The Most Amazing Thing just happened · 9:16am Aug 5th, 2018
GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS GUYS
STORYTIME
I'm helping my friend Daniel move. Taking a break for lunch, we're walking through a strip mall deal to grab a milkshake and wait for Daniel's roommates to stop being shambling hag-witches... And this guy walks past in an old grey t shirt that was probably black once, with the exposed stomach of a valley girl that does not look nearly so appealing on a forty year old beer bellied meth addict. Beard like a necrotic scab. Eyes of a goldfish that seem to swivel independently into focus. A nose piercing less like a fashion statement and more advertising that he was escaped livestock.
And he focuses one eye on each of us, Daniel and I.
And you see something grind behind his brain, a realization floating to the surface like the plastic tetrahedron shaken in the magic eight ball.
He thumps his chest and proudly Sieg Heils us as we pass, slowly, never breaking eyes contact. Just a look of raw determination on a face that makes thinking look like an act of constipation.
My brain just breaks. BSOD. It's the most surreal thing that's ever happened to me. Like, he's not the only one there, he's doing this without-hesitation salute in front of a bunch of people, but specifically at us for some reason I cannot comprehend.
And Daniel turns to me and says: "Riiiiight. He thought we're a couple."
So obviously what great idea floated up in the cesspit of his corroded grey matter was: "I need to let these faggots know I know they're faggots"
Explicitly not 'gays' or 'homos'. No. This was a conniseur of slurs. This man so emboldened in his personal freedoms he'd implicitly threaten these two faggy looking dudes bumming around his Woolworths with the gas chambers.
Absolutely astounding.
Pictured: "Some faggot"
I have questions regarding the shambling hag-witches.
4914623
Nope. And also I mean, it's the Redlands. I passed two churches on the 10 minute drive to the strip mall: Ones sign was "Jesus provides my wireless" and the other was "Christ is definitely returning". Sane people need not apply to rural Queensland.
I have no words to actually respond to this, but I've been sitting here giggling about it for minutes
4914625
They wouldn't let him in to retrieve his stuff, so we mostly bummed around outside all day since they'd invited a friend over for three, and we were absolutely going to ruin that for them if they didn't hand his stuff over. So I mostly provided company, emotional support, and was the petty angel on his shoulder.
"Okay you know how annoying your apartment's buzzer is?"
"Yeah?"
"Get a D20 app on your phone, and use that as your interval of how many seconds it is before you mash that again"
"Why?"
"So it is completely random and devoid of rythm."
What a complete idiot....
4914634
Well played.
Maybe he thought you were fellow Aryan Master Race™ members.
That description is a thing of beauty. Also, that guy should think about what it means if he ships every pair of men he sees.
See, in that picture there, you're smiling a little bit.
That's the problem. Real men don't smile, MrNumbers.
You probably even smiled at Daniel, without at the same time saying "bro" and hitting his shoulder or otherwise signalling aggression rather than sexual attraction. Major faux pas, bro.
And in
he's just thinking like:
Whatev. This is why I love Freedom of Speech. If someone wants to broadcast what an abortion of a person they are in the middle of a mall like that, let them.
4914634
Oh, by Celly's flaming beard!
That D20 idea is pure evil. That reminds me of a certain clock...
I do wonder how your descriptions can be that descriptive, however. I am just in awe that you managed to pack that much frustration in there!
I get that these people are super gung-ho about their individual freedoms and don't give a shit about hurting others, but--seriously, man? A grey tank top, unkempt beard, and a nose ring? Darling, the sporty Spice Girl stopped being relevant eighteen years ago, let it go. Ugh. Wear some pastel, for fuck's sake! Get a short jacket, skinny jeans, maybe a bun -- at least try! Ugh!
Seriously, people like this should be in jail, if you ask me.
To be fair, had I been there and seen such a fantastic specimen of raw human sexuality I wouldn't have known how to react either. I probably would have swooned on the spot. Fainted if you smiled at me.
4914651
That would require a level of self reflection above 'spotty, smeary mirror'
4914687
Mwahhahahahhahaaaaaaaaa....
...But if he's heiling you, the presumed "faggots", doesn't that actually mean he was saying "I consider you homosexuals worthy of the same sort of respect as the fuhrer himself?" I mean, kind of a mixed message...
(Not, of course, that I expect he realized he was doing that, but... seriously, of all the ways he could have expressed his views there...)
Okay, I live in a corner of rural Maine that hosts way more Virginia Battle Flags than it should, while I have a rainbow flag (it’s survived! So have I!), but for some reason what stood out for me was: You lucky bastards still have Woolworth’s? Because the last one in our region (which I think was the last one in the U.S., but that could have been local lore) closed about 20 years ago. It was a great store, but really, really old. I think the last renvo had been the 60s. So much fun!
You’re well aware you and your friend aren’t the ones who came off looking ignorant. I’d feel a need to share that with the world, too, but your descriptions are almost certainly better. ;)
4914730 Have seen him in the flesh and can confirm this is the typical reaction.
Nice jacket, new?
4915003
From an antique store in Melbourne.
I'm that hipster apparently
No, no, no, look at that black leather, that Nordic coloration. Clearly he thought you were a a gay Nazi and wanted to salute a fellow.
4915017 You are, but it's a forgivable sin.