Who wants to write the world's most painful punchline? · 6:15pm Apr 25th, 2020
I'm not going to put in the full transcript this time. I'm going to offer up the crackfic idea, I'll explain who donated what, and then we'll see if anyone wants to use it for what should be a very short story. One which, in the right hands, feels like a guaranteed ticket to the Feature box.
So this feghoot/crackfic concept is up for grabs. And as for the details...
I peeked in on chat to see that SockPuppet had just come up with a potential OC name: Birdstrike. (There's been a lot of birdwatching at his house during the lockdown.) There was a small debate as to what the mark talent would be, along with the impression that it was probably something Fluttershy would hate.
And then I said something. An idea which I felt SockPuppet would best be able to execute, as it's sort of within his field of study. But he didn't want it, so --
-- who's heard of chicken guns?
Okay. For those of you who are not yet curled up in the fetal position while rocking back & forth with a constant chant of "Estee, no," let me explain. A chicken gun is used in materials science, and it's exactly what it sounds like. It's a gun which fires chickens. To wit, it usually fires them at glass, and that glass is intended for anything which is going to be traveling through the air: planes, zeppelins, spacecraft on the way up or down -- the works. Because the machine isn't the only thing in the sky, and the manufacturers need to know if the glass can survive the impact of hitting a large bird at top speed.
Obviously a legitimate concern. You really don't want to lose cabin pressure because a Canada Goose didn't move out of the way. So chicken guns exist, and are used all the time. It's necessary.
At this point in the chat, TCC56 jumped ahead a few cars on the logic train. Because Equestria does have airships of sorts, and so a chicken gun is a necessity. So you could say that's Birdstrike's talent: the creation and use of the testing device.
But in the most practical terms, Equestria isn't worried about birds. Not when there's something heavier in the air...
That's right, fillies & colts. Birdstrike's talent isn't for using the gun. It's for being in the barrel. Birdstrike is the crash test dummy.
And what's the promised punchline? Well, chicken guns really are standard testing equipment. You need to know how much impact is delivered by that much weight. But sometimes, they're used by companies which are new to the glass game. And many years ago, one company didn't know why they kept failing. They thought they had the best glass which, if they could pass the test, would just about change the whole market. But it shattered on every firing, again and again. There were no flaws in the glass itself, not that they could pick up on by any other means. So finally, they wrote the government agency which had lent them the testing equipment, sent along a comprehensive list of results, and asked if there was something wrong with the gun.
They got back a four-word response.
I'm only going to change one.
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"Thaw the pegasus first."
And here I was just going to say that Birdstrike's talent was falconry...
One punishment in the guard is getting sent to the Yakyakistani border to count penguins. (Yes, it's the wrong pole. That's the point.) Another is getting sent to Ballistics Testing. Birdstrike managed to do both. Even Flash was impressed.
Oh my god, that is so funny and so very wrong. So his talent only came by AFTER his death?
That's definitely a very tantalizing premise, though I'm a bit confused by the implication that Birdstrike has a postmortem cutie mark/special talent—or, at least, that's the only explanation I have for why they'd be frozen in the first place.
5250071
5250069
You could just have it happen on a very cold day, where he keeps getting loaded into the gun after getting wet and hitting the glass while his (or her) fur is half-covered in miniature icicles. Over and over. The natural living talent is crash test dummy, but the extra mass from the ice is why the glass keeps breaking.
Or go full-scale morbid. But I think it's funnier to have a character live through repeated attempts.
However, 'dying to get your mark', in the right hands...
5250078
Can you imagine him living his whole life without a cutie mark, only for him to receive it after he died?
On the other hand, could be funny for him to smack into the glass, stumble around a bit, and then tell the scientists/engineers what's wrong with the glass.
5250079
There's a very dark joke, probably about as old as the fandom, about a pony who committed suicide. Nothing he'd done had brought his mark out. He'd failed at everything, and so he finally decided he couldn't live as a blank-flank.
But when they cut him down, they found the image of a noose on his flanks.
5250081
I suppose, in this case, a similar situation could be appropriate. Birdstrike was an adult blank-flank, just minding his own business over the skies of Canterlot when suddenly he's hit and killed by a Sky Yacht, which comes out fine. The coroner would discover his cutie mark during the autopsy, and thus his new (after) lifelong career is born.
If he didn't have a glass jaw when he started, he will after a while.
I feel like I could turn this into a decent shitfic by just making it as unfunny and stupid as possible.
