The Convoy

Its Spark Gap's first time riding along with a supply Convoy. Their route takes them straight through the mountains - and Diamond Dog territory. Whats the worst that could happen?

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Sorren

Sorren #1 · May 28th, 2013 · · ·

This is written pretty well. You write good action from what I saw here.

Let me give you two pointers.

Number one. When you are addressing someone as "Sir": Sir is a title, like President or Captain. So, you'd capitalize it. It's also a direct addressal, so you'd place a comma before it. "Yes, Sir."

Also, with dialogue tags. If there is any text outside the quotations that modifies the spoken text, you treat it as the same sentence ( "Right away," he said. ).

You've got the good start of a story here and the biggest issue I found were dialogue tags and the occasional missed capital.

Tehonepony