing him because you don't like him. I have recieved many compliments on his design, and your complaints about it are no concern of mine. And his special talent is whatever the hell I want it to be. He is not your OC, therefore, you have no control over him. I'm glad to see you go. Don't let the virtual door hit you on the way out. On second thought, do.
2694891
It's not just what I think, and it can include the opinions of others. Hence the reason you 15 dislikes and only two likes.
Trust me, son, I've been doing this sort of thing for nearly two and a half years.
2694932 Again, in a previous comment, I don't care about likes. As long as at least one person enjoyed it, I'm happy. And besides, I thought you were leaving?
Where should I start? There are grammar errors in the description. That will make people give you an automatic thumbs down. You need to capitalize all of the names and places because they are proper nouns. The plot is cliché. There are far too many stories about people being transported to Equestria, losing their memories, and falling in love with one of the characters from the show. You shouldn't name your OC Ninja Star unless he is a ninja. Ninja Star has the personality of a soggy cardboard box. All we really know about him is that he is nice. It's okay to use Pony Maker for a cover. I use Pony Maker because my camera can't upload my drawings to the internet. Sometimes I make a background with Microsoft Paint to make it look like I put some effort into making the cover art. It's not okay to make your character look like the son of Rainbow Dash and a skunk. He doesn't have the colors of a normal My Little Pony character. He looks ridiculous. Making a black pony with bright yellow bracelets makes him stick out like a sore thumb. Cutie marks are supposed to resemble his special talent, not a decoration. What happened to his ears? Please accept the criticism you're getting.
2698444 You know what? I'm done replying to comments. If you can't find something new to gripe about, then move on. I have already explained everything you mentioned.
Dear author, when numerous readers point out something in your story you NEED to do something to adress the problem(s).
So I'm going to point out what everyone keep telling you :
Your OC is a robot, not a living being. And as a reader, I'm unable to feel anything for a character with less personnality than my toaster.
So take the advices of Mudpony, Jewbacca, Spetsnaz and Thesnark, make your character alive, give him real personnality traits, a real background, and a real Pony name and appearance.
And then no one is going to bicker anymore about these things.
freaking amazing dude keep going,in eager to read more.
Ignore the negative comments and focus on the good.