5250078
So he takes that natural Pegasus crash resistance up to eleven and then can analyze a ton from the impact? Cool!
Also, this seems like something that lends itself to the developing Blue Collar Working Pony Slice Of Life genre...
Well, that's a lovely concept.
How do you folks come up with these ideas? 
5250078
I'm pretty sure it's less because of the extra mass and more the fact that ice (and frozen meat) is awfully hard, effectively turning what would otherwise be mushy stuff into a bullet.
5250098
Yes, and my bad on the initial phrasing: mass plus a thin layer of added density.
And how do we think of these things? We're writers. We channel insanity for a living.
"I dreamed of a world which could never be."
"Get the straitjacket."
"Then I wrote it down."
"Get the movie contract."
We’ve seen Dash survived crash landings that left craters, so it’s probably safe to say that ‘impact immunity’ is a not unknown ‘talent’ of Pegasi. So, what if this guy’s talent is an industrial grade version of this talent, mixed with a severe shortage of any other major life skills. For comedic effect, he could be treated like a hero by his corporate handlers, when he is just a total prick and profoundly resented by all other employees of RATCO, the Royal Airship Testing Company.
Birdstrike, and here I was thinking he was the local coordinator of the Ponyville chapter of the Songbird’s Consolidated Union, butting heads with Fluttershy over her choir. (In my defence, I work in a highly unionised industry.)
5250095
I was thinking that too. It's too morbid for me to tackle, but it certainly fits in well with AB's not-a-contest. Considering how heavy a pegasus is by default, I wouldn't think some ice buildup would make him (I'm thinking 'him', specifically, because in order to get the best results you're going to want a heavier specimen of the species) that much heavier. The 'pegasus-rated' glass built to withstand hitting a mare built like Blossomforth might not fair quite as well against Bulk Biceps... So in order to use the given punchline, I think frozen is probably the best option.
As for Birdstrike, my first thought is his natural talent is the inability to go flying without hitting a bird. Which is what leads him into his field of study. Irony being that he's killed by a an airship (or plane, helicopter, etc.) strike and has donated his body to research purposes since their inanimate pegasus dummies haven't been all that effective. As for a cutie mark, a chicken with x's for eyes is the mental image I have. Since I'm not tackling this, the above is free to use for whoever does. And good luck to whoever decides to write this!
5250113
Ooh, now that’s a different direction to take it! I love it!
5250115
I think it’s better if he’s alive. BUT all this morbid humor has me thinking of a book I read. Stiff: The Strange Lives Of Human Cadavers. And now I’m just imagining how much stranger the Equestrian version would get.
5250120
That reminds me of a scene from one of ForgaLorga's animations where a severed unicorn horn is used to power a projector.
It probably still gets weirder from there.
It's too bad you've established Scootaloo's talent already.
Because she'd be FANTASTIC at this one.
5250149 Too bad the fic "Scootaloo is Slightly Flame Retardant" was pulled from the site. Sigh.
The mayor hustled over to the remains of the bell tower, then pushed herself forward through the gathered crowd of onlookers. The corpse had been crushed in a gruesome fashion, with every bone broken, her coat ripped and torn, and even her cutie mark disfigured by the impact with the town's bell. In fact, the only feature of the mare that had not been torn beyond recognition was her short-cut mane, sculpted in tight curls with regular short stripes.
Then the 'corpse' groaned and said something incoherent before rolling back on her side and returning to unconsciousness.
"My goodness," gasped the town's fire marshall. "I thought for sure she was dead when I heard her hit the bell tower. Everypony in a hundred miles must have heard that. Do you know who she is, Mayor?"
"Well, I don't know her mane," said the mayor, "but her face sure rings a bell."
5250100
Let me tell you about a man named Cave Johnson...
5250162
You deserve something. Maybe nothing good, but something.
Whoa.
I learn something new every day
But thank God the chickens are already dead before being put in the gun ;-;
I remember an old joke about some farmer writing the dept of Agriculture about his chickens. He lists the symptoms and concludes: Can you tell me what's wrong with my chickens? Dear Sir Your chickens are dead.
i've heard about that chicken gun story!
5250162
FIMFetch to the rescue!
:)
They're also used to test engines, and firing one into a turbofan at full throttle is even more fun then glass.
Birdstrike sounds like the name of a dark and brooding edgelord OC whose special talent is summoning huge flocks of birds to kill his enemies and detractors.
