A homeless pony loses his memory after being attacked by a group of stuck up rich kids and meets another homeless pony in her own terrible situation. He tries to help her out but things don't always go as planned. Eventually a very generous somepony may or may not stumble across the weary stallion.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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It seems that you have a habit of pressing Enter at the end of each line. There's no need to do that. Most text edition software and uploading text to FIMFiction will take care for it. Just keep writing and start a new line only when a new thought or dialogue appears.
Instead of:
Make it look more like this:
Not only does it make writing easier, but also the right side of your text won't look all ragged.
In fact, the above is the example of some mistakes common to the chapter - the name, Silver, should be capitalized. Also Clockwork reached his hoof rather than reaches (if you're using past tense, stick to it). Carefully reading over the chapter should help you getting rid of those.
As for the story itself, somepony losing his memory is a bit cliché, but I would like to see where you'll go with it. It only troubles me that Clockwork didn't even try to protect Silver when the trio had come!
2679053
Thanks for the critique.
And the hitting enter thing there, I hadn't even realized I did that, heh. And about Clockwork protecting Silver. I thought about that but I guess I forgot to do something about it. I did this in one go so I'll probably make some changes along the way.
Thanks again.
hey pretty good I liked it this will be a very good story, I hope you make many more chapters and never give up, also, check out my story "A friend to the end" if you ever get a chance, and if you do please review and let me know how it is, and also please favorite if you liked it tell me what you thought, and again, good story
3019523
Thanks, I'm currently working on a re-write to the end of chapter one as well as chapter two. Chapter two which I hope to have out by the end of this week. I kind of took an unannounced break from the story for a bit. Things and stuff. And I'll check out your story when I get the chance, probably a little later tonight.
hey I like the story. it's not exactly like I expected though I was expecting it to be before Celestia's and Luna's rule. hope the next chapter comes out and that you don't cancel the story- that would make me sad.
my point: good first chapter, I'm hooked.
3673736 I'm sorry that I kind of did nothing with this for a while but I'm happy to say that the next chapter is in the works now. I think the story has been on a long enough Hiatus. I guess the main reason for me not doing much with it was because I didn't expect to write more than one chapter and I didn't mean to write all the things I did. I expected to end it in the first chapter, but as you can see that didn't happen. So expect an update within the next week or so!