Twilight's sick and nopony knows what's wrong with her! Their only option is to fuss over her and freak out! Yeah, it's a great plan!
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 7th Feb, 2013
- offline last seen April 25th
Princess Glitzy
I'm a human being who writes stories about ponies.
Princess Glitzy
Joined 7th Feb, 2013 ·
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Alright so where to start.
First off you failed to capture the personalities of the main six. Twilight didn't seem to resemble Twilight from the show and seemed 'off' to be specific. You could argue that she was sick but the problem with that logic is that when you get sick you just don't get sick. You can wake up sick and you can gradually get sick, those are usually the only two ways. Now another problem I noticed with your story is that it jumped all over the place. There was no conflict, there was no climax and there was no purpose within the story. It was simply Twilight running around all day being 'sick'. I almost immediately lost interest at the sight of the 1000 word story because I knew that this would be the case. When you write a one shot you need the word number to be around 5000 atleast for it to make a decent story. Now some short stories can be good with fewer but some authors like you cannot do this.
You cannot simply write a story, slap a title on it and expect it to get good ratings; writing takes a lot of time and practice, normally it will take you a year or two to get decent, constantly learning new techniques in the english language and learning more and more laws about our anal literature system. Jumping around in a story creates confusion and loses the readers attention, normally resulting in them disliking your story and/or leaving a negative comment.
You need to improve your grammar, punctuation and pacing mostly and how you can do this is simple: Read. Also you have to write for fun. Literature is not something that you should view as a job or a chore, when you write you should be having fun. I write instead of playing video games a lot of the time, why? because I love it.
Writing is not simply a game that you can pick up, it has to be a passion and a skill that you develop through practice.
I wish you luck on your future stories and I hope that you improve your literary skills.
Twilight also could have brought the ending punchline up earlier instead of leave everypony in the dust.
Story rating: 2/10
Disliked as well.
-Rezz
Hah... That ending.
Nicely done.
~Skeeter The Lurker
Very clever, ME GUSTA!
Though I hate to dole out criticism, I have to point out that your characterization was blocky and felt forced. reading rarity and Twilight's conversations left the dry taste of unfinished formality seared into my mental taste buds. You have a less than pleasing habit of typing other characters reactions immediately after one characters spoken sentence and then shifting to have the same character speak the next sentence, which causes a bit more confusion, especially in the rarity scene where Twilight was behaving uncharacteristically formal.
You could stand to improve your descriptive talents, and choose between the simplistic "X walked up to X and said "X". " and the complex "Subject adjective verbed X (Statement) [X reacts specified] X (adjective placement option A) responding verb (adjective placement option B)". An example of each is:
Twilight walked up to her friend Applejack "Howdy Sugarcube". This is taken from the story and is an example of a simplistic informative statement followed by an undefined spoken statement from a character who was not the subject. Doing this is confusing to the reader. See example B:
As Twilight approached, Applejack took notice of her presence and smiled. "Howdy Sugarcube" She greeted her. While this is also a low quality example, it removes the confusion and clarifies that the subject of the sentence and the speaker are the same pony, as well as gving enough descriptive information as to allow the reader to form an image.
I could sit here and pick apart what was wrong with each scene in particular, but the result would likely be longer than the story itself.
I realize that this is a bare summary of proper writing technique, and in itself potentially confusing. Proper study on your own initiative is the only way I could in due conscience recommend you to improve, otherwise the interest and dedication simply wouldn't be there. An effective method for learning outside of the textbook style setting would be to read and examine the sentence structure of the more well written fanfics and compare them to your own work to see how you could improve.
Has potential, style needs work, begs for sequel to explain why they didn't know she was pregnant. Good luck.
A.G.
2631922 There wasn`t really a purpose to this story and I didn`t try at all to make it good. I came up with an idea and I did it. I was too lazy to edit it and I`m surprised that anyone likes it. I`m fine with you disliking it.
2631948 Yeah.
2632791 Well, I definitely didn`t work as hard as I could and wasn`t my best work by far. I planned to put Celestia and Spike in this as well and I planned for it to be at least 1,000 words longer, but I got lazy. I will most likely edit it later and I may write the sequel.
2632384 Read some of my other writing. This was quickly thrown together and is really a bad story. I think that if you read Painful Moments, To Love... And To Lose or Painful Moments. All three of those are sad. Sad writing is my best writing and comedies are not my forte.
As soon as Rainbow called Twilight fat, I was thinking, "Who did she sleep with?"
Pinkie would be able to tell Twi was expecting, she lives with the Cakes and would remember the symptoms from when Cup was with foal.
Plus she has a Pinkie sense for that.
I KNEW IT!!!
I knew she was preggers from the part it said:
I'm smart
And this story is kewl
2633035 Look forward to that sequel, so PM me when it arrives. (Check my work while you're at it? o.-)
A.G.
2651115 Well, you wanted to know why they didn`t know that she was pregnant so I edited it a lot. Read it again now that it`s done being edited and I hope that you like it way more. It answers your question and it fixes all of the other things that it was lacking. It also got about 1,000 words longer like I wanted. I didn`t make a sequel, but I fixed it so that I didn't have to make a sequel (I wouldn`t know what to do for that). So please read it again!
2632384 2631922 I edited the full story so I hope that you read it again! I fixed the characterization and answered some questions that people were wondering. It`s definitely better than the first version.
2651490
You're on. -.-
A.G.
2651504
I reread it, and I admire your attempt, but I find that many of the issues haven't been much addressed.
Voted down, even after the edits. The dialogue at the start is a description rather than a conversation and you'd think she'd have to be too distracted to mention when she hooked up and became pregnant, yet there's no mention of the Terror of Canterlot Castle that took THAT much of her attention. Too many plot holes, even if the rest of it was a good bit better than what I call the first draft.
A.G.
2682580 Dude, in the Author`s Notes it says that she assumes that her friends would find out that she was pregnant because she was a princess. Also, she assumes that her friends would be able to tell. I guess that they couldn`t. I accept that you don`t like it, but I understand it and find no plot holes. Not to mention that it`s a freakin` comedy meant to be taken as something fun. Don`t try to get deep and poetic in a comedy. People read this so that they can laugh and enjoy something stupid. You people need to stop getting so picky over a story.
2682750
Giving serious response means the subject has or had serious potential.
A.G.