There's always the possibility that 'Birdstrike' is an ACTUAL crash test dummy, s/he's just been given a name because of engineering humour/sentimentality.
While I'm sure the equivalent of an apprentice going for rainbow paint ("here you are, Mr Spanner, sir!"
) or a long stand exists in the Equestrian aeronautical industry, a much darker prank could be to watch a senior engineer climb solemnly into the cannon in full safety gear (but not see him/her slip out of the breech), watch Birdstrike sail through the air, witness the results and then get told to ask Equine Resources (for even in the happy paradise of Equestria, evil exists) if they can put a new job advert up. Oh don't look so pale, lad/lass, how do you think you saw the one you applied for?
5250264
I love this! Birdstrike/Buster otp :p
5250264
This one. I choose this concept.
5250249
So... Lyle Corvus?
Or...
a government program where you can donate your body to science.
Or advertised in the local paper:
Do you and your loved ones find funerals boring?
(Literally a service that will shoot dead grandpa at a window during a funeral. Free cleanup.)
5250120
Let's start with necromantic laborers and go from there.
5250405
Or Lillian.
I have to admit that I tried to make this sound dumb and edgy, but attacking people with a flock of birds is metal as hell. c.c
Actually, it occurs to me that a species with flying sapients will also want to test if the flyer will survive, not just if the glass doesn't break. Either enchantments or just being a slightly flexible material.
5250476
I'm now imagining the Matriarch in Equestria. Fluttershy is gonna be PISSED.
I also like the implication that only the Equestrians are doing this testing. The other airborne civilizations don't feel the need.
Dragons are heavily armored to start with, and the griffins already have a well developed knowledge of the forces involved in hitting prey talons first at dive speed...
5250081
That's dark as FUCK
5250540
Well to be fair it only seems to be Equestria who's mastered the art of letting non-fliers fly (ignoring the film for now) Between the sky chariot, hot air balloons and strange helicopters (and technically the cloudwalking spell) there's quite a few ways for this to happen.
Unfortunately the non-pegasus population displays the anti-gravitational properties of the common housebrick, and as tough as the ponies may be, they're not THAT tough.
I have to ask this. You have so many amazing stories, so many awesome characters. This world you created has depth, continuity, and your writing really makes it feel alive. Have you ever considered getting a group together to knock out an “Estee-verse” supplement for the MLP role playing game? Your universe is such perfect fodder for a role playing game supplement and series of adventures (With some new house rules invented covering the powers that the Earth Ponies and Pegasi have in your world). I would love to see something like this! I’m probably not the only one to suggest this either. Haha! Tryptich in itself could be edited into a great tabletop adventure. Not to mention the possibility of role playing in your Discord controlled Equestrian past!
5251793
Estee seems to be in constant disbelief that anyone likes or cares about her. Terrible home life, even before the parental dementia. (The abusiveness had to already be there for things to make sense, if only because of the crocodile)
5252072
Really? Because I've read a LOT of pony fanfiction and Estee's really stands out. Frankly, I think that her "-verse" is the best written "-verse" I've ever encountered on this site. I keep coming back to her stories because I find it very rare that anything can match the scope and depth of the world she created. And I really think that her writings would really be perfect for an addon for the role playing game. She has so much depth and so many interesting characters, and stories, that he world really has that, "alive" feel to me whenever I read them. These writings really stand out on the top of the giant haystack of needles that is this site. At this stage, there's more than enough to compile an "Estee-verse" addon for the role playing game. As a gamer, I would love to get something like this set up at the game table.
Huh. I decided to finally try and execute this idea, though I think it's headed to the guillotine rather than the featured box. (And, god-forbid, the Terrors of the New Column V.) Still in moderation queue.
EDIT: Here https://www.fimfiction.net/story/476276/a-crash-course-in-comedy
Really not much of a story, though.
RD would have a BLAST with this.
I also took a swing at this, if only so I'm not in mod approval limbo when I try and submit something for the Who Crossed Over contest. Also dearly hoping not to end up in Terrors of the New Column.
5633791
Yours was much better written than mine, though I think there were still problems with really demonstrating the absurdity of the situation that the premise would suggest. But you had a real story underneath the comedic components, whereas mine was just lacking all-around.
It may have been slightly overambitious for our first stories to be based on this topic, one which many experienced authors passed over and likely for good reason.
Now, why am I writing a reply to your comment months after I read the story? Well, it just came to my mind and I decided I really ought to acknowledge your story without trying to promote my own.