Rainbow Dash Has been lied to, torn up and broken inside. She feels like she can't take on the pressure of the world anymore. She writes a letter to every one of her friends and makes the worst decision an equine could.
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FlaireFlutterSky
Joined 9th Apr, 2013 ·
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- Rubycast · 5.5k words · 23 4 · 1.1k views
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I found a lot of errors.
Also, why does Dash explain what Twilight did to her and then later say that she loves Twi?
There were certainly aspects of this story I enjoyed, your realism in the structure of the note itself (Dash calling out each of her friends by name--that's gotta be a real string-tugger there) chief among them.
However, there were problems. I tried to reading into the fic, but I couldn't get past the wall of Waaahangst this fic put up. Sure, Dash listed several legitimate reasons for distress (ie., wonderbolt-naysaying, being viewed as someone she is not), and those are all promising motifs that could easily have been expanded upon to greater extent, but I still can't help but get the vibe that all the problems tearing her apart aren't really there in the first place. She calls herself a "sick, terrifying monster" in ten different ways to Midnight, but she never really seems to have any problems from which she can derive emotional trauma beyond trivialities. That's what her problems come across as: trivial.
Overall, while you avoided many common errors that tend to plague first-time writers--and don't get me wrong, you did a better job than most when it came down to spelling, grammar, and the like--it still boiled down to the fact that the story was too angsty for its own good. Dash seemed to do nothing but make a mountain out of a molehill, then throw herself off it.
Also, this line:
made me giggle. What color equine blood would otherwise be, I am unsure. Maybe it really is purple and we're all just colorblind.
2660276 Bear in mind I wrote this on my phone at about 2 A.M in the morning, and yeah, thanks for pointing that out, appreciate it.
The concept is intriguing, but in all honesty, the writing needs quite a bit of work. I ended up skimming the last half just to try to get past the spelling and grammar problems. A lot of the phrasing seemed awkward to me as well.
I'm with thebandbrony; it's obvious Dash is down on herself, but I'm left asking why. Have her address the reasons behind her despair; Wonderbolts, MMDW, etc. Maybe have her blaming her friends for not being there for her, even if there was no way for them to know... coming from Loyalty, this would carry a little extra weight.
This has potential, but basic errors are dragging it down. Best thing for you to do right now is to get an editor to sweep it for mistakes and odd word choice. I'd offer, but my Internet's down at the moment.
Like bandbrony and RDash, I just think you need more practice and an editor.
Also like RDash, I would offer to edit for you but, unlike RDash, I'm already busy editing someone else's fic.
Good luck! Keep writing.
That was so sad! It was very well written. Write more stories if that's ok with you...
That was so sad!
feels.
I loved it, justone thing, I am really curious of what the other girls reactions were. If you do another last words fic, I think it would be interesting to see the reactions if the pony's friends or family
I know I'm late, but hey, at least I'm here!
I was deeply depressed and suicidal for about 5 years. You really hit it on the nose here. There is something about being depressed and suicidal that is just nearly impossible to explain. "I was a big mistake, so everypony tells me. How they point their hoof at me and single me out from the others. I hated it. And one of those ponies was actually one of my best friends. It was you, Twilight. How I would accidentally crash into your library, to smirk and tell me how much of a reckless pony I am, and how the Wonderbolts would never accept me if I am that ruthless. Usually, I would just laugh it off as if it was a harmless joke and get on with life. But deep inside? It hurts. A lot. "
That part right there.
And it is incredible how much this was my experience: "None of you have any idea how many countless times I have cried myself to sleep, with a voice in my head telling me how much of a dumb, worthless piece of shit I am. I know you never meant to hurt me that way, Twilight, but you did, the scars remain."
People joke about you being stupid, about you being clumsy, or worthless. But if you are depressed, or even suicidal, it hurts, it hurts like hell. It makes an impact on you, it drives you further into the depression, even though it was intended as a joke.
I don't know if I could have written this better, without just straight out writing my suicide note, without the, you know, suicide part.
What's hard about suicide in general is that you CAN NOT understand it, UNLESS you have truly been there yourself. UNLESS you were suicidal, you can only pretend to understand what it feels like to know that you are dumb, clumsy, and worthless. To know that you will never be accepted.
And now I want to try to write that story! Actually, I might try now! Cool.
For the hundredth time, good job. You got the mentality right.
Please read this https://www.fimfiction.net/story/374086/first-last-and-only-letter, and it's sequels. It's along similar lines, but unlike this story, "First, Last, And Only Letter" had a more positive uplifting ending.